To lie to my family about job offers? Not sure which one to take!

[bonnie1981]

Sorry if this is long but I am not sure what job to take and I think I might have to lie to my family who want me to go with the highest paid / status job.

Bit of background: I took an exit package last year after years of bullying and disability discrimination from my previous employer. My mental health really suffered (diagnosed with PTSD) and I had to go through a tribunal process with help from my amazing union (got the exit package instead). So that exit package was in December and I've been job hunting since. I've been quite taken aback by how many interviews and offers I now have. I thought I was unemployable! Because of what happened to me before, I'd much prefer to be home based to minimise stress and better manage my disabilities. The salary I was on before was £36,000.
The offers I have to choose from are as follows:

1. a temporary contract at a university in a professional services role. It is 6 months. It is not home based but as it is 6 months, it's unlikely I would be in an office much or even at all, due to the current climate. It is 30 mins from home to commute. It is a unionised environment, disability confident employer, seem really nice people.The reviews on Glassdoor are mostly positive. Its a russell group university. I have always been interested in working in a university environment and this could be a foot in the door. However, it is temporary, it seems a rather easy job and I could be bored, and although I have experience in this work it is not what my degree was in. I got this offer first and I have accepted it. It is £29,000 with a 3 month notice period.

1. This is a permanent home working role doing what I am qualified in, it is what I have experience in but it is also linked to a personal passion of mine. I view this as my dream job. However, they have taken someone else on and have told me that if they get more funding in the summer, they will take me on then. This would be just before the contract above finishes, but what if they don't get the funding? This job is a disability confident leader. The reviews on glassdoor are all positive although as they are a very small employer there aren't many reviews! This is £32,000 salary.

1. This is a national disability charity. Disability Confident committed (not leader) and it not unionised. It is permanent home based (but not home working - so some travel may still be involved and this travel would be throughout the UK). It sounds like it would be the most stressful of the three options. The reviews on Glassdoor are mainly negative - talking about bad management, impossible targets and bullying. However this is mainly from the customer facing staff and I would not be customer facing. This job is £36-41k salary range. I interview for this job on Wednesday and that is the final stage interview against one other candidate.

My family want me to take the highest paying role. I am inclined to take the first two roles. if I get offered the last role, wibu to lie to them and say I didn't get it? WIBU not to take the last role?

I know folk might say its my life etc but I'm scared of making the wrong choice as I have had such a shitty few years. I just want the minimal stress and to be happy but at the same time I'm not stupid and I worry about going backwards in my career.

Take the first. The second is only a maybe and you don’t want the third.
Who is pushing you? How much do you need to be paid? It can be hard to take a pay cut. I left a really well paid job after 2 months because it was horrific. It took me a year to find a new job. I earn 40% less in this role but have been there for several years now as it suits my work life balance. I’d like to earn more again but I’m v grateful for the job after looking for a year. I’d never thought I’d be out of work.
In the current climate, take the first and continue looking.

I left a job burnt out from a very toxic culture and spent 12 months in a supportive, homebased role. I've now moved on but I am so much better for it. Sometimes you just need to work with people who build you up.

Plus personally once I've accepted a job I feel committed and stop looking. Especially on a six month contract pulling out now could cause them hassle which might make it harder for you to get a job there in future

It took me about 3 years to recover from a prolonged bullying at work experience and I'll never work at that level again. By choice. Take the time to recover and build confidence. Your family also sound like bullies.

YANBU to go for the job you want. Though if you take job 1 it shouldn't be with the thought of getting job 2. Job 2 sounds like a very big IF and may quite possibly not work out.

I think YABU to lie to your family. If it's your parents then why is it any of their business? Are they financially supporting you? If not just tell them the decision you have made and ask them to be happy for you. If by family you mean DP or DC then YABVVU, this impacts them directly and you should discuss it with them.

Take 1, hope for 2 and refuse 3 if offered.
If it would be more diplomatic to say "sadly that is not gonna happen" about job 3 then "I turned it down I've been burned and don't want to jump in the fire" to your family then do so.
Sometimes people don't realise just how traumatising that kind of long term bullying is, especially if you are a strong minded intelligent person at home.
So if they are normally kind and supportive I'd cut them some slack. Without doing what they want obviously, just be a bit less hurt that they don't seem to have taken minding you into consideration.

