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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overly critical ?

57 replies

Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 07:34

I am having trouble deciding who is right here . My husband and I are going through a rough patch , he told me he wants to leave but can’t decide or do it during lockdown so is waiting. This came out of the blue for me and I have been upset when he me mentions it . This has led to him now stonewalling me as he says he can’t talk about it as I get upset. I have also been talking to friends about what is happening, he tells me I am twisting everything he says and that he cannot talk to me about how he feels anymore as I am making him look like the bad person

He tells me one of the reasons he wants to leave is that I am overly sensative. So I am trying to work out if i am or whether his behaviour is wrong . He is very under minding about my parenting style - I occasionally give in to my toddler with his wants , and my husband will say things like ‘wow Authorative’ and walk off, Or if my son says ‘I want a smoothie ‘ my husband gets cross and says to him ‘mummy should give you stuff if you say ‘want’ and not ‘I would like’ and roll
His eyes at me. I take this As critical about my parenting style but he is saying that he is allowed a view. These are just some examples from the weekend , he refuses to let me cook , and if I have a day where I Play with my son or relax he gets cross that I am not being productive. I do 99 percent of the parenting, as he is very traditional
In his roles of parenting , despite me working full time and being the breadwinner (I do a lot of work in the evenings when my son is in bed )

He has barely talked to me this weekend whilst I have been playing with our son, and when I said that I was getting out of the house as the atmosphere was not nice , he said to me ‘look at your face’.

His behaviour is making me want to end the relationship but I am not sure if it’s me overthinking and reacting to things

OP posts:

Calmandmeasured1 · 25/01/2021 08:45

he wants to leave but can’t decide or do it during lockdown so is waiting.

His behaviour is making me want to end the relationship
Neither of you are happy together. Can you not just take the decision out of his hands and start the ball rolling, as amicably as possible?

If he has issues with your parenting he should address them with you directly, not by saying things to your child. That is childish. You need to discuss these issues for when you split up as you will still have to co-parent.

(Also, I hope you don't mind me pointing it out but the term is undermining and not under minding).

Idefinatelyhavefriends · 25/01/2021 08:47

He sounds like a prick. Lucky you that you already make all the money and do all the parenting so you don't need him! I couldn't be dealing with someone making me doubt my parenting skills and cooking. Life is hard enough- and too short. Nothing wrong with giving into a toddler from time to time. We have to pick our battles!

Aprilx · 25/01/2021 09:08

You do all the parenting and are the main bread winner. There aren’t even any ducks to line up, you are all set to go it alone. He sounds awful and neither of you are happy.

CSIblonde · 25/01/2021 09:42

It's an unequal relationship where he's in charge : you say he won't let me, there's no compromise etc. He's not your boss. He undermines you & won't communicate. I wouldn't want my child being modelled that sort of emotionally abusive relationship . It sounds so depressing.

Original poster

Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 09:43

Thanks mumsnetters I had thought all of this but was so unsure and he made me think his way of behaving was normal in a relationship ! I am finding some self respect and it’s time to end it. Sorry about the spelling mistakes , and I do cook fine meals for my son when it’s just me and him.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 25/01/2021 10:19

Good for you op. Having just been through divorce myself, I am flabbergasted by how much happier I am, so hope it's the same for you. And, with the benefit of hindsight, I would say the younger the children are, the better; in terms of when to do it. Good luck.

changingmine · 25/01/2021 10:23

The guy sounds deeply unpleasant. So you really want to fight for this relationship? Or do you want to live a real life?

HeadsOrHearts · 25/01/2021 11:14

I would say you're not overly critical (from the examples you've given). He's actually critical himself - and clearly seeking reasons to 'give' for why he needs to leave. He won't talk to you because it's easier for him to just hold his beliefs and make you question your own worth. He's making you feel inadequate and questioning things that you wouldn't normally question. He should not be talking to your child like this - he's not doing it for their benefit. Understand and acknowledge that he's doing this - it's clear to see. This is classic gaslighting behaviour.

