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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this living arrangement isn't feasible?

74 replies

SunnyChange · 22/01/2021 23:29

We're buying a new house over 70 miles away and are thought to be completing in 4 weeks. DH hasn't managed to land another job in the area yet and is in the education field. At the moment I'm working from home but DH has suggested we all live in our current home until the summer/he gets another job and stay there at the weekend but realistically it'd be one night a week perhaps.

The other suggestions from him were for me to live in the new house and DC (aged 3) to stay with him all week and keep current childcare arrangement for week days whilst he works and them visit at the weekend or DC stay with me and he visit at the weekend. I definitely don't think DC could handle not knowing I was there (we've had a few deaths in the family in a short space of time and I don't think DC understands it as every night DC wakes and cries for me to check in still there). I've suggested he just have to travel and be up v early and get in around 8pm but he has said he won't see DC anyway if that's the case.

We wanted to try and keep DC in the current childcare arrangement as weren't expecting this to move so soon but it seems the best scenario is for us all to move and it just be temporarily difficult on DH until he finds something.

AIBU to think it's absurd to buy a large home and not live in it for months to come or most of the week? What would you do?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 23/01/2021 06:43

Surely you bought this house for a reason. If you're happy to live in the old house with your current living arrangements why would you bother buying a house 70 miles away?

relaxtakeiteasyeatcheese · 23/01/2021 06:49

@SunnyChange

We're buying a new house over 70 miles away and are thought to be completing in 4 weeks. DH hasn't managed to land another job in the area yet and is in the education field. At the moment I'm working from home but DH has suggested we all live in our current home until the summer/he gets another job and stay there at the weekend but realistically it'd be one night a week perhaps.

The other suggestions from him were for me to live in the new house and DC (aged 3) to stay with him all week and keep current childcare arrangement for week days whilst he works and them visit at the weekend or DC stay with me and he visit at the weekend. I definitely don't think DC could handle not knowing I was there (we've had a few deaths in the family in a short space of time and I don't think DC understands it as every night DC wakes and cries for me to check in still there). I've suggested he just have to travel and be up v early and get in around 8pm but he has said he won't see DC anyway if that's the case.

We wanted to try and keep DC in the current childcare arrangement as weren't expecting this to move so soon but it seems the best scenario is for us all to move and it just be temporarily difficult on DH until he finds something.

AIBU to think it's absurd to buy a large home and not live in it for months to come or most of the week? What would you do?

Are you and dh planning on splitting up? It's just what immediately came to mind after reading this. 70 miles isn't that far if you have your own car.
user1493413286 · 23/01/2021 06:50

If your DH won’t get in until 8pm each night and I assume have to leave early in the morning then I’d just say to him to live in the old house during the week and come up at weekends; that’s if you can afford it of course to have the two houses.

Porridgeoat · 23/01/2021 06:50

How long is the actual commute? If it’s under an an hour and 15 he should just commute.

Alternatively Everyone moves. DH drives to work Monday morning and stays in a rented room, returning Friday. He can face time child weekdays.

Porridgeoat · 23/01/2021 06:51

70 miles isn’t far

Porridgeoat · 23/01/2021 06:52

If you can rent your new house out that’s a good option too

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 07:11

@Porridgeoat

If you can rent your new house out that’s a good option too
Please think carefully before taking advice about renting. Renting a house out atm is not for someone to do on a whim. There are tax implications on income no longer offset by mortgage interest payments due to law changes. Plus stamp duty issues. The house wouldn’t be seen as your principal primary residence if you allow tenants to move in. Moreover, tenants are struggling to pay due to the pandemic. Others are taking advantage. If you have a new tenant, they can move in today and live rent free easily for 9 months before you can get them evicted as the law currently stands... and this is if you serve the notices correctly the first time, which to ensure this would be advisable to involve using a solicitor. All this whilst having to cover the mortgage, repairs, including damage the tenant makes if the house becomes unsafe. Eg purposely flooding the house and causing damaging, which could also include damage to the electrics. And because it will presumably be a new mortgage, I presume you won’t be eligible to take a payment holiday for x amount of time... and your mortgage company has to agree to the a residential mortgage being used as a btl....
KarmaNoMore · 23/01/2021 07:13

I also thought this was him leaving you by stealth. You move out, he stays at home, DC stays in familiar nursery, bingo! He becomes the resident parent as courts wouldn’t like to move children 70 miles away if they are happy, settled and cared by a parent in the current location.

