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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this living arrangement isn't feasible?

74 replies

SunnyChange · 22/01/2021 23:29

We're buying a new house over 70 miles away and are thought to be completing in 4 weeks. DH hasn't managed to land another job in the area yet and is in the education field. At the moment I'm working from home but DH has suggested we all live in our current home until the summer/he gets another job and stay there at the weekend but realistically it'd be one night a week perhaps.

The other suggestions from him were for me to live in the new house and DC (aged 3) to stay with him all week and keep current childcare arrangement for week days whilst he works and them visit at the weekend or DC stay with me and he visit at the weekend. I definitely don't think DC could handle not knowing I was there (we've had a few deaths in the family in a short space of time and I don't think DC understands it as every night DC wakes and cries for me to check in still there). I've suggested he just have to travel and be up v early and get in around 8pm but he has said he won't see DC anyway if that's the case.

We wanted to try and keep DC in the current childcare arrangement as weren't expecting this to move so soon but it seems the best scenario is for us all to move and it just be temporarily difficult on DH until he finds something.

AIBU to think it's absurd to buy a large home and not live in it for months to come or most of the week? What would you do?

OP posts:

SimplyRadishing · 23/01/2021 09:10

Argh sorry that was the quote i initially came back to ccomment on
I think ScotsinOz is getting an unfairly hard time and it isn't thatttt odd. I do similar (i have stayed with relatives and vice versa)
It's crazy stressful to do it all same day some people can't afford overlap, some can and think its worth it/not worth it.
Basically, You pay your money and you make your choices.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2021 09:20

" I've suggested he just have to travel and be up v early and get in around 8pm but he has said he won't see DC anyway if that's the case."

But his solution is that you don't see DC at all as they'd be living with him? How sure are you that he'd actually travel up at the weekend, and not ring you on a Friday telling you it had been a hard week and he's too tired?

Something stinks.

Why are you moving, exactly? What prompted it?

CakeRequired · 23/01/2021 09:26

[quote Etotheipiplus1equals0]@ScotsinOz most people can’t afford to do that. No idea why you think that’s strange...[/quote]
They think it's strange because they just don't have the capacity to think beyond their own situation. They can't understand or consider other people's situations. It's a common problem amongst many adults.

I think you should just move in to the new house and accept the negatives for the short time they are here. Those negatives will go away eventually, and constantly moving between houses each week is just a bit stupid.

foxhat · 23/01/2021 09:34

I too think the best thing is to stay where you are and travel up at the weekends, once lockdown allows it. Asking your DH to do 140 mile round trip every day is far too big of an ask.

Original poster

SunnyChange · 23/01/2021 10:32

Wow, so many responses, thank you!

Well, the house purchase sort of looked like it was going to fall through at Christmas so I think DH had stopped looking for jobs properly for about 4/5 weeks from the sounds of it. The plan was always DH find a job and move with us. He's said there's "no jobs" not even non-reacting ones temporarily in the new area but I know that won't be true, it's not isolated or rural. This is a joint purchase, he's happily signed everything, the current place is mine. I'm going to sell this place as soon as it's empty to allow someone to come in and do some bits to get it up to standard. I'd be waiting for him to be out if he's here.

The new house is big, requires no work done to it at all and we can't really afford bills on both places for 6 months, I've realised he finishes for the summer in July. I'm not trying to be selfish or take DC away from DH just don't think

OP posts:

Original poster

SunnyChange · 23/01/2021 10:35

Sorry, didn't finish that, it's a high spec house that's been on Rightmove for a while and open to squatters, damage, etc. so I don't think it's wise to leave it empty for the majority of the time. We're also miserable in a very small flat (both me and DH but moreso me right now) and for everyone's sanity we need our own space. We're sharing a bedroom with our DC still.

OP posts:

evouk · 23/01/2021 10:44

I think you need to move. You can wfh, husband job hunts and find new childcare for child and in the meantime husband can look after the child

You say you're current place is cramped so get out! No point buying a new place and not moving in right away

SummerBlondey · 23/01/2021 10:58

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to live in the same house as you.

Bizarre that you can buy the new house without selling the existing one

S1gn0fthethymes · 23/01/2021 11:03

Can you afford to pay council tax, all bills, mortgage or rent & insurance on 2 properties ?

Sounds like you need to work out the numbers

Moving to the new property, would put more emphasis on getting things established there asap

Surely there are no benefits of delaying the move ?

crimsonlake · 23/01/2021 11:44

To be honest from initially reading your post I had the same thought as
SummerBlondey.
You seem to be of the opinion that he will walk in to a job...apart from anything else he will have to give notice by the end of this term if he wants to leave his current school by the Summer?

