Does house work have to be a chore for it to count as your share?

[TransplantedScouser]

I love cooking. I play with recipes/ingredients - do twists on things. More than happy to do 100% of the cooking and the cleaning up after myself.

As I WFH I also do most of the dishes.

DH who is a neat freak does almost of the other household cleaning as frankly he’s better at it than me.

He says my share doesn’t count as I enjoy doing it and I should also do some of the cleaning.

No kids, I work full time from home in IT. His job requires him to leave the home.

Other stuff is just basic cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, bathrooms etc

I also tend to do the laundry but that doesn’t count either as the machine does it!

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

Cooking from scratch 7 days a week is a massive commitment. No other household task compares for the sheer monotony and work involved. I bet OP does the shopping too.

He needs to appreciate what OP does too.

of course it counts!

if you are in charge of food shopping, cooking, cleaning kitchen after and he's cleaning the rest of the house, it sounds like a fair share.

Cleaning is not much physical effort but is extremely boring.

"I also tend to do the laundry but that doesn’t count either as the machine does it!"

For that alone, he's being a dick. The machine does a portion of it for you, but laundry also has to be sorted, loaded, unloaded, dried, folded, ironed, paired, put away. And 'the machine' has to be cleaned, descaled, maintained etc.

Add that to you doing all the cooking and all the clearing away and all the dishes ... he's being a dick. As long as you aren't leaving a trail of destruction in your wake for your husband to clear up, I very much doubt he's putting in more time and effort than you in maintaining the household.

@Cadent "cooking from scratch 7 days a week is a massive commitment. No other household task compares for the sheer monotony and work involved. I bet OP does the shopping too."

You are being ridiculous.

I have 2 jobs. I work full time in a pastoral role and i have a home cottage business. I am a single parent. I cook from scratch everyday, i also find time to go shopping. I also clean my home everyday, do laundry, help my children with sch work etc. Monotony is something i know well.

Perhaps @Cadent if cooking meals is all time consuming for you, you may need to look at some time management coaching and coping strategies. I'm guessing you are not big on housework either if you cannot recognise that cleaning a home is not a comparable task.

"And 'the machine' has to be cleaned, descaled, maintained etc. "

Jesus Christ. Basic dishwasher and washing machine maintenance and descaling now classified as " work". Just get a descale sachet, hardly rocket science.

There are younger women on this site looking for guidance. Today, they have seen that if you cook you cannot clean. If you cook it takes up all of your time so best not work. If you clean do not cook. If you are married and you cook leave all the cleaning to your DH. If you cook your DH has to clean.

Some ridiculous, uneducated , unhelpful advice on this thread.

Of course it still counts as your 'share' despite the fact that you enjoy it - but the fact that you put 'extra' time into it (above the basic minimum to provide reasonable food) and enjoy it doesn't mean you get to count that against other chores he does. That goes for him too - it sounds like he has very high standards for cleaning, and the fact he wants things to be immaculate doesn't mean he gets to demand you do 'extra' because of that. Especially since you do the washing up and washing too! It sounds to me like your split is reasonably fair as it is tbh - you like cooking so you put extra effort into that, he likes things to be really tidy so he puts extra effort into that. You both benefit from the effects of each others work even if you wouldn't necessarily put in the same effort yourselves.

If you want to make a bit of a point, I'd stop doing his washing for a bit. Once he's run out of clean clothes it should be quite apparent the machine doesn't do it all...

I'm just posting in agreement that enjoyment is irrelevant. I hate cleaning the bathroom, but I pop music on, pour a beer and have a little merry sing along when I do it. Your oh needs to find what makes his chores easier to do for him, not pile more on you.

[quote ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]**@Cadent "cooking from scratch 7 days a week is a massive commitment. No other household task compares for the sheer monotony and work involved. I bet OP does the shopping too."

You are being ridiculous.

I have 2 jobs. I work full time in a pastoral role and i have a home cottage business. I am a single parent. I cook from scratch everyday, i also find time to go shopping. I also clean my home everyday, do laundry, help my children with sch work etc. Monotony is something i know well.

Perhaps @Cadent if cooking meals is all time consuming for you, you may need to look at some time management coaching and coping strategies. I'm guessing you are not big on housework either if you cannot recognise that cleaning a home is not a comparable task.

