Where did my day go so fucking wrong? I'm not enough for my kids

[desperatelyshit]

Single parent to 2 boys aged 11 & 13. I'm not enough for them. That's it. Another day ended in shouting and tears. They've been on screens pretty much all day. I'm behind in work, house is full of half done shit, we've not been for a walk. I'm just done.

Another shit week starts tomorrow and then they'll be at their dad's Thurs - Sun so it's just a wasted week with nothing to look back on that was good. I hate this.

Ds1 is being awful - laughing at me, trying to wind me up. It's worked. He's bored, looking for attention but I haven't got it.

I've cleaned, done some prep for work tomorrow, done laundry, cooked a meal, had a Zoom meeting, fixed fucking drawers on a flat pack thing I made after Christmas that then fell apart, cleaned oven (needed doing badly), there's no time. I haven't stopped but kids have been neglected. Which one of those tasks should I not have done?

He's kicking off because he has to put his laundry away and wants an Alexa to do it. There should be one in his bedroom. It's gone. How?? Why?? Where?? I can't do this anymore.

Sorry to be brief but I couldn’t read and run. You’re not alone though. I promise you that. Can you plan a pizza and a movie tomorrow evening and fuck the chores?

Parenting is fucking ridiculous. You might feel alone but you’re not.

Oh I so feel it for you. It’s just impossible these days. Tomorrow evening sit down and have a movie with the boys. The housework can wait (I’m sure most family homes are looking like a shit tip right now, I know mine is)

Oh it’s so hard especially right now when you’re all trapped together 24/7! Personally I would say sod the housework for now, it can be done when the kids are at their dads. See if you can tempt them with a takeaway pizza and a movie tomorrow evening - something funny so you can have a laugh together.

Absolutely you are enough. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it! But that's normal. My recommendation is to take a step back, and have a read of this: difficultrelationships.com/2017/02/23/a-most-helpful-principle/
Good luck!

I feel for you. I have 12 & 13yo boys. The boys can be very obstreperous & determined to point out the negative/opposite/mistake in anything and everything that passes them, and generally v teenage self-centred .

Can you send them outdoors to hang out for a bit of breathing space? Together, or with a friend - but without you. Mine sometimes get ordered to the park and don't come back for at least 45 mins or whatever.

Have you tried giving them a talk about how you feel and asking for family ideas - doing this before it all goes pear shaped?

You've probably done all this and more. .

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it's their job to learn how to separate from their parents and become a grown up, and it's not their fault their brains are still immature. If I've got the energy, I tell them that too, and remind them not to be too obnoxious while they are about it.

Tomorrow is a new day. Be kind to yourself.

It’s shit at the moment but, whatever you might see in social media, it’s shit for everyone. Of course you’re not enough. No one person can be enough for anyone (unless the anyone is possibly a newborn...even then it’s terrible).

Your kids are clean, safe, loved, fed and in a clean house. They won’t appreciate that because they’re children, but they have more than most. you’re doing brilliantly.

Every weekend I make a list of 5 or 6 items that need doing and I give it to my son. He can sleep as late as he wants, but before he gets on the computer he has to do half the items.
On Sunday, before computer, he has to do the other half.
In return, he gets to ask for one item to be cooked (or bought) for the weekend -- usually brownies or peach cobbler, sometimes tacos and I make or order it for him. Might try this. Has worked ever since my boy was age 8.

I really like that for when my Ds (6) is a bit older GeorgiaGirl52. Get them involved and have a bit of give and take.

OP I don’t have the answers (I have Dd 12 as my eldest but the challenges with her are different) but you have my sympathy. Parenting is hard! And it’s harder for one parent alone without the back up of another (or with another parent who doesn’t back you up on reasonable things).

Also, how would an Alexa put clothes away? I’m sure I’ve misread that somehow!

Thanks all - I feel a bit calmer and they're arguing in bed about whether drama is shit or not! They're not too bad at doing chores but the missing Alexa has thrown a spanner in the works - where the fuck is she?? we all have one so there shouldn't be an issue. Neither will admit to moving one but they must have...

I totally get why people say ignore the housework but I find even doing the bare minimum it ends up taking so long otherwise you live in squalor/don't eat at all well/have broken furniture, which is depressing. In the summer it can be worse as there's the garden too - October - MArch I don't go out the back! I have a never-ending job too which doesn't help.

It's hard, but as you asked, I would have waited until the end of the week to fix the drawers and clean the oven. If you want to spend time with your kids, everything that is not urgent could wait until Thursday.

