Where did my day go so fucking wrong? I'm not enough for my kids

[desperatelyshit]

Single parent to 2 boys aged 11 & 13. I'm not enough for them. That's it. Another day ended in shouting and tears. They've been on screens pretty much all day. I'm behind in work, house is full of half done shit, we've not been for a walk. I'm just done.

Another shit week starts tomorrow and then they'll be at their dad's Thurs - Sun so it's just a wasted week with nothing to look back on that was good. I hate this.

Ds1 is being awful - laughing at me, trying to wind me up. It's worked. He's bored, looking for attention but I haven't got it.

I've cleaned, done some prep for work tomorrow, done laundry, cooked a meal, had a Zoom meeting, fixed fucking drawers on a flat pack thing I made after Christmas that then fell apart, cleaned oven (needed doing badly), there's no time. I haven't stopped but kids have been neglected. Which one of those tasks should I not have done?

He's kicking off because he has to put his laundry away and wants an Alexa to do it. There should be one in his bedroom. It's gone. How?? Why?? Where?? I can't do this anymore.

Pringlemonster beat me to it. I would also suggest giving them responsibility for putting up the flat pack. They might actually enjoy it and give you some time to do something else

We do very similar to @GeorgiaGirl52 with my DS who is 9 and has ADHD and can be challenging. He now asks what are his jobs for the day. He changes his sheets and brings down his washing every weekend. The first time we asked him to do it it took 3 hours and lots of throwing. Now it takes about 5 minutes.
Also, just 10 minutes of taking an interest in what they are doing goes a long way. I've been trying to follow a book on children's anxiety (as DS has this and DD a bit as well). It suggests you do something they want to do but not screen time and just give them positive attention without trying to teach them (it messes with your relationship with your DCs so much trying to teach them, as we all know).
Good luck and personally I am quite basic in what I regard as essential round the house. DH tells me off for not cleaning the oven but we did go for a long walk today.

I could have written your post @desperatelyshit. I have 3 dc who are at their dad’s until later and it’s fucking relentless, the treadmill of covering the basics while your kids remind you of how much you suck and seem to actively undo all your hard work/tidying/refereeing etc. I think you are doing brilliantly - you have achieved a lot more in a day than I generally do, AND you work outside the home whereas I currently do not. Hugs, I get it.

he is hard work and argues like a barrister
Am I the only one who wondered how a banister can argue?

@drspouse, maybe DH can clean the oven if he finds its current state problematic...

Oh love, you’re a hero. It’s hard right now, it’s hard with tweens and teens, and to be on your own. Bloody hell you’re amazing.

I can’t offer advice right now (I will think though) but didn’t want to read and run x you’re amazing.

I only have 1 teenager, but I do ask him to do chores. Some are expected - eg laying the table, cleaning away after a meal (I think it is important that he know at least how to load a dishwasher and know where things live in which cupboard)

But he also earns money for other chores. Cleans his bathroom every other week. £5 per clean. Or washing my car.

He likes technology so is happy to steam clean a room. So I hoover, he steam cleans. I have just bought a robo vac - we have a new-ish cat and the cat hair has had me in a major depression - so teenager's job was to work out to use the thing and now he loves setting off, trying different programmes etc.

He's asked me to show him how to use the washing machine - so that will be the next task. He is beginning to realise how much it takes to run a house, eat properly. We have our moments but sort them out pretty quick. But what I will not put up with is unnecessary rudeness. So he is having to learn that if he is annoyed he needs to find a way to either speak to me about it or go off elsewhere quietly for a bit.

Breathe, like stop - and breathe and count up until 100.
Flatpack - why aren't your boys helping you? explain to them about teamwork, my 5 and 9 year old have been helping me with flatpacks.
Pizza and movies and forgetting work is a good idea - do it.
Forget the walk, take a football and a frisbee to the nearest field, they need to burn off some steam.

Walk on your own with a podcast when you have a chance.
Breathe - for as the mumsnet mantra goes, this to shall pass.

You're all lovely

Yes, I am a teacher. It is much harder having toddlers but... I remember when they used to go to bed and it was a good 3-4 hours before I used to go too. Now they are up most of the evening, or all of it, so it's just more time for them to be on screens or us not to be doing lovely things, and for me to feel guilty about.

I just feel in the 13 or so hours we were all up today there was time to do so much more...but there wasn't or anyway we didn't.

I must say though that ds1 did help massively with the flatpack - there were bits I couldn't have worked out without him, though he flatly denied enjoying it but I'm pretty sure he did. I've got another 2 waiting and one's his new double bed so I might see if we can do that tomorrow as it's definitely a job for 2.

I can’t believe the amount of people saying that the OP should sack off the housework, or do it when they’re at their dads! The way to free up some of the OPs time to spend with her kids is to get them to pull their weight with the housework.

My eldest is only 10, rising 11, but my rule for him is: The more attitude I get, the less screen time you will get. Hopefully this will bear fruit...

Also, I strongly believe that doing chores is good for them, and gives them a sense of responsibility and purpose. Especially something like cooking dinner, where they get to choose what to cook, plan what ingredients they need in advance, etc.

