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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No wedding cards

65 replies

Dasher789 · 17/01/2021 02:56

Thanks to covid, our planned wedding was a 2020 casualty. Dh and i instead, had a very small wedding of 5 people in line with the rules at the time. Not one friend on DH side ever sent a card congratulating us. DH says i shouldn't think anything of it as 'men are not good at remembering that type of thing' and that they would have given one if they had been there. I am not looking for presents or money, I just think it would have been nice to receive a card. AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
Changethetoner · 17/01/2021 03:01

Wedding cards are not essential purchases, and as there's a pandemic on, your friends and relatives have been staying at home, as per government rules. Congratulations on getting married.

Xmassprout · 17/01/2021 03:02

Is it usual to send wedding cards in the post for a wedding you haven't been invited to? Never thought that was a thing

bettbattenburg · 17/01/2021 03:05

People often don't think to send cards, at least that's my experience as I didn't receive a single card of condolences when I lost my father. Nobody acknowledged my loss, nobody made a donation to the hospital in his memory even though he'd done a lot of fundraising to help when it was badly damaged.

Just enjoy your marriage and happy memories of the day and ignore their thoughtlessness, a marriage is for you to be happy about and not dwell on the lack of cards.

katy1213 · 17/01/2021 03:05

Well, it's not worth getting upset about! But when was your wedding? I can't think of anywhere that's open where I could buy a wedding card at the moment. And they're usually pretty naff!

SaltedCarmel · 17/01/2021 03:10

I mean I do understand you're upset but your husband has said it exactly how it is. It's true that "men are not good at remembering." and also if they had been at the wedding they would've sent a card. Female friends and/or partners are more likely to send card and gifts but if they aren't in the know or even exist then unfortunately it won't happen. You've just got married, you've got the best gift in this day and age. I piece of card isn't the be all and end all. You'd only bin them eventually.

Original poster
Dasher789 · 17/01/2021 03:10

@Xmassprout

Is it usual to send wedding cards in the post for a wedding you haven't been invited to? Never thought that was a thing
Well they were invited to the original wedding before it was cancelled. Obviously wouldn't expect a card from everyone but just though DH best man and close friends would have?
OP posts:
Original poster
Dasher789 · 17/01/2021 03:17

Thanks for the replies. Feeling better about it already. I know that its not the biggest deal and appreciate there is a panemdic. Wedding was in October so there were shops open at the time but also plenty online options. I still send cards to people for various occasions and milestones every year but I guess that for my age group, I maybe am in the minority. Certainly, i am not going to let this cloud my marriage lol was just a bit disappointed...

OP posts:
acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 17/01/2021 03:19

I would feel a little upset too OP. Our wedding had to be moved due to COVID, it was booked for October. We decided to have a weekend away instead (it was still allowed then) and my side of the family made real effort which meant so much to us. Cards, gifts, messages on the day etc and we hadn’t even gotten married so I completely understand where you’re coming from. Didn’t get anything from his side of the family which isn't unusual!

It’s difficult for people to understand the situation if they haven’t been through the stress of having to cancel or move their wedding!

Yes, we appreciate people have had much more devastating decisions to make this year but this has affected your wedding. It wasn’t the day you had planned and hoped for and your feelings are completely valid. Congratulations to you and you husband.

3girlsunder3 · 17/01/2021 03:21

I understand how you feel, but agree it probably wouldn't occur to non close family and friends to send one if they didn't attend - I think often people just don't think.
If it makes you feel any better, I got married pre covid and most guests gave us nothing - neither a card nor a gift! It was a very small wedding and I still feel very hurt by it, so I totally get where you're coming from.

Original poster
Dasher789 · 17/01/2021 03:30

@bettbattenburg sorry for your loss :( I think it is a real shame that people don't send condolences as often nowadays. My my DGP's died i remember my DM said that the cards meant a great deal to her.

@acupofteamakeseverythingbetter all the best for your wedding! That sounds so nice what all your friends and family did.

@3girlsunder3 wow, that is so rude!!! I hope you still had a lovely day and congratulations!

OP posts:
GodOfPhwoar · 17/01/2021 03:36

Technically speaking, covid could be transmitted via a card if it arrived within 72 hours.

FortunesFave · 17/01/2021 03:48

I love cards and feel your pain. People are shit about them these days. I've gone doubly hard on them...and paint my own watercolour cards which I continue to send to close friends and relatives. I am good at it and do enjoy it...I've joined a card exchange and we all send one another vintage cards only.

