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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... for "second-screen" to drive me crazy?

102 replies

Wroxie · 16/01/2021 20:49

My young adult daughter is living here again until Covid peters out (no problems here, she works, contributes, cooks, and cleans!) but one thing is annoying me.

We're not a tv-on-all-the-time family, but we will purposely sit down to watch a film or an episode of a good series together and within seven seconds, daughter is on her phone - even if the film or show was her idea. I say 'Oh, we can watch this later', and she says 'no it's fine I'm watching it' but she's absolutely not- something dramatic or funny happens and I glance at her to see if she's noticed and she hasn't. It's like I'm watching by myself, and all the fun of enjoying the show together just isn't there. I then huff a bit and pause it, then she says 'fine' and puts her phone down for about ten minutes before picking it up again. The show is ruined because feel like a bit of a tit if I continue watching, especially if it's something that makes me actually laugh or tear up or whatever - because she's not having the same experience.

Daughter says 'everyone' does a 'second screen' when the telly is on, she can't imagine sitting through a movie at home without her phone in her hand. I think she's being rude and we've gotten snippy about it a few times. If you have teenagers or young adults how does this go in your house?

OP posts:

Bailegangaire · 17/01/2021 09:49

It’s why some people think that watching subtitled foreign tv or films is too much like hard work, because they can’t play on their phones at the same time.

poppet31 · 17/01/2021 09:51

I think we are a generation addicted to our phones. I find it really hard not to pick up my phone when I'm watching tv but I'm trying to make an effort not to. I'm just mindlessly scrolling so it's completely pointless and does detract from whatever I'm watching.

user7778 · 17/01/2021 09:56

The show is ruined because feel like a bit of a tit if I continue watching, especially if it's something that makes me actually laugh or tear up or whatever - because she's not having the same experience

I think you are being a bit OTT about this - even if she was sat watching, and engaged enough to bring all the fun of enjoying the show together (??) for you, it still doesn't guarantee that you'll have the same experience - she might not find it funny, or sad, or think it's any good

CutToChase · 17/01/2021 09:57

It is alienating when you've decided to watch something together and you go "shit did you see that look she gave him?"...looks up from phone "No?! So does she not believe him then?!" Etc etc

crossstitchingnana · 17/01/2021 09:59

My teens do this and so does dh. Dh not always though, he didn't when he watched Tenet for eg! It used to bother me but as 9/10 times I watch tv on my own I am just glad of the company tbh. I think we are addicted to phones and I do wonder what I did before my smart phone, probably read or morning TV.

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/01/2021 10:14

My grandma, who died 25 years ago, was never known to watch tv without knitting and a crossword to hand. This isn’t a new thing.

Frodont · 17/01/2021 10:21

@MinesAPintOfTea

My grandma, who died 25 years ago, was never known to watch tv without knitting and a crossword to hand. This isn’t a new thing.

Well she probably wasn't watching a French cop series with subtitles either to be fair!

Frodont · 17/01/2021 10:24

@GreenyApples

Surely it's her down time too, and being in eachothers presence is enough? You do sound a bit controlling and like you have never had to do things alone and enjoy them from within yourself.

God that's really harsh!

I'd find it irritating too, OP . I definitely draw the line at a phone screen in my eye line if I'm watching something. The most annoying thing is if you gasp or laugh and dd puts her phone down and says "what? Rewind!"

soberfabulous · 17/01/2021 10:26

We have a phone box in the hallway and our phones go into it at night . We don't watch much tv but this generally helps us stop the habit of picking up the phone. We are much more connected as a result. Could you trial something similar?

JovialNickname · 17/01/2021 11:33

@Bluegrass

I do this a fair bit but I worry it is changing the way our brains work, and not in a good way.

So much gets lost if you’re just half watching and only looking at the main screen for the big payoff jokes or the dramatic moments. You lose the chance to think, to anticipate.

It’s the absolute opposite of mindfulness, it’s the meal you finished without ever tasting it, the amazing live performance you only experienced by recording it on your phone.

I second this; I think it's a shame that these days we have no concentration span, and no ability to focus fully on just one thing. We no longer have the capability to immerse ourselves in one activity; our brain needs stimulation from multiple artificial sources (screens) now to feel occupied and entertained. I think it's a shame and like @Bluegrass think we have lost the art of experiencing and savouring the moment (one of the key tenets of mindfulness)

AiryFairyMum · 17/01/2021 11:36

Its about low attention span. I hate it too.

