Feeling guilt for not wanting a sibling for my child...still...7yrs on...husband upset as I have backed out....I am desperately sad and at breaking point mentally

[solbright]

Feeling pretty low today...so much so I texted the helpline shout at 3am...

I had my son 7 years ago and my pregnancy was horrible (I had a few scares, then had a bleed and ended up with terrible prenatal anxiety then pre eclampsia which was thankfully mild). Labour was horrendous...he pooed in me so needed the drugs to speed it up...had an epidural and ended up in theatre with a ventouse and a bunch of Drs on standby due to his heart rate being low and pooing in me. Post birth I tore front to back and bowel impaction and then pnd. We have been a really happy little family of 3 and until covid had holidays each year and my son was our sidekick and I have always been one and done. I have never had a broody bone in my body since the day he was born.

However a year ago I did say I would try again as the guilt of leaving my son alone got bad and I was approaching 37 and my husband has always wanted another. Then covid hit so we decided not to and deep down I was very happy with this.

We were meant to try in Jan...this gone weekend in fact....but last night after a blazing peak OPK I had a huge panic attack and it all came out that I just cannot do it again. Husband was great and said no amount of expanding the family was worth the state I got in. He said for his own sake we must draw a line so he can move on and I am of course gret with that but feeling utterly guilty like I have let my husband and son down by being one and done.

I am going to get counselling for this guilt to move forward but I simply just never wanted one more......

Don’t feel guilty @solbright, you had a very traumatic birth. There’s nothing stopping you from considering adoption in the future if you felt you still wanted another child.

@Whitecup4

Well maybe it is shit for your husband but that’s just life, things move on and things change, it’s no body’s fault and nothing that can be done about it. I’m sure there are or will be things that your upset or gutted about that your partner has done but that’s just how it goes. Giving and taking. We can’t all have everything.

Your husband seems supportive and understanding which is what he should be, it’s your body. Don’t feel guilty, no one has done anything wrong to warrant it.

Thank you I know you are right just feel such a cow considering it and then taking it away so last minute

you are not letting anyone down. If you don't want or are not sure you want another child, then you shouldn't have one.

@Weirdfan

My experience - I had an older brother I hated and who bullied me mercilessly all through our childhood and teens, we're on nodding terms at family events but I have (and want) nothing to do with him otherwise.

I had 3 miscarriages before I had DD at age 34 and my pregnancy with DD was terrifying as a result, I was scared and depressed throughout because I was sure I would lose her too. Then her birth was horrific, she was back to back (although no one knew/told me) and it ended with her almost not making it and me needing an hours worth of surgery to stitch me up. Had post birth injuries/complications and really struggled when she was newborn.

So all in all I have never wanted another, DH would have had another 10 if I'd been willing I think but he saw what I went through and his view is that any sadness he feels is hugely outweighed by the trauma it would have caused me to try for another. I'm 46 now and no regrets, our little family of three works just fine and DD says she's glad we didn't have more, I believe her actually as I don't think she would have enjoyed siblings. I hope that helps you a little bit OP, I think we tend to forget that what we want/need/can cope with matters just as much as our partners and even DC's feelings, you have nothing to feel guilty about

Thank you so much. I am so sorry you had such an awful time. It really is such a lot to cope with. I am glad your OH has been supportive it makes a big difference x

@PrtScn

Don’t feel guilty *@solbright*, you had a very traumatic birth. There’s nothing stopping you from considering adoption in the future if you felt you still wanted another child.

Thank you xx

@Mumtothelittlefella

Honestly, at your sons age even if you fell pregnant today, he’d be almost 9 when baby arrived so it would be like having two only children.

I was one of 4 but my two older siblings are 15 years older so I was effectively an only child until the age of 7 when my younger sibling came along. It was a weird combination of only child but still having siblings. We are all very close which I love, especially with our parents getting older now, but I do remember being so lonely as a child as I didn’t have anyone of a similar age to play with - we didn’t do play dates or have any younger cousins visit so this was the case until I was old enough to visit friends on my own.

It sounds like you have a lovely family unit and, given your birth experience, you really have nothing to feel guilty about.

From your husband’s perspective, I had a similar experience in that I desperately wanted another child but DH didn’t. It took a long time to come to terms with it but I believe both parents need to be fully on board when deciding whether to have more children. While I would still jump at the chance of having another, I’ve accepted we won’t and certainly don’t hold a grudge against my DH.

Good luck, this might be a slow process of healing and coming to terms with some big life choices but take it a step at a time and just keep talking.

Thank you so much for this. I hope he does not resent me long term like you have not resented your DH

@Peace43

I have an only by choice. She is 10 this weekend. She is adorable and we are very close and she is quite clear that she doesn’t want a sibling. In fact she got very upset when my nephew suggested I was having a baby (no idea where he got that idea from!!). I used to worry because I am pretty close with my sister and I felt I was depriving my DD of that. But as time has gone on I realise I haven’t deprived her of a sibling anymore than my mum deprived me of a second or third sibling!!! You may need some support with your PTSD but having an only child is a valid choice that can lead to a wonderfully happy child just as much as the choice to have 2, 3 or more kids can do!!

Thank you peace xxx

@Ilovegreentomatoes

I've never understood the obsession for more than one child.My dd is 13 and an only and loves it. All my time, money and attention just for her plus she gets a big bedroom all to herself! Like you I knew mentally I could only deal with one, you did the right thing in putting your mental health first far better for your child to have a happy and mentally stable mum.

