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AIBU?

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Original poster

Anyone who is NC with mother do you let them see your children?

56 replies

jollybobs89 · 20/01/2021 22:48

Just wondering is there anyone out there who is no contact with their mother and has children??

I have quite a strained relationship with my mum and she's basically said she doesn't want anything to do with me but still wants to see my children??

I've said this won't work but she's basically now saying that I'm using the children against her?!

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 20/01/2021 22:50

No. My main impetus for finally jettisoning the foul, selfish, abusive hag from my life was the fact that her behaviour had started to impact my children. So there was no way in hell she was going to have access to them without me.

My only regret is that I didn't make the break for my own sake, years earlier.

Catcrazy008 · 20/01/2021 22:53

No
Toxic to me. Toxic to my children.

Santaiscovidfree · 20/01/2021 22:54

Been nc for years. She most def doesn't see my dc... The first instance of nc when dd was a teen she tried tobinit9a relationship behind my back by writing to dd's friend's home address. I left her a vm informing her I would see k legal advice unless she stopped..
Later years nc again and will remain so. Dc know she isn't to be trusted and isn't appropriate to be around them. Even my adult dc don't have a relationship with her. Block her op. In every way. Yabu to even be contemplating allowing your dc to be poisoned by her. Is it your moral duty to protect them.

C0NNIE · 20/01/2021 22:54

Of course not! If she is too toxic and abusive for you to deal with her, why would you let your precious children anywhere near her ?

It doesn’t matter what she says about you, the joy of NC is that you won’t know.

FoxyTheFox · 20/01/2021 22:55

No. We're NC with MIL and we don't let her see the DC. The reasons why we are NC are also the reasons we don't want her around our children and when dealing with an emotional abuser you need to make as clean a break as possible because any link you leave is a link that they use to try worm back in.

Juniperandrage · 20/01/2021 22:55

Not a chance. She's still the toxic person she always was. I'm not putting my child at risk of being damaged like I was

EspressoExpresso · 20/01/2021 22:56

No. She caused enough damage to me, no way is she having anything to do with my child. She doesn't even know he exists.

AnnaMagnani · 20/01/2021 22:57

Why would you?

And if you are genuinely NC with her, how can she get in touch to make demands about the children?

Ignore.

noideabutstilltrying · 20/01/2021 23:11

I've not spoken to my mum for 2 years. My sister has taken them over to see her twice. They weren't great visits. The children aren't bothered about going again.

They have sent messages on Christmas and birthdays to their grandparents and these were ignored so now my children don't bother trying.

Deelish75 · 20/01/2021 23:14

No I believe she’d treat my children as she has treated me. Not having it. She sends them Christmas/birthday cards - they go in the bin.

My children have my dad and his partner and my PIL, they are happy.

MardyBicardi · 20/01/2021 23:18

No, certainly not without trustworthy supervision.I don’t see my mil neither does DP unless she is at a family celebration.
It’s not an official NC, I don’t think she’s even noticed - which makes it easier for us.
Either way, I would be incredibly anxious about her manipulating and gaslighting my dc and wouldn’t want her alone with them.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/01/2021 23:22

I'm not in that situation but it seems mad to me to consider it. If someone isn't worth having in your own life, why would you want them in your childrens life? A lot of people say they dont want to deny their kids a relationship with a grandparent but again why would you want them to have any airt of relationship that was similar to the relationship that you had with them?

nyoman · 20/01/2021 23:26

No. Of course, she was going to take me to court, and demand contact and "Grandparent rights" etc... yeah, still waiting on that, ten years later. Hmm

LickEmbysmiling · 20/01/2021 23:28

No not with pils but I'm extremely worried about them trying when they find out dd has a phone and get her no.

They or rather fil batters or used to dh to see Mil..
It's not something I'd want dd to have to put up with. It's hard enough for us to handle let alone a young girl being subject to a narcs web...

Cherrysoup · 20/01/2021 23:28

No. You’re nc for a reason, why would you allow her to see the most precious thing in your life and potentially harm them?

HitchFlix · 20/01/2021 23:34

I'm NC with my father and no he doesn't see my children. He's never even met the youngest. He sends gifts/cards at Christmas. That's the only "contact" there is. I'd rather he didn't but I don't want to contact him to tell him to stop and potentially open up a can of worms.

In your shoes there's no way I'd allow her to see my DC, she will no doubt behave in a toxic manner towards them. Don't subject them to horrible people.

sadeyes21 · 20/01/2021 23:48

No. I had a traumatic childhood and she failed to safe guard me in many ways. I have no idea how she would be as a grandparent but I cannot stay mentally healthy with her in my life and my child needs me to be mentally healthy.

Original poster
jollybobs89 · 20/01/2021 23:50

Thank you for your replies

Sorry @AnnaMagnani I'm on the verge of going down this road. I've had been there before a year once my DD was born now got two children 2 and 9 months but I've ended up getting back in touch due to brothers/sisters being involved illness etc.

Yes this is what I think. It's only a matter of time before she starts saying x y z about me to my children so why would I want that negativity around my children. Why do I feel guilty?! Does the guilt pass? I feel conditioned that because it's my mother I have to stay in contact. She's basically said I'm using the children against her and she doesn't see why my DP can't drop the kids off to her!!

She's a narc through and through

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 20/01/2021 23:55

Not my mum but I’m nc with my sister and she tried to say in the beginning she still wants to see my kids, I told her no chance, imagine how they will be bad mouthing them to you and trying to turn them against you? No way.

Givemeabreak88 · 20/01/2021 23:55

She sent them Xmas presents and cards they went straight in the bin

MeanWeedratStew · 21/01/2021 00:43

If you let her develop a relationship with your DC, she may be able to use that to claim grandparents' rights later on. Don't put yourself and your children through that. Sever all ties, it's the only way to protect your children.

StatisticallyChallenged · 21/01/2021 01:00

Nope, part of the reason for finally going NC again - I'd been pulled back previously due to family deaths/sickness - was that my eldest was becoming aware that granny was bloody mean. She was 7.

She's never met the youngest, didn't even know she existed until she was 1. Managed to keep pregnancy very quiet but the closer I got to due date the more I knew I was just done with her and my girls deserved better. She'd have no hesitation in using them against me (or each other) and I'm not allowing it

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/01/2021 01:06

You're not using the children against her, you're protecting the children and your family from her.

Original poster
jollybobs89 · 21/01/2021 07:56

I didn't even know grandparents rights was a thing!! That's crazy!

Gosh seems a lot of people in similar position!

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 21/01/2021 09:12

Definitely not! We are NC with members of DH’s family… MIL tried to facilitate a relationship between them and our DC: we told her in no uncertain terms that the children would not be seeing these people. Why on earth would we want to people we have cut contact with -for very good reason - still having access to our children? I think it will lead to problems in the long run if you allow access. If your DM wants to have a relationship with her DGC, then she must make an effort with their mother. She seems to be expecting everything on her terms. That’s not how it works.

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