Peacocking · 23/01/2021 15:59

I agree with the above posters, it sounds like his long term plans may not be what you think. Protect your interests in case hes trying to find a way to separate with you both getting a house each.

Original poster

SunnyChange · 25/01/2021 00:22

We've talked about this and from what he says, it's not the case. I've protected my interests, hopefully well enough if it were the case.

I think it's just we'd both expected he'd have something now, this has been the plan since last October (when we started the legal process of buying) and he's definitely been filling out job applications over the last couple of evenings which I've seen, in addition to all of the end of last year so hopefully it's only a matter of time but in the worst case scenario we just don't know what's best if it's until the summer, especially with schools thought to open until after Easter. There is no way we will pull out of the sale so maybe we'll just have to try and stay as long as possible before moving in.

OP posts:

WTAFIhavelosttheferret · 25/01/2021 00:47

What is his education field job?

There is a stagnation in teaching posts- almost no turn around last summer (peak move time) and it hasn't really picked up this year. In some areas of the country it is still quite hard to get a teaching post.

WTAFIhavelosttheferret · 25/01/2021 00:48

@crimsonlake

To be honest from initially reading your post I had the same thought as SummerBlondey. You seem to be of the opinion that he will walk in to a job...apart from anything else he will have to give notice by the end of this term if he wants to leave his current school by the Summer?

If England by 31st May (assuming not a head)

Dopo · 25/01/2021 06:21

High spec houses open to squatters. I live in a different land.
2 houses at the same time.

I need a better job. In education.

Original poster

SunnyChange · 25/01/2021 21:41

@Dopo I'm not in education thanks and I know from my DH that it doesn't pay well, it's a job people do for the children.

It's teaching. It seems that way @WTAFIhavelosttheferret. Really looks like the worst time for this move to happen for his job prospects.

Does anyone know anything about the demand for supply work at the moment?

OP posts:

jellybe · 26/01/2021 17:29

Supply can be brilliant. Especially if you get long term posts.
Only down side with supply is you don't get sick pay and you have to remember to budget your pay so that you have money for holiday time rather than your pay being divided over 12 months. It can pay really well but that depends on the agency/ school etc.

I would say there isn't much supply really at the moment as if staff are off sick for the odd day it is covered by another member of staff by them just setting the absent staff member's class work or having them join their own line lesson.

However, when schools open fully again I suspect there will be a far bit with teachers being burnt out/ still having to isolate due to covid etc.

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/01/2021 17:42

he can get any job until he finds one in his field.....he can't afford to be choosy....

WTAFIhavelosttheferret · 26/01/2021 17:52

@jellybe

Supply can be brilliant. Especially if you get long term posts. Only down side with supply is you don't get sick pay and you have to remember to budget your pay so that you have money for holiday time rather than your pay being divided over 12 months. It can pay really well but that depends on the agency/ school etc.

However, when schools open fully again I suspect there will be a far bit with teachers being burnt out/ still having to isolate due to covid etc.

MPS 1salary regardless of experience No teachers pension No sick pay.

Great

WTAFIhavelosttheferret · 26/01/2021 17:54

@monkeymonkey2010

he can get any job until he finds one in his field.....he can't afford to be choosy....

Terrible advice

A teacher application requires a full employment history for safer recruitment. I left a teaching job to go and work at Tesco equates to I was an inadequate teacher who jumped before they were pushed.

You wouldn't get a teaching interview. Career suicide.

TedMullins · 26/01/2021 18:09

I get why you want to be out of a one bed flat, but it sounds like things could go seriously tits up if you move. Could you afford to pay all outgoings for the new house just on your salary if he can’t find a job? I’m not in education, but I can’t imagine that with schools closed and running on skeleton staff that there’d be much opportunity for new jobs right now. Also flats are hard to sell. I’ve been trying to buy a flat myself for a long time and keep running into issues (totally out of my control, structural etc) that lenders are refusing to lend on - they seem to be much stricter on their criteria at the moment. But during my search I keep seeing flats that have been on the market for over a year, because a lot of people are doing what you’re doing and looking for places with more space. It might not be the ideal option, but in your shoes I’d pull out of the purchase and stay put until he has a job offer and your flat has sold, and rent in the new area short-term. Anything else sounds far too financially risky to me.

monkeymonkey2010 · 26/01/2021 18:18

WTAFIhavelosttheferret
You talk shite!

WTAFIhavelosttheferret · 26/01/2021 18:20

@monkeymonkey2010

WTAFIhavelosttheferret You talk shite!

I lead on dozens of teacher recruitment each year. Do you?

VinylDetective · 26/01/2021 18:29

@monkeymonkey2010

WTAFIhavelosttheferret You talk shite!

It’s not her who’s talking bollocks.

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