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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overly critical ?

57 replies

Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 07:34

I am having trouble deciding who is right here . My husband and I are going through a rough patch , he told me he wants to leave but can’t decide or do it during lockdown so is waiting. This came out of the blue for me and I have been upset when he me mentions it . This has led to him now stonewalling me as he says he can’t talk about it as I get upset. I have also been talking to friends about what is happening, he tells me I am twisting everything he says and that he cannot talk to me about how he feels anymore as I am making him look like the bad person

He tells me one of the reasons he wants to leave is that I am overly sensative. So I am trying to work out if i am or whether his behaviour is wrong . He is very under minding about my parenting style - I occasionally give in to my toddler with his wants , and my husband will say things like ‘wow Authorative’ and walk off, Or if my son says ‘I want a smoothie ‘ my husband gets cross and says to him ‘mummy should give you stuff if you say ‘want’ and not ‘I would like’ and roll
His eyes at me. I take this As critical about my parenting style but he is saying that he is allowed a view. These are just some examples from the weekend , he refuses to let me cook , and if I have a day where I Play with my son or relax he gets cross that I am not being productive. I do 99 percent of the parenting, as he is very traditional
In his roles of parenting , despite me working full time and being the breadwinner (I do a lot of work in the evenings when my son is in bed )

He has barely talked to me this weekend whilst I have been playing with our son, and when I said that I was getting out of the house as the atmosphere was not nice , he said to me ‘look at your face’.

His behaviour is making me want to end the relationship but I am not sure if it’s me overthinking and reacting to things

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 25/01/2021 07:37

He doesn’t sound like a good husband or father so what’s keeping you? You make the money and do all the childcare so how would it be different if he wasn’t there? No grumpy man complaining about things, sounds like a plan to me

AStudyinPink · 25/01/2021 07:40

It wouldn’t be up to him. He’d be leaving.

Gncq · 25/01/2021 07:44

Well it doesn't sound like a particularly happy or healthy partnership "he doesn't let me cook" wtf....

So it doesn't really matter if you're right, he's right, you're both wrong, whatever it's all irrelevant.

Parenting is a team effort and if that team is dysfunctional it's the child/ren suffering.

Original poster
Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 07:55

Thankyou you are right , it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong it’s not healthy , it’s hard to leave though

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 25/01/2021 07:56

And “very traditional” made me laugh. Hardly, if he’s considering leaving his marriage (but can’t quite decide) and his wife makes all the money while he sits on his backside.*

*No issues with wife making the money here, but it’s not “traditional”, is it?

Original poster
Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 07:58

He hates my cooking hence not letting me cook

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 25/01/2021 07:59

What do you mean, he doesn’t ‘let’ you, though? If you walked to the cooker and put some pasta on, what would be actually do?

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2021 08:00

It doesn’t work and you’re incompatible. Why cling on to something that doesn’t work and prolong it. It’s not going to change. You’re not both suddenly going to parent the same way or agree with each other.

DinosaurDiana · 25/01/2021 08:01

You need to kick him out. Don’t let him decide when to go.

redcarbluecar · 25/01/2021 08:02

It doesn’t sound as though you’re getting much from the relationship, and he’s told you he wants to leave. I’m wondering if he’s a bit insecure because of the amount you do and you being the breadwinner etc (hence the petty accusations of you not being productive) - not that that justifies his behaviour. Hope you can find the right way forward in time.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/01/2021 08:02

Why is it hard to leave?

Original poster
Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 08:03

@AStudyinPink

What do you mean, he doesn’t ‘let’ you, though? If you walked to the cooker and put some pasta on, what would be actually do?
He would refuse to eat whatever I cook , take over the cooking or just make something himself so I don’t bother . And it’s really impacted my confidence making me feel I can’t cook, so it’s less he won’t let me and more he makes me think I am a terrible cook and will get criticism if I try
OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 25/01/2021 08:04

‘Take over’ how? And if he doesn’t eat what you cook, so what? That doesn’t mean you can’t cook, it means he can’t eat unless he does it himself. Do you like what you cook?

Anyway, he sounds like a dick. Don’t be a doormat.

