Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sounding parents out re house deposit support

67 replies

fretfree · 17/01/2021 17:53

So I just sounded out my parents about whether they might be in a position to provide an interest free loan to help get the necessary deposit for a house. This was just an initial conversation to gauge whether it was at all something that we might be able to take into account when looking at the budget.

My DH has thrown a complete wobbler that he was not consulted before I asked them about it. IABU to think WTF?

OP posts:
Baxer · 17/01/2021 17:55

Are your parents in a financial position where they could afford to help you out? Have they ever given any indication that they would be prepared to do this?

M0rT · 17/01/2021 17:56

It's not a done deal, you just asked if it would be possible.
Not point consulting him if your parents dont have it to give.
Although I will say these things can bring up a lot for partners, either dented pride at not being able to do it all alone or comparisons with their own family who can't/won't help.
My parents helped because they could, although they offered I wouldn't have asked.
My DH took a while to come round to the idea, partly because it just isn't the done thing in his family and it felt a bit overwhelming I think.

MrsWooster · 17/01/2021 17:56

“Consulted” would make me twitch a bit, but I definitely think you should have discussed it with him.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 17/01/2021 17:56

It wouldn't have been hard to mention it to him before doing it, would it? Since it would affect him too

lastqueenofscotland · 17/01/2021 17:56

Assuming the house was for you and your DH I would definitely have mentioned it to him... I personally would not be comfortable borrowing large sums of money from my IL

leafygarden42 · 17/01/2021 17:57

Yeah - you should have spoken to your husband first.

Godimabitch · 17/01/2021 17:58

Have they ever offered this?
If not, then I think you were unreasonable.
Also, maybe your husband doesn't want to borrow money off his in laws. There are lots of legal implications.

bloodywhitecat · 17/01/2021 17:58

I would've talked to my DP about it first too.

Physer · 17/01/2021 18:00

Seems reasonable to find out how the land lies before getting DH's hopes up. Though if it was something your parents were keen to do they would probably have mentioned it before.
We told our DC when they went to uni that we could pay their way through uni or give them a house deposit, but not both.

Saz12 · 17/01/2021 18:02

OP - I agree that you shouldn’t have been “sounding them out” at all, if they wanted to help they’d have offered, surely?
And definitely unfair to do it without discussion with DH. What if he didn’t want to ask to borrow from your parents?

Calmandmeasured1 · 17/01/2021 18:03

You are totally unreasonable. I would expect you and your husband to discuss this. You are supposed to be a partnership.

CC2021 · 17/01/2021 18:04

I wouldn't be happy if DH did this without talking to me. I wouldn't have wanted to borrow lots of money off my in laws to buy our house. YABVU.

Floralnomad · 17/01/2021 18:06

I think most people would have discussed it before speaking to anyone else , unless of course you have completely separate finances and are planning to buy on your own without your husband being involved financially .

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 17/01/2021 18:08

Why would you not mention it?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 17/01/2021 18:09

You may have been unreasonable to not speak to him first.
He is over reacting

mindutopia · 17/01/2021 18:09

I think that's fine, but keep in mind that having a 'loan' from your parents can make it tricky when getting a mortgage. It's much easier when it's a gift and clearly stated as such. Even having a parental gift can make it hard to get a mortgage.

partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 18:10

Better to have mentioned it, but you were just sounding them out. I’d apologise but not allow him to make a huge deal of it.

Daphnise · 17/01/2021 18:11

If you are going to ask others for money, why not discuss it with your husband first?

Did your grandparents give your parents their deposit too?

Turnedouttoes · 17/01/2021 18:12

YABU no way would I be buying a house that I needed help from the in laws to purchase

Butchyrestingface · 17/01/2021 18:13

Are your parents still working? Unless they are zillionaires (in which case, fill your boots) I wouldn't be asking anyone to part with large amounts of cash in the current climate.

That doesn't seem to be what your partner is kicking off about though.

Butchyrestingface · 17/01/2021 18:14

What was your parents' response btw, @fretfree?

Jelly0naplate · 17/01/2021 18:21

YABVU to have had this conversation with your parents and put them in the position of feeling like they have to offer to help and for not discussing such an issue with your partner first.

Original poster
fretfree · 17/01/2021 18:22

Thanks for the comments! Really useful.

I realise from the responses that focus on my parents that I did not provide enough details - they have always said they would and they did the same for my sibling.

Yes, maybe his pride has been dented - especially as 80% of the amount we do have comes from assets I had before we were married.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 17/01/2021 18:23

I think it's fine to ask them, they're your parents. I mean if you took the loan without talking to him that would be unreasonable but just to raise the subject is fine. You don't have to run everything you talk to your parents about by him.

EmilyInParis · 17/01/2021 18:28

I think you should've had a conversation with him about it first if it's a house in joint names you wish to purchase