Page 2 | AIBU to raise this with ex with regards to our dd

Concernedmama1 · 2021-01-16T16:23:21+00:00

A bit of background, DD is 2, very active, drinks a lot and isn't very verbal. Exp was emotionally abusive towards both of us and had court ordered contact. Since contact began I have always raised my concerns with regards to how little DD appeared to be drinking during contact.. however I done this in a roundabout why by saying I had noticed and just let him know typically DD likes either warm drinks or really cold (just to help and so did was ok). This got raised in court that I was causing issues etc. Since then we've been using a handover book, ex had consistently said in 24 hours DD is having no more than 400mls of water and on some occasions as little as 100mls. This is unlike DD and I'm concerned for her health as a lot of the time upon return she is very thirsty and won't go toilet for a few hours. I'm thinking of raising this again which may cause issues but I feel I need to address it. AIBU if I do ?

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 16/01/2021 21:03

Red flags 🚩

Frouby · 16/01/2021 21:09

@madroid

Do you suspect he's withholding fluid as a way of getting at you OP? As a way of abusing you?

This site says a toddler needs 1-1.5 litres of drinks a day (6-8 cups)

Try teaching your DD to always ask vocally for a drink (give her lots of praise when she asks). It will be harder for your ex abuser to withhold drinks if your DD is very loud & assertive about asking for them.

If this continues you should definitely raise it with your GP/social worker/HV. You cannot stand by if you think he's dehydrating your DD.

At 2 years old I would not expect a child to have to ask for a drink tbh, I would expect one to be available. She shouldn't have to be loud and assertive at 2 to ask for a fucking drink.

OP, I was at the other end of the spectrum with this. Ex used to insist I provide nappies and wipes as I was getting wtc and 'thats for her, not fucking you' so used to deliberately put juice in a bottle for dd, orange or apple juice. As a result she had a series of UTIs, a referral to a urologist, severe nappy rash and went through a 24 pack of nappies during the 24 hour contract and the evening/night directly following contact. She also had her 4 front teeth removed at 3 due to the damage caused to her front teeth caused by fruit acids. She only ever drank water and very occasionally milk with a meal with me. Her dentist said the damage was caused by juices or sweets, probably juices in a bottle and kept lecturing me about not giving her a bottle. I didn't own any bottles for her and hadn't since she was 12 months old when we switched to a sippy cup and she wouldn't even have a dummy as a newborn.

Her contact book was absolutely abusive from him, and that and a statement from me regarding teeth/utis was one of the reasons he was told that court didn't want to see him again, he wasn't allowed to use legal aid again and that if he used the contact book or contact with dd again to punish and manipulate me again they expected me to put a case in to have the awarded contact amended to contact centre only and when she was 11, 5 years ago she did 'vote with her feet'.

I would question every time the 100mls, even 400 mls. It doesn't have to be measured, 3 full sports bottles or 1 fruit shoot and 2 bottles roughly would be fine. If she shows symptoms of dehydration I would record it and absolutely ask for him to ensure she drinks, at 2 she may need prompting because she's 2. I'd also ask for a record of wet nappies on the basis she isn't weeing when she comes home.

Men absolutely do abuse and neglect their children to get at their ex partners. Me and dd were both victims of it, and (probably) because of a result of that decay and losing her front teeth at such a young age she had to wear braces for 3 years. Ds (age 7) lost his front teeth completely naturally. He likes sweeties and juice a lot more than dd ever has.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 21:14

@Purplethrow I did consider this. But it's the fact DD will come back and drink 4 cups of water in half an hour. DD does drink quite a lot but not that much in such a short period of time.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 16/01/2021 21:38

Could you talk to hv and have her wrote a recommendation that dd needs to be drinking x number of cups a day.

Hankunamatata · 16/01/2021 21:39

Write

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 21:46

@Hankunamatata they've already done something along these lines.

@Frouby, also had the nappy rash issue too but I suspect from the concentration in urine. He writes down nappy changes as he likes to let me know they've leaked.

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frazzledasarock · 16/01/2021 21:50

If you’ve had to take her to hospital die to dehydrating whilst under your ex’s care. I absolutely would bring it up.

Speak to your GP & HV if your ex can’t manage to provide water for your child he needs to have shorter contact to lessen the chances of her being harmed till she’s old enough to ask for drinks herself.

He sounds incredibly abusive.

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2021 21:52

Why do her nappies leak so much, does he not change her often enough, does she need to be in the next size up?

