To be ignoring DHs strop about getting up with the children?

[Eileen101]

We have an almost 3 year old and 8 month old. I do almost every night time wake and early morning (between 5 and 6) and have done since the toddler was born. DH has never offered an early get up so I can sleep in and used to say no when I asked when toddler was a baby (this still hurts, toddler went through a stage as a baby where he didn't sleep longer than an hour at a time, then up for the day between 4.30 and 5.30. I was almost on my knees with sleep deprivation and pnd). He kept saying no when I asked, so I stopped asking.

He works shifts so I'm sure to make sure that he sleeps as well as he can. When he gets home from work at 3am, I make sure that he's not disturbed before 11/12 etc.

I asked Friday for him to do the 5.30 wake up over the weekend and he agreed to Sunday. So I reminded him last night and this morning, put toddler in with me when he woke then prodded him to take them both Downstate when baby woke.

There were mutterings about having been up with toddler between 12 and 1 (he is getting better in this regard, he will go to toddler at night if I'm feeding baby, or if he's still up watching a film and I'm already asleep). I ignored him and sent him down anyway - I was up with baby and toddler 10-11ish and baby between 4 and 5 resettling before she woke toddler

I do feel bad that he was up in the night and doing an early get up for a change. Should I have just taken them down and left him to sleep? He brought baby up to me in a mood about half an hour ago for a feed to sleep for nap and I know he's having a strop, especially his tone with toddler I can hear from downstairs. I'm ignoring the strop.
AIBU to have insisted on my first sleeping past 5.30, I think since before I went into labour with toddler??

I wouldn't be ignoring his strop at all! Lie in now for as long as you can then go downstairs and read him the Riot Act!
Honestly, he's being really really unfair and unreasonable. Get angry, tell him things have GOT to change, starting from tonight, and that he needs to stop being such a selfish self centred git.
Find your anger! Then calm down and work out what you genuinely feel is 'fair' and then tell him. If he 'refuses again' then your marriage is in serious trouble and perhaps you need to think about either couples counselling or separating.

Why have you had a second child with someone who cant be arsed to be a parent. You say you still feel hurt about the last few years of him saying no to getting up with the toddler. You knew what he was like. He saw him be a shit parent and selfish husband for at least a year... and you decided to get pregnant again?

Why do women keep doing this?
He was the wrong choice. You saw that after your first child, but you've gone on to have more with a useless, selfish man child. He sounds like a total dick.

My ex used to do this but he also never got up in the night with dd...one of the many reasons he is now my ex.

In contrast dp is amazing. Works stupidly long hours, drives for 5 hours plus a day sometimes for work but will still come stay at a weekend (we don't live together) and do bedtime and early mornings with dd for me. Most times I don't even have to ask, he will just get up and tell me to stay in bed.

@Eileen101 you need to change the ground rules and make him do his fair share regardless of strops

You need to get a gro clock for the toddler. 5:30 is not an acceptable time to wake up for the day. At 3 (assuming no additional needs), he's old enough to understand that you don't get up if it's not daytime. Taking him down for play / snack / TV or whatever you do with him, is just allowing him to think that it's ok.

Don't engage and put him back to bed. When he does get up to start the day at an acceptable time (6:30 was ok for mine at this age as I wanted them in bed at 6:30 in the evening), give lots of praise for staying in bed until then.

15 mins later he was still in our bedroom fiddling with his guitars and the children were rampaging loudly downstairs and he came into the room and said ‘what are you doing?!’ In an outraged tone. I said ‘exactly what you are, “putting my pjs on”. Sorry, isn’t that the agreed euphemism for pissing off upstairs and doing whatever the fuck I like while I have no idea what’s happening with the children?’

This is brilliant.

These threads are just depressing. What example are you showing to your kids if you put up with this?

wow he wouldnt help you when you had pnd what a man

was he there aqt the conception? then he has to do his share aswell as a parent

He sounds like a complete dick.

@Eileen101 My ex was also unsupportive with our children until I divorced him. He had far fewer lie ins when the children stayed with him EOW and I had regular weekends to myself!

