To be ignoring DHs strop about getting up with the children?

[Eileen101]

We have an almost 3 year old and 8 month old. I do almost every night time wake and early morning (between 5 and 6) and have done since the toddler was born. DH has never offered an early get up so I can sleep in and used to say no when I asked when toddler was a baby (this still hurts, toddler went through a stage as a baby where he didn't sleep longer than an hour at a time, then up for the day between 4.30 and 5.30. I was almost on my knees with sleep deprivation and pnd). He kept saying no when I asked, so I stopped asking.

He works shifts so I'm sure to make sure that he sleeps as well as he can. When he gets home from work at 3am, I make sure that he's not disturbed before 11/12 etc.

I asked Friday for him to do the 5.30 wake up over the weekend and he agreed to Sunday. So I reminded him last night and this morning, put toddler in with me when he woke then prodded him to take them both Downstate when baby woke.

There were mutterings about having been up with toddler between 12 and 1 (he is getting better in this regard, he will go to toddler at night if I'm feeding baby, or if he's still up watching a film and I'm already asleep). I ignored him and sent him down anyway - I was up with baby and toddler 10-11ish and baby between 4 and 5 resettling before she woke toddler

I do feel bad that he was up in the night and doing an early get up for a change. Should I have just taken them down and left him to sleep? He brought baby up to me in a mood about half an hour ago for a feed to sleep for nap and I know he's having a strop, especially his tone with toddler I can hear from downstairs. I'm ignoring the strop.
AIBU to have insisted on my first sleeping past 5.30, I think since before I went into labour with toddler??

Is he a partner or are you the live in help? It doesn't sound like your mental and physical wellbeing is a priority to you

@pictish

Judy I think it’s inappropriate to be focusing on another poster’s reply and essentially giving her an unasked for and oddly in-depth critique of her life choices, marriage and parenting based on one small paragraph. Did she ask you? No. Then why are you doing it?

Perhaps you can direct your self assurance at the OP who did ask?

I wouldn’t say a two and a half line response to her post was an ‘oddly in-depth critique’ but ok And I did quite clearly respond to the OP. Your post is really weird.

Tbh if you need rotas and rules then you do have a problem. Any decent partner knows to step up. And your dp knows full well he’s being unfair.
Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things anyone can go through. Why would a partner care so little they would subject they’re dp to this?

My dh was brought up by a dm who thought there was wife work and men’s work. However he absolutely got up with our dc without ever being asked. Because he loves me and loves them.

The only thing YABU about is putting up with this for so long.

And I say this from lying in my bed after DH took our toddler downstairs at 6am. He moans about getting up but I couldn't give a fuck. He's a parent too.

Ur DH needs to realise he has a responsibility too. Stand your ground. Let him huff and moan and strop. He will get used to it

I am typing this from my bed, we have one lie in each at the weekend. It's been this way since our first was born 5.5 years ago.
You need to make him understand that it's not on that he doesn't pull his weight. What makes him more worthy of a lie in? And I'm sorry, but night wakes are part of being a parent. If he can't handle that then maybe he shouldn't have helped create children.
Taking his strop out on a toddler is immature beyond belief and he needs calling out on it. Lots of men do this as a way of ensuring you won't ask them to do whatever it is that's displeased or inconvenienced them again.
Men like this make me so angry.

Apologies Judy...I did actually misread your post so mine does seem weird. I thought more was addressed to the poster...not the OP.
Fucked up. Sorry.

You really are not being unreasonable! I’m lying in bed & my DH is up with my 2 year old and 6 month old. Thing is us mums also do find it hard to sleep when we get the chance don’t we, feeling guilty about this or worrying about that. Your husband needs to help out more, try not to get in an argument, it’s so easy to do when they are working hard hours and your up all hours with the kids. Enjoy your rest, although sounds like you need it.

@pictish

Apologies Judy...I did actually misread your post so mine does seem weird. I thought more was addressed to the poster...not the OP. Fucked up. Sorry.

No worries, thanks

God he sounds insufferable. I don't know how you can bare to be around him.

His selfishness and complete disregard to you is astonishing. I would just ignore the strops and continue to tell him it's his turn to get up. He might not like it but it's tough shit!

The grumbling is so annoying. Sometimes when my DP does this it makes me so angry I can’t sleep

Ah OP why on earth did you have a second child with him, when you knew what a bad husband and father he was with the first child?!

Anyway, too late for that, just make sure you don’t get pregnant again! In the meantime, tell him you’ve had enough of his selfishness and from now on he’s doing 50% of the night wakes and early mornings. If he refuses I’d think about leaving when you’re able to as what exactly is the point of having him around?!

You know yanbu, he's being a dick.

You know you aren’t being selfish, and he is.

I’m assuming here that you are a SAHM and that’s why he thinks he can just say ‘no’ and you’ve let him get away with it. You need to break this pattern now - he needs to do a night a week, you are entitled to one decent nights sleep.

He will resist but you need to be firm. As other PP have said, I’m betting he doesn’t nothing around the house either, nor spends much time with the toddler, if so, that needs to change too.

It sounds like your kids have been challenging sleepers. If it were me (and I know you aren’t asking for advice on this) given your youngest is now 8 months I would stop BF. I think a bottle would likely help her get through the night better, you PP could help out more, you’d be less tired and more able to be firm c getting him to help out.

Don't you dare consider that you were being unreasonable OP, stay strong! Parenting through the early years is a fog of sleep deprivation and demands and you need your rest to recharge. You certainly deserve someone to shoulder this with you more evenly and you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt for pushing for a better balance.