[/quote]
I suspect my idea of cooking from scratch and yours are very different.

You are a martyr and you want OP to be one too.

I agree it counts as your share to a point, but if you are spending hours doing a meal for the enjoyment of it, that doesn't mean you get out of the equivalent housework. Having said that, sounds like your DH is over-investing in the housework, so that is his own 'fault' too.
Personally I enjoy cooking, planning and shopping for food and I find cleaning totally monotonous and boring. I would prefer to cook every meal and never clean, but it doesn't work like that in my house. I kind of like the idea of a neat freak husband if he does all the housework, but I guess he also puts pressure on you to be a neat freak too, which is probably less fun!

@bingoitsadingo "If you want to make a bit of a point, I'd stop doing his washing for a bit. Once he's run out of clean clothes it should be quite apparent the machine doesn't do it all..."

Yes, and then when the Op's DH stops cleaning the house, the bathroom and the toilets ,OP may realise she likes sitting on a toilet where the bowl she sits on is not soiled with invisible urine. She may also like cleaning her teeth in a previously used sink that has been cleaned and not filled with spittoon from others in the household.

More great marital advice from @bingo

@Cadent You are a martyr and you want OP to be one too.

No, not at all. My reply was directed at you. I am very independent and self sufficient.

If you feel you have been "Martyred " then that is something you need to address.

Well you’re the one telling me you’re a whiz at cooking and housework and saying I must not do any housework. 🤷‍♀️

Do what you want but why encourage other women to do everything.

@Cadent suspect my idea of cooking from scratch and yours are very different.

No, i am from am Irish family that emigrated to England and found housing in a Windrush house. I know food. I grew up with Irish and Jamaicans. I know food from scratch. I know how to cook from scratch.

That's like saying you're not really working because you like your job, surely?

Is there not an element of him enjoying cleaning if he's straight out with the vacuum as soon as he sees a speck of dust? I can't say that either my partner or I particularly relish any aspects of 'adulting' - cooking, cleaning, running errands. We normally end up trying to split time equally in terms of work/chores/leisure time. Can you outsource some of cleaning jobs neither of you particularly enjoy or get someone in to do a deep clean every few weeks?

@Cadent i grew up amongst Irish and Jamaican women sharing foods for their children during some of the most challenging times. Women showing me how to cook. I can cook, and i can even cook when there is not much food around. I have been taught very well and from scratch .

I understand what it is to prepare food.

All the cooking, cleaning up and laundry is not nothing!!!

@Cadent Well you’re the one telling me you’re a whiz at cooking and housework and saying I must not do any housework. 🤷‍♀️

I never said that. You are not intelligent enough to understand my posts.

You comment when you really have not understood.

"Constantly looking for dust and having a cloth almost always near him."

That's his choice, you don't have to keep those standards. My DH wanted the garden a certain way. I wanted it low maintenance, so he did the majority that wouldn't need doing if it was up to me. You need to negotiate what's important to each of you and see if there's common ground.

A house with two Adults in doesn't take that much to keep clean, if it's the average urban dwelling.

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies, the point was that it isn't the woman's job by default, so it's still work. You have children, a house without children is easier to clean.

@Ponoka7 yes. Exactly. Cleaning a house is still cleaning a house. Op thinks cleaning is 'basic'. It is not. Op cooks , her DH cleans. I am not sure why DH's cleaning is seen as less than OP's cookiing.

@Ponoka7 2 people living in a house will still make mess. It needs to be cleaned. Just because someone cooks does not invalidate the cleaning for 2 the other does.

He sounds like really hard work.

I do all of the cooking and food shop, I love cooking, I don’t see it as a chore as to me its as an enjoyable as reading a book for half an hour.

Cooking isn’t a chore for us, so it isn’t included in each of our chore lists.

I do apply a mental 'discount' to tasks I enjoy, if that makes sense. For example an hour spent baking cake or painting a wall (which I enjoy) would not be equivalent to an hour cleaning windows (which I hate), but I'd still feel like I'd done something useful. We do try to take preferences into acount, so that we each get to do things we enjoy more (or at least hate less).