You're doing so much. Well done!
Sadly, they're doing their job of being teens/tweens and trying to get attention through demanding/difficult behaviour. Have a read or listen to 'Get Out of My Life But First Take Alex and Me To Town'. It really helped me to see when DS was deliberately pushing my buttons and what he was trying to achieve - sometimes it's connection.Sometimes it's delaying a task they don't want to do.
Can you get them to help with the flat pack furniture? I sometimes do that with DS. Tbh he's not that helpful but he's in the same room and learning a little bit of life skills and regardless how little he contributes, he feels he's helped build something
Ditto with laundry. It's trying to carve out some space/time together even when doing the mundane.

I think what I'm realising this week is that I had a lot of systems set up to make sure the boring bits of life get done through the week - like I had a cleaner who now can't come, DH used to do all the food shopping on his way home from work, we would do any picking up stuff type chores in the evening, we'd even walk the dog later... everything just feels out of whack now.

That means a lot of shit needs to get done at the weekend and it's making us all miserable. I don't actually have a solution, maybe the best idea is to clump it all together on the Saturday and at least try to get out for a walk/play games on the Sunday or something. Life sucks right now, but you are enough. You are always enough.

I am totally there with you tonight op. My two are 6 and 9 and today has been a shitshow. I checked out mentally after arguments about screentime, and just watched TV most the day but I just couldn't give anymore. I'm so tired of doing everything alone with no respite in the form of social contact with friends. I just want to hibernate for a few months and feel like a shit parent for wanting that. and life is fucking tough at the moment

I know how you feel. for me it feels like it's the six weeks holiday on a loop over and over and over again 😫

OP, I think you’re setting yourself impossible standards. I’ve cleaned my oven once in the five years I’ve lived here and the cupboard in the hall has been broken since November.

Also, it sounds like you’re a teacher which means you have a lot on your plate atm.

Firstly, you need to be giving your ds more responsibility. No screens until their jobs are done. Get them to mend the flat pack thing, or do it together etc etc.

I don’t think anyone can live up to the standards you’re setting. An hour in the morning of all hands on deck doing chores and it will last until they go to their dad’s.

If the clothes aren’t put away the world won’t end. Ours often sit in baskets.

@Hobbes8

Thank you for your post. I feel the same as OP but do you know what... your last paragraph hit the nail on the head.

"Your kids are clean, safe, loved, fed and in a clean house. They won’t appreciate that because they’re children, but they have more than most. you’re doing brilliantly."

I really needed to hear that right now, and as single parents or not we're all just trying to do our best through what is a really shit and uncertain time. But I believe if we give our children the above ^^ they'll be ok

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@drspouse, maybe DH can clean the oven if he finds its current state problematic...[/quote]
Don't worry, he does! It's usually after a spectacular dish overflow of mine he notices but he could cook instead if he wanted too.

I have 4 kids ages from 2/13 and I feel like banging my head all I have done today is shout tried to clean cooked a nice tea yo be told I didn't want that. My 13 year old son can argue til the cows come home me and him clash so much I try so hard not to but he knows what button to press. Its so hard for every one and its good to know everyone is in the same boat I go to sleep hoping the next day will be better 🙊

Sounds really rough.

Also it sounds like you do loads, to be honest I haven’t cleaned the oven in about a year 😬

You are enough, you're just stressed and doing what Mums do - blaming yourself for everything!

We're all swamped at the moment so please take comfort in the fact that we have all or will all feel like this in the coming few weeks/months.

Please try to take care of yourself in the evenings and PLEASE sack jobs like bloody oven cleaning right off for the foreseeable!! Life's hard enough!!

I agree with the previous poster who suggested more quality family time. A movie night, indoor camping, a games night and a takeaway - who cares what it is so long as you get to spend some FUN time with your kids.

It's so easy to just see the shitty behaviour and homeschooling at the moment but we're all having it tough, including the kids so give yourself and them a break, hun.x.

Some practical tips you may be on already. I'm also a teacher but children are younger.

Marking- just a ball ache and takes forever. I'm sure you're doing the usual walk around with a green pen stuff. Can you do any on your commute or do you drive? Schedule it into your work calendar. Self assess/ peer assess and concentrate on the feedback that actually counts. Marking stickers for repetitive feedback.

Cleaning- yes to involving them. My 7 year old has to help out. Teach them how to do the chore first so less frustrating. Maybe try Team TOMM? Also if budget stretches then have a one off clean even if you can't get a weekly cleaner. Oven cleaning (stand-alone) costs £50 in London for back to new standard.

Sometimes we split the weekend so one day is planned to be more chores heavy and one reserved for a fun activity.

Meals - they are old enough to cook or assemble one night a week. Order some Cook freezer meals or something else easy. Recipe boxes or spice kits.

None of these ideas may suit but I suppose my point is to see if there are any ways to simplify your life / put some systems in to make it easier as it sounds like a hard gig being a single parent to two teens.

I feel your pain. I'm also a single parent to 13 year old son who is autistic and challenging and 11 year old daughter and a dog.
Mine spend a lot of our weekends together on screens and it's a massive task to get my son out. I managed to get them out on a bike ride today but it was very challenging to get my son to come. Dd and I waited over an hour for him to finish an xbox game for him then to say he wasn't coming (always happens) I called his bluff said we were going without him and he finally agreed to come. That alone is exhausting, never mind all the other stuff you have to do as a single parent.
Everything in my flat seems to be breaking at the moment, we got locked in the lounge for a while thanks to a dodgy door handle, which I've tried to fix numerous times...
I feel like you sometimes that I'm not doing enough with them but tbh they are quite happy doing their own thing and I try not to be too hard on myself. It's bloody hard work doing everything solo!
Be kind to yourself, you're doing a great job x