Page 2 | Anyone who is NC with mother do you let them see your children?

courtrai · 21/01/2021 09:19

I'm NC with my mother but she does have contact with my 2 - however they are 15 and 18 and well aware of the emotional abuse she is capable of. I think they're well rounded enough to choose for themselves whether they want to see her. 18 y/o doesn't but 15 y/o does. We always discuss what she's been saying and correct it as necessary.

My mother was very manipulative regarding family relationships when I was a teenager and I don't want to be thought of as doing similar. They are aware of my reasons for being NC but they are able to make their own choices. I might think differently if they were younger

LaceyBetty · 21/01/2021 09:26

No way. I am not NC with my mother, but we are with another family member (DH's). Not the same, but my kids don't see this person.

LaceyBetty · 21/01/2021 09:27

Just to add, I do get that a grandmother is different, but I don't think I would feel differently about contact. There is a reason for the NC and it must be pretty drastic for such a measure.

mumtobabygilrl · 21/01/2021 09:31

We are nc with mil she is truly toxic and just dreadful to Dh throughout his life, a true narcissist through and through. We tried when DD was born, she met her once at 3 months old, then the bad behaviour started again and we are now nc. We have moved house since but she's tracked us down and sends DD birthday and Christmas gifts in post, I truly believe it's not out of caring for DD but just to remind us she has some control - they go straight in the bin, DD is 3.5years we will explain it all to her appropriately when she's older

Keep your kids away

Santaiscovidfree · 21/01/2021 09:53

I did try and allow my dc to have a relationship with my dm once. Over about 2 years as young dc... She used different names for them as apparently she didn't like my choice. Lots of secret whispering chats out of my earshot... Favouring 1 dd and leaving out ds. Trying to micro manage my parenting.. Too much to list...

Hobnobswantshernameback · 21/01/2021 10:11

Not
A
Chance
She won't damage them like she's damaged me

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/01/2021 10:17

I gave my older dc a choice.

They saw her twice and she tried to manipulate them, insulted me constantly, then when they refused to go back she called social services with some malicious claims.

They were 12 and 14 when I gave them the choice themselves. I will not let my younger dc see her at all and I hope she's dead by the time they get to the age where they can choose

lyralalala · 21/01/2021 10:25

@jollybobs89

I didn't even know grandparents rights was a thing!! That's crazy!

Gosh seems a lot of people in similar position!

Grandparents rights is not something you need to worry about.

They only apply to people like my MIL’s best friend who had custody of her GC’s for a while and then contact 3/4 times a week after that for when her DD threatened to withhold contact for a spurious reason. The rights are actually “child’s rights to a continuation of their close, important and regular relationship with their grandparent” as opposed to someone who has seen their GC twice having rights despite treating their own child like shite.

FrenchBoule · 21/01/2021 10:32

You and your kids come as a package. There’s absolutely no way that I would allow somebody (mother or not) express their strong dislike towards me and accommodate their demands to see my kids.

We’re NC with FIL.

Shake off the guilt(it’s difficult) and don’t give her any time of the day. As previous posters say she might use it later to claim grandparent rights based on relationship or worse manipulate your kids against you.

There’s a thread on Relationship forum called Stately Homes. Please have a look at it, this is for people with dysfunctional families.

Please put your kids and yourself first and make your life simple,don’t complicate it. Make the first part of your mother’s wish granted and have nothing to do with her.

Ignore all flying monkeys. It’s not them who have to endure her nastiness.

KarensChoppyBob · 21/01/2021 10:35

N*ot
A
Chance
She won't damage them like she's damaged me
*
❤️❤️❤️

KarensChoppyBob · 21/01/2021 10:36

I hope that comes across despite the bold fail x

Rainbowandscarlett · 21/01/2021 10:36

I said she could see them-but it was up to them
She only wanted to know if she could parade them round in front of other people to show what a great granny she was
She would get my dad to ring and demand to have them on x day which 90% of the time we’d made plans
She refused to have them unless other people where looking at her admiring the hard work she put into them (all false)
The final straw was when she did have them the once and left them with my toxic aunt and she left them outside on the doorstep and went out
I went nc with the lot of them and they’ve not seen her since-I sent back all birthday and Xmas presents so she kept ringing ss on me
I’ll always be in the wrong but I had to protect my babies

Nonamealoud · 21/01/2021 10:38

Nope, she has never seen them or even a pic of them, toxic will always be toxic

makingmiracles · 21/01/2021 10:40

Nope. Been completely NC for 18yrs, she knows one of my dc exists but not the other three. She was extremely abusive in every way and numerous times through my childhood I thought she was going to kill me, I would go to bed and pray I didn’t wake up every day.
No chance in hell was she having access to my children!!

Notmoreuodates5 · 21/01/2021 10:40

Interested in this thread. I think it’s complex in reality I would like to but it’s complex like any relationship.

How can you be the sole career but not have communication with the person who wants to take your child for the day. It’s not possible and I suspect more issues would be heightened.

It has to be all or nothing unfortunately.

mindutopia · 21/01/2021 11:06

Nope, and I feel absolutely no guilt about it. Well, I feel guilt that my children didn't end up with a normal, healthy grandparent, and that I didn't realise that until they were old enough to have gotten to know her a bit.

