Feeling guilt for not wanting a sibling for my child...still...7yrs on...husband upset as I have backed out....I am desperately sad and at breaking point mentally

[solbright]

Feeling pretty low today...so much so I texted the helpline shout at 3am...

I had my son 7 years ago and my pregnancy was horrible (I had a few scares, then had a bleed and ended up with terrible prenatal anxiety then pre eclampsia which was thankfully mild). Labour was horrendous...he pooed in me so needed the drugs to speed it up...had an epidural and ended up in theatre with a ventouse and a bunch of Drs on standby due to his heart rate being low and pooing in me. Post birth I tore front to back and bowel impaction and then pnd. We have been a really happy little family of 3 and until covid had holidays each year and my son was our sidekick and I have always been one and done. I have never had a broody bone in my body since the day he was born.

However a year ago I did say I would try again as the guilt of leaving my son alone got bad and I was approaching 37 and my husband has always wanted another. Then covid hit so we decided not to and deep down I was very happy with this.

We were meant to try in Jan...this gone weekend in fact....but last night after a blazing peak OPK I had a huge panic attack and it all came out that I just cannot do it again. Husband was great and said no amount of expanding the family was worth the state I got in. He said for his own sake we must draw a line so he can move on and I am of course gret with that but feeling utterly guilty like I have let my husband and son down by being one and done.

I am going to get counselling for this guilt to move forward but I simply just never wanted one more......

I have an only by choice. She is 10 this weekend. She is adorable and we are very close and she is quite clear that she doesn’t want a sibling. In fact she got very upset when my nephew suggested I was having a baby (no idea where he got that idea from!!). I used to worry because I am pretty close with my sister and I felt I was depriving my DD of that. But as time has gone on I realise I haven’t deprived her of a sibling anymore than my mum deprived me of a second or third sibling!!!

You may need some support with your PTSD but having an only child is a valid choice that can lead to a wonderfully happy child just as much as the choice to have 2, 3 or more kids can do!!

I've never understood the obsession for more than one child.My dd is 13 and an only and loves it.
All my time, money and attention just for her plus she gets a big bedroom all to herself!
Like you I knew mentally I could only deal with one, you did the right thing in putting your mental health first far better for your child to have a happy and mentally stable mum.

@Asthenia

Just wanted to say OP as an only child myself you are NOT letting your son down. I have two incredibly loving and supportive parents who I would honestly say are my friends. I was given so much love, attention and support throughout my childhood and that hasn’t changed as an adult. Only children get such a bad rap but it taught me to be creative, imaginative, self-sufficient and to enjoy spending time alone. I went through a brief period of wishing I had a little sister when I was about 9 but now the idea of having siblings is really weird to me. You’re not doing your son a disservice by only having him, and another child isn’t worth your mental health.

Thank you so much. It does mean a lot to hear it from the childs point of view. He did ask for a sibling but much more when he was around 4 or 5. Now he is 7 he says he would like one but that actually he is totally fine alone because he gets all the attention so he has thought about it.

You poor woman. You've been through a hell of a lot and you will need some help to move past this. I've been there, done that. You haven't let your husband down. Not having another baby sounds like the best choice for your family.

I really agree with other posters who say that you should seek counselling/help over what happened during your son’s birth (as you’ve said you plan to). Not so that you can have another child, but for you and your welfare - it has obviously affected you deeply and no one should have to live in the shadow of such trauma.

As for having another child, no parent owes their child a sibling and I think this idea that they do is really damaging and hurtful. The only reason to have a child is because both parents want that child. Not to make a companion for an existing child. You don’t want another child, for extremely understandable reasons.

There are many very happy, very well-adjusted only children. There are many unhappy, poorly adjusted children who have siblings. I’m an only child myself and I have often read threads on here about sibling bullying with horror.

Please try to be kind to yourself - what would you say to a woman who told you exactly what you’ve told us? You wouldn’t think she should feel guilty. I guarantee you wouldn’t be as harsh on her as you’re being on yourself!

OP l was desperate for baby number 2, DH wasn't fussed either way because he already has a mich older son. I had my menopause really early and was told less than 5% chance of conceiving so got offered IVF . I didn't want to go down that road so turned it down and eventually made peace with just having one although it felt like the end of the world . Roll on a few years, l am so happy with my cards l got dealt - we have amazing holidays and are very comfortable. Daughter always has friends over (pre covid) we are very sociable and we have no sibling bickering to referee like my poor mum did with me and my sister, who by the way isn't my best friend as a lot of people assume because we are siblings we must be.
Give your husband time - to grieve if you want to call it that, but he will get there - as l did -he sounds lovely and l am sure he understands why it is not an experience you wish to repeat .

OP you truly had a shocking time with your birth and for that alone I can understand your decision.

Getting some therapy would be of huge help to contextualize it for the future.

I think a lot of mothers feel the guilt thing about only children (we women love our guilt) but I don't believe "only" children necessarily share it.

Each of my children has 3 or 4 "only children" in their circle.
More happy, balanced, lovely people you couldn't meet.
They all have great mum's that have ensured that they have been spoiled OR weighed down by being their sole focus.