Assuming he works 5 days a week then you should do one morning each at the weekend, every weekend. Why would you not?? He sounds very selfish but you need to calmly address the imbalance and make it clear it needs to be fairer from now on.

If he can't handle that then maybe he shouldn't have helped create children.

We should probably do a better job of telling younger generations the reality of having children, sleep deprivation, etc. Then they’re far less likely to have them when they’re not suited to it like OPs husband.

I'm honestly not sure why you are with him to be honest. It sounds very much like you are a single parent anyway.

I'd be telling him to step up or I would be leaving.

YANBU but you were being completely unreasonable having a second child with a man who refused you even one lie in when you were sleep deprived and suffering with PND. Why would it be any different with this second child rather than the same or worse!!!

@Wornout12108

He is selfish and having a strop about it now and likely for the rest of the day is probably his way of ensuring you don't ask him again. Get some ear plugs, get a rota for lie ins, he is the children's parent too, it does not all fall to you. Explain to him if it's worth the hassle, if all other areas of your relationship are good and move on with a joint schedule. If not I'd have a serious chat about resenting him and tell him exactly what you have told us, maybe it's the end of the road if he cant partner on parenting including the nights. I had a kid that didn't sleep through the night till he was four and a baby too, that kind of tiredness is debilitating and you should have a partner in action not Just in name. These years are really hard but he sounds like he doesn't care how much you are suffering. I'm sorry you deserve so much better.

Next baby? Great idea.

Can we not bother with the 'why did you have a second child' comments, since the OP doesn't have a handy time machine and there's no point other than to make her feel bad? Her husband's already got that covered.

@BubblyBarbara

If he can't handle that then maybe he shouldn't have helped create children.

We should probably do a better job of telling younger generations the reality of having children, sleep deprivation, etc. Then they’re far less likely to have them when they’re not suited to it like OPs husband.

Yes, I don't disagree at all. I was warned lots about sleep deprivation though, still nothing prepared me for the reality - I was well into my 30s when I became a mother. I'm not sure anything really can fully prepare you for it.

what an utter dick.
I can't believe this arsehole has got you doubting yourself and worrying about his poor precious self because you dared to have a teeny tiny bit more sleep than usual. I mean, how very DARE you try to look after yourself?!
AND he's taking his strop out on his poor toddler?!
AND he refused to help when you had PND!!!!?!

If he has other redeeming qualities and you actually want to stay with him, you need to have a proper chat and set down some ground rules. Why not get him to ask other dads who he know about how they share responsibility? Unless he surrounds himself entirely with arseholes he will very quickly realise what a selfish git he is being.

Also, if you're a sahm and he's working, why not show him the hours that your 'job' involves compared to his? Show him how much you are saving in childcare costs...your 'job' is worth A LOT more than his.

There are not many mumsnet polls that come out at 100%. show him this thread!

Time to set some boundaries op.

When you do finally get up OP, you need to be really cheery and tell him this is how you'll do every weekend from now on.
Don't pay any mind to his strop and be sure to mention that you loved your first ever lie in since becoming a mum!
You feel guilty because you can hear him giving shortthrift to your toddler but don't give in. He is depending on your mum guilt

How did you not have it out with him the first couple of times he said no? I’d do some sums adding up approx how many hour you’ve spent looking after the dc and all the solid unbroken sleep hours he has had in comparison. Then I’d have a very clear and frank discussion asking him why he thinks it’s okay. I’d question why he thinks you need so much less sleep. Get him to really say out loud why he obviously thinks this is fair behaviour. Hopefully he’ll be embarrassed to say it’s because he thinks he’s more important. But I’d ask him if he thinks he is. Then say from now on x is going to happen and work out something which is totally fair on both of you. Make sure it is genuinely fair and don’t concede to any compromise where you do more and really stick to it. Otherwise he’ll do it for a bit then it’ll creep back.

H started to disappear upstairs and leave me as default parent all the time. Every time I was running round doing the kids and dinner and tidying I’d look round and he’d have fucked off again. He’d say things like ‘just going to put my pjs on’ but 30 mins later wouldn’t have come back. I’d call him and get a huffy ‘just coming’ then 10 mins later he’d still not be back. He’d go to the loo but not return for 30 mins about 6 times a day. I added up the time to be over 3 hours of leaving me in sole charge of the kids per day (not including the 2 hours he took for his run) when I got no time at all.

The next time he said ‘just nipping to put my pjs on’ I said yeah me too and followed him upstairs, he said a bit alarmed ‘what are you doing?’ I said same as you. Then i went into the spare room and laid on the bed with a magazine. 15 mins later he was still in our bedroom fiddling with his guitars and the children were rampaging loudly downstairs and he came into the room and said ‘what are you doing?!’ In an outraged tone. I said ‘exactly what you are, “putting my pjs on”. Sorry, isn’t that the agreed euphemism for pissing off upstairs and doing whatever the fuck I like while I have no idea what’s happening with the children?’ He said ‘well are you going downstairs to see if they’re okay’. I said is he? And that I’d go downstairs when he did. For a few days I carried on doing that till he stopped taking the piss.

Can you do something similar. Just behave exactly as he is. When they wake if he lays still you lay still. If he says are you getting up with the toddler? say are you? I know it’s harder if you bf, but what we did was h took the night wakings with the boys while I woke with baby dd. It still wasn’t exactly the same as I’d be up 4+ times and h would be up once or twice. But there’s no way I’d do all of them. Even when he was working the next day. Also I’d nap with the baby in the day while he had the boys at weekends.

Once you stop bfing, he won’t have any more legitimate excuses though, so I’d make that clear to him too.