It's a great way to recycle...and we all love vintage cards so it's brilliant fun.

Etinox · 17/01/2021 04:22
Flowers Will you have a party when this is all over?
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/01/2021 04:29

God now people are expected to send wedding cards to people who's wedding they didn't even attend!
Why are people so precious about receiving cards? It's a waste bit of paper!

ilovesooty · 17/01/2021 05:00

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

God now people are expected to send wedding cards to people who's wedding they didn't even attend! Why are people so precious about receiving cards? It's a waste bit of paper!
That's your view.

For important events some people think cards are nice to mark the occasion. I think I'd be a bit upset in the OP's situation.

BlackCatShadow · 17/01/2021 05:04

I think a lot of people don't send cards these days. Just put up a photo of the two of you on Facebook saying we got married and you'll get loads of likes and congratulations messages and that's it done. It's 2021, that's how people do it nowadays.

RichPetunia · 17/01/2021 05:37

Hi. If you are not going to the wedding, you probably wouldn’t send a card. Also, it’s your husbands male friends who haven’t sent the cards - I wouldn’t worry as it won’t be a deliberate slight to you and your husband, it’s just that it’s probably not occurred to them. Don’t worry!

GraduallyWatermelon · 17/01/2021 06:00

We had a smaller 2020 wedding than planned (28 guests no reception). All of DHs friends (single males, 27-28 years old) and mine sent cards and some sent gifts, even those that couldn't come.

We had loads of cards/gifts from family originally invited who then we had to "uninvite" (we streamed it virtually as well) . It wasn't expected at all, we didn't ask for anything.

So yeah I do think it's okay for OP to be a bit miffed tbh!

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 17/01/2021 06:00

Understandabky weddings / pregnancies / babies / anniversaries etc. are a major focus of the people directly involved but are of diminishing interest the further people are away from the centre. eg work collègues.

Plump82 · 17/01/2021 06:40

I also got married last year and we also never got anything from my husbands side. I wasn't expecting to. Not sure why! But i understand why you're upset. What upset me was the company I work for (for nearly 20 years) didn't even bother with a card. When I think back to the amount of presents I have contributed to over the years and how much i know was raised for the last person to be married, it really upset me. I don't know if its because im working from home and it was out of sight out of mind but still!

DinoGreen · 17/01/2021 06:45

DH’s friend got married in November, original wedding cancelled to which we were invited. We sent a card (or rather I did). DH never sends cards for anything, it’s always me who remembers and does it! We didn’t send a present though as they said they’re planning a big party when allowed, so we’ll take a present then.

AnyTimeSoon · 17/01/2021 06:53

Congrats on your wedding.! I don't know anyone who does cards these days?? Let alone for a wedding they didn't attend. Wouldn't cross my mind to do that. Did they send text messages?

Lettertoyou · 17/01/2021 07:00

I think cards are dying out as people keep in touch through social media. I don’t even know people’s addresses any more to send cards.
I can imagine men especially wouldn’t go to the bother of buyin and sending a card during a pandemic for a couple whose wedding they weren’t invited to.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/01/2021 07:04

Congratulations! [champagne]

I think this is part of the emotional labour that builds a strong social web and that men, typically, leave up to women. This lack of effort is one of the reasons so many men end up lonely when they're a bit older if they aren't in a relationship.

YANBU in one way. It's, basically, lazy of them. But in another, it's pointless to get upset. They are secondhand friends and you don't need to rely on them. You have an indication of how much effort they will go to when things aren't right in front of them.

Your DH's easy acceptance might be a bit of a red flag for your own relationship though. If you expect him to make an unprompted effort for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. you might want to make that clear up front.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/01/2021 07:14

I don"t blame you for being disappointed. People who were originally invited ought to have acknowledged your wedding in some way as it wasn't like you uninvited them due to a bad mood but due to Covid. I was uninvited to a wedding and gave the same present and card as originally planned as l don't pay to go to weddings. I either care about the person or l don't.
Also Plump we had a wedding of a work colleague and did the usual round up in spite of working from home ..that was a mean stroke unless they are planning something on your return to work.
I feel couples have suffered a lot cancelling their weddings it's up to friends to bring whatever joy they can to the occasion and a card might be the only way to do that.
But don't let it spoil your joy now.