DinosaurDiana · 25/01/2021 08:05

I really can’t see why you would want to stay with this man, you are being controlled and abused 💐

Gobbycop · 25/01/2021 08:06

He sounds like a dickhead.

SuperHighway · 25/01/2021 08:07

He's projecting his self loathing and insecurities onto you. Take control and say you agree he should leave and give him a date.

LongDistanceClaret · 25/01/2021 08:07

You deserve so much more than this. His behaviour is highly unreasonable.

mellicauli · 25/01/2021 08:14

He doesn’t provide emotional comfort, he makes you feel uncomfortable and makes you feel bad about yourself
He doesn’t provide financially, in fact he costs you money
He doesn’t help raise your child, he just undermines your efforts

Pack his bags for him, he’s a taker and offers nothing in return

LuaDipa · 25/01/2021 08:15

He sounds awful. The reason he doesn’t want you talking to other people about this is because he knows he is being horrid but he doesn’t want you or them to realise it, he wants it to be all your fault. You are better off without him and his snide comments.

picklemewalnuts · 25/01/2021 08:17

Nasty man. He's projecting, he's the one being critical.

Also, I suspect he isn't planning on leaving so much as threatening to leave if you don't shape up and meet his expectations. He's trying to force you to tiptoe around him, anxious to please him. Don't fall for it. It sounds as though all he's contributing is cooking.

Push back. Ignore him. Cook for yourself and your child, pretend he isn't there. Edge him out.

Whatever you do, don't let him have a change of heart and 'try again'. It will a brief window where he pretends to be a great dad then he'll claim he's the main parent.

Canwecancel2020 · 25/01/2021 08:22

At risk of using an over used term, making you feel like a bad parent, a bad cook, “unproductive” undermining your self confidence, then calling you over sensitive and refusing to engage with your feelings sounds pretty gaslighty to me. Sometimes this is a tactic to control a partner but in this case it’s maybe more a sign he’s checked out of the relationship and does not respect you. I’m so sorry this is happening, you sound like a lovely mum and I really hope you can see it as a joint decision to split and that your life will improve immeasurably in the long run without someone like this pulling you down.

UrsulaVdL · 25/01/2021 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ileflottante · 25/01/2021 08:26

He is an absolute arsehole. You don’t have to ‘make him look like a bad person’, he’s doing that all himself.

You do all the childcare, you earn all the money and he has the audacity to have a pop if he decides you’re being unproductive in a day.

He serves absolutely no purpose. At all. A useless waste of skin. And a nasty one, too.

I’d go so far as to say that he constantly puts you down, criticises you and tries to destroy your confidence and sense of self because he’s threatened by the fact that you do more and earn more than him. He’s unhappy with his own self and you’re taking the brunt.

Don’t leave it to him to decide when he wants to leave, make the decision for him and live free of his negative energy.

Love51 · 25/01/2021 08:37

When i met my husband he couldn't cook. In his defence we were teenagers and his mum's kitchen was her sanctuary. I did what any normal person does with a partner who doesn't know how to cook, and taught him some basic techniques. He moved into a house share and a housemate taught him some other things. A decade on and there is no hierarchy in terms of who is the best cook, we are both competent.

Let him go. You might find your cooking is absolutely fine when not held back by a hyper - critical undermining partner, or you may find there are things you want to learn about cooking, in which case You Tube is your friend.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 25/01/2021 08:40

He does sound overly critical. St first I was on the fence without more detail eg if you've decided together your son isnt getting treats in the morning and then you go against it and give him treats when he has already asked his dad and been told no, then yes hats annoying. But given you do all the childcare then that's not relevant. Not letting you cook, expecting you to do all the childcare on top of work and rolling his eyes at you, criticising you and then calling you sensitive - none of this is nice behaviour.

And the way he is breaking up with you is horrible. Not being able to decide and leaving you in limbo is horrible. Telling you this then refusing to talk it through because you're upset is ridiculous- of course you're going to be upset, no one ends a marriage and expects the other person to be fine with it. Do yourself a favour and make the decision for him. He is allowed to go somewhere else to live if you have broken up

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