Thank you xxx

I was on the other side of a similar situation a few years back, in that I really wanted a second child and DH didn't. It does get easier. This may sound slightly odd, but one thing that helped me, was when DH got the snip. Once I knew there was no way it was going to happen it was easier to move on. DS is 13 now, and we are a very happy unit of three.

youve made a sensible and completely understandable decision. Your husband is supporting you in what youve decided. There couldnt have been a compromise over this, you had to decide one way or the other and tbh, I think after what you went through, most people would have chosen the same. Please stop feeling guilty. You were never under any obligation to provide anyone with any children at all, let alone 2 after the first experience was so traumatic and dangerous. Be kind to yourself

Asthenia Hit the nail on the head for me. I too am an only child and had a near perfect upbringing. I’m so grateful for my parents and we are still very close. Occasionally as a child I longed for a sibling. But it really wasn’t a big deal. Be kind to yourself. X

Your husband is sad for you, not because of something you have done. I'm willing to bet he is sad to see that he let it get this far and hadn't realised how much it upset you. It sounds like he sees you as a team, and these are the cards that you, as a couple, have been dealt.

Think how kindly you would feel towards someone else who had to change their plans for medical or trauma reasons. I was told immediately after I had a baby that I was to have no more - you would never think this was something I "did" to my DH. My DH certainly didn't, he was just glad to still have me. I bet you would be lovely to me if I told you. Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to other people - you are clearly a very kind, caring person (but maybe used to putting other people first).

Let your DH comfort you and help you move on together. Tell him you feel guilty for making him sad and he'll probably surprise you with the feelings he is having.

As for your DS - you can't give him a playmate sibling (which might have been a constant squabbling sibling) but you can avoid him watching his mum go through a stressful and traumatic 9 months in front of him. I've no doubt you are doing the best by him - I think the only person you need to give extra care to is yourself.

I can't speak from experience as we have another on the way, but I am an only child myself and don't think you've done anything wrong.
I was unplanned, and it was made quite clear that I just got in the way of my parents enjoying a child free life. All holidays were adult ones centred around what my parents enjoyed (think sightseeing, hiking, etc.), even as a toddler, as they found kids activities boring. So I think it's lovely that you say your son is like your little sidekick and you clearly enjoy having him around.
I used to think my childhood would have been less miserable with siblings, but if my parents had been like you and your husband I don't think it would have mattered that I was an only child.

I have a 16 year old and a 9 year old and as someone else said, they don't really do anything together. If I didn't have others it would be like two only children so don't feel guilty on your child's behalf. Mine would tell you siblings are over rated anyway 😂

Even now l feel a pang of envy when l see people with more than one child but l have also got friends with 2 kids that always wanted a 3rd but didn't have them for some reason so what l think is just don't compare yourself.
As pp have said once l was told definitely can't have any more, l was able to close that door as such and move on which was a bit of a relief in a way.
Some wonderful advice from wise ladies on here but the main one is be kind to yourself

Thank you so much everyone for your comments it does mean a lot. It will be a tough road ahead navigating my husbands disappointment and grief but I am sure in time it will be ok

Awh that's really hard.
You're not letting your DS down at all. We had our 2nd when DD was 6 he ruined her life he takes over everything.
She is 12 now I feel very guilty her life was messed up.
I was devastated my little side kick was pushed out by a screaming baby who still crys 6 years later.

I would reiterate pp's suggestions of counselling, however I would suggest firstly that you look for a counsellor or psychologist that specialises in perinatal issues, you need someone experienced in this area to really support you addressing the traumatic birth. Secondly, I would recommend counselling for your husband as there is a lot for him to work through too- both around witnessing and supporting you through the birth of your child, and adapting to the idea that you will not have a second. You might even consider some couples work, so you can work through these issues together.

What a perfect family you all are!

I had a traumatic birth, though not as bad as yours. A year later I had a long visit from two senior midwives who talked me through everything.

You wouldn't think one visit would have such an effect but they were so knowledgeable and experienced. I found it hugely reassuring. We agreed that if I had a second baby I'd have a planned CS.

I went on to have a second baby and it was all fine. I think it's a shame you didn't have counselling like I did or something more intense after your dreadful experience. Could you get some now? Even if you decide against another pregnancy it can't be good carrying all that trauma around.

Thank your lucky stars; you have a lovely healthy child and a lovely supportive husband who is willing to accept your decision.

In the future, you will both be able to provide more generously for a single child; AND have more time and energey available for each other as marriage partners. As parents of one, it will be easier for you both to pursue your careers and interests; travel in a threesome. Right now, you only have one childs needs to homeschool and two adults to share it. And one day, there could even be more babies, precious grandchildren.

   Appreciate what you've got, enjoy it to the full  and look to the rosy future.

I mean you already had to cope with a hideous birth. That's far worse than not getting a second child in my eyes so I'm not sure why you feel guilty. Without you your husband wouldn't have your son and your son wouldn't be alive.

Don't feel guilty, feel proud that you survived.

Id have counselling and then make a decision.

I've got four children and there is an 8yr gap between the 2nd and 4th. They are in such different life stages that as children growing up together the closest they were was when my 2nd child was enjoying mothering a baby! They may have a good adult relationship one day but to have another child just for your eldest to have a sibling is likely not going to be what you really wanted for either.

I had a very traumatic birth too and I needed a therapy called EMDR to process it, plus hypnotherapy. It took years before I could put it to bed. I did have a second child by elective C etc but no way would I be recommending to another woman who has been through the trauma birth nightmare that she should do anything other than get as much support for her recovery as possible. It's a hard road.