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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to raise this with ex with regards to our dd

56 replies

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 16:23

A bit of background, DD is 2, very active, drinks a lot and isn't very verbal. Exp was emotionally abusive towards both of us and had court ordered contact.

Since contact began I have always raised my concerns with regards to how little DD appeared to be drinking during contact.. however I done this in a roundabout why by saying I had noticed and just let him know typically DD likes either warm drinks or really cold (just to help and so did was ok). This got raised in court that I was causing issues etc. Since then we've been using a handover book, ex had consistently said in 24 hours DD is having no more than 400mls of water and on some occasions as little as 100mls. This is unlike DD and I'm concerned for her health as a lot of the time upon return she is very thirsty and won't go toilet for a few hours. I'm thinking of raising this again which may cause issues but I feel I need to
address it. AIBU if I do ?

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 16/01/2021 17:38

I wouldn’t but that’s on the basis my 1 year old isn’t having a lot of water during the day. Does your 2 year old also have whole milk?

Soontobe60 · 16/01/2021 17:41

I think you're being over controlling. Why you’d expect such detail as to how many MLS of water your dd has drink during contact is excessive. Do you give her DF a list of everything she has eaten and drunk when she’s with you?

Trickyboy · 16/01/2021 17:57

If my ex micro managed my parenting the way you are.. I would probably write stuff in the 'handover book' that pressed your buttons.

You need to back off. His time with his child. If she is at a welfare risk you need to raise this with evidence to the court.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 18:35

@Soontobe60 yes I do actually. As I said we have a handover book. I have to do the very same.

OP posts:

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 18:36

Also the handover book was advised by children's services.

OP posts:

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 18:40

@LouiseTrees no she doesn't have whole milk, this is her fluid in take overall.

OP posts:

Frouby · 16/01/2021 18:41

Fucking handover books are just a way for the abusive parent to abuse their victim in writing, been there, done that and was told by CAFCAS it didn't matter what he wrote in it, it was allowed as it was his way of co parenting.

Fuck that. If you have a book presumably you aren't speaking to him. So handover is handled by someone else? If so get them to read the book and tell you anything you need to know. Wrt the not drinking I would actually raise it yes. I'd find out the recommended daily fluid intake for her age, print it off and ask them to make sure she was getting somewhere near that amount. If they are constantly significantly under I'd raise it with health visitor.

Changethetoner · 16/01/2021 18:41

How long is she in his care for? I wouldn't be concerned about short times with less drink than normal, but if it is several days it might cause issues.

However, surely her Dad can spot if she's really thirsty? For example if she downs a beaker of water really fast - even if she doesn't speak, it is clear the child should be offered some more....

I would not like to have to account for every morsel of food/drink i gave the child, though I suppose nurseries do this, so in that sense it is normal. It does sound rather controlling. it would be much better if you both could just relax a bit and parent the child appropriately while in your care.

endofthelinefinally · 16/01/2021 18:45

If that really is her total fluid intake that is dangerously inadequate. Why is he restricting her fluid intake? To get at you?

Babyboomtastic · 16/01/2021 18:45

This is weird. I had no idea that parents measured how much their child drinks, let alone logged it, unless there is a related medical issue.

To me, you sound a bit neurotic and controlling.

cherrypie111 · 16/01/2021 18:45

Why are you so controlling about liquid intake? How bizarre.

There are many reasons your DD might not drink as much in his care, she might be confused about the transitions etc.

If your child's father doesn't see an issue I'm not sure why you're looking so much into it

Frouby · 16/01/2021 18:45

Also 100mls is a tiny amount in 24 hours, about 1/3 of a can. Its not enough. So he's either not ensuring she drinks enough or is using it as a stick to beat OP with.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 19:02

I'm concerned about it because it's quite easy for such a young child to become dehydrated. It's get documented back ex in the past has refused to give DD liquids or make them available for access.. this happened in our relationship. I had to take DD to hospital because she had overheated in his care partly due to low liquid in take (hence handover book and children's services involvement). She also isn't staying with him for short periods but overnights etc. And ex didn't even notice DD was over heating so no I think he'd know she is thirsty which is why I suggested leaving it somewhere she could find it.

Ironic part is he's accused me of putting her nappy on wrong, constantly contacting me about her nappy as it's leaked.. raising it in court along with the drink stuff in order to get a lives with order.

@Frouby no unfortunately still have contact with him until recently as he refuses to communicate through anyone else other than me.

OP posts:

MotherExtraordinaire · 16/01/2021 19:34

@Concernedmama1

Also the handover book was advised by children's services.

Bit it should include pertinent information.do you include the full details of every meal and drink on all of your contact days in it? At 2 years plus, it's not necessary. If there was something unusual, such as the child ate nothing all day, then yes ind share that, but their normal foods and drink no. It should be including things such as out of the ordinary and safety information, so for example if had calpol for a temperature (in normal pre covid times), if had poor sleep or no longer having an afternoon nap. Or that potty training has started and needs to be put on it half hourly.