I also wouldn't allow a child to be on screens all day if they had such a shitty attitude.

Don't feel guilty or in a competition with their dad. It's done. Plan for next weekend instead, get on with your own work first and do the other bits a little at a time. There's nothing else you can do!

@AndcalloffChristmas

Also, how would an Alexa put clothes away? I’m sure I’ve misread that somehow!

She wouldn't (now that would be good...) but he wanted her to play music on while he did it!

Total sympathies. I have 2 boys of similar ages, and I swear they tag team on moaning, arguing, eye rolling. And all I seem to be doing is nagging them about school work. They went to their dad’s this weekend and I could have cried when they left. Not sure if it was guilt or relief 😆.

It’s hard, so hard, so I just wanted to say, don’t beat yourself up, and try to give yourself a break! You’re not alone. I know that doesn’t help, but it’s all I’ve got xx

Do whatever you can to make life easier, that’s my only advice!

I do try and do as much as possible when they're at dad's but there's just so much. I have another flatpack thing to build which I tried to do last time they were there but there was a missing part, which has now come. Also various other household stuff and work. I try and save substantial marking/long-term planning til then as well. There's just not enough time. No matter what I do I'm chasing my tail all the time and shit like this happens. Like yesterday we had an issue with an essential service that took me 2 fucking hours of being on hold/on call and following instructions. That just put everything out to be honest. I just wish we could go for a day out.

You sound worn out. Life is TOUGH at the moment. Not everything can always be rainbows but your DSs know you love them and that’s what counts. Tomorrow is another day.

you have done loads!! Dont be so hard on yourself. !any people are in the same boat. My two are watching far too much TV at the moment. But what can you do? They are in the house all day absolutely destroying it so there's even more housework to do.. my husband works from home some days so that causes even more stress have to keep them quiet.. they are fractious because its a scary time... its a shitshow. If you think the majority of parents are coping well you are wrong.
Look at that list of things you did. You did well actually. Dont get down on yourself just keep trying. You are enough for your kids, because they are fed, they are safe and warm, and they are loved. They are just also living thru a pandemic where they have been cooped up inside and are turning into feral monsters!

I'm not asking you to hack off a limb just put your clothing away, is a phrase i use a lot

Perhaps when you tidy up you will find alexa? Or the faithful standby im not actually caring about the words coming out of your mouth right now just get it done

You have my sympathy im currently ignoring my 12 year old sons room ive walked in and said rubbish in bin please and legged it fast he won't do it one day he might suprise me

Can’t they put the flat pack together for you ,there’s 2 of them ,and instructions..
I’d be giving them more responsibility,get them cooking a family meal once a week each ,one cooks ,the other washes up ,let’s you off doing it twice a week .
One hoovers the other fixes something..you even of paid them to clean the oven ..it gives you more time to do something else .

It is rough when time off together is so limited.

I had a bad ibs attack last night which totally wiped me out today. Feels such a waste!

Yanbu, rince and reset, just get through to Thursday and then take some reset time for you x

The fact that you don't feel enough even after doing so much is very much proof that you are enough. It's hard but it's not forever.

@desperatelyshit I could be wrong but I get the impression from your comments that you are a teacher. My DS is a toddler so I tend to involve him in chores but I also leave all building of furniture for when he’s not around or is asleep. I’m certain you’re not a shit mom, but as a teacher I try to do as little as possible at home (or out of work hours in the current situation) and thus force myself to be more productive during work hours. If I do any work it is always in the evenings once my son is in bed. I also do most seriously cleaning in the evening and only do things like dishwashers, laundry and hoovering etc. during my son’s waking hours. I regularly leave stuff far longer than it should be left but the hoovering and general cleaning is done at least once a week and deeper cleans are really only ever done during the holidays or when I’m in a random (rate) cleaning frenzy.

I’m a single mum to boys the same age
Duck me it’s hard work
I remember them as little boys and weep ! This is the toughest part OP
They have decided to camp in
Living room tonight and I’m letting them
But my elder one
Jesus he is hard work and argues like a barrister

Plan some nice stuff when they go to dads
It’s a hard age at the best of times

sorry to hear it op I feeling pretty drained at the thought of a new week too, I've cleaned my oven twice in15 years, I think I live in squalor! hope you week improves you're. it alone, second move and pizza night tomorrow or something of that ilk if only to bribe your boys with!

argh too tired to type, you're not alone i meant