My partner is quitting his job. Does this make me a bad mum?

[Isitevapornot]

I’m a working mum and make most of our income. We’ve just set up a new business, and it’s taking to a lot of time. My partner is going to be quitting his job to take on childcare (something he really wants to do as he hates his job). But I’m worried him doing the childcare makes me a crappy mum.

Thoughts?

Don't be silly. Of course not.

It's not childcare - it's parenting.

Not at all! And I say this as a SAHM. He's as capable as you at looking after the kids is he not? (And if not, he soon will be!)

Are they his children?

I’m just not spending much time with my son at the moment because I’m working long hours to build our income. I feel guilty a lot of the time, but we couldn’t survive at all on my partners job as he is on minimum wage.

Yes, his children!

Don't be daft OP.
Working to provide for your dc doesn't make you a bad mum.
Anymore than your DP giving up work to look after his dc makes him a bad dad.

I think it makes you fantastic parents for modelling equality and ensuring you both provide for your children. What a wonderful lesson for your son. His future partners will thank you I am sure 😂

If anything, it’s a decision you are taking to prioritise the children giving them one stay at home parent.

The laughy face makes my post look sarcastic - sorry it’s definitely not. I meant it!

@zigaziga

If anything, it’s a decision you are taking to prioritise the children giving them one stay at home parent.

🙄 Because when 2 parents need to work to pay for the house the children live in and the food they eat, they aren't prioritising the children.

My dh was a sahp from ds being 10 weeks old. Until ds was born he had never even held a baby!! Ds is 6, we both have an amazing relationship with him. He hasn't suffered imo because I work and dh doesn't..

Who in heck voted YABU?

You are being unreasonable to think like that. However I do understand why.

Societal expectations around women being the main care givers are so deeply ingrained. It doesn’t bother all women but it does, or would, bother a great many, for their male partner to do more of the child rearing than them.

It’s not fair and it’s internalised misogyny that makes us feel this way. Your feelings are your feelings but look at them objectively alongside the facts.

I would feel the same as you and often feel that I am a terrible mother for working full time. So I didn’t post the above from a holier than thou perspective at all.

@toconclude Me, along with 90% of the other people who voted!

What am I reading?! Of course it doesn't make you a bad mum.

Don't be ridiculous. Why should women in a partnership automatically have to do the childcare?

Who in heck voted YABU?

I did sorry I meant it as YABU to worry, sorry. YANBU!

I’m going to say something a bit different here.

He’s keen to do the childcare because he hates his job. Actually I’d be expecting him to look at improving his future employability or involved in helping you grow your business.

Have you had a discussion about the division of household tasks. Attitudes to spending and what being the prominent carer looks like. I know when I was a SAHM I was very active with getting kids out whereas my DH would have been more home centric (obviously we are in lockdown at mo but this is important conversation)

How can you schedule in quality family time as well as give you both time to yourself if you want it.

Of course you're not but I do understand why you feel like this. I got so much judgement for doing shared parental leave for just four months - so going back to work full-time at six months and DH taking over at home until DS was 10 months - that it made me question whether there was something wrong with me, so I know it's hard to drown out that societal message in your head even when it's plainly ridiculous. You are doing the right thing for you all as a family and that absolutely makes you both good parents.

FFS, it would never even occur to you to ask whether a man was a bad father because he worked hard to support his family financially.

I voted YABU because you're being ridiculous.

Of course you are not unreasonable.

Having a SAHP, no matter which one, is a very valid choice, it doesn't have to be the mother, fathers are just as capable.

@AnotherEmma nobody call think a man a bad father for working, least of all the man himself. Does it not speak volumes to you about the very real inequality between men and women that the op feels so conflicted that she felt the need to post this?

Who in heck voted YABU

I presume someone who thinks the OP is being unreasonable to think herself a crappy mum

Not sure what YABU and YANBU corresponded to.
So I voted YABU because no, this won’t make you a bad mum. There is nothing wrong with a man being a SAHP. Just make sure the two of you discuss how family finances will work- he shouldn’t have to ask permission to spend £10. Also, I’d make sure he claims child benefit in his name so he gets a National Insurance credits for his state pension. You won’t need to do that because you’re working so will already have NI pension credits.