My mum does occasionally pop up and try the whole 'you are so cruel and denying me my joy in life!' routine. Sadly, she should have thought of that before she married a man she knew was a paedophile, knowingly allowed him to have contact with my dc, and also facilitated his inappropriate sexual behaviour with other children (not mine, thankfully). She thinks I'm a huge meanie, but anytime I try to remind her of the reason why, she blocks me and refuses to talk to me for months, until she pops up again demanding I send her photos of my dc to splash all over social media to make it look like she actually has a relationship with them. Nope. Not happening.

Also, grandparent's rights aren't a thing. They are a little bit in places like the US, but not in the UK, except in really unusual circumstances. Though lots of toxic people would like to think they are, as it feels like a little bit of control.

Lostinthemail · 21/01/2021 11:06

@jollybobs89

Thank you for your replies

Sorry @AnnaMagnani I'm on the verge of going down this road. I've had been there before a year once my DD was born now got two children 2 and 9 months but I've ended up getting back in touch due to brothers/sisters being involved illness etc.

Yes this is what I think. It's only a matter of time before she starts saying x y z about me to my children so why would I want that negativity around my children. Why do I feel guilty?! Does the guilt pass? I feel conditioned that because it's my mother I have to stay in contact. She's basically said I'm using the children against her and she doesn't see why my DP can't drop the kids off to her!!

She's a narc through and through

You feel guilty because the narc installed fear, obligation and guilt in you. It’s not your own feeling, it’a how she programmed you to be. If you work on your own healing it will get better, but it takes time.

Please keep your babies safe from her. Your not using them as a pawn, but keeping them away from an unhealthy and unhappy situation. She has done more than enough damage.

mindutopia · 21/01/2021 11:09

I would also say as your dc are so young, do it now, so it has no impact on them. Mine are 2 & 9 now. Older one unfortunately did get to know her and it's difficult explaining why she can't see her anymore (also because in our case, telling the truth isn't necessarily age appropriate). The toddler has no idea who she is and will be completely unscathed. It's so much easier to do it that way.

C0NNIE · 21/01/2021 11:11

Of course you will feel guilty. But the choice is yours -

Feel guilty because you knowingly let your children be emotionally damaged by an abuser

Feel guilty because you are not doing what your mother tells you

It’s up to you.

The third option - not feeling guilty at all - is available too, but usually only after time, support, counselling / therapy and some very hard work on yourself.

SparklyLeprechaun · 21/01/2021 11:29

Seems like all the responses assume the mother is some sort of monster.
To give a different perspective, a friend of mine went NC with her mother and denied her access to the DC because the mother dared suggest to her she should leave the lazy, cheating piece of shit she had married. The mother used to beg me to intercede with my friend to at least allow her to see the child, who she had provided childcare for for years.

My friend consistently refused for about 2 years, until she finally left the cocklodger. The mother was not at fault here at all, she could have been more diplomatic, maybe, but she was a decent person.

C0NNIE · 21/01/2021 11:32

@SparklyLeprechaun

Seems like all the responses assume the mother is some sort of monster. To give a different perspective, a friend of mine went NC with her mother and denied her access to the DC because the mother dared suggest to her she should leave the lazy, cheating piece of shit she had married. The mother used to beg me to intercede with my friend to at least allow her to see the child, who she had provided childcare for for years.

My friend consistently refused for about 2 years, until she finally left the cocklodger. The mother was not at fault here at all, she could have been more diplomatic, maybe, but she was a decent person.

That’s interesting but it’s the opposite of the Ops situation, so not really relevant .

In her case it’s HER MOTHER who has said that she doesn’t want to see her again. So nothing like your friend.

Lostinthemail · 21/01/2021 11:40

@SparklyLeprechaun

Seems like all the responses assume the mother is some sort of monster. To give a different perspective, a friend of mine went NC with her mother and denied her access to the DC because the mother dared suggest to her she should leave the lazy, cheating piece of shit she had married. The mother used to beg me to intercede with my friend to at least allow her to see the child, who she had provided childcare for for years.

My friend consistently refused for about 2 years, until she finally left the cocklodger. The mother was not at fault here at all, she could have been more diplomatic, maybe, but she was a decent person.

She’s a narc. To me - as a child of a narc woman myself- that is a monster. I feel very sorry for your friend’s mother, nobody should be treated that way.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/01/2021 11:41

Seems like all the responses assume the mother is some sort of monster.

Ops mother has said she doesn't want anything to do with the op. I don't think your friends situation is relevant at all here.

SparklyLeprechaun · 21/01/2021 11:56

But no one is wondering why the mother has decided to go NC. It could be she's a nutter, it could be she's got a very good reason that relates strictly to the op and has nothing to do with the children. It's not a one size fits all.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/01/2021 12:05

It doesn't matter why the mother decided that at all.

The op is the parent to her dc and gets to make the decisions, just as ops mum made decisions about her.

The reasons behind it are not for us to judge, but the fact is, it will be harmful to younger kids to regularly see a relative who actively dislikes their parent.