How to do you deal with the dog house when locked together?

[Peavedmcpeavedoff]

I’m royally pissed off with DP - one of those things that he hasn’t deliberately gone out to hurt me and been bit of an idiot but I’m still mad. Going to be mad for a couple of days until I’ll got over and forgot about it. In this time I don’t want to look at his puppy dog eyes as I’m trying to live my day—to-day life.

I’ve realised that usually asking him to go stay at his parents/friends/make himself scarce isn’t an adult way to deal with it.

How do others deal with the ‘dog house’.

I think the question you need to ask isn't how you deal with it when you're stuck together, but how you normally deal with it.

You ask him to go and stay somewhere else for a few days? Really? That's so immature.

If me and DP argue, usually we'll sort things out straight away, but if not, he'll go on the computer for a couple of hours and then when he comes down we'll hug. Honestly, that's how it goes. I would never walk out, or ask him to go out, or sleep apart .. or whatever else I see people doing on here.

If it's an issue that's so big you can't deal with it quickly, then I don't think you should even be together.

There should be nothing that requires you to sulk for several days, and be completely intolerable of his mere presence.

That's the way teenagers deal with fallouts. Not adults.

There should be nothing that requires you to sulk for several days, and be completely intolerable of his mere presence.

I agree.

This is known as a 'silent punishment' on the relationship boards and emotional abuse.

I would never put up with my husband sulking for a couple of days or daring to tell me to leave the house.

This is extremely unhealthy.

You need to discuss and move on or not. You can be dealing with it internally whilst still being civil.

If my DH tried sending me to a family member whilst he cooled off he’d find himself minus a wife permanently.

Asking him to stay elsewhere isn’t adult, no, but neither is your current reaction. I couldn’t tolerate being in a relationship with someone who handles conflict in such an unhealthy way.

Even if there’s a massive drip feed coming, it’s still not the right way to deal with it.

I think people talking about the op’s ‘sulking’ being emotional abuse need to wind their necks in a bit, pending more info. If the husband didn’t put the bins out, then op’s being a dick. If he cheated, murdered a puppy, or similar, then the op is stuck in lockdown with her husband, her sorrow, her anger and her frustration and it would be reasonable for him to F off for a bit.

@MrsWooster

I think people talking about the op’s ‘sulking’ being emotional abuse need to wind their necks in a bit, pending more info. If the husband didn’t put the bins out, then op’s being a dick. If he cheated, murdered a puppy, or similar, then the op is stuck in lockdown with her husband, her sorrow, her anger and her frustration and it would be reasonable for him to F off for a bit.

She said herself in non-covid times she’d send him away.

If a man wrote that everyone would be in uproar.

Unless he's done something truly awful, "the dog house" is not a healthy technique and if you're giving him the silent treatment it is manipulative.

Him hiding something is not good. You giving him the dog house treatment is not good.

It all sounds a bit unhealthy to be honest OP. How is your communication generally? Is this a new thing or is it a persistent problem?

Exactly @Merryoldgoat

Plus if the OP's partner had committed murder, one might reasonably expect that to be included in the opening post 🙄🙄

Sorry I realised this has become a drip feed and I guess I have to explain the situation that it’s not just a case of forgetting to put the bins out.

Cut along story short: he used my bank card, I’ve released money has gone out of my bank, I’ve asked him nicely if it was him and a chance for him to fess up (I would have been mad for around half an hour), he’s denied it, I’ve gone to call the online company, he’s then said that it’s linked to his online account but he’s not ordered anything himself so ‘he’ll sort it’. He ‘Sorts it’ but still doesn’t make sense, why has it taken from my account, why would something be randomly ordered, why is my card there, surely he would have realised when things got delivered (that he wanted) etc. I go to call the company as it doesn’t make sense and he goes off in a huff before I’ve had a go at him as it’s obvious that I don’t trust him and he’s the innocent party. As he’s out I call the company and while they can’t discuss his account they can discuss their payment process. I got them to send me an email that things have to be manually ordered and there’s quite a process therefore cannot just be ‘pocket ordered’ or no such thing as auto-order.

