Bf doesn't want to move in together

[Cremeegg30]

He hasn't said he doesn't, but I feel like the signs are there. It's completely fine if he isn't ready yet, I'd just prefer him to be honest.
Been together 9 months and he's 27. Indeed it's not a huge amount of time. The moving in would likely have been for later this year, so around the year mark.
I know there's no set date and it's when people feel ready.
Anyway he's currently staying with me for the lockdown but in normal times we only see each other every 2-3 weeks, usually for a few days at a time as we live 100 miles apart and neither can drive.
It was him who brought up the subject of moving in together so that we didn't have to be long distance.
He previously lived in the city I work in and said that he wanted to move back here.
I should mention that he has a mild learning disability and has had previous troubles with employment because of it.
He currently works part time when it's not lockdown but I think he's very hesitant about going back into work full time and this plays a part.
He's a bit lost and has no idea what he wants to do in life. I was previously trying to help him find a job and tried to get him an interview at my work but realised this was futile as he refuses every suggestion.
I hope in time he will figure things out for himself.
Anyway he never mentions moving in anymore. The other day he said how he really doesn't want to live in houseshares again. I said that we wouldn't have to if we got a place together (renting).
He said, "Well, have you found somewhere?" And I said no but there were always places.
He just seemed cagey. Then I asked him if he was still up for living together and mentioned he seemed hesitant. he said he 'never envisaged it being forever'.
I asked what he meant and said that nothing was 'forever'. I told him there was no rush.
Then he said he 'couldn't picture it in his mind' but said he does want to live together.
Anyway I'm not going to raise the subject again. I don't want to seem pushy so I'm going to carry on with looking for a place for myself and not asking him again. I need to make plans around myself.
It's fine if he isn't ready, just would be better if he was honest. He's not doing anything to change his situation and work towards it so I guess he doesn't want to.
Really hope I don't sound harsh or anything.

He currently lives with family and says he's unhappy there and wants to leave.

Are you currently staying at your parents?

I don't think it's pushy to ask him for a definite answer. If he wants to stay with you in a rented place why should you have to do all the leg work finding somewhere and presumably paying all the deposit yourself just so he can move in at some point?

You need to talk about how it would work financially with him only working part time. Do you see a future with him, as in children, marriage? It sounds like you're going to end up supporting him.

I would demand some answers. Is he going to move back home (to this parents?) after lockdown eases? He needs to decide what he wants.

If he wants to live separately and continue dating then he should respect you enough to tell you.

No currently live in a flat share, but would have rented a 1 bed flat with him.

It was him that came up with the whole idea and initially we were both looking at flats etc. But as I said he never talks about it anymore.

He told me yesterday he does want to but that never envisaged it being forever thing was strange.

I don't go into things with that mindset, don't see renting together as a massive commitment and if it doesn't work out well at least you tried.

Yeah he has said he's worried that he will end up still in his current situation and I will be the one paying everything (i wouldn't allow that to happen )

He's going back to theirs after lockdown and no doubt we'll carry on meeting every couple of weeks. I've found him several course , jobs etc. But he never applied for anything so just stopped.

You need a partner, not a project, lovely. You're doing all these things to try and help him, but he's not interested. I promise you

Is he able to pay the bills when he’s losing jobs and working part time? I don’t think living with him is a good plan, he sounds like a bit of a liability

pressed send too soon

I promise you that as time goes on, you'll start to resent his lack of drive and

Motivation!

You are being a rescuer. He only works part-time and doesn't seem to want full time. He whines about not liking living at home (rent free I assume), but does nothing to change it. Because being a lazy, passive manchild is his identity. He doesn't work full time (how would he even pay half the rent if you do move in together?), he lacks motivation, he lacks determination to change his living arrangements he's unhappy in, he's 27 with no plans for his own future, and all the time your hoping he'll work it out and change. He won't - he's 27 ffs.

Hope of change is an awful basis for a relationship!!

Is he financially contributing while staying at yours? Is he pulling his weight chores wish? Or is he a perpetual passive victim of circumstance? Who does he blame for his situation? Himself or the world?

It seems like it could be one of two things. It is only 9 months and most of it is in lockdown so he doesn't really know you/spent enough time together to be thinking of such a commitment.
The other explanation is that he doesn't really want this to go further. The whole 'forever' thing from him sounds like he is comfortable as it is, but he doesn't want to commit to anything.

I think it's depression. He hasn't got any qualifications really and feels he has no prospects. Again I've tried to support him getting him onto GCSE courses and diplomas etc. But once again he doesn't proceed with any application.

I love him and want to support him, at the same time I know it's not my job and it's down to him.