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 22:19

@frazzledasarock, these are nappies that I put her in which are the right size.. any bigger they'll drop off her. I think it's either he isn't changing her or she is sat in one position and it just leaks out. But the last time he said the nappy was completely dry but her clothes where wet and I had to say to him in that case it's most likely she was too hot and had sweated.. as I had told her to remove her coat before putting DD in her seat. I didn't make sure he done this though.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2021 23:05

He’s abusing your child.

I really think you need to speak to your health visitor explain what’s going on and ask for her advice.

He sounds scary unhinged he’d refuse to give water to a baby and doesn’t be bother checking to see if she’s over heating or changing her nappy regularly.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 16/01/2021 23:37

For those saying it's weird I'm asking how many MLS she is drinking I haven't this is the way he has put it into the book.. I've not demanded this information but because of an incident which meant DD being admitted to hospital it gets recorded. Also with my being controlling, if it was for a few hours then fine but these are overnights stays. Ex was controlling and wouldn't even let DD eat more than a set portion of food if she was still hungry after well tough.. couldn't quite grasp DD is a growing child. So yes if DD is indeed only having 400mls of fluid and the recommended amount is 1l then I think this is something we can at least discuss. DD comes back from contact aggressive and withdrawn.. doesn't show any affection for days after all of which has been noted by the HV and even this I cannot discuss with him. I've given him HV details to at least see what they're concerned about and yet still he hasn't bothered.

@frazzledasarock thing is he won't listen. All of the above is my fault even down to the overheating as why did I put layers on DD, erm because it's cold, couldn't be an issue with him and not checking DD. By the way did can remove layers by she was in a car seat and a pushchair on both occasions.

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Hazelnutlatteplease · 17/01/2021 00:52

I really think you need to take a step back. The contact book it likely a load of tosh either deliberately or accidentally. The nappies is making a point that she can't be dehydrated because she still having wet nappies. Raise it in court, but I agree with the poster above, I can well see a court telling you this is tit for that and to get on with it. You need to be aware that this might happen so you are not totally hit for six when it does.

Seriously I do think you need to chill. Your ex is going to be in your child's life for the next goodness knows how many years. If he is abusive it's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. You need to deal without sweating the small stuff.

safclass · 17/01/2021 01:36

Actually I've known several people whose children have a water bottle on the table but don't drink it because their schools are so strict on when the children can use the bathroom, for many children (esp up to y4) they don't know they need to go until they need to go. Their body doesntbsend/recognise signals as an adults. A nurse told us to think of it as an immature bladder.
A relatives daughter 7 hardly drinks anything at school for this exact reason (BTW ex primary teacher married to a teacher so not having a go)

Totallydefeated · 17/01/2021 01:54

I think downing 4 cups of water in half an hour is concerning, and does point to him restricting her fluid intake. If it happens again, I would film her each time she downs a drink, and then you’ll have a dated and time-stamped video record demonstrating that she was very thirsty when returned to you.

Thamesis · 17/01/2021 01:59

OP follow your gut on this, you know what he's like, and more importantly what your daughter needs. PP's who haven't had to co-parent with an abusive ex may not understand this situation.

Spk to GP, health visitor etc. Log everything - you may need it. If you've put it in writing to him about fluids, good - you've given him the heads up and he should be showing that he is addressing this.

Now just log it with healthcare professionals every time, take copies/photos of the book each time, make sure it's dated and kept up to date. Keep a note also of how much she needs to drink each time she comes home, how long before a wet nappy etc. It will be put on her/your record. There's history here with SS involvement so they need to take this seriously.

I'm so sorry, it's shit and scary and I do understand

Noti23 · 17/01/2021 02:16

I don’t understand why some people posting here have completely missed the point. Op is not being controlling. Her ex was controlling, abusive and neglectful (caused the child to overheat and go to hospital before due to dehydration) and now has 24 hr unsupervised contact with op’s 2 year old, who comes home gasping for water. As parents, wouldn’t you be bloody terrified too? I have a just turned 2 year old and his sippy cup is always available as he doesn’t ask for water when he’s thirsty despite being very verbal and capable of telling me he’s hungry, etc. It’s parent’s job to half consciously know if their young child has had enough to drink (Mainly by leaving water available). It is not acceptable to forget to give your child a drink. This is especially worrying as op has suggested the dad liked to unnecessarily limit the toddler’s food intake before.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 02:39

OP, I'm surprised at responses (and how many PP said they would risk a childs welfare by writing stupid things in there!)

I don' think you're being unreasonable one bit,

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 02:40

@Trickyboy

If my ex micro managed my parenting the way you are.. I would probably write stuff in the 'handover book' that pressed your buttons.

You need to back off. His time with his child. If she is at a welfare risk you need to raise this with evidence to the court.

