Where did my day go so fucking wrong? I'm not enough for my kids

[desperatelyshit]

Single parent to 2 boys aged 11 & 13. I'm not enough for them. That's it. Another day ended in shouting and tears. They've been on screens pretty much all day. I'm behind in work, house is full of half done shit, we've not been for a walk. I'm just done.

Another shit week starts tomorrow and then they'll be at their dad's Thurs - Sun so it's just a wasted week with nothing to look back on that was good. I hate this.

Ds1 is being awful - laughing at me, trying to wind me up. It's worked. He's bored, looking for attention but I haven't got it.

I've cleaned, done some prep for work tomorrow, done laundry, cooked a meal, had a Zoom meeting, fixed fucking drawers on a flat pack thing I made after Christmas that then fell apart, cleaned oven (needed doing badly), there's no time. I haven't stopped but kids have been neglected. Which one of those tasks should I not have done?

He's kicking off because he has to put his laundry away and wants an Alexa to do it. There should be one in his bedroom. It's gone. How?? Why?? Where?? I can't do this anymore.

A teenage boy is a difficult animal! I have one myself and have been having issues with him this week. I can’t wait until he can go back to school (and I’m saying this as a teacher). It’s bloody hard and I’m a single parent too so I really sympathise x

I feel your pain. My 2 are 14 and 10 and sometimes my 14 year old just likes to strip at times. Whereas my 10 year old just wants to be with you all the time.
During this lockdown we've taken turns to do the ironing, made a rota for cooking and most importantly massively lowered my standards.
Bad days Some days as long as everyone is fed, we have clean pants, a clean kitchen and toilet then we're doing ok. Anything else is a bonus.
I get more done some days than others.

I feel your pain. Single parenting is SO hard. Shit takes hours to do and horrible to miss nice times with the kids. You're doing bloody brilliantly to have all that sorted. Here's to a better day tomorrow

Now they are up most of the evening, or all of it, so it's just more time for them to be on screens or us not to be doing lovely things, and for me to feel guilty about.

What are these 'lovely things'?

Honestly, families are not like that.

If your family members are the kind who like their screens, go with that.

Meanwhile, do your own thing too. Relax. You don't have to be Mother Hen 24/7. Your boys may stop treating you badly if they think you have a life and interests of your own, even if it's just Pinterest.

If you desperately want to connect with your boys, maybe get involved in some game they play online?

Screens + no walks + nothing achieved won’t kill them.

It won't kill them but it may stuff up their mental health irreparably. Parents who feel guilt about screens have the right instinct, imo.

If they want screens, make them earn it. You have chores that need doing and boys who want screentime. Make those two objectives line up. Write a list of the chores then get them to chose 2 per day. Both need doing, plus some exercise, before the screens come on.

Just caught ds13 on his Xbox. Meant to be asleep obvs. He's not tired because I went out for a walk today and DH didn't bother to get him up as I asked him to . So he ended up getting up at 12.30. He is going to be shattered tomorrow and it's another full week of home schooling him and his sister plus my own work. I could cry. You are certainly not alone , it is shit but we are all trying our best x

Kids are right little shits. Just throw yourself on the floor outside their room sobbing hysterically. They will soon come out mortified and try to do anything to help!

It's hard to do "lovely things" for everyone at the moment and doubly hard with teens. We managed a couple of board games today (but no oven cleaning or drawer mending) and that's a big win. It's shit. It's not you, it's really not. I think this coming week is going to be a tough one too. One day at a time, it's just survival until they are back to school and seeing their friends properly.

Also got a teenage boy behaving like a total shitbag right now because I told him to turn his xbox off at 11.40pm on a school night. I said he needed to turn it off at 11pm from now on and he laughed in my face. His behaviour is so difficult right now and now I can look forward to another showdown at 11pm Monday.

It's not you, it's really not

And I"m stealing this advice from @Murmurur above me because right now it feels like it's all me getting it wrong. It's always reassuring to be reminded you're not the only one having a shit time. Sorry you're going through it right now too @desperatelyshit

I really feel for you OP and can relate completely. I am also a lone parent but with one young teen DD and I often feel like you, I also have a never-ending job (always behind and completely stressed) and when I am not working I am doing housework and home admin. I have become a really grumpy, harassed parent and I hate being like that.

