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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ignoring DHs strop about getting up with the children?

88 replies

Eileen101 · 24/01/2021 07:42

We have an almost 3 year old and 8 month old. I do almost every night time wake and early morning (between 5 and 6) and have done since the toddler was born. DH has never offered an early get up so I can sleep in and used to say no when I asked when toddler was a baby (this still hurts, toddler went through a stage as a baby where he didn't sleep longer than an hour at a time, then up for the day between 4.30 and 5.30. I was almost on my knees with sleep deprivation and pnd). He kept saying no when I asked, so I stopped asking.

He works shifts so I'm sure to make sure that he sleeps as well as he can. When he gets home from work at 3am, I make sure that he's not disturbed before 11/12 etc.

I asked Friday for him to do the 5.30 wake up over the weekend and he agreed to Sunday. So I reminded him last night and this morning, put toddler in with me when he woke then prodded him to take them both Downstate when baby woke.

There were mutterings about having been up with toddler between 12 and 1 (he is getting better in this regard, he will go to toddler at night if I'm feeding baby, or if he's still up watching a film and I'm already asleep). I ignored him and sent him down anyway - I was up with baby and toddler 10-11ish and baby between 4 and 5 resettling before she woke toddler

I do feel bad that he was up in the night and doing an early get up for a change. Should I have just taken them down and left him to sleep? He brought baby up to me in a mood about half an hour ago for a feed to sleep for nap and I know he's having a strop, especially his tone with toddler I can hear from downstairs. I'm ignoring the strop.
AIBU to have insisted on my first sleeping past 5.30, I think since before I went into labour with toddler??

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 24/01/2021 07:46

YANBU and you need to agree a rota with him so it’s a regular thing. The fact you’ve done this for so long is ridiculous frankly.

Satwatchinganotherswimlesson · 24/01/2021 07:47

I am typing this from my bed. Roll over and go back to sleep. You have every right to a lie in. Don’t waste it worrying. I’m about to take my own advice. You are NOT unreasonable.

LouHotel · 24/01/2021 07:48

You know your not unreasonable but as your posting this at 7.40am and have already been interrupted once you've hardly had the lie in.

This isnt ok OP that he's never let you sleep once even when pregnant with your second. We know how torturous sleep deprivation is and not once did he try to alleviate that for you.

This is a horrible man.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/01/2021 07:49

He has taken every single lie in for 3 years. And this morning you feel guilty? Bet he doesn't ever feel guilty!

Roll over. Earplugs if you have them. Sleep.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/01/2021 07:50

Oh and agree every Friday who gets each weekend lie in morning.

DNAwrangler · 24/01/2021 07:51

Not at all unreasonable. If he complains tell him that it’s a tiny tiny taste of what you’ve been doing for three years.

It’d be hard not to laugh in his face actually.

peonyrose87 · 24/01/2021 07:56

YANBU he absolutely is BU. Why should you be doing every single early morning? Parenting is a team sport, he needs to grow up and realise this.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 24/01/2021 07:57

Of course YANBU!

I can’t believe he watched you go through sleep deprivation alongside PND and did nothing to support you!!!!

Start being more selfish OP and tell him you’ll be having more lie-ins. He’s had it his way for too long from the sound of it.
When you’ve finished sleeping, go and run yourself a nice hot bubble bath for good measure.

PollyPorcupine · 24/01/2021 07:59

You need a rota. DH gets a lie-in on a Saturday morning, I get a lie-in on a Sunday morning, and we usually try to give each other 2 hours of other 'me time' each at some point over the weekend where one of us takes both kids so the other can do what they want. Obviously you'd have to fit this around the requirements of his shifts, but it's totally unfair that you never get a lie-in.

Samiad85 · 24/01/2021 08:01

Definitely not unreasonable. I have had to put up with the same from my husband. I’m incredibly resentful of him now. Dd is 3.5.
The person who’s meant to love me the most felt like it was unreasonable of me to ask for help when I was on my knees with sleep deprivation. I’ll never forget that.

I’m more assertive now and have set days for when he has to do bedtimes/bath times/nursery drop offs and pick ups/early mornings because it’s quite apparent that given the opportunity he just sees what he can get away with without so much as an offer of help.

Ignore him x

InsideNumberNine · 24/01/2021 08:02

Honestly can't believe you're asking this. Lie ins should be shared equally between you. As a PP said, I'm typing this from my bed while DH and DS are downstairs playing. We do the same every single weekend. It's absolutely not fair unless it's split. Please make this the start of your new weekend routine!!!

Weebitawks · 24/01/2021 08:02

Why are you with someone so selfish?

turtletum · 24/01/2021 08:02

Yanbu. I've got a 3yo and a 9m old. My DH is currently downstairs with them, while I get a lie in. He'll take them both out for a walk mid morning so I get some quiet time in the house. The baby is still bf just morning and evening feeds in the day, hence me being awake. He just bought the baby up, I fed her, then he's taken her away again. I get a lie in once a week. He gets the same once a week. Yesterday I got up with the children, went out to the local woods for a walk. DH slept in then cooked lunch, so it was ready when we got home. If I have rough night, DH will take over some wake ups. However, mostly I do baby wake ups, as she sometimes wants a overnight feed and my DH does the toddler wakes ups.

pictish · 24/01/2021 08:03

Well of course you are not being unreasonable. It’s high time your selfish husband got up and took his turn. I am dismayed for you that he sees fit to be stroppy about it.
If he has never got up with the kids before now he’s clearly an arsehole to begin with. I do hope he doesn’t punish you for this.