I think that's what he's worried about, about not having a full time job to afford rent etc. Which I understand.

He's a potential cocklodger OP

We have lived together for 3 months due to lockdowns etc. But he will be going back home soon.
I think he just suggested it then got cold feet. I don't go into things thinking 'forever' either, he pays rent to his family, I just don't know what I can do to help but feel that someone needs to.
He does contribute towards living with me.

It sounds like anxiety and depression to me (although I'm not a doctor).

You can't rescue him from that -- he has to rescue himself.

Sounds like the wrong guy.
Even if you end up living together he wont want to gett married, well, not to you.

You're right , I can't. He just doesn't seem to be trying. I was really pleased for him that he got the part time job but it's only 10 hours a week. He needs to speak to a professional.

He just doesmt sound like a good bet. I get that you love him but when the cracks appear, accept them. See them for what they are. Dont push water uphill.

He doesn't sound like a great catch, tbh. You're doing a lot of supporting but I'm not sure what you are getting out of the relationship.

I wouldn't move in with him anyway. He need to get his own issues sorted out first.

You say he doesn't have qualifications or great job prospects. Unless he takes steps to change that, he's just going to be 30 in the same situation.

What do you want in a partner?

He said he's worried that he will end up still in his current situation and I will end up paying everything

That's what will happen. I don't know the extent of his learning difficulties but it sounds as though he's tried living with you as adults and now wants to go home to his family. Everything is probably done for him there.

It sounds as though he's not very good at life in general, not even prepared to look for jobs in the area (he says he wants to move into ) or make any adult decisions.

He might be like this with every step in your relationship- you pushing and trying to help him, him stalling and not wanting to make changes or commit to anything?

Complete waste of time op. Get your own place that's affordable for you on your own and be proud you can do that. Be very clear that if he stays with you for more than a weekend he has to contribute to bills and on those weekends he should be buying food etc if it's a regular thing. You say you love him but what exactly do you love. What qualities and traits do you admire.. How would you see your long term future do you want kids, at all or with him? If you struggle with answers cut this one loose. No qualifications, no get up and go, no burning desire to move ANYTHING forward.. Its a no from me

I've found him several course , jobs etc. But he never applied for anything so just stopped.

That's your answer there. He doesn't want to. He has s very different idea of what he wants to you, he may not be saying it but actions speak louder than words.

You sound a lot like me in my 20s. I thought I was being a decent person to help my boyfriend get a job etc. I didn't understand what a waste of time that was. You can't sort other people's lives out for them. This guy doesn't want to get a job, doesn't want to live with you and doesn't see your relationship as long term.

Do you sound harsh? No, you don't. But maybe you should try being harsh. I mean it it kindly, but you sound like you're being a doormat.

This guy will suck all the joy out of your life He's a man child and you are acting like you can be his saviour but sadly, it doesn't work like that. This unequal relationship will grind you down over time.

The sooner you realise he's not for you, the better, so you can get on with finding someone who does want a job, a nice life and most importantly, wants to be with you.

Do you want kids? Please don't waste your 30s with this guy and wake up one day in your late 30s realising you've likely missed the boat to have kids with a decent man who's an actual grown up who loves and respects you.

You're not supporting him by finding him jobs and courses. You're just deluding yourself. Stop making excuses for him: I think he's depressed, it's lack of qualifications holding him back,.
I think it's x, y and z.

If he was really worried about ending up being supported by you he'd be jumping at the courses, and applying for every job. He's not! He's not worried about it at all. He was simply laying the groundwork, so when you live together and you're paying for everything, he can say he warned you and you still choose to do it.

He doesn't want to change, he just wants to whine about how hard life is for him and how the world has conspired against him.

Try not to make excuses for him ,itsnot depression.
And I'm not being harsh ,but do you want to be saddled with a " depressed' person who doesn't try to help himself. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you ,you've only been dating 9 months and you are finding out you are incompatible. Move on and find someone with a but more oomph.
You don't owe him anything, it's not a 30 year marriage.

He wanted to live with you.
He's tried it for 3 months.
Now he's ready to go home.
He no longer wants to live with you in the future.
He's happy to whine about his life.
He's happy to make no changes to his life.

It sounds like time is up on your relationship.

So would he work part time and you full time ?
How would you split your finances if that’s the case ?

So he’s 27 with no qualifications and no interest in getting any, can’t hold down a job, doesn’t want to live with you long term and lacks any motivation or drive. He’s a right fixer upper. Added to that you’ve only been together 9 months so you should still be in the completely loved up honeymoon phase of the relationship. In your shoes I’d run for the hills and look for someone who deserves you.