To ask for assurance

[Glitteringwebs]

Please can some people assure me that I’m doing the right thing.

Tomorrow I’m leaving my partner of 12 years. I will be going to live with other family members. He doesn’t know.
I can no longer tolerate the emotional abuse from him. He blames me for everything, puts me down in front of the kids and just shows no respect. I’m forever walking on eggshells to avoid being put down.

We have 2 children, a daughter aged 7, and Son aged 3.
I know I am never going to be happy here and it must be damaging for the kids, but now I’m scared.
We’ve been dependent on him for everything, I feel like a silly child who is now imposing on other family members due to bad life choices. The kids won’t have as much as they do here... space, financial security. Also, despite everything he does, I’m feeling guilt. He also has done a lot for us and it makes me feel so conflicted.

Please can I have assurance that I am absolutely doing the right thing.

You are. Absolutely. For you and for your children.

Yes, you are absolutely doing the right thing, you really are.
No-one should live with abuse and you are very brave to walk away. You are also doing it for your children, it is never good for them to live in such a toxic atmosphere, you are giving them freedom.

Please believe in yourself. It doesn't matter how much he has 'done' for you or whatever, any abuse is totally and utterly wrong. Well done for taking this step, I will be thinking of you and good luck. One day you will look back and realise you were right.

Definitely doing the right thing. Very difficult move but you need to go. Make sure you have all the paperwork you need. You’re giving your kids a better future.

It sounds as though you definitely are. You can't continue in that kind of oppressive atmosphere - it'll be ruining your mental health - and the likelihood is that your little children will be growing up expecting that kind of situation to be normal.

Very best of luck to you. I used to work as a lawyer and represented many women making brave choices like this. It was always very difficult, particularly at first, but it was definitely the right thing to do

@Glitteringwebs if your daughter posed the same question what would you tell her?

Yes, you know in your heart its the right thing.

Thank you for all the assurances. It’s really helpful keeping my mind on the right track.

@Terminallysleepdeprived I would hate for my daughter to be in this position.

You are.

It will be scary and emotional but it is the only way life will ever get better.

When you feel wobbly, remind yourself it is a temporary adjustment period and reach out for support.

There are lots of people who've been through it and come out the other side.

You can do this.

Yes definitely follow through. I am in a similar position to you but haven't quite managed to follow through. It's particularly hard because no one else apart from a couple of friends think he's doing anything wrong but I understand how it eats away at you. Are your family supportive? One of my friends told me to think of it as short term pain for long term gain. Once you're out I expect you'll feel such relief it will power you through sticking to your guns.

You're absolutely doing the right thing, and soon you'll wonder how you ever lived like this. Stay strong and good luck.

@Glitteringwebs you are absolutely doing the right and best thing. Enjoy your future!

@glitteringwebs then I think that tells you everything you need to know.

Hell yes! Imagine if it were a friend or your daughter, you would encourage it.
Apply that advise to yourself and be proud of what you are doing. The best of luck to you

You are absolutely doing the right thing and teaching your children a lot at the same time. They absolutely need to know that it is not okay to either treat someone the way you’re been treated nor tolerate it if it happens.

Do you have all the essential things you need? Passports/financial statements etc?

I wish you well for your future.

@Chenilleblanket I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing. Yes, thankfully they are now supportive and realise what he’s doing. However, it has took a lot to get this point and they have in the past been convinced by him that I’m in the wrong or being dramatic which made me doubt myself too.

@Glitteringwebs yes that's exactly the reaction I get from my family. Hope all goes well for you x

@Chenilleblanket Thank you. I hope things get better for you too.

@4Mongrels I have everything ready to go and it feels surreal.

I think the surreal feelings are your brain's way of trying to cushion you a bit while you go through something tough.

You will be ok in the end.

Earlier I was listening to him put the kids to bed and I felt more guilt again. He will be heartbroken, I know he will.
I always think how wonderful our lives would be if the comments just stopped.
But I know for the kids benefit, I have to leave.

If he can't see what he's doing wrong and blames you then he won't change. Keep focussing on that, and the reality of the situation.

You feel guilty because you're a kind, decent person who wouldn't abuse someone. He has created this situation, not you, and he is the only one who should feel any guilt. He doesn't want the wonderful life you wanted, he wants to dominate you.

It's really, really normal to have those feelings. You just have to keep reminding yourself why you're doing this and how important it is for you and your children's futures. Head down, keep going.

I realise that may sound inadequate. I have been there feeling like the guilt would crush me. It is temporary, it is survivable, it is the right thing to do.

It's like escaping a burning building. You have to jump through flames to escape, which is scary and painful and needs healing time afterwards, but it is the only way to save yourself.

Just thing how easily you’ll sleep on Monday night knowing you’re safe and free.

Thank you all - The day has arrived, and I'm feeling sick and teary. Trying to take deep breaths and stay focused.

Good luck for today. Stay strong. Enjoy your first night of freedom.