Atalune · 24/01/2021 08:03

Prick.

The lack of support when you had PND is particularly galling.

Start setting some boundaries now.

pictish · 24/01/2021 08:04

@Weebitawks

Why are you with someone so selfish?
Why are you blaming the OP?
buzzandwoodyallday · 24/01/2021 08:07

YADNBU and now you need to make this a weekly occurrence. He's taking the mickey out of you.and has been doing so since your 3yo was born by not doing his share on night feeds and early wakings. You need to make a change now and stick to it, even if he's a stroppy ba5tard.

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 24/01/2021 08:08

YANBU. This is what I can never forget or forgive DS father for and why we will never be a functioning couple . It broke me and yet he told anyone and everyone he was exhausted from looking after his son. I lost any respect I ever had for him. There was no getting it back once I realised the extent of his selfishness. How are you not mad with your DP?!

timeisnotaline · 24/01/2021 08:08

Umm. My dh has been completely shit about getting up at night with babies, but I have had nearly every weekend lie in since they were born. I’ve still told him very clearly that his refusal to help at nights has damaged our marriage and I will seriously be considering ending it with him if he doesnt do much better with next baby. Yours needs to both step up and shut up, I can’t believe you feel guilty. (Unless they’re actually not his children and you’ve never told him, that might be a good reason to feel guilty, just to help you compare!) you should be very very angry.

Wornout12108 · 24/01/2021 08:12

He is selfish and having a strop about it now and likely for the rest of the day is probably his way of ensuring you don't ask him again.
Get some ear plugs, get a rota for lie ins, he is the children's parent too, it does not all fall to you.
Explain to him if it's worth the hassle, if all
other areas of your relationship are good and move on with a joint schedule.
If not I'd have a serious chat about resenting him and tell him exactly what you have told us, maybe it's the end of the road if he cant partner on parenting including the nights.
I had a kid that didn't sleep through the night till he was four and a baby too, that kind of tiredness is debilitating and you should have a partner in action not
Just in name. These years are really hard but he sounds like he doesn't care how much you are suffering.
I'm sorry you deserve so much better.

timeisnotaline · 24/01/2021 08:14

@PollyPorcupine

You need a rota. DH gets a lie-in on a Saturday morning, I get a lie-in on a Sunday morning, and we usually try to give each other 2 hours of other 'me time' each at some point over the weekend where one of us takes both kids so the other can do what they want. Obviously you'd have to fit this around the requirements of his shifts, but it's totally unfair that you never get a lie-in.
Rotas help but with your dh you would need rules - you get Saturdays and if he brings the dc up to the bedroom, or lets them play loudly just outside the door comes in to ask you about something or let’s them play loud games or plays loud music or hoovers near your room then you get the Sunday one too to make up for his failure to give you a Saturday one.
SimplyRadishing · 24/01/2021 08:19

It's not what you are asking but double up on contraception and stop having children with him.
Although how/why you would want to have sex with is beyond me as he sounds fucking useless.

WhateverJudy · 24/01/2021 08:19

@timeisnotaline

Umm. My dh has been completely shit about getting up at night with babies, but I have had nearly every weekend lie in since they were born. I’ve still told him very clearly that his refusal to help at nights has damaged our marriage and I will seriously be considering ending it with him if he doesnt do much better with next baby. Yours needs to both step up and shut up, I can’t believe you feel guilty. (Unless they’re actually not his children and you’ve never told him, that might be a good reason to feel guilty, just to help you compare!) you should be very very angry.
Eh?! You’re planning on being yet another baby into the world knowing your partner is awful and that you may well be leaving him?

And OP, I can’t help wondering why on earth you had a second baby with your husband after he quite clearly demonstrated with the first baby that he was a crap husband and father who didn’t really care about you.

With the first baby it’s one thing but what exactly do you think the motivation is for these men to step up and be decent partners and fathers if the women stay with them and keep adding more babies to the mix!

Don’t mean to sound like I’m victim blaming because it might have come as a surprise the first time but after that point I can’t help thinking this is a situation you have chosen to remain in and exacerbate....

Shoxfordian · 24/01/2021 08:23

He sounds completely selfish
As for hoping he would change for the second baby, this seems extremely unlikely. @WhateverJudy has a point, he’s already demonstrated he’s selfish and doesn’t want to fully parent your children. What’s the betting you also do all the housework? Just not good enough

pictish · 24/01/2021 08:25

Judy I think it’s inappropriate to be focusing on another poster’s reply and essentially giving her an unasked for and oddly in-depth critique of her life choices, marriage and parenting based on one small paragraph. Did she ask you? No. Then why are you doing it?

Perhaps you can direct your self assurance at the OP who did ask?