Tell him it will get easier and acceptance always makes things easier!

He should be sharing this with you on non-work days - that should be a given. I would insist on at least one weekend day a week.

He is a dick as you well know, but you were aware of what a selfish person he was and you had another baby?

It baffles me when I see these threads, why do you think he will change just because you ask. He has shown you who he is by his actions but you chose not to believe.

Can I ask what time counts as a lie in in your homes?

Another depressing thread.

I don't get how this refusal goes?

I don't understand how you can see your partner struggling and flat out refuse to help. Tells me that he's a very self centred person and I'm not sure this will easily change.

He sounds selfish and awful.

excuse me for swearing OP but WHAT the fuck is WRONG with men in this day and age? Thread after thread on here of men failing to take even the most basic responsibility for themselves and their families, leaving women on the floor with tiredness or with no money or with permanently damaged earning capacity. It’s a bloody joke. How did they grow up that they think this kind of behaviour is in any way acceptable? What bloody world do they live in? This smug selfish carelessness leaves so many women miserable in their wake. It infuriates me, it really does.

@MissOrganisedMe

We don't set a time on it, but neither of us takes the mick either. We're both usually up between 8:30 and 9am unless we have somewhere to go and need to be up and out earlier.

Totally unacceptable get this sorted ASAP. He is a pathetic excuse for a parent. I think we’re all questioning why you have martyred yourself for so long but not more as of today. Stand up for yourself and recognise that you are both parents.

Are you a Saint? Or do you have the patience of one by any chance ? Honestly .some of the fathers on here appear to think their babies have been delivered by a bloody Stork! He is tired? Diddums .The point with PPs asking OP why she had a second baby with this manchild ,misses the point .Maybe he had changed for a short while or made promises that he didnt keep .Either way not her fault FFS!

You are obviously not being unreasonable in this circumstances but you mention in your op that he wouldn't let you have a lie in when you had your toddler. You then went and had another baby with him, exactly what were you expecting to change? Why would you make a difficult situation worse?

I know this sounds harsh but I really don't understand why you have set your standards so low? He isn't a partner to you if he doesn't pull his weight with the kids, if you are doing it all on your own anyway, why have him around? I hope you get the strength to make some changes in your life because if you don't the resentment will keep building and it isn't fair to the kids who haven't chosen to be in this situation.

You deserve better op.

Is he a selfish twat about everything else too?
Do not feel guilty, he has took the piss for far too long. How bloody awful not helping you when you had pnd. What a horrible man.

Bloody hell, what a selfish arse. He's had every single lie in for three years and is stropping about getting up once? What a baby. And he's taking it out on your toddler? What a prince among men.

I'd sort out a fair rota with him for the future. You have a lot of lie ins to catch up on.

From day 1 with our first child Dh and I shared the responsibility. I bf Ds Dh would take him, wind him, change his nappy etc. When he went back to work I did it all in the day and Dh shared it when he was home from work. When Ds was bottle fed we did shifts in the night, I did the first shift until 2am I believe, Dh was on duty after that. We made sure we were in bed by 9pm.

At weekends Saturday was established as Dh's lie in until 10am and Sunday was mine, again until 10am. Although I worked part time initially I became a SAHM when Ds1 was a toddler. This didn't change the lie ins but Dh certainly rolled his sleeves up and mucked in if I started to drown. It is called parenting.

Leaving you on your knees with tiredness is so cruel. He is stopping in the hope that you will come down and rescue him. He is their Dad he needs to learn to parent them. If you were hospitalised today he would be doing it all by himself anyway, all of it. What an absolute shit of a man.

I won’t pretend that my DH is great in terms of sharing the load of parenting and he’s not been great about helping in the night but from when our 3 year old was born he used to get up with her on both Saturday and Sunday and then when she started sleeping through we’d take it in turns and we do that now we have DS too. I carefully don’t call it a lie in as it’s catch up sleep to get me through the week. During more difficult stages he’s done the 8pm-12am shift too. I don’t think there’s any excuse for him to just refuse.