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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to do you deal with the dog house when locked together?

58 replies

Peavedmcpeavedoff · 23/01/2021 11:25

I’m royally pissed off with DP - one of those things that he hasn’t deliberately gone out to hurt me and been bit of an idiot but I’m still mad. Going to be mad for a couple of days until I’ll got over and forgot about it. In this time I don’t want to look at his puppy dog eyes as I’m trying to live my day—to-day life.

I’ve realised that usually asking him to go stay at his parents/friends/make himself scarce isn’t an adult way to deal with it.

How do others deal with the ‘dog house’.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/01/2021 11:26

If he has apologised then do you really need a couple of days to sulk?

Nighthawker · 23/01/2021 11:28

Go out for a walk in the fresh air to clear your head and give yourself a shake. If you know you're going to forgive and forget anyway why make yourself miserable for a couple of days first? I'd be having words about the "puppy dog eyes" though, that would drive me daft.

CrotchBurn · 23/01/2021 11:28

I'm someone who gets annoyed really fucking easily.

But if it wasnt his fault is it fair to put him in "the dog house"?

Isadora2007 · 23/01/2021 11:29

You need to address your conflict style as it’s not healthy. If he didn’t mean to hurt you then really why are you punishing him? Where has this method come from and is it something you actually want to continue? Why can’t you address your anger and then be done? Why can’t you adapt your behaviour and talk like civil humans that you are? You need to sit down and pick this apart to change into a healthier dynamic as a couple.

BubblyBarbara · 23/01/2021 11:29

Going to be mad for a couple of days until I’ll got over and forgot about it

Is it any wonder people die of heart attacks or stress when they can hold on to such anger for DAYS at a time? You need to let it go especially as you said it wasn’t his fault

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 23/01/2021 11:29

What did he do?

I've never sent a partner away when they've pissed me off. (Just as well or some of them we might as well have lived apart!).

I guess you have 3 options

1: get over it QUICK
2: tell him to leave you the fuck alone
3: milk it - coffee/lunch/neck rub/hoovering

Original poster
Peavedmcpeavedoff · 23/01/2021 11:29

@Hankunamatata

I don’t want to make it a drip feed but he’s only apologised as he was caught and there was no way for him to squirm out of it. We’ve talked through it but I’m still pissed off. Not enough to dump him but enough that I don’t want to act lovingly towards him.

OP posts:
murbblurb · 23/01/2021 11:30

jeez, your poor 'partner'. Hopefully he can find somewhere better to live before too long. Sulkers belong in the playground.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 23/01/2021 11:30

Ummm, I tell DH that I'm still annoyed despite his apology and to give me space but I'd never expect a partner to leave the house unless it was a serious falling out.

By all means tell your DP that you need a bit of cooling down time and the more he mopes around the longer that will be but I think I'd seriously evaluate your reaction if an acknowledged accidental action warrants a couple of days to get over it.

Also, be aware that silent treatment/stonewalling is considered emotional abuse. Do you completely ignore any and all attempts at communication by DP or are you civil but annoyed?

SomewhereInbetween1 · 23/01/2021 11:30

....how often did you used to kick him out? Confused

Sparklfairy · 23/01/2021 11:30

It would make me miserable having a partner that sulked like you. Why does your "need" to have a couple of days to stew trump his right to live in a peaceful calm atmosphere?

Cairnterrorist · 23/01/2021 11:31

If you sent me to my parents I wouldn’t be coming back.

CrotchBurn · 23/01/2021 11:33

Oh and by the way if my partner told me to leave the house and sleep elsewhere I would laugh in his face

Sparklfairy · 23/01/2021 11:33

@Cairnterrorist

If you sent me to my parents I wouldn’t be coming back.
Good point. Who are you to be "sending" him anywhere? You're the one with the problem, you go if you can't manage your anger like a grown up Hmm
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 23/01/2021 11:34

So he accidentally did something, didn't tell you, you're annoyed cos you found out.

Tbh, if I knew I was going to get -kicked out- asked to leave cos I did something daft that would annoy DH I wouldn't be admitting to it off my own back either!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 23/01/2021 11:35

Strike through fail Confused

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 23/01/2021 11:35

Can't tell until we know what he did.

Thelnebriati · 23/01/2021 11:36

Being upset and angry is a reaction to something shitty. Sulking is a controlling behaviour because you didn't get your own way. They aren't the same.

Sugarandteaandmum · 23/01/2021 11:37

I don't really have a dog house. If I'm angry I tell him and we talk about it, sometimes have a row, then make friends. I don’t think it is good communication to just go away from each other.

So if he has done something he might say "look, that was a mistake, I'm sorry", then come up with ways he can ameliorate any fallout. eg "sorry, I forgot to do the supermarket's order and we have no food, I will make it right by going to the shops". Then I can feel he acknowledged why it had hurt or inconvenienced me and I wouldn't then need days to cool off (cough...sulk...cough)

If it's something more relationship based "sorry I texted my co-worker and said show us your boobs and now you've found the text" - that's a different ballgame!! I would expect him to be explaining to me what happened and why, hearing and seeing why I was upset, until I was satisfied with what had been done, could understand it and was happy it wouldn't happen again. And then I might say I am still hurt, please can i have some space and go hang out in my room for a bit. It wouldn't take days though, we might need another discussion later.

I can't see any situation where him hanging round with "puppy dog eyes" would happen- that would make me more angry with him because it suggests he doesn't know how to take ownership of the thing or how to make it right. And you're not expressing your feelings either, in any constructive way, so tbh you sound neither of you very skilled in resolving problems.

What kind of a thing is it?

CrotchBurn · 23/01/2021 11:38

To be honest this is one of those situations where it really depends on what happened though.

He shrank your wool dress - YABU
He has got you into debt - YANBU
He threw away an important letter by mistake- YABU
He ate an entire cake he knew you spent a long time making for a depressed friend- YANBU

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 23/01/2021 11:39

That is a drip feed and a half though. Your original post made it sound like an accident; like he'd forgotten to out the bins out or something.

I also can't be around my partner when I'm mad at them. I very rarely get angry, but when I do I stay angry for hours or a couple of days. I don't understand people who get mad, talk about it, and are then back to normal. It takes my body a lot longer to process anger than that. Everybody is different though.

4amWitchingHour · 23/01/2021 11:39

Jeez, I'd never send my husband to stay anywhere else unless I was considering the future of the relationship, basically a trial separation. Even then it's more likely that I would leave rather than 'sending him away'. You're an adult. Get over it. If you don't feel like being loving for a few days, then don't be, you don't need to be in separate buildings.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 23/01/2021 11:41

It depends if it was a major thing or a minor thing. Sounds like your relationship is a bit stormy if you often kick him out. When my dh annoys me (all the time) I tend to go out for a walk and pull myself together.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2021 11:41

I’ve realised that usually asking him to go stay at his parents/friends/make himself scarce isn’t an adult way to deal with it.

All you need to realise now is that sulking for days isn't particularly adult either.

Rewis · 23/01/2021 11:45

I'm the type of person that needs a few days. Apology and a conversation doesn't just magically make all my feelings go away.

I don't agree with sending partner away (unless something so bad has happened that physical distance is absolutely necessary). I let my partner know that I might be a bit off and I'm processing but there is nothing to worry about. There is no dog house, just maybe a bit of an atmos but we both know why it is. I might be on my own a bit more, go on a walk by myself, do some chores etc.