Feeling guilt for not wanting a sibling for my child...still...7yrs on...husband upset as I have backed out....I am desperately sad and at breaking point mentally

[solbright]

Feeling pretty low today...so much so I texted the helpline shout at 3am...

I had my son 7 years ago and my pregnancy was horrible (I had a few scares, then had a bleed and ended up with terrible prenatal anxiety then pre eclampsia which was thankfully mild). Labour was horrendous...he pooed in me so needed the drugs to speed it up...had an epidural and ended up in theatre with a ventouse and a bunch of Drs on standby due to his heart rate being low and pooing in me. Post birth I tore front to back and bowel impaction and then pnd. We have been a really happy little family of 3 and until covid had holidays each year and my son was our sidekick and I have always been one and done. I have never had a broody bone in my body since the day he was born.

However a year ago I did say I would try again as the guilt of leaving my son alone got bad and I was approaching 37 and my husband has always wanted another. Then covid hit so we decided not to and deep down I was very happy with this.

We were meant to try in Jan...this gone weekend in fact....but last night after a blazing peak OPK I had a huge panic attack and it all came out that I just cannot do it again. Husband was great and said no amount of expanding the family was worth the state I got in. He said for his own sake we must draw a line so he can move on and I am of course gret with that but feeling utterly guilty like I have let my husband and son down by being one and done.

I am going to get counselling for this guilt to move forward but I simply just never wanted one more......

Your husband sounds lovely and the love you have for your son leaps out from your op. You don’t have to go through that again. It sounds like a hugely traumatic experience and I think you would benefit from some therapy.
I also recommend reading Lauren Sadler One and only. It’s so hard when you are broody and the other half is the one who would have to go through the pregnancy and birth.

@user1471462428

Your husband sounds lovely and the love you have for your son leaps out from your op. You don’t have to go through that again. It sounds like a hugely traumatic experience and I think you would benefit from some therapy. I also recommend reading Lauren Sadler One and only. It’s so hard when you are broody and the other half is the one who would have to go through the pregnancy and birth.

my husband is amazing but he is so sad...he is being nice to me today but after 21 years together I know the sadness in his eyes. I will deffo get the book thank you

I really think you shouldn’t feel guilty OP, I am one and done. I have figured that a mum with PND is no good for my current daughter and the future one that people keep pushing me for. You have a happy, healthy child and a lovely husband by the sounds of it. Your delivery sounds really traumatic, maybe it would help you to write about it?

You need help with recovering from your traumatic birth. There is good help available and when you get it, you won't believe how much better you feel. Not to suggest you'll ever want another baby but you definitely don't have to live with this horror. The Birth Trauma Association can help you so much.

In the current climate, it's probably a good decision. It's also a big age gap (I had a similar gap between two of mine) and not really very easy to please both!
There's absolutely no reason why any woman should feel compelled to sacrifice her own health and wellbeing.

I'm glad your husband hasn't pressured you. Honestly after what you went through it's not surprising at all that you dont want to do it again!
I dont think you should stress about your child not having a sibling, not all siblings have good relationships

My SIL has an age gap of 8 years between her two, they never do anything together as they are at very different life stages. It's like having 2 'only' children.
Please do not feel guilty, your birth experience was very difficult, and your DH sounds wonderfully supportive. You haven't let anyone down, hopefully counseling will help you see this and let you enjoy your perfect family as is. Take care.

You're not letting anyone down you poor thing.
Don't do anything you don't want to, sounds like your DH supports you and is in agreement, he might feel a bit sad for a bit but it's ok.
You deserve to be happy and with that birth experience it's no wonder you suffered.
I'd seek some support on order to help yourself through this hard time you're having, the GP should point you in the right direction.

There's nothing to feel guilty about, your little boy will be fine, sounds like he was having a great time before Covid and he will again after when you can enjoy holidays etc.

I had pnd and anxiety and it was absolutely horrific, but i got through it and the birth trauma, you can as well. You'll not always feel like this. Stay strong. X

@Hellothere19999

I really think you shouldn’t feel guilty OP, I am one and done. I have figured that a mum with PND is no good for my current daughter and the future one that people keep pushing me for. You have a happy, healthy child and a lovely husband by the sounds of it. Your delivery sounds really traumatic, maybe it would help you to write about it?

Thank you hellothere....I agree too. I get bouts of depression sometimes as it is, especially since Covid and I know that if I saw that BFP I would have a massive wobble.

I'm so sorry you went through all that. No wonder you don't want to have another.

We have an only, she is almost 8, and honestly I am very glad. I always thought I wanted a big family but she is growing up to be a very independent person, varied interests that we can afford to give her time and money to explore which we wouldn't be able to do if she had a sibling.

