Bf doesn't want to move in together

[Cremeegg30]

He hasn't said he doesn't, but I feel like the signs are there. It's completely fine if he isn't ready yet, I'd just prefer him to be honest.
Been together 9 months and he's 27. Indeed it's not a huge amount of time. The moving in would likely have been for later this year, so around the year mark.
I know there's no set date and it's when people feel ready.
Anyway he's currently staying with me for the lockdown but in normal times we only see each other every 2-3 weeks, usually for a few days at a time as we live 100 miles apart and neither can drive.
It was him who brought up the subject of moving in together so that we didn't have to be long distance.
He previously lived in the city I work in and said that he wanted to move back here.
I should mention that he has a mild learning disability and has had previous troubles with employment because of it.
He currently works part time when it's not lockdown but I think he's very hesitant about going back into work full time and this plays a part.
He's a bit lost and has no idea what he wants to do in life. I was previously trying to help him find a job and tried to get him an interview at my work but realised this was futile as he refuses every suggestion.
I hope in time he will figure things out for himself.
Anyway he never mentions moving in anymore. The other day he said how he really doesn't want to live in houseshares again. I said that we wouldn't have to if we got a place together (renting).
He said, "Well, have you found somewhere?" And I said no but there were always places.
He just seemed cagey. Then I asked him if he was still up for living together and mentioned he seemed hesitant. he said he 'never envisaged it being forever'.
I asked what he meant and said that nothing was 'forever'. I told him there was no rush.
Then he said he 'couldn't picture it in his mind' but said he does want to live together.
Anyway I'm not going to raise the subject again. I don't want to seem pushy so I'm going to carry on with looking for a place for myself and not asking him again. I need to make plans around myself.
It's fine if he isn't ready, just would be better if he was honest. He's not doing anything to change his situation and work towards it so I guess he doesn't want to.
Really hope I don't sound harsh or anything.

He’s not interested, and that’s an utter blessing for you even if you can’t see that just now. He sounds dull. You want someone who adds to your life, not this drainer of joy.

From what you've said OP, it appears as if he likes to be with you because it feels like being with his mum who died everything for him, encourage him, do his homework for him and just makes every better.

You might enjoy this for now but he assured that one day, you'll wake up wondering why you are shouldering all the responsibility whilst he sits there feeling sorry for himself and blaming everyone else for being where he is.

You can do better OP and he needs time to learn to grow up. Everyone would love to only work PT. Most have long accepted that when you don't have any caring responsibilities, it is not an option.

Sweetheart I suspect his learning difficulties aren't mild. I very much suspect you're not getting the full story.

If hes made it through school once and it didnt work you need to know why, not push more courses on him. Unless it was a massive failure of support in school retaking them is fairly pointless, theres even less SN support once you reach adulthood.

I object to called someone with SN a cocklodger. Not everyone can function in society on the level expected. But you do need to be fully aware what you are taking on and the full extent of the benefits he receives. If actually he is on a fairly substantial package of support him moving in with you might actually be seriously disruptive to the people who currently support him. He might be very reluctant to do that given how often relationships go wrong. And when relationships go wrong with learning difficulties involved it can go very wrong indeed.

You sound very young. Not in a bad way. But I do think you need to wise up a bit

@Cremeegg30

"I think it's depression. He hasn't got any qualifications really and feels he has no prospects. Again I've tried to support him getting him onto GCSE courses and diplomas etc. But once again he doesn't proceed with any application."

FGS. Can't you see a lifetime of you being his mother. He is already getting dependent on you after months together. Can't you do any better than this cocklodger in waiting?

Thanks for all the replies. Feel pretty sad to see it spelled out like that but I guess that's for the best and that's how it is.

He is always saying that he has no idea what job he wants to do or what he's good at. He got fired from a string of jobs and says he hasn't got the confidence to get back out there.

He had one of those open return tickets and apparently it runs out on some date at the start of Feb so he says he's going back that date. He could get a new one for £8 if he wanted to but..

Anyway this has made me realise that I have tried to act as some sort of saviour but there is nothing I can do really.

Assuming you are an adult, get your Woman hat on and think carefully about this. What are the implications if you 'get your way'? A life time of rescue and repair? An inadequate father for possible children?

The question to ask yourself is why you are setting your bar so low.

Objectively, he doesn't want the same things as you do, he shows little promise for mutual compatibility. So, why are you pursuing this route?

It's not about getting my way, just want him to be upfront, but you're right I guess I'm hoping he will sort himself out. Maybe he will but who knows.
I have probably been deluded to think he does want to live with me.

Anyway this has made me realise that I have tried to act as some sort of saviour but there is nothing I can do really.

OMG you've made my day! You have no idea how much of my life I wasted before I learnt this lesson and how much I let myself be dragged down by poor relationship with the wrong men. I am so, so happy for you that you're not going to make yourself learn the hard way like I did, it was such a monumental waste of time, energy and self esteem.

It may not feel like it, but you've just taken a hugely positive step and opened a load of doors for yourself. Your future is looking a zillion times brighter than it was at the start of this thread.

Ah don't blame yourself. You tried and that's what life's about, throwing yourself into things and learning from them. He's probably good company, you enjoy being around him and recognise his good qualities. Sometimes that's not enough when it comes to actual real adult life, taking responsibility and adapting to change.

You sound kind and understanding of his difficulties but I think it's time to stop worrying about what he wants and start concentrating on what you want from a relationship.

