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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this living arrangement isn't feasible?

74 replies

SunnyChange · 22/01/2021 23:29

We're buying a new house over 70 miles away and are thought to be completing in 4 weeks. DH hasn't managed to land another job in the area yet and is in the education field. At the moment I'm working from home but DH has suggested we all live in our current home until the summer/he gets another job and stay there at the weekend but realistically it'd be one night a week perhaps.

The other suggestions from him were for me to live in the new house and DC (aged 3) to stay with him all week and keep current childcare arrangement for week days whilst he works and them visit at the weekend or DC stay with me and he visit at the weekend. I definitely don't think DC could handle not knowing I was there (we've had a few deaths in the family in a short space of time and I don't think DC understands it as every night DC wakes and cries for me to check in still there). I've suggested he just have to travel and be up v early and get in around 8pm but he has said he won't see DC anyway if that's the case.

We wanted to try and keep DC in the current childcare arrangement as weren't expecting this to move so soon but it seems the best scenario is for us all to move and it just be temporarily difficult on DH until he finds something.

AIBU to think it's absurd to buy a large home and not live in it for months to come or most of the week? What would you do?

OP posts:
Murmurur · 22/01/2021 23:36

Tell us more about your respective jobs. You say DH is in education but does that mean he has to be in school every day or can he WFH some days, especially while we are in lockdown?

I am a bit confused. DC will need to be in childcare, and while you have that sorted for him in old location but not new location then it doesn't seem to make much sense to move.

Original poster
SunnyChange · 23/01/2021 00:09

We can easily get DC in new childcare in the new area, especially in 4 weeks. DH works in a school, one where they are still requesting staff go in even at the moment. My job is wfh for the foreseeable.

I just don't get why we'd leave a new home empty for the majority of the time. I see it as if my work asked me to go in every day I'd just leave early each morning and it would have to be difficult for a while.

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 23/01/2021 00:37

It’s 70 miles, but how long is the journey? An hour on the motorway, or 3 trains which take 2 hours? I’d say he needs to just suck it up for the meantime. Schools have a reasonable staff turnover in my experience.

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/01/2021 00:37

Why are you moving so far away? Closer to family? Seems a shame he has to do a long compute each day.

Better for you to move with the child and rearrange childcare closer to your new home.

Let him visit weekends instead.

Why haven’t you sold the other house?

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2021 00:38

A lot of people often can't move into a new home because they are waiting to sell their old one.

It makes sense to stay put than have the extra hassle to make it work.

sillysmiles · 23/01/2021 00:45

You still have your old house near his job?
You can work from home. You have childcare near old house.

Moving doesn't make sense. Expecting him to not see DC is unfair and unreasonable. You wouldn't be prepared to not see you DC.
There doesn't seem, from your Op, to be a cost implication to having your old house. Why not stay in old house, rent out new house until school summer holidays and then move.

corythatwas · 23/01/2021 00:45

I just don't get why we'd leave a new home empty for the majority of the time.

To give dc time with both parents. Seems a pretty obvious reason to me. Particularly if dc is feeling unsettled at the moment.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/01/2021 00:59

You and the kids move to the new home and your DH lives in old home close to work until he finds a new job. Kids get settled in new child care now.

That’s what I would do anyway...

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2021 01:05

What's happening with selling the old house?

Murmurur · 23/01/2021 01:15

I just don't get why we'd leave a new home empty for the majority of the time.

Calculate daily petrol costs for a start, plus what 3 hours of his time per day (?), plus he's right he'd never get to see the toddler except on weekends. You could equally well say "I just don't get" why you'd move now and just inconvenience yourselves massively.

Anyway I do think there's scope for a compromise. Maybe you could do Mon-Wed together in the old house and Thu-Sun in the new one, with DH commuting or WFH Thu-Fri.

Stability for your toddler is important but surely him seeing both his parents in the week (and you seeing each other) is more important than some of you getting to live in a bigger house a few weeks earlier.

Murmurur · 23/01/2021 01:18

Sorry I shouldn't have assumed DC is/are male and a toddler, not sure where I got that from.

ineedaholidaynow · 23/01/2021 01:29

What’s happening with your current house?

