Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a drug addict the money??

97 replies

SpicyEnchiladas · 22/01/2021 12:42

When I finished the grocery shopping this morning, a young lady followed me to my car and asked politely for a pound to get some milk. She said that she lost £100 yesterday and she has nothing in her wallet. Stereotypically, she ticks every box of a drug addict: damaged skin, teeth, smell, shaking hands ...etc.

I gave her a fiver and told her that I hope it can help her. She thanked me and walked away. Not to the supermarket though! I carried on packing up everything in the car boot, then received a long call so I was a bit late to leave the car park. When I turned my car outside I saw her standing next to a young man and they were both smoking and laughing.

My husband said that if it happened next time I shouldn’t give them the money as I’m helping them with their habit. He suggested to go to the supermarket and get her some food instead. I don’t agree with him, I feel it’s humiliating for them and quite patronising. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tallybeebloom · 22/01/2021 13:17

I give money to homeless women, including ones who are obviously addicts. In my mind then if they're addicted they're going to find any means of getting the money and for many that means using their bodies putting themselves at even further risk. If me giving them money means they don't need to have sex with some pig for it then I'd far rather that.

Original poster
SpicyEnchiladas · 22/01/2021 13:17

Thanks for your responses everyone

@ComtesseDeSpair Wow that was powerful! You're right I wouldn't help someone with any of the issues you've mentioned. It's very difficult I find especially when the addicts are women. They're more likely to get raped, assaulted...etc to feed their habits.

OP posts:
georgarina · 22/01/2021 13:17

I only give food or essentials to people just so I know that what I'm giving them is hopefully going to be helping them. Not to be harsh and make assumptions but I don't want to be giving money to a dealer, I want to be giving supplies to someone who needs it.

partyatthepalace · 22/01/2021 13:17

It’s up to you, but more times than not, small amounts of cash are just feeding a habit.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/01/2021 13:18

@Iwillnotbemoved

You probably cheered up her day. Do-gooders are not going to cure addiction. If she's homeless, it's probably her only 'pleasure' in life. I always give cash.
Drug addiction is not a pleasure. People don’t choose addiction, addicts don’t want to be addicted. “Do-gooders” can’t cure addiction, no; but declining to provide the tools which are destroying somebody's life and which will ultimately kill them is far kinder than to pretend they have a choice in the matter and you’re just helping them to choose.
Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:19

Living on the streets is hardly conducive to recovery from addiction btw. She will just beg for however long it takes. In this cold, what you did was kind. It probably saved her a further hour or two begging to get £5.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 22/01/2021 13:20

I'm fully prepared to have my arse handed to me over this, by people who don't know any better, but I've often bought (low percentage) alcohol for homeless alcoholics who are clearly in withdrawal.

I'm a recovering alkie and former substance abuse support worker. Cold turkey alcohol withdrawal is extremely dangerous and often fatal.

Absolutely, the people concerned would have been better off with a medical detox (I was always willing to take them to hospital for this exact purpose), but when you encounter a person who is in severe withdrawal, hallucinating, pouring with sweat and on the verge of a seizure, you do what you can to keep them in the safe zone until you can make sure they're on their way to hospital.

Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:20

She will beg for however long it takes.

Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:21

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm

I'm fully prepared to have my arse handed to me over this, by people who don't know any better, but I've often bought (low percentage) alcohol for homeless alcoholics who are clearly in withdrawal.

I'm a recovering alkie and former substance abuse support worker. Cold turkey alcohol withdrawal is extremely dangerous and often fatal.

Absolutely, the people concerned would have been better off with a medical detox (I was always willing to take them to hospital for this exact purpose), but when you encounter a person who is in severe withdrawal, hallucinating, pouring with sweat and on the verge of a seizure, you do what you can to keep them in the safe zone until you can make sure they're on their way to hospital.

Have done similar.
Original poster
SpicyEnchiladas · 22/01/2021 13:23

@1forAll74 My husband said the same. He said that I could've gave her the bottle of milk and some buns and tuna cans from the shopping bags.

OP posts:
Markies · 22/01/2021 13:24

‘Sorry I have no money’ is my response at all times.

Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:25

[quote SpicyEnchiladas]@1forAll74 My husband said the same. He said that I could've gave her the bottle of milk and some buns and tuna cans from the shopping bags.[/quote]
Was she a cat? Confused

Wearywithteens · 22/01/2021 13:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/01/2021 13:25

@ShirleyPhallus

Would you give a suicidal person the means to kill themselves? Or reassure somebody with a serious eating disorder that their behaviour was fine and to carry on? If not, why would you give drugs to a drug addict?

What a horrible thing to say. Giving money to someone you suspect to take drugs and what they go on to do with it is absolutely NOT your fault in any way.