Your DH sounds lovely, yes he might feel some sadness at not having another child but I'm sure he would rather you were happy and healthy than risk all that trauma and pain again.

@changingmine

You need help with recovering from your traumatic birth. There is good help available and when you get it, you won't believe how much better you feel. Not to suggest you'll ever want another baby but you definitely don't have to live with this horror. The Birth Trauma Association can help you so much.

Thank you. I will look into that. I deffo do not want to change my mind now as messed husband around but I do think I have lingering anxiety from that experience as I do not deal with health anxiety well now as a result

@AllegedlyChaos

In the current climate, it's probably a good decision. It's also a big age gap (I had a similar gap between two of mine) and not really very easy to please both! There's absolutely no reason why any woman should feel compelled to sacrifice her own health and wellbeing.

This is the thing...imagine having a miscarriage or ectopic and something else traumatic happen and doing it alone

@Hadalifeonce

My SIL has an age gap of 8 years between her two, they never do anything together as they are at very different life stages. It's like having 2 'only' children. Please do not feel guilty, your birth experience was very difficult, and your DH sounds wonderfully supportive. You haven't let anyone down, hopefully counseling will help you see this and let you enjoy your perfect family as is. Take care.

Completely agree with this, such an age gap is just another only child for you in a way. Regardless you have zero reason for feel guilty, you are the one that went through this ordeal so only you can make decisions to risk it again.

I think you do need counselling to talk about the traumatic birth experience. Of course, not trying to psycho analyse you but I think perhaps all those emotions are blowing your 'guilt' feeling way out of proportion. There is really nothing to be guilty about, to your son or your husband. There is nothing wrong with being an only child (some people have bad experiences but I love being an only child for all the independence it gave me and ability to HAVE to make friends rather than rely on siblings.) My mum wanted more children but they struggled so much to conceive me and are grateful for the one they have. Try not to have too much guilt or regret as that will transfer on to your existing son and put a terrible amount of pressure on him too.

Aww op, aside from the part where DH wants a second, I could have written your post.

I had a horrific pregnancy, from start to finish. Like you I had pre-eclampsia (mine was not mild), and ended up having to deliver via EMCS at 34 weeks. DS was then in NICU for nearly a month. The pre-eclampsia wasn't even the worst bit; I had horrible sickness as well as heart burn throughout, had to have a cervical stitch which then became infected and prolapsed, had 2 or even 3 high vaginal infections, and came out of pregnancy 7kg lighter than I went in. It was horrific.

I was always one and done, but like you, have felt some guilt over not giving DS a sibling. Particularly through lockdown, I feel like a sibling would have been nice for him.

However, weighing the risks to benefits, it's just not worth it. These are my thoughts:

I could end up leaving DS without a sibling AND without a mother.

I could do irreparable damage to my physical or mental health.

So many children are only children and very happy.

We make an extra effort with DS to make sure he has lots of friends and social activities- especially with other only children.

If I had another now, they would be so far apart in age, they wouldn't have much in common anyway.

I had a sibling close in age and we were never close, even as adults.

I know many many people with siblings who are not close.

Being 37 now (almost 38), this would be a higher risk pregnancy anyway

I just don't want another baby. I have always known I was one and done.

I love other little babies but have never felt broody for one.

It's okay to just have one child.

@Godimabitch

I'm glad your husband hasn't pressured you. Honestly after what you went through it's not surprising at all that you dont want to do it again! I dont think you should stress about your child not having a sibling, not all siblings have good relationships

Thank you this is very true I have 2 and one I am close to and the other not at all

@Hadalifeonce

My SIL has an age gap of 8 years between her two, they never do anything together as they are at very different life stages. It's like having 2 'only' children. Please do not feel guilty, your birth experience was very difficult, and your DH sounds wonderfully supportive. You haven't let anyone down, hopefully counseling will help you see this and let you enjoy your perfect family as is. Take care.

Thank you for lovely reassuring words...feeling such a baby over it all

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

I'm so sorry you went through all that. No wonder you don't want to have another.

We have an only, she is almost 8, and honestly I am very glad. I always thought I wanted a big family but she is growing up to be a very independent person, varied interests that we can afford to give her time and money to explore which we wouldn't be able to do if she had a sibling.

Your DH sounds lovely, yes he might feel some sadness at not having another child but I'm sure he would rather you were happy and healthy than risk all that trauma and pain again.

Thank you x My little boy who is 7 is so independent and strong and already talks of travelling the world when he is older.

@Dopo

You're not letting anyone down you poor thing. Don't do anything you don't want to, sounds like your DH supports you and is in agreement, he might feel a bit sad for a bit but it's ok. You deserve to be happy and with that birth experience it's no wonder you suffered. I'd seek some support on order to help yourself through this hard time you're having, the GP should point you in the right direction.