If you turn down 3 do tell them your reasons, might help to shake things up in the charity and value their staff members more.

You don’t have three offers though, you have one offer, one might materialise if there is funding and the other you are still interviewing for. You have said yes to the one that you have genuinely received an offer for, no other decision to make just yet.

Its my DDad. He values status and money.

DM and DH are like "you have money in the bank, you don't need to worry".

DH is a little bit worried I'd be bored though.

job no 3 has 50 out of 170 negative reviews on Indeed (1 or 2 *)

on glassdoor it has 52 out of 110 reviews with 1*

Take job 1, better to be in a job. I'd also ask on the likelihood of the role being extended.

Job 2 hasn't been offered and Job 3 sounds like a nightmare. I don't know if you have kids but working away can be hard going with young children.

some good suggestions above on what I could ask job 3

job 1 will not be extended. they said its definitely fixed.

job 2 is advertised as permanent, but they fact they are reliant on funding makes me wonder - is it really?

Thanks for all the helpful feedback

Your dad is overstepping the mark here - this is absolutely none of his business and he gets no say in the matter. Ignore him.

Take job 1 and see how things are feeling at the end of it. A lot can change in 6 months.

I'd still take job 1, 6 months and lots could change. We should be seeing the light at the end of the covid tunnel by then too.

Even if that job isn't extended, there might be other roles come up with in the uni. Think of it as a big interview / trial period.

Good your DH is on your side. Your dad doesn’t get a vote!

By the time you’ve started, learned the job and delivered a few things, the six months will be up.
You’ll hardly have time to be bored, and if you are it’s only a few months.
It might give you thinking space to think about your next steps, or mean you’re refreshed enough to focus on home life and personal interests in the evenings instead of feeling stressed in your own time.

Congratulations on your new role

This is like the third thread you’ve posted in the last month or two about this? Isn’t job 3 only part time?

Job 2 doesn’t exist. They’ve given it to someone else.

You haven’t even interviewed for job 3 yet.

You’ve been offered and accepted job 1 and you know job 3 sounds like a terrible fit for you.

I don’t understand the dilemma, or why you’d lie to your parents?

I would take option 1. Even if 2 doesn’t come off, it will give you time to regroup & get your confidence and you say you have savings so if you are out of work short time you have a back up. I don’t think going back into a pressurised environment is the right thing. You will make yourself poorly.

Job 1. Internal vacancies mean you might be able to move internally after six months.

I wouldn't rely on 2nd job. It sounds like a nice way to say you haven't got the job. Even if true, it's likely they'd advertise again.

Saying that, many things can happen in 6 months.

The 3rd job seems more stressful so I'd say it depends on your disability and how if affects you under pressure.

Deffo take 1, IF 3 materialises, you’ll be able to buy some time to start when the 1 finishes, or poss can overlap if it’s not by much, you’ll be at home....

Job 3 is a no.

You’ll need to get your confidence back, these are decent roles, but not the kind of role where you’re being paid a huge amount of cash in exchange for your soul.

Your dad is somewhat delusional, discount his opinion - smile and wave - and do what works for YOU.

Tell your Dad that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

You have one job offer. You have accepted the offer because having a job is better than no job. You can't mess about a good offer for a job that you haven't even been offered.

Then stop discussing it. If he brings it up just say, I have accepted an offer, there is no point discussing it further.

You are getting very worked up about whatifs

Absolute no-brainier - take job 1, hope job 2 comes through, reassess in 6 months if not.

What your dad thinks is totally irrelevant. Don’t lie - just say you weighed it up and decided you weren’t ready to take job 3 at this point. I’d even consider if you should pull out now pre-second interview TBH.

this is my first thread on the subject. All the jobs are full time jobs.

I just sent the reviews of job 3 to DM and she agrees it doesn't sound good but DF in the background saying its just a 'small percentage' of the staff and people always review when they have had a negative experience never good.

I guess maybe I am overthinking

I've been quite taken aback by how many interviews and offers I now have.

You have 1 offer and 1 more interview?

Job 2 sounds like a nightmare, especially for someone in your situation. And in future I would think about telling your Dad less.

You are a grown woman with a husband
Why are you asking your parents?
Take job 1, it’s the only one on the table

And the fact that you feel you need to lie to your parents about it is a bit concerning too