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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sounding parents out re house deposit support

67 replies

fretfree · 17/01/2021 17:53

So I just sounded out my parents about whether they might be in a position to provide an interest free loan to help get the necessary deposit for a house. This was just an initial conversation to gauge whether it was at all something that we might be able to take into account when looking at the budget.

My DH has thrown a complete wobbler that he was not consulted before I asked them about it. IABU to think WTF?

OP posts:

SirGawain · 17/01/2021 18:33

You should have discussed something so important, which concerns you both.

PortalooSunset · 17/01/2021 18:41

Anything financial should be a joint decision, so yup I can see why he's miffed you didn't discuss with him first.

Lollypop701 · 17/01/2021 18:42

You’re running the financial show, and you’re a partnership. Yes you should have discussed it. How would you feel if the positions were reversed? Running the financials can be a powerful position in a relationship, men have historically taken this position. It’s healthier to make joint decisions

Whiskysoda · 17/01/2021 18:47

Yes, maybe his pride has been dented - especially as 80% of the amount we do have comes from assets I had before we were married

And here comes the drip feed!

I’d never make arrangements to buy anything more major than a toaster without involving my DH.

VimFuego101 · 17/01/2021 18:49

Yes, you should have discussed with him first. I would be very uncomfortable at being beholden to my in-laws.

Onedaysomedaynowadays · 17/01/2021 18:54

I'd be miffed if my OH had done this without mentioning it first and Id need to be really desperate before borrowing money from family. Much rather stand on my own feet and live somewhere smaller, cheaper etc

GabsAlot · 17/01/2021 19:00

wouldnt bother me-my parents gave us our deposit

was a lot cheaper then tgo be fair

NastyBlouse · 17/01/2021 19:03

I think it depends on your overall family dynamic but I’m erring on the side of unreasonable here.

For DH and me, we’re the team, not me and my parents. That stopped the day I left home. It means information and decisions are pooled between DH and me, and discussed before we act.

(Personally I wouldn’t ask my parents for a house deposit loan but that’s our situation and no aspersions cast on people doing it differently.)

I’m not surprised if he feels a bit diminished or cut out of a major financial decision process.

In my world it would also be a bit cheeky asking for an interest-free loan. If it was offered — great. But a loan of this size with no interest paid, they’re effectively losing their own money over time.

Saz12 · 17/01/2021 19:10

DH is an adult, and wants to behave as one. That includes having a say in finances. And maybe even being independent of parents. Like grown-ups are.

In his shoes I’d be mad as hell. Like you, our deposit (DH and I) was almost all savings of mine from pre-marriage.

BlueThistles · 17/01/2021 19:40

Yip... you should have spoken to him... you've embarrassed him OP 🌺

IwantToDatePicard · 17/01/2021 19:46

I don't think you need to consult with your husband on anything you discuss with your parents. I like to think my DC can discuss anything with me, married or not.

BlueThistles · 17/01/2021 19:52

@IwantToDatePicard

I don't think you need to consult with your husband on anything you discuss with your parents. I like to think my DC can discuss anything with me, married or not.

that is not the same situation at all ... of course She can speak to her parents without him knowing why...

but it's a financial conversation that affects her Husband too...

It's a very situ 🌺

LolaSmiles · 17/01/2021 19:59

I would be annoyed if my DH went to his parents discussing our finances without consulting me.

When you're married you're a partnership and your spouse should be in the know regarding big financial decisions and situations.

If I was your DH in this situation then I'd feel hurt and your comments about his ego are unpleasant. Whether you intend to or not, the message I would take is 'my wife isn't content with our life and our position which is why she has gone to her parents behind my back'.

Say your parents say yes so you can have the house you want, where does they leave your husband? What if he doesn't want to feel beholden to your parents? Now he has to run with it so you can have what you want with a bigger budget, or he has to decline their assistance which risks tensions.

Catty1720 · 17/01/2021 20:02

Consulted but bossy but yes you should have spoken to him first

Catty1720 · 17/01/2021 20:04

Bit not but

Whatisthis543 · 17/01/2021 20:06

I do think it would have been nice to give him a heads up that you’re sounding them out, especially as it’s quite likely they’d say yes as per your next post. He might have very different views to you on borrowing from family. I don’t think it’s a huge deal but I would acknowledge that you should’ve chatted first x

RowanAlong · 17/01/2021 21:55

Fine to ask, but you’re in a team first and foremost with him, not with your parents, so I can see why he’s a bit annoyed you didn’t discuss it first!

Terracottasaur · 17/01/2021 21:59

I would definitely have spoken to my husband about it first, but I don’t think it’s an egregious offence given your parents had previously indicated their support.

Physer · 17/01/2021 22:00

If they have already made the offer then I'm surprised you hadn't mentioned it to him before. As others have said it's very different having a loan than a gift.

Also beware on MN of huge resentment from those who got no help from parents.
My parents and DHs were very poor and we actually supported them. We are better off and happy to pass that on to our DC.

You may find mortgage lenders not happy if there is another loan involved. A gift must be without strings. We gifted our DC money a couple of years ago which they have added to.

I’d never make arrangements to buy anything more major than a toaster without involving my DH This is a bit extreme unless money is seriously tight. My DH wouldn't be remotely interested in knowing what I bought.

CakeRequired · 17/01/2021 22:01

I think that's fine, but keep in mind that having a 'loan' from your parents can make it tricky when getting a mortgage. It's much easier when it's a gift and clearly stated as such. Even having a parental gift can make it hard to get a mortgage.

This. Our solicitors advised that we call it a 'gift', which technically means we don't have to pay it back, but we aren't assholes so we are obviously. It just saves problems and you can still pay it back, we do.

RedskyBynight · 17/01/2021 22:05

Absolutely unreasonable not to talk to him first. There may be very good reasons why he doesn't want to borrow money from them. I'd personally not want to borrow money from anyone full stop if I could avoid it. And wouldn't borrow from my parents because they would make sure we had to be grateful for it forever. And it would be perfectly reasonable for DH to point these things out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2021 22:09

Why didn’t you talk to him first?

Soontobe60 · 17/01/2021 22:13

Both my DDs asked if we could help them buy their first homes. We were more than happy to do so. I don't know if they asked their partners for permission to speak to me first - I didn’t bring them up to expect permission from the men in their lives TBH! Neither did I ask my dh, their father, if we could give them the money.

MaizeBlouse · 17/01/2021 22:16

YABU op. Seems to me like you just steamed ahead without consulting him and now he's been left out of the loop and feels hurt by it. i wouldn't like this if my DP did the same. You're a partnership and are supposed to talk about these things together.

MichelleScarn · 17/01/2021 22:17

So would it be a gift or would they be expecting to have say in the house? That's what would worry me in this situation!

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