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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sounding parents out re house deposit support

67 replies

fretfree · 17/01/2021 17:53

So I just sounded out my parents about whether they might be in a position to provide an interest free loan to help get the necessary deposit for a house. This was just an initial conversation to gauge whether it was at all something that we might be able to take into account when looking at the budget.

My DH has thrown a complete wobbler that he was not consulted before I asked them about it. IABU to think WTF?

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 17/01/2021 22:18

I don't know if they asked their partners for permission to speak to me first - I didn’t bring them up to expect permission from the men in their lives TBH! Neither did I ask my dh, their father, if we could give them the money.
I find it more bizarre that you seem to think that it's the norm for couples to go behind each others backs where large sums of money are concerned.

For me it isn't about having permission from a man. This isn't a feminist issue. It's an issue of trust and respect in a relationship. I value my husband and we are the team and our finances are ours, not mine and my parents', not him and his parents', ours. This means that joint financial matters are for us as a couple to establish first and foremost.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/01/2021 22:18

Maybe his pride has been dented - especially as 80% of the amount we do have comes from assets I had before we were married

Perhaps his pride's been dented even more by the message that only you can deal with these things and that he's not in a position to be consulted?

notanothertakeaway · 17/01/2021 22:22

In his shoes, I would be concerned in case gifts come with strings attached

Pechanga · 17/01/2021 22:46

You absolutely should have had this discussion with your DH before you spoke to your parents. I'd be furious and embarrassed if I was him.

HazyJuly · 17/01/2021 22:54

A loan of an kind cannot be used for a deposit

You and your parents would have to do a declaration declaring it as a gift without reservation

fpurplea · 17/01/2021 23:13

You absolutely should have talked to him about it first. Doesn't matter if it was just a "sound out", you've essentially gone to your parents and told them that he is incapable of providing for you, so would they be able to instead? I'd be mortified.

BlueThistles · 18/01/2021 00:12

@Soontobe60

Both my DDs asked if we could help them buy their first homes. We were more than happy to do so. I don't know if they asked their partners for permission to speak to me first - I didn’t bring them up to expect permission from the men in their lives TBH! Neither did I ask my dh, their father, if we could give them the money.

This is a very twisted translation of the OP's post.... 🤔

what you are describing is coercive controlling behaviour and that is certainly not what is happening here...

OP has embarrassed her Husband by not telling him she had approached her parents for financial help for the deposit...

its that simple... 🌺

HeddaGarbled · 18/01/2021 00:30

In my view, you absolutely should have talked to him first. If your parents had raised it, that’s different - you could then have reported the offer to him and discussed it together. “Sounded them out” is an evasion: you’ve asked them for money, just not been specific about how much and when yet.

If your husband wants to buy a house independently from your parents, I don’t think he’s wrong and I don’t think it’s false pride: I think it’s admirable.

You should value him for not wanting to sponge off your parents.

lyralalala · 18/01/2021 00:30

I think it's massively unreasonable not to discuss where the money for a house purchase is potentially coming from with the person you are buying it with.

Some people don't like borrowing from in laws or parents.

myhobby · 18/01/2021 00:33

YABU - you asked for a loan on his behalf. Without him even knowing

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2021 00:36

Did he know you were going to ask but expected to be there, or had you not mentioned your parents previously?

caringcarer · 18/01/2021 02:05

My Dad offered me the deposit to buy my house as a gift. I thought about it long and hard before mentioning it to my first DH. I just knew he would get defensive about it. In the end first DH finally agreed we would take it but only if would repay it if ever we sold the house.

Ikora · 18/01/2021 02:28

Of course you should have spoken to him you are married. Monetary loans or gifts from relatives are an area where a lot of difficulty can arise.

katy1213 · 18/01/2021 02:42

Maybe your husband is of the view that adults should stand on their own two feet and not be beholden to their parents for the roof over their heads. Even if it does mean buying somewhere smaller rather later than you'd like.

Furries · 18/01/2021 02:55

I’m quite surprised by some of the comments.

I think my view would be that my relationship to parents is different to one with an OH/DH. I would rather speak to them “off the record” and with no pressure. If they couldn’t help, and had to tell me so, I would rather take that “rejection” on myself. I wouldn’t want my parents worrying in the background that they’d feel bad towards anyone else, and I wouldn’t want OH maybe silently feeling resentment months/years down the line.

If they’d been able to help, then definitely would discuss it with a partner before agreeing anything and going ahead - not doing that would be wrong. But, if they weren’t able to help then that knowledge would be mine alone and I wouldn’t have a problem with that.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/01/2021 03:10

If your parents have always said they would ad have done so for your siblings, what were you sounding them out on, exactly? You already know they are open to it. So I can perhaps see why your DH saw this as more of a preparation for taking the loan without first talking to him than as an initial enquiry just to see if it was a possibility so you could discuss possible avenues for a deposit together.

I don't think you were necessarily being unreasonable, but I can see how it might feel like a bigger step to your DH than it does to you.

LolaSmiles · 18/01/2021 08:16

Furries
But the OP said that her parents had already said they were willing to help so there wasn't any sounding out to do. She knows they were willing to help, so I'm guessing the sounding out wasn't whether they'd be willing to help but more a discussion of amounts (because she mentioned about wanting to work out her budget for buying a house).

I think there is a big difference between a couple seeing a house just outside their budget and then one person having a quiet conversation with their parents where their parents offer to give some help (and then they return to their partner and said "mum and dad are happy to help, is this something we would like to accept?"), and someone knowing their parents are willing to help towards a house and then going to their parents before their husband because they want to know how much money they can have for house hunting.

The first is understandable, nobody is going to parents asking for money, and the couple remain the primary team. The second is discussing joint finances with parents before their spouse and it places the spouse in an awkward situation where the husband either has to set aside his reservations because his wife has already made it clear she wants a house in a certain budget, or set aside his concerns because otherwise it risks tension with his in laws, or he says he doesn't want to take the money but then has to live with his wife knowing that she isn't happy with their life because if they'd taken money from her parents she could have the bigger/better house that was more what she wanted.

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