I really think that you are wanting too much information. In reality there should be less information in it as time progresses.
Yes contsct books could be used as manipulative, but it actually sounds as though the op is trying to be incredibly controlling over this, in a way to question the quality of his parenting. Equally, he could be being flippant and just putting any old thing down to placate her!
Let's face it, could the average parent of a 2 plus child state the quantity of fluids their child had on a daily basis? I really doubt it, beyond the absolute extremes that stand out as as extreme!

rawlikesushi · 16/01/2021 19:35

It seems unlikely that he's intentionally withholding water and allowing his own child to become dangerously dehydrated.

Surely he's writing in those low amounts because you've made such a big deal about measuring how much she drinks, to annoy you?

I might be biased. I'm a teacher and a surprising number of parents complain that their child isn't drinking enough during the day, when they actually have a water bottle on the table at all times. If they're thirsty, they'll drink. They'll drink what they want not what someone thinks they should drink iyswim.

Do I don't know. You sound quite fixated.

endofthelinefinally · 16/01/2021 19:37

It sounds as if he is deliberately witholding fluid. Is this related to his obsession with leaky nappies op?

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 19:57

@MotherExtraordinaire I have to put in exactly the same as ex, food, nap, liquids. It isn't just ex that has to.

@rawlikesushi I don't know but when DD comes home and goes through 4 cups of water in the space of half an hour that doesn't seem right. And yes she could be refusing to drink, and that's fine which is why I suggested adding warm water as I know she likes this. Wasnt at all done or said in a malicious way to ex, just a simple this has happened just try xyz.

@endofthelinefinally I don't know if it's related but he does bring up the leaky nappies a lot. I stopped mentioning about the water as he applied for a shared lives with order based on this, along with I'm putting nappies on her incorrectly to set him up. Now he is going for a lives with. But it's seeing the 100mls that really concerned me, I think if DD didn't come back and drink so much I would just be like ok he is trying to get a rise out of me.

OP posts:

MotherExtraordinaire · 16/01/2021 20:15

[quote Concernedmama1]@MotherExtraordinaire I have to put in exactly the same as ex, food, nap, liquids. It isn't just ex that has to.

@rawlikesushi I don't know but when DD comes home and goes through 4 cups of water in the space of half an hour that doesn't seem right. And yes she could be refusing to drink, and that's fine which is why I suggested adding warm water as I know she likes this. Wasnt at all done or said in a malicious way to ex, just a simple this has happened just try xyz.

@endofthelinefinally I don't know if it's related but he does bring up the leaky nappies a lot. I stopped mentioning about the water as he applied for a shared lives with order based on this, along with I'm putting nappies on her incorrectly to set him up. Now he is going for a lives with. But it's seeing the 100mls that really concerned me, I think if DD didn't come back and drink so much I would just be like ok he is trying to get a rise out of me.[/quote]
I'd be wary of you both appearing titfortat tbh with court imminent.
From one perspective it looks like you're suggesting he's neglecting your child, likewise he's suggesting similar over nappies!

It's a ludicrous situation and at best it will end up with a really inflexible cao and this whole saga repeats until the courts basically say they don't wish to see you again or your child is able to vote with her feet!

StacySoloman · 16/01/2021 20:33

It does sound unusual that you'd want to know the number of ml of fluids she is drinking.

I've never paid any attention to how much my children drink - never asked another carer either.
As a childminder no parent has ever asked how much their child has drunk.

I can imagine a court would fine it surprising that you are this keen to know exactly what she drinks?

Oysterbabe · 16/01/2021 20:38

It's super weird to monitor how many mls a 2 year old is drinking. She isn't a young baby, being a bit thirsty won't harm her. Do you think he would deliberately cause her harm?
I could not tell you how much my children drink in a day. They have water bottles and have what they want.

madroid · 16/01/2021 20:41

Do you suspect he's withholding fluid as a way of getting at you OP? As a way of abusing you?

This site says a toddler needs 1-1.5 litres of drinks a day (6-8 cups)

Try teaching your DD to always ask vocally for a drink (give her lots of praise when she asks). It will be harder for your ex abuser to withhold drinks if your DD is very loud & assertive about asking for them.

If this continues you should definitely raise it with your GP/social worker/HV. You cannot stand by if you think he's dehydrating your DD.

LouiseTrees · 16/01/2021 20:57

How long is she with him? Is that how much she has between 10am and 10pm or is it in 24 hours etc? The the nappies is it maybe he doesn’t change her?

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 20:57

@MotherExtraordinaire issue is I didn't raise this in court. I was just trying to help to avoid DD becoming I'll once staying for longer periods. Only time I mentioned it was to defend myself and share the email that was sent.

I mean I've been accused of following him, even though he approached an area that I was sat in, a park before lockdown. I really can't say anything or do anything without it being raised in court

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 16/01/2021 21:00

I see red flags here op and I think you should raise it with your HV.

Purplethrow · 16/01/2021 21:01

He could be giving her loads of water but writing something different in the handover book just to wind you up.

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