A few years ago we had a conversation and it was mentioned that my children had heard them say they loved being an "only".

Do yoù have a dog?
I think a dog is a lovely addition for a lot of family's but for the people I know that have an only child, especially boys, getting a dog was a game changer when they were young.

You sound so lovely.
I think I would have been done after your experience.
My friend had her bladder nicked during a C section and went through years of pain before a surgery finally sorted it. Horrific.

And I also have to agree with above 8 years would be a huge gap and in my anecdotal experience, too much.
It has often been likened too having a completely new family.

Wishing you the very best.
Go easy on the guilt, it solves nothing, changes nothing and sucks the joy from your day.

Keep posting.

There are plenty of happy and well adjusted only children, your son will not be the only one. There is nothing about which you should feel guilty. People should not have kids just to provide a sibling.

You are fortunate to have one child!

Tell your husband to back off, he isn't the one who would be pregnant and giving birth.

Your son will be "alone" you say. Are you on a desert island?

Does your DH know about existing children in need of homes temporarily or permanently? And does he know the planet is infested with far too many of one species?

YABU to feel guilty- you have nothing to feel guilt over. Your pregnancy and post-natal period were very difficult, and it takes a long time to recover from those experiences.
Lots of people are only children, they still.have full, enjoyable, fulfilling lives.
I know your husband is disappointed, and it will take him time to come to terms with the situation, and he will need time to do that.
I wish the three of you all the best

Your husband sounds lovely. He’s right too, it’s not worth your health, mental health or otherwise.
I too had an horrendous pregnancy. Had a planned c section as my baby was breech and quite bad pnd.
We did try again for a sibling but I never got pregnant again. My gut feeling was that my body was telling me it wasn’t going to go through that again. I’ve always deep down been so relieved.
I would ignore any negativity about having an only child. It’s really no one else’s business. You sound like a loving and happy little family. Be kind to yourself 💐

P.S Sib;ing rivalry and hate is just as common as sibling friendship, and what kind of 'friend' is a baby to a, what, possibly twelve to fourteen year old, by the time it arrives? All the adult resources, especially attention, are in an unarguable way ' stolen' by subsequent siblings.

Fostering can be temporary, even very brief for respite care or for sudden emergencies such as parental illness. But it doesn't sound as if you crave extra children at all, which is a compliment to your existing DS, who will know he was perfectly satisfactory, and had no serious shortcomings as your child; ones which could only be remedied by trying for something better . !

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

You poor woman. You've been through a hell of a lot and you will need some help to move past this. I've been there, done that. You haven't let your husband down. Not having another baby sounds like the best choice for your family.

Thank you I think so too just killing me to see my husband so sad

@Buddytheelf85

I really agree with other posters who say that you should seek counselling/help over what happened during your son’s birth (as you’ve said you plan to). Not so that you can have another child, but for you and your welfare - it has obviously affected you deeply and no one should have to live in the shadow of such trauma.

As for having another child, no parent owes their child a sibling and I think this idea that they do is really damaging and hurtful. The only reason to have a child is because both parents want that child. Not to make a companion for an existing child. You don’t want another child, for extremely understandable reasons.

There are many very happy, very well-adjusted only children. There are many unhappy, poorly adjusted children who have siblings. I’m an only child myself and I have often read threads on here about sibling bullying with horror.

Please try to be kind to yourself - what would you say to a woman who told you exactly what you’ve told us? You wouldn’t think she should feel guilty. I guarantee you wouldn’t be as harsh on her as you’re being on yourself!

Thank you buddy I know my son will be OK you ladies have really pulled me through. I just went to chat to my husband and he just looks so broken

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

OP l was desperate for baby number 2, DH wasn't fussed either way because he already has a mich older son. I had my menopause really early and was told less than 5% chance of conceiving so got offered IVF . I didn't want to go down that road so turned it down and eventually made peace with just having one although it felt like the end of the world . Roll on a few years, l am so happy with my cards l got dealt - we have amazing holidays and are very comfortable. Daughter always has friends over (pre covid) we are very sociable and we have no sibling bickering to referee like my poor mum did with me and my sister, who by the way isn't my best friend as a lot of people assume because we are siblings we must be. Give your husband time - to grieve if you want to call it that, but he will get there - as l did -he sounds lovely and l am sure he understands why it is not an experience you wish to repeat .

Thank you very much. yes I have to let him grieve totally...he just said he feels jealousy at our best friends who are having their second in May and that really killed me inside I felt awful

@billy1966

OP you truly had a shocking time with your birth and for that alone I can understand your decision.

Getting some therapy would be of huge help to contextualize it for the future.

I think a lot of mothers feel the guilt thing about only children (we women love our guilt) but I don't believe "only" children necessarily share it.

Each of my children has 3 or 4 "only children" in their circle.
More happy, balanced, lovely people you couldn't meet.
They all have great mum's that have ensured that they have been spoiled OR weighed down by being their sole focus.

A few years ago we had a conversation and it was mentioned that my children had heard them say they loved being an "only".

Do yoù have a dog?
I think a dog is a lovely addition for a lot of family's but for the people I know that have an only child, especially boys, getting a dog was a game changer when they were young.