It isn’t horrible, and I haven’t said it’s the OP’s “fault” that somebody buys drugs. But you wouldn’t give a suicidal friend a box of painkillers and a bottle of vodka because they asked you for it, because you thought it was a kind thing to do and they should have the right to choose. In the same way, giving a drug addict money for drugs is not kind, a drug addict does not have a choice in whether they buy drugs or not; or at least not a choice in any sense of how we might think of one. Giving money because you feel sympathy and want to be kind, turns out not to be a kindness at all. If you want to be kind, don’t give money.
Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:25

@Markies

‘Sorry I have no money’ is my response at all times.
How kind.
Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:27

It isn’t horrible, and I haven’t said it’s the OP’s “fault” that somebody buys drugs. But you wouldn’t give a suicidal friend a box of painkillers and a bottle of vodka because they asked you for it, because you thought it was a kind thing to do and they should have the right to choose. In the same way, giving a drug addict money for drugs is not kind, a drug addict does not have a choice in whether they buy drugs or not; or at least not a choice in any sense of how we might think of one. Giving money because you feel sympathy and want to be kind, turns out not to be a kindness at all. If you want to be kind, don’t give money.

You'd rather they had to suck a few dicks to get their drug of choice then? Lovely. How charitable. How fucking kind. Grow up and volunteer with the homeless.

Lovemusic33 · 22/01/2021 13:29

It’s very likely that she handed the money straight over to the man she was with, he was probably using her to get cash (people are more likely to give it to a woman). I’m not one to judge anyone or their reasons for being in the prostitution they are in but I think it’s never a good idea to give someone cash, I probably would have given her the milk out of my shopping (if you had milk) rather than give £5, it’s very unlikely she wanted milk.

Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:29

Ever hear of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?

If you're an addict and homeless, there is a bottom tier to that pillar. Drug-of-choice.

Herja · 22/01/2021 13:29

She's homeless. A hit is what she wants and what will get her through her day, and I can't say I blame her. If I was long term homeless and probably suffering, I'd want to be off my face too. It is near impossible for a homeless addict to give up an addiction, not giving her money wouldn't stop her addictions (if that is indeed what the money went on), it would just leave her feeling ill too.

Giving money freely is a choice and one I often make. I make that choice in the full knowledge that the person given it will spend it on what THEY feel they need, not what I do. If they feel that a bag of smack will take the pain out of spending the night in a wet, piss and rat filled doorway, I'll not disagree with them; if our positions were traded and I was now a homeless addict, I am confident I would do the same.

Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:30

I probably would have given her the milk out of my shopping (if you had milk) rather than give £5, it’s very unlikely she wanted milk.

So you'd give her what you specifically know she didn't want?

Warsawa31 · 22/01/2021 13:31

I got to know a homeless guy fairly well and knew he wasn't a drug addict or alcoholic so the money would be for food and or accommodation etc.

Random homeless people can spend it on anything - but once you give them the money it la up to them. Don't feels bad either way as you did a nice thing, you can't control what people do with their lives. But personally to take a fiver away from my family for someone to spend on drugs doesn't sit right

takingwhatineed · 22/01/2021 13:32

I'd have given the money too. It's must be awful being homeless and humiliating asking for money. Who am I to judge.

Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:32

The going rate for a bj from a homeless woman is £5. You saved her one.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/01/2021 13:34

@Iwillnotbemoved

It isn’t horrible, and I haven’t said it’s the OP’s “fault” that somebody buys drugs. But you wouldn’t give a suicidal friend a box of painkillers and a bottle of vodka because they asked you for it, because you thought it was a kind thing to do and they should have the right to choose. In the same way, giving a drug addict money for drugs is not kind, a drug addict does not have a choice in whether they buy drugs or not; or at least not a choice in any sense of how we might think of one. Giving money because you feel sympathy and want to be kind, turns out not to be a kindness at all. If you want to be kind, don’t give money.

You'd rather they had to suck a few dicks to get their drug of choice then? Lovely. How charitable. How fucking kind. Grow up and volunteer with the homeless.

I think making comments like that without knowing somebody's personal background, or what they do for a living, or in their spare time, is pretty childish.

But if it pleases you to think that I believe all drug addicts should go and suck a few dicks, and that by extension anyone who says no when asked for money also believes that; then I’m not going to argue with you.

Iwillnotbemoved · 22/01/2021 13:34

@Warsawa31

I got to know a homeless guy fairly well and knew he wasn't a drug addict or alcoholic so the money would be for food and or accommodation etc.

Random homeless people can spend it on anything - but once you give them the money it la up to them. Don't feels bad either way as you did a nice thing, you can't control what people do with their lives. But personally to take a fiver away from my family for someone to spend on drugs doesn't sit right

Agree with second paragraph.

With regards to first paragraph, are the pure of heart homeless more worthy then than those with addictions?