AIBU to raise this with ex with regards to our dd

[Concernedmama1]

A bit of background, DD is 2, very active, drinks a lot and isn't very verbal. Exp was emotionally abusive towards both of us and had court ordered contact.

Since contact began I have always raised my concerns with regards to how little DD appeared to be drinking during contact.. however I done this in a roundabout why by saying I had noticed and just let him know typically DD likes either warm drinks or really cold (just to help and so did was ok). This got raised in court that I was causing issues etc. Since then we've been using a handover book, ex had consistently said in 24 hours DD is having no more than 400mls of water and on some occasions as little as 100mls. This is unlike DD and I'm concerned for her health as a lot of the time upon return she is very thirsty and won't go toilet for a few hours. I'm thinking of raising this again which may cause issues but I feel I need to
address it. AIBU if I do ?

I’m surprised by all these responses op. 100ml of water in 24hrs is not enough. It’s literally the size of a calpol bottle!

@Concernedmama1

As for changes coming back from contact.. what 4 days, all noted by the HV. Thing is I know what to do about all of that.. I'm asking should I raise this to ex. But after everyone's responses I think it would be best to record it when she returns and log with the HV and GP. While to some it may seem a bit much if DD ever ended up in hospital again I need to show that I've safeguarded her as well.

But the HV, if she is a professional, will simply record this as "Mum reports". And it could well be argued that if your child is showing this behaviour four days later as a 2 year old, that this behaviour is more connected to her time with you and your management etc.

Though all of this seems incredibly significant to you, they're not in terms of the bigger picture.

And the fact that you suggest he was aggressive by throwing water in an 8 months face, which I get would have been distressing for you in what sounds like an incendiary situation, its obvious that the courts and ss do not find him to be a risk at all to his child, else he would not have unsupervised contact and overnights.

As to your op, is really raising this in your child's best interests? If you believe so, then raise it. But given the titfortat that you are involved in, don't expect that this will be received positively and indeed may well be used as yet more evidence of your controlling nature, as is common if the ex was as you say, deflection is commonplace and right now it could be difficult for a 3rd party to distinguish who is actually "right", if either.

I keep an eye on how much DS drinks, if he isn't reminded, he's easily distracted and ends up constipated (he eats plenty of fresh fruit and veg so it isn't that), when DM has him I say don't forget to remind him to have a drink, so I don't think it's odd. I also think OP has grounds for concern given her child ended up overheating and in hospital because he ex partner didn't give enough fluids when she was in his care before. Could you show the book to your social worker if children's services are involved? Just say you've mentioned it to him but you don't want any more conflict and that's what it leads to, but given what happened before you're concerned about her fluid intake

@MotherExtraordinaire I understand what you're saying which is why I haven't raised it again as ex did raise it in court. My concern is simply as contact builds up that DD will be put in a dangerous position again, whether or not this was the intention of my ex. The reason I've asked if because I'm also worried that if I do mention it again that ex will once again raise it in court and while I'm sure the court will just find it annoying that it is being brought up by ex again I could really do without the stress of having to defend myself against yet another thing I.e. The nappies, me following him ex etc.

Children's services have offered early intervention due to hv concerns as they witnessed the behaviour themselves, which I have accepted but ex has declined to engage in. So I really am trying to coparent but co-parenting at the moment with my ex is very much everything is my fault and if I raise any concerns then I'm causing an issue. When he has come to me with issues I've offered suggestions on how to help DD, but the other way around it's just me trying to stop contact progressing.. and I could just shut my mouth but it just feels like I'm back in the relationship.

Also reason it went unsupervised was because supervised seemed to be going well I said I'm more than happy for ex to prove me wrong and more than that be a good dad to our dd.

I dont know if this does apply to your Ex. But I think it's worth bearing in mind that all the while the case is in court what you can achieve is limited. Once they've ordered unsupervised contact its going to take something real serious for them to backflip, ( and frankly you really dont want that for your child). All the time the case is in court and your ex has the satisfaction of "wining" and controlling you through officialdom.

Once it exits the court process, there less for him to win. Theres just the day to day grind of contact and taking care of a child.

Sometimes gently gently catchy monkey.

I think you should not let him see that you are concerned. He is enjoying winding you up and making you anxious. Just quietly document everything and feed back to your HV. Once he doesn't get a reaction he might get bored.