Bf doesn't want to move in together

[Cremeegg30]

He hasn't said he doesn't, but I feel like the signs are there. It's completely fine if he isn't ready yet, I'd just prefer him to be honest.
Been together 9 months and he's 27. Indeed it's not a huge amount of time. The moving in would likely have been for later this year, so around the year mark.
I know there's no set date and it's when people feel ready.
Anyway he's currently staying with me for the lockdown but in normal times we only see each other every 2-3 weeks, usually for a few days at a time as we live 100 miles apart and neither can drive.
It was him who brought up the subject of moving in together so that we didn't have to be long distance.
He previously lived in the city I work in and said that he wanted to move back here.
I should mention that he has a mild learning disability and has had previous troubles with employment because of it.
He currently works part time when it's not lockdown but I think he's very hesitant about going back into work full time and this plays a part.
He's a bit lost and has no idea what he wants to do in life. I was previously trying to help him find a job and tried to get him an interview at my work but realised this was futile as he refuses every suggestion.
I hope in time he will figure things out for himself.
Anyway he never mentions moving in anymore. The other day he said how he really doesn't want to live in houseshares again. I said that we wouldn't have to if we got a place together (renting).
He said, "Well, have you found somewhere?" And I said no but there were always places.
He just seemed cagey. Then I asked him if he was still up for living together and mentioned he seemed hesitant. he said he 'never envisaged it being forever'.
I asked what he meant and said that nothing was 'forever'. I told him there was no rush.
Then he said he 'couldn't picture it in his mind' but said he does want to live together.
Anyway I'm not going to raise the subject again. I don't want to seem pushy so I'm going to carry on with looking for a place for myself and not asking him again. I need to make plans around myself.
It's fine if he isn't ready, just would be better if he was honest. He's not doing anything to change his situation and work towards it so I guess he doesn't want to.
Really hope I don't sound harsh or anything.

We have lived together for 3 months due to lockdowns

Has he been paying his way while you've been living together the last 3 months, half of your bills and paying his share towards food?

So he went out with his last girlfriend because she wanted to go out with him; and he's still going out with you because you haven't dumped him yet.

Speaking as one of the "People who 50% or are divorced" I think you need to see the end game here. He has a different set of life values to you - however he came to them. It's not a basis for a long term relationship.

Very strange for a pp to hang around on the mumsnet relationship boards telling people to go to Reddit ? Do you work for them?

What are we teaching young women that they will accept such a low bar from a potential life partner.

OP you need to ask yourself why you are so desperate to be coupled up that you choose someone who can’t hold down a job, has never lived independently, has no qualifications and is clearly looking for someone to sponge off?

There are loads of charities looking for volunteers if you want an altruistic project. A life partner should not be one of these.

Look for equality, of drive, of ambition, of hopes and plans.

He sounds an absolute loser. I hope you have got contraception sorted.

"OP you need to ask yourself why you are so desperate to be coupled up that you choose someone who can’t hold down a job, has never lived independently, has no qualifications and is clearly looking for someone to sponge off?"

I don't think this is fair. Presumably he has lots of lovely characteristics or OP wouldn't have gone for him in the first place. Reducing someone down to their prospects and how much of a grown up they are isn't necessarily the habit for people dating in their teens and twenties. I've dated some "losers" myself because they were handsome, fun, good company, amazing cooks, had interesting anecdotes etc etc - and because I wasn't looking for a life partner at the time. Doesn't mean the OP is desperate for a relationship necessarily - there are lots of reasons why people get into relationships like this other than looking for a "project".

Actually I think there are lots of men like this OP who drift around waiting for other people to make decisions for them. The question is - does he make you happy and are you excited at the prospect of financially and emotionally supporting this semi-reluctant partner?

If we are recommending Reddit boards then female dating strategy is a better choice. They have an entire philosophy about not dating men who don’t have their shit together.

@WitchWife

"OP you need to ask yourself why you are so desperate to be coupled up that you choose someone who can’t hold down a job, has never lived independently, has no qualifications and is clearly looking for someone to sponge off?"

I don't think this is fair. Presumably he has lots of lovely characteristics or OP wouldn't have gone for him in the first place. Reducing someone down to their prospects and how much of a grown up they are isn't necessarily the habit for people dating in their teens and twenties. I've dated some "losers" myself because they were handsome, fun, good company, amazing cooks, had interesting anecdotes etc etc - and because I wasn't looking for a life partner at the time. Doesn't mean the OP is desperate for a relationship necessarily - there are lots of reasons why people get into relationships like this other than looking for a "project".

Actually I think there are lots of men like this OP who drift around waiting for other people to make decisions for them. The question is - does he make you happy and are you excited at the prospect of financially and emotionally supporting this semi-reluctant partner?

WitchWife Your opinion is your own, but I’m not interested in your view of mine.

You can speculate about imagined characteristics but my response was based on what we have actually been TOLD by the OP.

I think she needs to reflect on why she sees it as her role in life to rescue or manage him or indeed any boyfriend. And planning to live together after nine months, with all the red flags, is foolish, no matter how many witty anecdotes he may tell.
Although, it has to be said, he sounds as dull as dishwater with a rolling soundtrack of how unfair life has been to him.

Didn’t your parents teach you about mutualities in relationships, OP?

OP, if his ticket runs out at the beginning of February, ask him now to show it to you so you can see exactly what date it expires. Tell him you are booking him a seat on a train the day before at such-and-such a time and then book it. Help him pack. You won’t regret it in a month’s time.