I agree as well that if this post was by a man the OP would have got a stricter bashing, moving now makes no sense whatsoever.

fedupathome · 23/01/2021 07:37

Why are you moving?
Can you afford to run 2 houses?

A 70 mile commute is a lot on a daily basis if it means driving.
YABU

tara66 · 23/01/2021 07:41

Don't forget the new tax regulation about selling one property within 9 months when buying a second one or you have to pay capital gains tax - if this applies here..

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 07:42

Karma
Yes this occurred to me until op mentioned the other option of taking their dc. Very confusing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 07:47

@tara66

Don't forget the new tax regulation about selling one property within 9 months when buying a second one or you have to pay capital gains tax - if this applies here..
But if it was a PPR this can’t apply, surely? Idk about this reg - can you post a link please? I know about the new rules of paying capital gains within 30 days on investment / rental properties.
KarmaNoMore · 23/01/2021 07:51

@Mummyoflittledragon, yes but nothing ensures he wouldn’t say DC are to stay with him once she is settled 70 miles away.

Twospaniels · 23/01/2021 08:15

You and child move to new house, get new childcare in new location.

Husband either moves too and commutes, or stays in the old house weekdays and comes to new house at the weekend, until he finds a new job in the new place

Dopeyduck · 23/01/2021 08:19

I think if you complete then you need to move. You’ll just need to decide if DH is going to commute or be between jobs for a while.

If you’re not ready to complete and move then either delay completion or pull out.

You’ve made the decision to move so I personally think you need to get on and do it. Living apart / maintaining your old lives / house / childcare when you’ve moved is odd.

LynetteScavo · 23/01/2021 08:41

I would stay in old house during the week but go and camp in new house one night a week at the weekend while I decorated it.

I think it's unreasonable of you to expect your DH to commute so far when he doesn't need to. I'd say if he had found a new job by September then he'll have to start commuting. Surely you'll want some money out of your old house at some point?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2021 08:49

[quote KarmaNoMore]@Mummyoflittledragon, yes but nothing ensures he wouldn’t say DC are to stay with him once she is settled 70 miles away.[/quote]
Oh yes, I totally agree with you, hence my confused comment. This is why I’d take the dc with me were I to go. I presume it’s a joint purchase. Op could also get written consent to move etc.... but I think (as I said upthread) op should stay put right now.

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/01/2021 08:49

If you can afford it, I'd compromise. Agree to keep the current house as main home for the rest of this term. Use the time to get the new house decorated, garden prepared, broadband installed, niggles sorted. Any DIY done that is awkward with the kids. Easter etc at the new house. Then the summer term spent with DH commuting.

Humberbear · 23/01/2021 08:50

Can you afford to run 2 houses in terms of heating, water etc. Also if you were split, you would have to fully furnish the other house if the children would be living in both.

DinosaurDiana · 23/01/2021 08:53

You move with the child and DH visits at the weekend.

Popfan · 23/01/2021 08:53

If your DH is a teacher doesn't he need to give half a terms notice? So even if he gave notice now he still wouldnt be able to leave his job until the summer term anyway?

IndiaMay · 23/01/2021 08:57

@ScotsinOz wtf where do you live when you're inbetween houses?! Do you rent a second home in between? Move in with family and put all your stuff in storage? How strange!

SimplyRadishing · 23/01/2021 08:59

You move into the house with your child and your DH either:
A. comes along as sucks up the commute
B. stays local to job and gets a mon-fri lodger type agreement

Lodging is v cost effective and he will have good choice. It's also going to be way cheaper than keeping your current rental.

Check out spareroom.com I used this when I had a lodger

Ticklemynickel · 23/01/2021 09:00

I'll admit that I'm slightly confused but what was the plan for your old house? Were you going to sell or rent it out? Does your DH actually want to move?

SimplyRadishing · 23/01/2021 09:05

[quote IndiaMay]@ScotsinOz wtf where do you live when you're inbetween houses?! Do you rent a second home in between? Move in with family and put all your stuff in storage? How strange![/quote]
Also if he stays in your current property what on earth will you do for furniture? Do you have enough to furnish both properties?

His idea is not practical

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