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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does house work have to be a chore for it to count as your share?

63 replies

TransplantedScouser · 22/01/2021 13:20

I love cooking. I play with recipes/ingredients - do twists on things. More than happy to do 100% of the cooking and the cleaning up after myself.

As I WFH I also do most of the dishes.

DH who is a neat freak does almost of the other household cleaning as frankly he’s better at it than me.

He says my share doesn’t count as I enjoy doing it and I should also do some of the cleaning.

No kids, I work full time from home in IT. His job requires him to leave the home.

Other stuff is just basic cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms etc

I also tend to do the laundry but that doesn’t count either as the machine does it!

OP posts:
Godimabitch · 22/01/2021 13:25

Start cooking just for yourself and see if he still thinks it's not your share.
You're doing something for him. It sounds like he doesn't exactly hate cleaning either.

honeylulu · 22/01/2021 13:26

Offer to swap with him for a week. You'll clean and he can do all the cooking, dishes and laundry.

The point about enjoyment is irrelevant. It is lucky you enjoy "your" chore but it is still a chore and he gets a daily benefit from it as well as you. I enjoy my job but it is still work and bloody hard work at that. Can you imagine my boss saying I didn't need to be paid because I like doing it!?!

user1174147897 · 22/01/2021 13:28

It's about sharing the load not punishing people.

RedskyBynight · 22/01/2021 13:30

I think it depends. If you're spending 2 hours making a fancy dinner because you enjoy it, rather than knocking up a quick pasta sauce, I don't think that is equivalent to 2 hours of cleaning.
With 2 of you and no children, perhaps it's just easiest to split all jobs 50/50 though?

MrBloomsLeftVeg · 22/01/2021 13:32

Make a full list of all chores in the house and make sure it's an even split? I say that married to a man that only wants to do chores he enjoys. He doesn't even register things like putting the bins out, animal care, garden maintenance etc so would have no idea if he pulls his weight

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/01/2021 13:32

Dh loves cooking. He does it all. I do chores I hate, but not as much as I hate cooking. However, he does do bits and pieces of 'my' chores and all the shopping. He's a grownup who realise his chore is a hobby too and it's his choice to spend 4 hours cooking at the weekends instead of whacking out a quick spag bol.

LemonBreeland · 22/01/2021 13:33

This is a really strange attitude he has. Laundry counts as it needs sorting, drying, folding etc. Also washing most of the dishes and and doing all of the cooking is a major input. My DH does the cooking and dishes. He also does some of the cleaning. I appreciate not having to make dinner, or even think about it. I like the suggestion of swapping for a week and seeing what he thinks then. It is not about whether you enjoy it or not.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2021 13:34

All of his jobs can be done in one weekend morning. Yours are daily. So I'd say I'd rather be in his shoes and have an evening meal cooked daily for me and spend 2-3 hours on a Saturday morning cleaning the house.

But I'd definetly suggest swapping for a week and seeing if either of you learn anything about how the other feels. A proper swap too- no him asking how to do xyz and you asking what day the bin goes out etc.

AliceinBunniland · 22/01/2021 13:34

Only if he does some of the cooking

Having said that doing all of one task doesn't necessarily equate to doing all of another eg cooking all means is probably more than hoovering the front room.

AlexaShutUp · 22/01/2021 13:36

Depends. Does your dh want to split the cooking and the cleaning, or does he want you to do all of the cooking and half of the cleaning.

LaceyBetty · 22/01/2021 13:36

Hmmm. My husband does all the cooking because he likes it and he sometimes cleans up after, but we share everything else. I don't think I would want him to absolve himself from everything else because he cooks. It would make me want to start doing half of the cooking as, even though I don't particularly like cooking, it is better than cleaning toilets! Doing laundry is a chore in my opinion though.

Chasingsquirrels · 22/01/2021 13:36

"The machine does it" 🤨, who sorts, loads, unloads, folds, irons (if you do that, puts away...

The machine also does the vacuuming, but someone has to push it round.

I don't think it matters whether you enjoy it or not, other than it makes sense to share the load in the best way, and that includes you each doing the bits you enjoy.
It does matter if you don't each value the others contributions, or if those contributions are uneven.

user1493413286 · 22/01/2021 13:37

Of course your share counts; what a depressing view. DH does most of our cooking as he enjoys it and I’ve always thought of that as his share especially as it takes longer than most of the things I do. I’d suggest that if it doesn’t count as your share then he can do half and see how quickly he changes his mind
Does the washing magically sort itself out, get itself in the machine etc!

gannett · 22/01/2021 13:38

Don't think either of you are being super-unreasonable.

