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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No wedding cards

65 replies

Dasher789 · 17/01/2021 02:56

Thanks to covid, our planned wedding was a 2020 casualty. Dh and i instead, had a very small wedding of 5 people in line with the rules at the time. Not one friend on DH side ever sent a card congratulating us. DH says i shouldn't think anything of it as 'men are not good at remembering that type of thing' and that they would have given one if they had been there. I am not looking for presents or money, I just think it would have been nice to receive a card. AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
Snapsnapcrocodile · 17/01/2021 07:18

I think this is probably just normal, and agree with PP that most people who don’t attend won’t send anything.

We got married (pre-COVID) with six guests (I was very pregnant and couldn’t face more) and a couple of people sent cards. We later had a party and we got loads of cards and presents at that point.

rwalker · 17/01/2021 07:42

Wouldn't even cross my mind to send one or expect one.

@BoomBoomsCousin
Your DH's easy acceptance might be a bit of a red flag for your own relationship though. If you expect him to make an unprompted effort for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. you might want to make that clear up front..

fuck me "red flag" over cards

NotSorry · 17/01/2021 07:44

I didn’t get any condolences cards when my mother died and that was 9 years ago - I always send condolences cards

I don’t think it’s because there is a pandemic, I think it’s just dying out, which is sad

AnyTimeSoon · 17/01/2021 07:46

I don’t even know people’s addresses any more to send cards

Absolutely correct. I don't think most people know this offhand or at all. Cards have definitely died out.

Sammysquiz · 17/01/2021 08:26

I agree, it would’ve been polite for friends to have sent one. It shows a lot more thought and consideration than a social media message. Lots of people wrote beautiful things in our wedding cards which I have kept - you can’t keep a Facebook post saying ‘congrats hun xx’

I think acknowledging a major step in a close friend’s life, particularly when that friend is obviously not having the wedding they’d hoped for, is pretty basic manners. If they’d come to your original cancelled wedding they’d have got you a gift surely, do to not even send a card is pretty lazy. There’s plenty of online companies, Moonpig etc, they wouldn’t even need to leave the sofa to do it.

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 17/01/2021 08:57

Some may have felt obligated to include a gift/money if they sent a card. Maybe that’s why people didn’t?

I do think YABU. I thought the correct etiquette was to send/bring a card if you attend the wedding, or to send one if you were invited but had to decline?

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/01/2021 09:01

@rwalker

Wouldn't even cross my mind to send one or expect one.

@BoomBoomsCousin
Your DH's easy acceptance might be a bit of a red flag for your own relationship though. If you expect him to make an unprompted effort for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. you might want to make that clear up front..

fuck me "red flag" over cards

That’s fair! Red flag is too loaded a term. Potentially an indicator of his attitude would be more measured.
HikeForward · 17/01/2021 09:02

Why would they send a card/gift when you’d cancelled their attendance? I know it couldn’t be helped with covid but they might’ve lost money on travel tickets/hotels/childcare?

I think wedding cards are a dying tradition anyway.

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 17/01/2021 09:02

particularly when that friend is obviously not having the wedding they’d hoped for

But if you really wanted to, you could postpone the wedding if being with those people and receiving their well wishes was ultimately that important?

It’s a awkward thing to have to uninvite people. It’s a bit uncomfortable for them as well.

Onlinedilema · 17/01/2021 09:09

I personally think events such as weddings, baby showers etc have been put on the back burner due to covid. People aren’t going to these events and therefore not getting involved.

RuggeryBuggery · 17/01/2021 09:12

There’s a chance they’ve got other things on their minds.

Also appreciate it’s a bit different because of covid and being unable to have many guests but I wouldn’t normally think to send a wedding card for a wedding I’m not attending and have been known to forget to bring a card to the ones I am attending

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/01/2021 09:14

I don’t think many send cards or gifts to an event they didn’t attend.

The whole point of a marriage is to make a lifelong commitment via the vows, the cards are irrelevant really.