Just ordered mine to get off his Xbox! We both have to be up early for online lessons and he is driving me insane!!!

Be kind to yourself, stop focusing on what you haven’t done. Draw a line under today and do the best you can for the rest of the week. You’re not alone

Parenting a a nightmare.

You have my sympathies.

I think working and home-schooling in lockdown must be impossible. and I'm sure you are doing a better job than you think.

However some suggestions: Try giving your sons more responsibility - Son, I need you to start being a man and stop being a spoilt little smart-arse.

A 13 year old can build a flat-pack. Don't show them how to do it. Ask them to show you how to do it - make mansplaining your friend.

Tell them you are struggling and need their help (men/teens like to come to the aid of damsels, even mothers, in distress)

Involve them in the planning of the day and the running of the house, not just the chores, but deciding what needs to be prioritised and done.

Perhaps get them to plan the next weekend walk. Get them to organise it, plan the route, go somewhere new, keep a record of distance and time - whatever interests them. Let them be in charge of getting you off the couch or away from the hoover rather then vice -versa.

There were 2 things I tried with barrack room lawyers as they were called many years ago. First, I explained that winning an argument did not mean you were right it just meant you were the better arguer/ debater. Second, I used to ask them to try and argue my point for me - bit like a barrister having to stop prosecuting the case and start defending it. Much to my initial surprise, that worked well with one very competitive and argumentative child I had. She enjoyed the intellectual challenge.

PS - I can't think of a more manly chore than cleaning the oven, unless you've only got pink marigolds. You need to get some heavy duty, manly gloves and then away they, or the elder, will go.
If you've got a garden - this Spring they take over the heavy work. 13 year old boys aren't going to weed, but they love a lawn-mower.

@desperatelyshit

I do try and do as much as possible when they're at dad's but there's just so much. I have another flatpack thing to build which I tried to do last time they were there but there was a missing part, which has now come. Also various other household stuff and work. I try and save substantial marking/long-term planning til then as well. There's just not enough time. No matter what I do I'm chasing my tail all the time and shit like this happens. Like yesterday we had an issue with an essential service that took me 2 fucking hours of being on hold/on call and following instructions. That just put everything out to be honest. I just wish we could go for a day out.

Do they help with much?

They're old enough to learn about the joy of flatpacks...

And can you get one Alexa to track other Alexas?

You are enough. You are doing just as well as anyone. That in itself is amazing. Sending love.

Sounds like one of those days (weeks, months). You are enough.

I agree with some of the other posters, teens can do jobs like building flat pack (my son has built a bedside cabinet and outdoor furniture at age 13), and also clean the oven. He has only done this once so far and I have asked him to have another go this week as it is ready again. He said he will. It might take a couple of weeks before he gets around to it but thats ok, He puts in his headphones and sits down to do it but I don’t care, it gets it done. He would mich rather do big one off jobs than help with general cleaning.

If your kids are going to their dads and you feel they want your time now, I would make a list for next weekend (saving the furniture repairs or major cleaning) and do something with them. Order a takeaway or have a lounge picnic or buffet tea and watch a film or series with them. It will benefit you all. Listen if they want to show you a video on you tube. I have to ask DS to do things a million times some days before he does it but I don’t tend to get mad and we don’t really argue. I just ask (and ask) and he eventually does it. Putting clothes away, picking up dirty clothes, bringing pots/cans downstairs etc. I get he would rather do something else but he has to at least look after himself and his space a bit and he seems to get it. DS doesn’t go to his Dads so sometimes house stuff just has to wait as I work full time, especially now with home schooling. Just do your best OP, that is all any of us can do.

I never quite get this angst on MN about making teenagers go for a walk
Well, they do need to take SOME exercise. If they are into yoga or do HIIT on the TV or their own football training in the park or they are a trainee MAMIL then that's great but if they are not motivated to do that off their own bat then it is kind of up to the parents to make sure they do something.

Ah @Rae36 that sounds exhausting. It's not you. Hang in there girl.

We had tears by 9.15 this morning.

Glad I helped @Newnamemyname. I realised afterwards I was a bit hypocritical as there’s no way my own kids are in a clean house! The rest is mostly true though....

To all of those struggling with late night gamers I can highly recommend programing your router to deny access after a certain time to specific devices. It stops those daily battles!!