The ideal is that everyone gets the chores they enjoy doing most. Lots of people enjoy cooking, lots of people enjoy looking after pets, I believe some weirdos out there even derive real enjoyment from cleaning. So no, enjoying a chore doesn't mean it "doesn't count".

For you cooking is also a hobby, I guess? But even when cooking is a hobby it can still be a chore sometimes (when you just want to get something, anything on the table).

I don't think a straight cooking/cleaning division sounds very fair if a lot of your cooking time is basically a hobby, though it might depend on how big your house is (if a small flat then it does sound more equitable). I'd say you could take over cleaning one of the rooms, maybe.

Original poster
TransplantedScouser · 22/01/2021 13:43

His ideal would be me to be like him. So there is never any cleaning to do because the minute a bit of lint is on the carpet it gets vacuumed. Constantly looking for dust and having a cloth almost always near him.

OP posts:
HamAndButterSandwich · 22/01/2021 13:44

Of course cooking and washing up counts. That said if you spend hours each night cooking a lovely banquet when you could have simply prepared a simple meal you don't get extra credit. Likewise if he wants to scrub the bathroom to within an inch of it's life every day when all it needs is a wipe down after having a bath then he doesn't get extra credit for that either. Since you both work full time the chores should be separated so that the time it would take a normal person to complete them is equal. If you choose to spend extra time cooking that's fine, if he does more cleaning then necessary that's fine too but it doesn't reduce the amount your responsible for.

luxxlisbon · 22/01/2021 13:46

If you spend 2 hours cooking a fancy new recipe because you find it fun at the expense of any day to day cleaning then I can see how that could bother your other half.
For example cooking a batch of cookies isn't really a chore and doesn't mean you shouldn't chip in with the hoovering.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2021 13:49

Sounds like housework is a hobby to him.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2021 13:50

Do you have kids? Are they allowed to make any mess?

MagnoliaBeige · 22/01/2021 13:53

So you do all the cooking (and accompanying meal planning, food shopping), all the dishes and all the laundry? And he dusts, hoovers, cleans, tidies etc? Sounds fairly 50/50 to me but it really depends how big your house is, how long it takes etc and how much time you’re spending on your chores.

Rather than split it by chore, work it out by how much free time you get. If he’s spending all weekend cleaning whilst you have your feet up other than doing your chores a few times a day, I can see why he’s miffed.

BoyTree · 22/01/2021 14:27

Does your husband enjoy cooking? Would you be happy to share cooking and other chores more equitably between you? Would he be happier with beans on toast and some help with the other housework?

I'd say cleaning is bigger job than cooking so if you refuse to do any other house work on the grounds that you have chosen a job you really enjoy, then yes I would feel a bit miserable slogging away cleaning toilets as my 'fair share'. But if he would rather clean than cook, then he needs to suck it up at least a bit.

But most importantly, both people need to be happy with the division of labour. If you are and he isn't, then it needs revisiting either way!

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 22/01/2021 14:33

"Other stuff is just basic cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms etc"

No such thing as "basic" cleaning. Cleaning is hard work and vacuuming and bathrooms, physically demanding, if done properly. Dusting not easy either if you do windows and woodwork etc. It is also boring and thankless. If it were that basic everyone would do it. And i say this as someone who also cooks everyday as i am a single parent working full time.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 22/01/2021 14:39

"DH who is a neat freak "

Herein lies the problem. Your husband has higher standards for the house than you. You feel what you do is more valuable. You are not really appreciating how much work it takes to keep a
home clean and tidy.

Cadent · 22/01/2021 14:52

But you are doing some of the clean up - the dishes!

Cooking everyday from scratch is a huge commitment.

Maybe look at it in terms of hours. How many hours each week do you spend cooking and how many hours does he spend cleaning?

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 22/01/2021 15:08

"Start cooking just for yourself and see if he still thinks it's not your share.
You're doing something for him. It sounds like he doesn't exactly hate cleaning either".

Great advice @Godimabitch . Why not then ask him , to only clean the stuff/rooms/things he uses and generally only clean up after himself. That'll show him!

Thank god for your well thought out, considered and sage advice. If OP follows your fantastic advice, she should stay married until at least May .