... for "second-screen" to drive me crazy?

[Wroxie]

My young adult daughter is living here again until Covid peters out (no problems here, she works, contributes, cooks, and cleans!) but one thing is annoying me.

We're not a tv-on-all-the-time family, but we will purposely sit down to watch a film or an episode of a good series together and within seven seconds, daughter is on her phone - even if the film or show was her idea. I say 'Oh, we can watch this later', and she says 'no it's fine I'm watching it' but she's absolutely not- something dramatic or funny happens and I glance at her to see if she's noticed and she hasn't. It's like I'm watching by myself, and all the fun of enjoying the show together just isn't there. I then huff a bit and pause it, then she says 'fine' and puts her phone down for about ten minutes before picking it up again. The show is ruined because feel like a bit of a tit if I continue watching, especially if it's something that makes me actually laugh or tear up or whatever - because she's not having the same experience.

Daughter says 'everyone' does a 'second screen' when the telly is on, she can't imagine sitting through a movie at home without her phone in her hand. I think she's being rude and we've gotten snippy about it a few times. If you have teenagers or young adults how does this go in your house?

It's really not affecting you though is it. You're kinda just picking a fight over something quite controlling and in the end she just wont bother spending that time with you at all.
I often have a second screen running unless it's something that really needs my attention, just how it is.

Yep both my daughter and son do this generally. It's irritating at times but I'm trying to pick my battles- and I'm not sure this is a major one really.

@dinosforall

DH and I do this and we are 38

Same here - 38 & 41

How rude.
If she has a job that requires her to be contactable 24/7 she could switch the 'phone to silent and still be aware of alerts or notifications.
Otherwise she should put it away for the duration of the programme or, if she is incapable of leaving the 'phone alone, go to her room and watch at another time.
FOMO will be the death of normal, polite society.

There's no way anyone can watch a film properly if they are on their phones. I'd judge someone who did it constantly - useless attention span - but I love watching films. If it was some mindless tv show you are only half watching then fine.

Dh does this and it drives me mad. Although my mum and I always watch Strictly at the same time whilst Whatsapping each other to discuss it so I suppose I'm just as bad!

I usually three screen. iPad, phone, telly.

Before screens I used to read while watching telly.

Certain things (watched WW1984 last night) I’ll put my phone/iPad down and concentrate through.

I think most people do this now which explains the voting.

But it is sad - all it takes is to look away for a second and you miss a micro expression thats important.

Even if you dont miss stuff, obviously you cant be fully immersed if you're also doing something else with your mind.

If its something like strictly then okay, but if its something like pieces of a woman which I watched last night...its sad you would think trawling AIBU or checking FB is actually more appealing than engaging properly with a film like that

I haven’t voted because while you’re probably not being unreasonable to think it’s silly to be glued to a second screen, it is up to her! I personally can’t focus just on the tv, even if it’s something I like and want to watch. It seems like wasting time to me, time I could be spending reading... Long before screens, I’d always have a book in my hand while the tv was on, and now I’m often reading a book on my tablet or mumsnetting. The only time I concentrate wholly on a film is at the cinema and even then I’m wondering whether my current novel is missing me at home. 🤷‍♀️

Is there anything else she could do to occupy her hands e.g. painting her nails? However I would try to reframe it in your mind that you are watching a programme and your enjoyment is not based on her. More annoying if she has chosen something you aren't as keen on though!

I expect the majority saying YABU are mumsnetters addicted to their phones or ipads!! Op, I agree with you, you cannot concentrate properly if you are in your phone as well.

When my eldest is home we enjoy watching a movie in the evenings together when he is home and he does exactly the same.
However we usually end up watching a film he has seen before for precisely the reason he does not have to concentrate I imagine.
When I look over he is on his phone and often playing chess, it does bother me but since I do not see him often as he works abroad I say nothing.
However, the minute I might look at my phone he jumps on me about watching the film.
He occassionally apologises and rewinds if he has missed something,but as I said as it is a rarity he is home I put up with it.

I’m another who can only focus on tv or a film for about 5 minutes before I need to do something else as well! It’s not an overall attention span issue because I can happily sit and read a book for a couple of hours without doing anything else, but tv/film just don’t hold my attention in the same way even if it’s something I want to watch. I suspect your DD is similar.

I do avoid looking at my phone/kindle/whatever if we are watching something as a family, but it still doesn’t mean I’m taking everything in as my mind still wanders. It’s just not my preferred medium for taking in information.

I dislike just sitting and watching something, but deal with that usually by having crochet on the go. I suspect it's an attention thing, like children who need fidget toys in class.

Are you annoyed because it's marring your 'shared experience' or because you think she can't be enjoying it 'properly' while on her phone?

The show is ruined because feel like a bit of a tit if I continue watching, especially if it's something that makes me actually laugh or tear up or whatever - because she's not having the same experience

Get over yourself, ffs.

👆

Sorry, this. What are the chances the girl would be able to enjoy the show anyway with a micro-managing mother glancing over at her every few seconds to see how she's reacting to whatever's happening on screen?

You do you and just watch the bloody programme. Leave her to watch it in whatever way suits HER.

Does she really really want to watch it? Because I do this because DH wants to watch TV and I want to be in his company but are bored witless by much of what he watches. I don’t watch TV if I’m home alone or if I do it’s stuff he doesn’t care for. I’m perfectly happy but if I wasn’t on my phone I’d have a book or my embroidery out. Maybe she just wants to be with you?

I do and in my 40s

My kids do it. I've been known to do it myself - watching strictly while following the strictly thread on MN! People tweet about shows while they're watching too don't they....

Surely it's her down time too, and being in eachothers presence is enough? You do sound a bit controlling and like you have never had to do things alone and enjoy them from within yourself.

It's just me and DH in the evening but we have two categories of programmes - one set we watch when we know we want to fiddle with phones /tablets and one set where we put the tech down and focus on the TV. It works for us and means we don't get upset with the other one tuning out. As DD gets older we'll get stricter with ourselves at putting the tech away.

Obvioulsy you think watching TV is an experience that is improved if the person sitting next to you is also fully absorbed as you are.

I think it's clear from the responses here that most people are able to enjoy while doing something else at the same time. Long before the internet was invented I never just watched the TV, I would have always been reading at the same time. It's totally normal these days to use a devce while watching TV ime

I think it depends on how high-functioning you are. Most normal TV leaves me with a lot of spare brain power, so I need a second task to keep me busy, be that knitting or using my phone. A TV show has to be pretty gripping for me to just watch it on its own, and sadly most TV is dumbed down for the masses.

I remember in English at school we had to watch a short film about some trite and predictable, with so many plot sign posts that is was just tedious. So I got my book out and read, and help half and ear on the TV. At the end my teacher asked me about what happened in a very “gotcha!” way. I then explained the whole plot, sub-plot (such as it was) and character motivations. It rather took the wind out of her sails.

It upsets me too when people do this. You lose the ‘togetherness’ of the activity. That second screen is like an invisible barrier. I’d feel the same way if somebody was reading btw, it’s not just a screen thing.