You sound so lovely.
I think I would have been done after your experience.
My friend had her bladder nicked during a C section and went through years of pain before a surgery finally sorted it. Horrific.

And I also have to agree with above 8 years would be a huge gap and in my anecdotal experience, too much.
It has often been likened too having a completely new family.

Wishing you the very best.
Go easy on the guilt, it solves nothing, changes nothing and sucks the joy from your day.

Keep posting.

Thank you so much...I am not feeling very lovely today. I am feeling pretty wretched but your post has helped...the age gap would be too much

@LizFlowers

There are plenty of happy and well adjusted only children, your son will not be the only one. There is nothing about which you should feel guilty. People should not have kids just to provide a sibling.

You are fortunate to have one child!

Tell your husband to back off, he isn't the one who would be pregnant and giving birth.

I agree I am blessed beyond measure with my son and so many women would be desperate for just one baby

@20mum

Your son will be "alone" you say. Are you on a desert island? Does your DH know about existing children in need of homes temporarily or permanently? And does he know the planet is infested with far too many of one species?

this really made me giggle which was needed....the desert island part I mean :)

@MechantGourmet

YABU to feel guilty- you have nothing to feel guilt over. Your pregnancy and post-natal period were very difficult, and it takes a long time to recover from those experiences. Lots of people are only children, they still.have full, enjoyable, fulfilling lives. I know your husband is disappointed, and it will take him time to come to terms with the situation, and he will need time to do that. I wish the three of you all the best

Thank you for responding. He really needs to grieve it is going to be a long hard process I fear

Your DH will be fine. The possibility was dangled in front of him so he couldn’t move past it. Now you’re being quite clear it’s not going to happen, he can put it to bed. It sounds like he’s very much Team Solbright on this, above anything else.
YAnBU to not want to put yourself and your family through another pregnancy.
YABU to be giving yourself such a hard time about it.

Well maybe it is shit for your husband but that’s just life, things move on and things change, it’s no body’s fault and nothing that can be done about it. I’m sure there are or will be things that your upset or gutted about that your partner has done but that’s just how it goes. Giving and taking. We can’t all have everything.

Your husband seems supportive and understanding which is what he should be, it’s your body. Don’t feel guilty, no one has done anything wrong to warrant it.

@Carysmatthews

Your husband sounds lovely. He’s right too, it’s not worth your health, mental health or otherwise. I too had an horrendous pregnancy. Had a planned c section as my baby was breech and quite bad pnd. We did try again for a sibling but I never got pregnant again. My gut feeling was that my body was telling me it wasn’t going to go through that again. I’ve always deep down been so relieved. I would ignore any negativity about having an only child. It’s really no one else’s business. You sound like a loving and happy little family. Be kind to yourself 💐

Thank you Carys...I really feel we are a lovely little unit...I just feel I have smashed my husband's dreams and so finding it hard to be kind to myself

@20mum

P.S Sib;ing rivalry and hate is just as common as sibling friendship, and what kind of 'friend' is a baby to a, what, possibly twelve to fourteen year old, by the time it arrives? All the adult resources, especially attention, are in an unarguable way ' stolen' by subsequent siblings.

Fostering can be temporary, even very brief for respite care or for sudden emergencies such as parental illness. But it doesn't sound as if you crave extra children at all, which is a compliment to your existing DS, who will know he was perfectly satisfactory, and had no serious shortcomings as your child; ones which could only be remedied by trying for something better . !

Thank you

I think one of the big reasons after trauma was that I felt so complete with my son he is amazing and I do not want or need more he is everything I could ever imagine and more.

@Youseethethingis

Your DH will be fine. The possibility was dangled in front of him so he couldn’t move past it. Now you’re being quite clear it’s not going to happen, he can put it to bed. It sounds like he’s very much Team Solbright on this, above anything else. YAnBU to not want to put yourself and your family through another pregnancy. YABU to be giving yourself such a hard time about it.

Thank you :) my sons shortened name is Sol (sunshine) which is why I picked the name. He just came to me before and said he has to grieve the future he thought but that our family will get through it he just needs time to mourn what he will not have.

My experience - I had an older brother I hated and who bullied me mercilessly all through our childhood and teens, we're on nodding terms at family events but I have (and want) nothing to do with him otherwise.

I had 3 miscarriages before I had DD at age 34 and my pregnancy with DD was terrifying as a result, I was scared and depressed throughout because I was sure I would lose her too. Then her birth was horrific, she was back to back (although no one knew/told me) and it ended with her almost not making it and me needing an hours worth of surgery to stitch me up. Had post birth injuries/complications and really struggled when she was newborn.

So all in all I have never wanted another, DH would have had another 10 if I'd been willing I think but he saw what I went through and his view is that any sadness he feels is hugely outweighed by the trauma it would have caused me to try for another. I'm 46 now and no regrets, our little family of three works just fine and DD says she's glad we didn't have more, I believe her actually as I don't think she would have enjoyed siblings. I hope that helps you a little bit OP, I think we tend to forget that what we want/need/can cope with matters just as much as our partners and even DC's feelings, you have nothing to feel guilty about