My partner is quitting his job. Does this make me a bad mum?

[Isitevapornot]

I’m a working mum and make most of our income. We’ve just set up a new business, and it’s taking to a lot of time. My partner is going to be quitting his job to take on childcare (something he really wants to do as he hates his job). But I’m worried him doing the childcare makes me a crappy mum.

Thoughts?

Good luck and I hope it works out for you. It didn't really work for us partly because I just missed the kids too much and he stuck them in bed before I got home.

@AnotherEmma

FFS, it would never even occur to you to ask whether a man was a bad father because he worked hard to support his family financially.

I voted YABU because you're being ridiculous.

Have you ever been in a situation where the woman works longer hours and the man does more of the childcare? Because I have and the comments you get (I have to say mostly from women) make you realise why the OP might feel like this - it's not something she's made up by herself.

I’d be worried in the event of a split he would be seen as the main career and could get residency.

I get hating a job but quitting and losing the income doesn’t seem a wise decision unless you really have no choice childcare wise.

Do you think every dad with a stay at home partner is a crappy parent?

I really hope that the people who apparently voted for it being reasonable to think you were a crappy mum just got the question the wrong way round by accident. This is so so so far on the side of reasonable.

By the way, me and my husband both work full time in long hours/“career” jobs. We have a nanny who is the lead in caring for the kids. This does not stop me being an awesome mum

(Most of the time........)

What? Just what? This is such as awful question op, that I actually hope you're joking. How on earth would this make you a bad mother? Does that mean every father in the role reversal is a shit father then? It's outrageous against society that you feel guilty about this. Don't.

Would you think he was a bad dad if you were the stay at home parent?

why are you worried about it OP?

Don't worry OP, I changed to 'house spouse' years ago. The industry where I worked was running down, no jobs for my kind of experience. I was getting very down about things, feeling a failure etc.
So I changed to staying home and she finished qualifying and earned sufficient wages.
Older Child was at 1st school younger one just started play group. Sure I was the only bloke collecting and helping but it worked. Only one Mummy got arsey about me being there. She got no support!!
Both DC have good jobs and they still talk to me.
Go for it!

Did you doing all the childcare before make him a shit dad?

If he were going to work and you were a SAHM would he think he’s a bad dad? No way. You are a Strong Independent Woman. And your kids will be just fine they have a full time parent caring for them and not some nanny or whatever.

Who decided that the female parent is superior to the male?

Does he want to be a full time parent to his children and look after the house and the mental load - or does he actually just want to not have to get up in the morning and work for a living?

You’re doing a great job as a mum by supporting and providing for your family and showing them the strength it takes to do it. My mother worked throughout my childhood and she is the strongest person I know. And she was still who I wanted when I was sick or hurt. Your DH is also amazing by taking on an extremely difficult and undervalued role (regardless of which parent does it). Don’t look back, focus on future.

This sounds right for your family and something you’ve worked out together.

Some people have one parent at home, mum or dad. Some people use nursery or childminders, some people use family help. None of it is wrong as long as it works for you.

But, are you ok with it? The only problem I’m seeing is that it sounds like you might want more time with your son. But if your DH is home will that mean your quality time with your son is longer?

I voted YANBU because I thought that was the option to go for it. Whoops.

My DP is at home while I work long hours in a traditionally male field. He's had a few daft comments about how wonderful it is that he's taking on the childcare, but neither of us have ever had any judgement. At least to our faces! Our DD loves telling people about what I do and that her dad looks after her and makes her tea.

My boss just went on maternity and is doing the same thing. Her DH will be at home because he earned much less. No one has batted an eyelid.

For fucks sake. What is the matter with you? What an outrageous and stupid bloody question. Are all working dads bad parents? Don’t be stupid.

Why would a parent caring for his children be a bad thing?

My sister had much higher earning power than her husband so he stayed home with the kids. He is a great dad and she is a great mom.

I wish my brother would quit his "job" to look after his children. His wife earns 1000 more than he does, has a great high flying career, he's a stay at home "artist". They have chosen to offload the kids onto a private £££ childminder 80% of the time which I think hurts the children, they'd be far better off with daddy and so would he!

That sounds ideal. Nothing makes you a better mum than teaching your children how to create a good life for themselves and in supporting your partner to take care of themselves. When my youngest was 11 months old, I went back to work, long hours, long London commute. Dh did all the parenting and school runs 3 days a week from when they got up til they went to bed. It worked great. They had a great time together and it gave him a bit of a break from his demanding work to have those shorter days and be home more. It’s been exactly the right choice for us and my dc have definitely not missed out. Actually I feel a bit sorry for all the kids at dc’s school whose mums do everything, dads never have time for the school run, come to sports day, etc. Being self employed you’ll have the flexibility to have the best of both worlds.

I really, sincerely doubt @anotheremma isn't supportive of working mums and women living under patriarchy. I'm fairly sure her post was intended as a wake-up call to the OP!

And I join that - OP, honestly, you are fine and if you feel those doubts just look at how men who have children see this issue.

I clearly wasn’t calling dads who work bad parents. Stop twisting things. Because women are always expected to be the main caregiver, I felt like I’m failing because I’m working. Nowhere did I say dads are shit parents.

🤦🏻‍♀️
Clearly I'm going to have to start pointing out the bloody obvious since people spectacularly missed my point!
I can't be arsed though, I'm with @Takemetothebar!

(But thank you @SarahAndQuack, feminist fist bump to you!)

@Gncq

I wish my brother would quit his "job" to look after his children. His wife earns 1000 more than he does, has a great high flying career, he's a stay at home "artist". They have chosen to offload the kids onto a private £££ childminder 80% of the time which I think hurts the children, they'd be far better off with daddy and so would he!

Maybe they know better than you do what works best for their own family? The idea that a lower-paid partner should give up work is just as regressive as the idea that women shouldn't work after children - and it also amounts to the same thing the majority of the time. Maybe everyone should just accept that families can order things as they see fit for their own circumstances and that neither paid childcare or a SAHP are bad or harmful choices?

Women do get a harder time from society for daring to work, especially full time, the shock and horror. And no OP, as long as you and your partner are content and happy with the arrangement, then that's all that matters. I would rather be in your position of working than being at home from a stability for the future pov.