The book was advised by services, there's obviously a reason for it. Is it really too much to ask how much the child has had to drink? Takes 2 seconds.

Great idea to press buttons, untill the child ends up in hospital/court and you have to explain that you didn't really mean it.

MotherExtraordinaire · 17/01/2021 07:37

@Wheresmykimchi
Handover contact books are advised where parents basically fail to manage to communicate. So no, it means nothing more than they both need to grow up as parents and to try to stop scoring points!

As for the other issues. The dehydration I presume is your conclusion that he's at fault? Couldn't possibly be the weather at the time? Or some other reasons?

The coats etc and overheating. I suppose assuming the car is literally outside, it could equally have been viewed unnecessary for this to be on the child for a quick dash to the car.

What I do think you're not able to acknowledge is that parenting is a learning curve. And yes he may well have made mistakes. But he's not unique in any of this. And indeed if you could step bzck you'd admit you too have made mistakes. Being a NRP or the the parent who was never the pcg, does mean it takes more occasions of contact to get to the same point on the parenting journey as a PCG.

You do need to separate how crap he was to you as a partner and his role as a parent. And preferable try to see the coparenting role as a new role altogether.

Of course, any parent could be a risk to a child. He could and YOU COULD.

You're presenting everything as having a sadistic ulterior motive on his point. That's rarely the true case.

The food scenario for example. The child shouldn't be hungry. But equally there are plenty of parents who overfed their children. We have no idea of the context. So again, you're hanging on to this and presenting it in this manner, but everything has two sides to the story.

Given he's putting the ml information in, because you have in effect forced him to by suggesting he's caused the dehydration after you took the child to hospital twice. Was she put on a drip? If not, you risk looking like you're ott and possibly presented as though your anxiety is being projected on to her. This happens in court regularly.

It's not abnormal for children to appear emotionally different one return. The ex may well be recording that when baby is with him she's full of beans but then soon as he mentions you she becomes withdrawn and sullen. It genuinely works both ways.

You really would be better off to try and find a way to manage coparenting. You have 16 years ahead of you.

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 17/01/2021 09:41

@MotherExtraordinaire I'm sorry but when you have someone threatening to kill you, make your child an orphan and throw water in your crying 8 month olds face maybe then you wouldn't refer to it as a learning curve.

I've not made it sounds sadistic, I've said before I made suggestions to him in order to get DD to drink.. this was before she overheated. CSC advised the book because DD also had bruising on her arms that ex couldn't explain to them. I could understand if I said my ex is deliberately dehydrating our dd etc but I haven't, I've simply said how she is presenting once home and how much he is giving her and whether or not I should mention this to him. NO ONE has said anything about mentioning this in court, just whether or not to speak to him/email him.

As for the food, I didn't realise I had to go into detail on this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Concernedmama1 · 17/01/2021 09:45

As for changes coming back from contact.. what 4 days, all noted by the HV. Thing is I know what to do about all of that.. I'm asking should I raise this to ex. But after everyone's responses I think it would be best to record it when she returns and log with the HV and GP. While to some it may seem a bit much if DD ever ended up in hospital again I need to show that I've safeguarded her as well.

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Godimabitch · 17/01/2021 10:11

I dont understand why everyone is so confused as to why this is being monitored. The child is being returned dehydrated and ill, and the father has a history of deliberately withholding drink from the child. Obviously the concern is that he is continuing this abuse.

Maybe nappy changes should also be included which would probably show up that her nappies are leaking because he isn't changing her enough.

I would raise you concern with whoever your SS or court contact is, not with him directly.

nonevernotever · 17/01/2021 10:16

after everyone's responses I think it would be best to record it when she returns and log with the HV and GP. While to some it may seem a bit much if DD ever ended up in hospital again I need to show that I've safeguarded her as well.

This in spades op

Hazelnutlatteplease · 17/01/2021 10:16

I think you need to bear in mind that unless DD ends up in hospital regularly, im not sure whether the powers that be will take it as seriously as you do. Once can be passed off as a mistake and if you've had a court case since court may consider the matter dealt with. If the court has already ordered unsupervised contact it is very unlikely they will go back on that. That doesn't mean you shouldn't raise it, but raise it carefully with a realistic idea of what can and cannot be achieved. Fighting battles you can't win, or can't win yet, can undermine what could be achieved long run.

Wheresmykimchi · 17/01/2021 11:20

[quote MotherExtraordinaire]@Wheresmykimchi
Handover contact books are advised where parents basically fail to manage to communicate. So no, it means nothing more than they both need to grow up as parents and to try to stop scoring points!