Keep a notebook of what was said and when. Keep this to yourself. I'm sorry to say but I think it might be best to move on. Try not to engage (I know this is really difficult). Understand what he's doing and don't play his game. I'm sorry you're going through this x

user194729573 · 25/01/2021 11:26

Look at the Freedom Programme course if you want some help resetting your perspective on what a healthy relationship looks like.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/01/2021 11:32

What is the point of him?

He contributes nothing to the household, either financially or in terms of domestic or emotional support. He goes out of his way to criticise your parenting and needle you. This business about him refusing to eat meals you cook is just downright insulting: and btw if he's sitting on his arse all day and you're bringing in the money he's bloody lucky you are cooking for him at all.

I would be delighted to see the back of a man like this and would be actively encouraging him to leave. It sounds like he doesn't actually want to leave, he's just using it as another stick to beat you with so call his bluff and tell him you'd like him out.

And I wouldn't engage at all in his attempts to bring you down. Just cut him cold.

Original poster

Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 11:58

Thanks checking out the freedom project now

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2021 12:04

Fucking hell. Get out of this car crash of a relationship. You'll be so much happier.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/01/2021 12:08

Apart from cooking what does he do?

Ludo19 · 25/01/2021 12:12

I'm sorry but your husband is a nasty piece of work.

Take the desicion for you and your son and tell him to go. Don't listen to any excuses of him changing.....he won't.

I honestly understand it difficult, really I do. Think of your son and your own happiness, you deserve better. Good luck x

Ponoka7 · 25/01/2021 12:21

He wants out, but wants you to leave. As said, you need to get out, but make sure you aren't left in a vulnerable position. He will ramp things up, gradually, so you do doubt yourself.

Original poster

Acheyneck · 25/01/2021 13:01

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to comment on the thread , you have given me confidence , rationality and you are all life savers , I had reservations about posting but so glad I did

OP posts:

Petitmum · 25/01/2021 13:07

For goodness sake open your eyes and get rid of him!!! You should not be living like this, he will never change!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/01/2021 13:07

You say he wants to leave and that makes you upset, but then say you want to end the relationship? So who is it that wants yo end it? Sounds like both of you, so it shouldn't be that hard. You do 99% of the childcare and are the main earner. Sounds like you will be fine on your own.

Aimee1987 · 25/01/2021 13:18

Does he have any good points because I'm failing to see how he improves your life.
Time to say goodbye. Start getting your affairs in order today starting with a phone call to a solicitor.

coldsunnydays · 25/01/2021 13:24

‘wow Authorative’ and walk off, Or if my son says ‘I want a smoothie ‘ my husband gets cross and says to him ‘mummy should give you stuff if you say ‘want’ and not ‘I would like’ and roll
His eyes at me

He is horrible. If you are upset by his behaviour that is a normal reaction to bullying, critical, sarcastic, attacking behaviour. He is a nasty person who has no idea how to have constructive disagreements, and probably no desire to as I am sure he enjoys the petty power trip he gets from feeling superior to you.

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 13:26

Sounds like you'll be a lot happier when hes gone. We are allowed to move house in lockdown so tell him to crack on and get gone. It sounds as though all he is good for is doing not much and criticising everything you do

BonnieDundee · 25/01/2021 13:27

Oh and he is trying to guilt trip you into not telling your friends how awful he is. Keep talking to your friends. They will keep you sane through it.

billy1966 · 25/01/2021 14:19

Help him pack and get him out.

Nasty waste of space.

ginnybag · 25/01/2021 15:11

He's useless, and you need to get rid asap, but some of what you're saying is ringing some alarm bells for me.

Is your toddler in nursery? If so, who does drop off and pick up? Does your partner work out of the house normally, and if so, how many hours? Does he ever do childcare? I ask, because I'm wondering f he's trying to muddy the waters re who the main caregiver is. You say he's 'traditional'. but.... If he's working less hours, insisting on solely doing tasks like cooking etc, he could be trying to create a position where he can claim he's the main caregiver to your son, and so you will have to leave, and keep supporting them.

TwilightSkies · 25/01/2021 15:20

Yeah leaving is hard. But so is staying with someone who treats you like dirt and destroys your confidence.

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