Onlinedilema · 17/01/2021 09:17

Also with all due respect I think weddings are less formal than they used to be and are often seen as just the formal legal agreement, as in effect that is what they have been reduced to due to covid. You aren’t allowed a long, lengthy ceremony , well you aren’t allowed anything at the moment.
What I’m trying to say are gone are the days where the majority of couples were still living with parents and had never been married before. Nowadays most of them have children and already live together, have probably had lots of other relationships etc so the idea of needing gifts to set up a home together has gone. I know this is about cards but again less people send them now.

SetRisk · 17/01/2021 09:26

I think I would have sent a card but I don't think it's rude or inconsiderate not to. My DHs family don't do cards for anything - I think that's ok. They are nice people regardless of whether they send cards or not.
Being 'disappointed' in people for not sending cards is petty.

YABU.

WilsonMilson · 17/01/2021 09:27

DH and I had a tiny wedding and didn’t receive a single card. Well, apart from our respective parents. Have never given it a second thought, more interested in my marriage than receiving cards for it.

jendifer · 17/01/2021 09:31

Did you live stream the wedding so those who were invited but couldn’t attend could watch? A few friends did that and I felt more part of their wedding due to that and might have sent a card.

Pipandmum · 17/01/2021 09:32

I'm sure I didn't get cards from many people who actually came to my wedding! If they bought off the registry we got the present sent direct in many cases, but not sure people sent a card as well, and no one who didn't come sent a card.
If not attending a wedding I wouldn't send a card unless I was a close friend, and I bet it wouldn't even cross many peoples minds.

Okbye · 17/01/2021 09:37

I got married 10 years ago and not one of my husbands friends gave us a card or gift (and there are a few of them!) It did bother me at the time, I wouldn’t dream of going to a wedding without so much as a card but I guess men are different.

Even the ones with girlfriends didn’t give cards or gifts which I thought was odd as if we went to one of their weddings I would make sure my husband at least wrote a card (at the very least!)

In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter but I totally & completely get why you’re upset.

notanothertakeaway · 17/01/2021 09:38

In these situations, I think it's helpful to acknowledge that, if there are two schools of thought, your preference isn't necessarily 'the right way and how it should be done'. Other approaches may be equally valid

My DSIS gets wound up if people don't send thank you letters. My DB thinks that a phone call or text is sufficient. Neither of them is right or wrong

Onlinedilema · 17/01/2021 10:28

Actually non of dh friends sent us a card either for our wedding, neither did they organise a stag do for him.

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/01/2021 10:35

What are others in that friendship group doing? One of our friends got married in the autumn, and in the notification explicitly said that they would prefer cards and gifts to be postponed to the big party they are planning for their first anniversary.

Hotcuppatea · 17/01/2021 10:41

@Changethetoner

Wedding cards are not essential purchases, and as there's a pandemic on, your friends and relatives have been staying at home, as per government rules. Congratulations on getting married.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

YANBU to be a bit upset OP. Its a small act that can mean a lot. I've made sure I've sent birthday cards and so forth during all this, especially as I can't actually see people in the flesh.

SleeplessWB · 17/01/2021 11:10

I am really surprised that people didn't send anything and don't agree that wedding cards are dying out. I got cards and presents from everyone who attended my wedding, as well as lots from people who were invited but couldn't attend, some even sent from overseas. If a friend had their wedding spoiled due to covid I would make an extra effort to send something. But I do agree that it is probably because it wouldn't occur to most men to do so.

thecatsthecats · 17/01/2021 11:23

I find the etiquette type responses to this sort of post very weird. Like the people commenting were brought up by a book of rules designed for pre-electronic communication and not touched since (and the commenter too unimaginative to consider the personal element).

Mind you, I think I wouldn't get too wound up a my husband's friends failing to send a card. Some men are crap at building relationships with a wider network by acts such as card sending (I suspect these are the same men who are shit within their own relationships).

Tier10 · 17/01/2021 11:33

I wouldn’t even think to give/send a wedding card to someone unless I was at the wedding.