I’m more mad that he didn’t just confess at the start or that he made out that I was the one in the wrong for not trusting him.

He didn’t pick up for two hours and when he did he still continued the whole ‘I can’t believe you don’t believe me...’ then when I showed him the email he admitted that he did order things but it was an accident that he used my card as he didn’t know it was contacted to his account (seems strange but I’ll let that one pass as I can’t prove if it was or not). As he said it would be pretty stupid to use my card knowing it would show on my bank statement.

He cried last night as he’s embarrassed that I’ve been paying for everything and that he can’t afford his own things (made redundant in summer). I do believe that he lied because he was embarrassed that he’s not able to pay his way but he was only sorry once I was able to prove ‘my side/theory’. He’s obviously feeling shitty, I’m feeling shitty that I’m working all hours under the sun to cover both of our costs and he’s spending unnecessary money but more so because I’m in the wrong for not believing him and he was bullshitting the whole time.

I bloody hate lying and I hate to be played like a fool.

Sulking is childish and is the domain of four year old children. My ex was an emotionally abusive sulker. I can't cope with it and operate a zero tolerance policy for adults that act like spoilt babies.

So he's basically stealing from you then gaslighting you about it? Puppy dog eyes are the least of your worries.

So he ordered some items for himself with your money and then lied about it and cried when caught out? Yeah I'd be pissed off too.

What is he doing to try and find work? That seems to be the real issue here

Your card could only be connected to his account if he connected it to use it at some point. It feels like he is still lying to you.

If my DH spent family money on utter shite, lied about it, was confronted and still tried to lie his way out of it the trust would be gone completely for me.

And crying makes it worse, not better. I'd tell him to fuck off - it's fraudulent to use someone's bank card without telling/asking them and even in a relationship is financial abuse and gaslighting to deny it.

I'd sit him down and warn him he has one chance to explain. Ask him to explain from start to finish what he did, and ask him to explain the impact he thinks this has had on you. If he starts crying, lying or turning it round I'd get rid - for a while at least.

No, he'd be out. Not for being out of work or not contributing, but for stealing your money to spend on inessentials, lying about it, then playing the victim.

Seriously.

You should have just told us that at the beginning.

YANBU

So why don’t you want to dump him? Taking a significant (I’m assuming) amount of money without telling you I’d stealing. I’d not want that in my life.

How often have you asked him to leave and for what reasons?

Why hasn’t he got access to some money? If I were made redundant we’d restructure our finances so I still had an amount of money for myself.

This relationship sounds like it’s got multiple issues.

If you're not married then it's not "family money" and unless you have an agreement that money is joint then he had no right to use your card details.

What he spent it on (and we don't know if it was "shite" or not) isn't really the problem.

Since you are in a co-habiting relationship and he is currently out of work, in what ways are you supporting him? Does he have his own money? If he doesn't have his own money right now then I assume you are in some way.

I would assume that in a co-habiting relationship if one party lost their job then the other would support them until they found a new one.

But like I've said, nothing about this sounds healthy OP.

I'd not forgive as easily as you have. In fact I don't think I could continue the relationship. It's not the stealing, but the fact that you cannot trust him. He's proved that he is quite comfortable lying to you, trying to deceive you and trying to emotionally manipulate you. For me, the trust would be gone and I'd always wonder what else he so casually and comfortably lies about.

Sounds like he rebelled against the hen and needs a break!

He's stolen from you. Then acted appallingly when found out and tried to turn it around on you.
I wouldn't stay with someone who did this.

I’ve realised that usually asking him to go stay at his parents/friends/make himself scarce isn’t an adult way to deal with it.

Usually? Like this is a regular thing?
You’re right it’s not the ‘adult’ thing - but if you’re regularly having arguments where you then can’t bear to be near each other then it’s probably not meant to be.

I once ordered something and used the card linked to my account. And i only copped a whole later when I didn't see it on my bill or was chasing it up that it was my dads card that was linked from
The last time when I had ordered something for him. He hasn't noticed on his card- so stranger things have happened. But I'd get the full story without the crying and emotion.