ScotsinOz · 23/01/2021 01:41

Congratulations on your new home.

I have never moved into a house immediately after purchase (and find people posting about moving out of one house and into to another on the same day very strange - especially as it seems everyone in the chain is doing that). We always complete renovations before moving in as I do not like living in a building site.

If your husband does not have a job local to the new home, and commuting from current job to new home would result in him not seeing your child at all during the week, I would stay in your current home until the summer holidays. This also gives you plenty of time to renovate (extend, paint, refloor, put in new kitchen etc) before you move in. Then you can move in leisurely and set the house up room by room, instead of living with boxes for weeks.

Dopo · 23/01/2021 01:49

I don't get it.
Where are you living now that you can afford two houses?
I think the best idea since you're wfh and child has stable childcare is to stay where you are (unless you're throwing money into rebt or living so where like hell) and your husband keeps looking for work.

Would I want to do a 70 mile commute every day? Nope.
Sounds like it'll be him dropping child off as well, while you're wfh in your big house.
Sounds awful.

GlowingOrb · 23/01/2021 04:08

If you have both homes and have child care in the current location, I would stay near his job until summer. It’s not worth a long commute or splitting up the family if you are going to have both homes anyway.

If it’s costing you money to keep the original home, then yes, consider other options, including him simply not working for a bit. You’ll have to work all the possible number combinations.

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 23/01/2021 04:14

@ScotsinOz most people can’t afford to do that. No idea why you think that’s strange...

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 04:33

[quote Etotheipiplus1equals0]@ScotsinOz most people can’t afford to do that. No idea why you think that’s strange...[/quote]
Exactly !

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 04:40

It sounds as life has been difficult for your 3 yo. I would stay as you are right now. They need to be with mummy and daddy by the sound of it.

On the face of it, yes it’s mad to buy a house and not move into it for months. But in the same token, I imagine it’s hard to move areas with a teaching job unless you’re moving into rental or a house you already own. What is the purpose of moving?

And has your dh been applying for work? I’m not totally au fait with when teaching posts are advertised but isn’t it a little early to for advertising for next autumn?

Is he definitely 100% on board with this move? And are you?

WanderingMilly · 23/01/2021 05:04

I would move into the new house myself. I can't see why you would want to leave it empty....and I wouldn't risk squatters in an empty house either. If you're moving anyway, it makes sense to get in there, start sorting things out, get childcare arrangements sorted out....I would be taking any children with me.

Your partner needs to grow up a bit. He can commute for the time being or stay in the old place or whatever, it won't hurt him. Lots of people commute, in the short term he will be fine....

daisychain01 · 23/01/2021 05:04

[quote Etotheipiplus1equals0]@ScotsinOz most people can’t afford to do that. No idea why you think that’s strange...[/quote]
Ah but it's the MN parallel universe, don't you know.

Where people can afford to finance multiple houses, and not to have to sell the current house to release the equity for the new one. Such a strange concept not having £200K+ right there and ready as disposable cash. It goes with the £100k job for only 25 hrs a week and wrap around child care as part of the package!

Ugzbugz · 23/01/2021 05:10

What's happening to the current house?.why not stay there? And both go home at weekend?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 05:47

Daisychain
Lol.

AlternativePerspective · 23/01/2021 06:08

I can just see how this one would go the other way around:

“We’re supposed to be moving in 4 weeks, but I haven’t yet been able to find another job (I am a teacher.) DH is WFH at the moment. I have suggested that we stay in this house until the summer which will give me a chance to find another job, but DH says that he is going to move into the new house and that I should do a 3 hour round commute every day even though that means I won’t see the DC.”

Responses would range from “he is being a selfish text and only thinking of himselve, clearly it’s ok for you to be inconvenienced/you should all stay in the old house,” to “Why not let him move to the new house, and you stay in the old one permanently so you’re rid of him.”

There is IMO only 1 answer here, and that is, you’re not yet in a position to move, so you don’t move.

AlternativePerspective · 23/01/2021 06:09

*selfish twat not text....

RantyAnty · 23/01/2021 06:33

It doesn't seem like your house purchase was all that well thought out.

Stay where you are. Rent the new house out and move in once your DH finds a new job there.

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