You want completely different things, that doesn't mean what you had together was meaningless.
I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you.

The 10 hours rings a bell for me. I suspect you might find that's a threshold time for a benefit (ie work longer lose a specific benefit but work up to that many hours and you keep what you earn). But I'm not hot on adult and employment support.

OP just imagine living with someone like this. If he won't hold down a job he probably won't be prepared to do the housework, contribute to the bills, sit down and do life admin together, save for a house.

Imagine trying to organise a wedding with this person or having children.

You can't rely on him. He sounds like a complete liability

OP I really feel for you - I’ve been on the receiving end of harsh truths on this board too and reading them hurts! The “forever” stuff is shorthand for not wanting to be with you long term. I think you know this which is why you posted. If I were you I’d make a clean break and ask him to go home now. Take the power back and don’t sit there like some endless resource just waiting to be used when he deigns to do so.

I have a relative with a similar work history and mild learning difficulties - he has managed to get full time work (or at least contract work) after every knock back, with barely a break. It is possible. On the other hand I have a dyslexic and lazy ex who I tried to find opportunities etc for, he’s finally pulled himself together more than a decade after we broke up! So glad I didn’t hang around waiting...

Good luck. You do deserve an equal partner and you will NOT regret this coming to an end, in the long run.

He's had opportunity to end things so not sure why he isn't, he's even talking about going away over summer etc.
He receives UC I think but no kind of DSA.

Feel so rubbish right now even if I needed to hear this.

I guess what's telling is that his last gf before me was something he described as not serious as he wasn't looking for serious. Then he said they were very different people etc.
I said well something must have made him want to date her in the first place and he said "Well she wanted to go out with me ".

Do you want kids? If so then do you think it fair to chose someone like him for their father? I understand that a lot of things must be incredibly difficult if you have SN even if it's mild but he isn't even trying to help himself. He is 27 so I can't see anything changing

I don't want to have children though that may change in the future.
I guess he will probably meet someone he does want to be serious and will move in with , usually works like that.

He's had opportunity to end things so not sure why he isn't
Because you are looking after him and although he resents it to some extend, he finds comfort in it.

The moment you tell him to sort himself out, out of there he'll be in 2 seconds.

It's hard to see it when you are in love but you can be assured that o e day, you'll wake up very relieved that you didn't get caught in the life of someone who can't really commit to anything.

I think he just does not want to move with you. He has as good as said it, and now he will be returning to his parents house. He is doing you a favour, why on earth would you want to move in with him, working ten hours a week and not doing anything to improve his situation. It would mean you doing all the grunt work, paying for everything and no holidays or fun times. He is not depressed, he likes working for pocket money and extending his teenage years.

I've found him several course , jobs etc. But he never applied for anything so just stopped
You sound more like his mother than a girlfriend. He has a mother already and is 27. He should be sorting out his own life.

The thing is only yesterday he said he wants to live with me and he doesn't seem distant or off or anything. I just don't know what to do or say, so torn.

He's had opportunity to end things so not sure why he isn't,

Because he considers himself a victim in everything. If he ends it, there's no self pity or pity from others as it was his decision. However, you end it he can justify his "woe is me" attitude. In this case, you need to make the decision right for you. I think you know what that is but difficult to do

Op you seem more concerned with whether he wants to live with you and sadness over the whys of this.

As a fellow rescuer I feel for you. But read the advice above carefully. What kind of life would you anticipate having with this man? Ask why you are even considering moving in with him.

You are still in the honeymoon period (Or should be) but it’s already hard work and you sound like you are pedalling alone. ‘Love’ is not enough when it comes to the nitty gritty of life and needing someone who is a proper supportive partner.

I’m glad you’re listening and noticing the red flags, even if it’s hard to hear. I’m a bit of a rescuer myself, and it has been hard to break out of that mindset. But you need to think about what you get out of the relationship. What will your future be?

Mumsnet is full of threads by women who could be you in the future. So many threads about DHs who can’t get their shit together, walk out of their jobs leaving their family’s finances in chaos, can’t act like an adult. Sadly, your DP reminds me of my friend’s boyfriend, who also has mild SN. He’s done OK at the holding down a job part but has never changed a single nappy, won’t get married as he doesn’t like social occasions, and can’t cope with really basic life admin. My poor friend is basically his mother and it’s exhausting for her. Of course not every guy with SN is the same but there is definitely a pattern there.

*He told me yesterday he does want to but that never envisaged it being forever thing was strange.

I don't go into things with that mindset, don't see renting together as a massive commitment and if it doesn't work out well at least you tried.*

A lot of people think like this but then an accidental pregnancy happens and you’re shackled to someone you never felt committed to in the first place. P.ease don’t move in with him yet, if ever.

I mean it's possible he will move into a rental with you. If he's on universal credit, they will pay his rent. That probably explains why he only works under 12 hours as it won't affect his benefit.

What you need to consider is if you want this? I'd say he was a drifter- plodding along not taking much responsibility for himself, not making attempts to change or better himself, just carrying on doing a little work, not aspiring to anything better or committing to anything.

He would probably like you to make the decision. He'll just go along with it and want you to take control. He likely will never be proactive in decisions, undertaking housework, life admin or being a grown up. That maybe partly due to his learning difficulties, but won't change.

Decide if you want that life with him. Like a pp said, you're in danger of becoming his mother almost. Would he support you in difficult times; emotionally or financially? Is this an equally supportive partnership?.