BestWatcherInTheUnit · 17/01/2021 11:59

I’m really surprised that so many people do this. I think YANBU, because for me watching a telly programme or film with someone is a shared experience which is ruined if the other person’s attention is split with something else. It’s not dissimilar to people texting while having a conversation. But then we only watch TV that is interesting and that we actually want to watch, eg a series or a film, and we don’t have a telly in the living room so it is never just on in the background.

emilyfrost · 17/01/2021 12:08

YABU and controlling. She doesn’t have to have the same experience as you, she can enjoy the film/show how she wants to.

It’s exceptionally common amongst all age groups and it’s not at all rude. You are being rude by trying to dictate exactly how another adult should enjoy something.

Frodont · 17/01/2021 12:15

"Controlling"

Frodont · 17/01/2021 12:17

YABU and controlling. She doesn’t have to have the same experience as you, she can enjoy the film/show how she wants to

Except you can't enjoy a film if you are constantly on your phone. Just make a choice and stick to it fgs!

emilyfrost · 17/01/2021 12:20

Except you can't enjoy a film if you are constantly on your phone. Just make a choice and stick to it fgs!

Frodont You can’t, other people can.

Frodont · 17/01/2021 12:21

@emilyfrost

Except you can't enjoy a film if you are constantly on your phone. Just make a choice and stick to it fgs!

Frodont You can’t, other people can.

No they can't. At best you can get the gist. Do you never watch films with subtitles?

NerrSnerr · 17/01/2021 12:25

Except you can't enjoy a film if you are constantly on your phone. Just make a choice and stick to it fgs!

Her daughter is an adult. Isn't it her choice how she enjoys her films?

Frodont · 17/01/2021 12:26

@NerrSnerr

Except you can't enjoy a film if you are constantly on your phone. Just make a choice and stick to it fgs!

Her daughter is an adult. Isn't it her choice how she enjoys her films?

Yes of course. Mine do it. But if you do it, don't pretend you are really watching the film. You are watching your phone and occasionally glancing up .

Ch3rish · 17/01/2021 12:29

@Frodont

YABU and controlling. She doesn’t have to have the same experience as you, she can enjoy the film/show how she wants to

Except you can't enjoy a film if you are constantly on your phone. Just make a choice and stick to it fgs!

I can enjoy a film or TV programme while also browsing the internet

Surely most people can can't they?

Your choice to watch sub titled content doesn't have any bearing on anyone else. The vast vast majority of stuff is watched by people in their native language.

emilyfrost · 17/01/2021 12:29

No they can't. At best you can get the gist. Do you never watch films with subtitles?

Frodont Yes they can. Everyone enjoys things differently. I personally don’t watch subtitled films no.

aSofaNearYou · 17/01/2021 12:30

It's exceptionally common across all age groups and it's not at all rude

Surely that last part is a matter of opinion? I agree that it's common and normalised but I don't think that means it's always fine/not rude. It's not just about "how they enjoy something" it's about generally turning into someone who bores the people around them to tears because they've become so disengaged. I think in some cases, especially one on one activities you have instigated, that can be pretty rude. Some people lack the empathy to judge when it's a bit rude or damaging their relationships, and when it's fine.

I don't think it would be rude of OP to point out that it's sucking the enjoyment out of these activities, it is the truth.

CounsellorTroi · 17/01/2021 12:31

I often find myself second screening when watching TV. But I also have a VR headset and I really like the Netflix and Amazon apps. There are no distractions, you can’t read or check your phone so it’s really immersive. Plus you get a huge screen without actually having to have one in your living room.

ScrapThatThen · 17/01/2021 12:34

If you want to spend time with your young adult why moan at her? I do this too. Phones destroy our concentration to the point its tedious watching a slow plot unfold. Funnily enough my ddad just got a tablet and having always moaned about us second screening he does it all the time now at 76. But if you want her to be bored or not be with you...

Frodont · 17/01/2021 12:37

I like the fact I get absorbed in a film and truth be told I feel sorry for people who can't do that. There's so much utter trivial shit on the Internet, I can't imagine wanting to scroll through that rather than concentrating on a movie. My dds only do it if they aren't enjoying the film, if its one tht they love they don't second screen.

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