To ask for assurance

[Glitteringwebs]

Please can some people assure me that I’m doing the right thing.

Tomorrow I’m leaving my partner of 12 years. I will be going to live with other family members. He doesn’t know.
I can no longer tolerate the emotional abuse from him. He blames me for everything, puts me down in front of the kids and just shows no respect. I’m forever walking on eggshells to avoid being put down.

We have 2 children, a daughter aged 7, and Son aged 3.
I know I am never going to be happy here and it must be damaging for the kids, but now I’m scared.
We’ve been dependent on him for everything, I feel like a silly child who is now imposing on other family members due to bad life choices. The kids won’t have as much as they do here... space, financial security. Also, despite everything he does, I’m feeling guilt. He also has done a lot for us and it makes me feel so conflicted.

Please can I have assurance that I am absolutely doing the right thing.

Wipe the tears away, you’ll be fine. It’s hard but have small goals during the day, drink lots and eat too. You’ll need your energy. You ARE doing the right thing.

Normal, temporary emotions. You will get through.

Keep breathing.

You can do this op... I left when exh was at work.
I had said I was going but he didn't believe me.
Your dc will be more than fine - they have you.
Day 1 of your new life op...

You are absolutely doing the right thing! It's right for you and your DC's to get out of that toxic environment, and I applaud your courage.

I really hope it goes ok. Here's to you !

Hope things are going well, @Glitteringwebs!

You are doing the right thing without a doubt.

Good luck.

Really appreciate the support everyone. I am out. I have a mixture of emotions - a relief that I don’t have to worry about criticism tonight but also a whole lot of sadness and fear about the unknown future.

Strangely after so long wishing he wasn’t around, I now feel a sudden loneliness and a sadness thug hung of the good times and why it couldn’t always be that way.

Was meant to say thinking of the good times

Have you thought about how you will share custody?

Good to hear. Well done.

Be gentle with yourself. There will probably be waves of tough emotions for a little while so be kind to yourself and ride them out - because they will pass given some time.

@Glitteringwebs

Strangely after so long wishing he wasn’t around, I now feel a sudden loneliness and a sadness thug hung of the good times and why it couldn’t always be that way.

That's normal. It's grief for the dreams and hopes you had of the future with him.

Humans grieve. It's normal. It passes.

So far so good, then.
Does he know anything yet?
How're the DC?

@Hankunamatata I will have to have that discussion with him, although I can’t imagine it’s going to be easy. I haven’t moved too far, I’m hoping for alternate weekends.

@EngelbertsRumpispink the kids are ok but I think daughter in particular is confused.
He doesn’t know anything yet. I am trying to work up the courage to send my message - I know a barrel of messages and phone calls will be coming.

youve done the right thing, stay strong, i was in the same place last year and we are all (even exh) so much happier. he misses the kids of course he does, but he should have treated them better. you wont regret your decision. xx

@memememe I’m glad things are better for all of you? How long was it before you started to feel positive?
I still can’t get the thoughts out of my head of ‘what if he keeps his promises and changes, and I’ve ruined a chance of a potentially perfect life’ but I am trying the best to ignore those thoughts as it’s what I’ve always thought and been continuously let down.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Have you had support from Women's Aid? Have you discussed with them what happens next in terms of the children?

Do you have any DV support in place?

Have you had advice on keeping safe and recovering?

You need to be clear and honest with the children in an age appropriate way, including about his behaviour not being acceptable. If you lie or minimise it or make excuses, it confuses them and normalises his abuse.

@user194729573 no, I haven’t contacted anyone.

I think although I’ve felt so low, I still doubted myself as to whether it was abuse.
Now, I feel I have little confidence to contact anyone. I will make an aim over the next few days to make a phone call.

The more support you have, the better outcome you will get.

If phone is too difficult, I am fairly sure Women's Aid have a webchat facility now. And you can email the Freedom Programme about finding a place on the course locally.

You don't have to do this all on your own.

I’m now receiving several messages telling me that it’s not fair on the kids and I’m being selfish and dramatic

Normal reaction from an abuser. Don't reply. Don't read them. Don't engage.

He's trying to get back control of you. He will say whatever he thinks will get to you.

Blocking or changing your number would be sensible. Even if you change your number for everyone else and leave the old number in a different handset or only put the SIM card in when you need contact (if you even do).

Please get some professional advice on how to manage this situation moving forward.

Predictable response. Refusing to accept that his behaviour is the cause and making you the one in the wrong. Gaslighting.

He is definatly gaslighting. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour.
Putting you down in front of your children is a big no no. If he keeps on sending those negative texts, please block him for a couple of days until you get things sorted the way you want too.