There's nothing to feel guilty about, your little boy will be fine, sounds like he was having a great time before Covid and he will again after when you can enjoy holidays etc.

I had pnd and anxiety and it was absolutely horrific, but i got through it and the birth trauma, you can as well. You'll not always feel like this. Stay strong. X

Thank you so much. I think I am also feeling sad because I had not realised that for almost 8 years I have kept this inside without realising I was suffering a form of PTSD. X

@LilMidge01

I think you do need counselling to talk about the traumatic birth experience. Of course, not trying to psycho analyse you but I think perhaps all those emotions are blowing your 'guilt' feeling way out of proportion. There is really nothing to be guilty about, to your son or your husband. There is nothing wrong with being an only child (some people have bad experiences but I love being an only child for all the independence it gave me and ability to HAVE to make friends rather than rely on siblings.) My mum wanted more children but they struggled so much to conceive me and are grateful for the one they have. Try not to have too much guilt or regret as that will transfer on to your existing son and put a terrible amount of pressure on him too.

Thank you Midge this is very sensible and wise and I am very worried about transference to my son and him picking up on it x

You haven’t let anyone down. Your little family of three is fine. There is a reason why many women only have one child.

@Grumpasaurus

Aww op, aside from the part where DH wants a second, I could have written your post.

I had a horrific pregnancy, from start to finish. Like you I had pre-eclampsia (mine was not mild), and ended up having to deliver via EMCS at 34 weeks. DS was then in NICU for nearly a month. The pre-eclampsia wasn't even the worst bit; I had horrible sickness as well as heart burn throughout, had to have a cervical stitch which then became infected and prolapsed, had 2 or even 3 high vaginal infections, and came out of pregnancy 7kg lighter than I went in. It was horrific.

I was always one and done, but like you, have felt some guilt over not giving DS a sibling. Particularly through lockdown, I feel like a sibling would have been nice for him.

However, weighing the risks to benefits, it's just not worth it. These are my thoughts:

I could end up leaving DS without a sibling AND without a mother.

I could do irreparable damage to my physical or mental health.

So many children are only children and very happy.

We make an extra effort with DS to make sure he has lots of friends and social activities- especially with other only children.

If I had another now, they would be so far apart in age, they wouldn't have much in common anyway.

I had a sibling close in age and we were never close, even as adults.

I know many many people with siblings who are not close.

Being 37 now (almost 38), this would be a higher risk pregnancy anyway

I just don't want another baby. I have always known I was one and done.

I love other little babies but have never felt broody for one.

It's okay to just have one child.

This has really made me well up because I was feeling so alone and broken as a woman and mother....I have a neighbour next door who is a right cow to her child shouts at him all day and is just a horrible person yet she is pregnant again and I was thinking...God even she is giving her child a sibling and not being selfish.

So for me to meet someone else the exact same age and with very similar experiences it has made me feel I am not alone and we are brilliant mums and that we have done the best thing for our children.

@PanamaPattie

You haven’t let anyone down. Your little family of three is fine. There is a reason why many women only have one child.

Thank you x

Just wanted to say OP as an only child myself you are NOT letting your son down. I have two incredibly loving and supportive parents who I would honestly say are my friends. I was given so much love, attention and support throughout my childhood and that hasn’t changed as an adult. Only children get such a bad rap but it taught me to be creative, imaginative, self-sufficient and to enjoy spending time alone. I went through a brief period of wishing I had a little sister when I was about 9 but now the idea of having siblings is really weird to me. You’re not doing your son a disservice by only having him, and another child isn’t worth your mental health.

Honestly, at your sons age even if you fell pregnant today, he’d be almost 9 when baby arrived so it would be like having two only children.

I was one of 4 but my two older siblings are 15 years older so I was effectively an only child until the age of 7 when my younger sibling came along. It was a weird combination of only child but still having siblings. We are all very close which I love, especially with our parents getting older now, but I do remember being so lonely as a child as I didn’t have anyone of a similar age to play with - we didn’t do play dates or have any younger cousins visit so this was the case until I was old enough to visit friends on my own.

It sounds like you have a lovely family unit and, given your birth experience, you really have nothing to feel guilty about.

From your husband’s perspective, I had a similar experience in that I desperately wanted another child but DH didn’t. It took a long time to come to terms with it but I believe both parents need to be fully on board when deciding whether to have more children. While I would still jump at the chance of having another, I’ve accepted we won’t and certainly don’t hold a grudge against my DH.

Good luck, this might be a slow process of healing and coming to terms with some big life choices but take it a step at a time and just keep talking.