Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

[televino]

Most of the counselling out there is not that great but have you thought of going to a specifically sexual counsellor, or starting again in terms of sex? IE not having penetrative sex at all for a while, but just kissing and stroking and enjoying each other's bodies without the expectation of penetration and porn shit at the end of it - pleasure in its own right.

This makes me feel squeamish and uncomfortable but maybe that's the point (at least for now). I think my natural responses to sex are the opposite to what they should be, on both sides.

I'm concerned that me being OK (or feeling neutral) with him doing this during sex is a gateway to me wanting to be abused / seriously hurt during sex again. I will try and find a sex counsellor, I don't know how that will work during lockdown or if there are any nearby, but I will do a Google soon.

[C0NNIE]

What would happen if you just said to him

“I don’t want to use that position anymore, I find it painful. And I don’t like it when you call me these names - please don’t do it again “

[BooBahBoo]

There's nothing wrong with these things on the basis that both participants are enthusiastic and willing to do them. You aren't, which means it isn't okay.

You need to sit down and have a chat with him and outline, explicitly, what you are okay with, and aren't okay with. I don't think it's fair to immediately call him an abuser because if OP hasn't told him she doesn't like x, y and z and she goes along with it seemingly happily, how would he know?

Of course, if you have the discussion and he then tries stuff that you've said no to, or goes back to name-calling, etc, then it borders into abusive/sexual assault territory and you would need to leave him to protect yourself.

I have a bad experience in the past (I'm sure you can guess what it is), so I have had to be explicitly upfront with partners from that point on and everything had to be on my terms. Many years later I'd say I'm 90% 'healed', and the combination of that plus being with a long term partner who I trust, means I no longer get triggered. But it took time to get there. I had to be explicit with what was ok or I'd be back to square one, again.

I understand it's probably quite an uncomfortable situation to have that sort of discussion, but in my opinion, if you can't feel like you can have it, then he isn't the right man for you.

[gypsywater]

He is abusing you under the guise of risque sex. If he knows about your past and continues this shit then he is a scumbag IMO.

[DfEisashambles]

If he weren’t aware of past issues I’d be more lenient but the fact that he is means he’s very insensitive.

[DeeCeeCherry]

You clearly are still using sex as a self harm behaviour when you are actively initiating a position that you know causes you pain or makes you feel uncomfortable

^^This

[Worldbarbie]

Does your partner have any similar issues?

What’s your support network like OP? How old are you both?

[gannett]

The premise of the thread (and many of the responses) is a little off base.

It doesn't matter what's "normal". It doesn't matter whether this is "standard". Do YOU like it? Is it what you want sex to be? If the answer is no - then you shouldn't have sex like that, and your partner should respect that.

Some people are turned off by the things you describe, some people are turned on by them. Doesn't matter. This is about your personal responses.

[NamechangedHelpPlease]

It sounds like abuse if it causes you pain and you aren't happy with that pain. Then there are the names. It doesn't feel very healthy at all.

[televino]

Does your partner have any similar issues?

He has a history of self harm too (mostly cutting, I think once a considered suicide attempt while driving). He has some issues with alcohol too, but nothing sex-related and nothing out of control, necessarily.

What’s your support network like OP? How old are you both?

In our early twenties, no support network on either side.

[WilsonMilson]

Dirty talk is absolutely fine as long as both parties want and enjoy it. It’s not ok if it makes you uncomfortable or you don’t enjoy it and you need to say so.

It’s never ok to cause you pain on purpose,, do you tell him that position is painful, as if he’s unaware then you can hardly blame him. You should absolutely tell him and not engage in anything you don’t want or like.

I think here your boundaries all blurred probably due to past trauma. You need to know what you like and turns you on, you also need to know that it’s absolutely ok and right to say you don’t want or don’t like something and to expect it to stop.

[televino]

do you tell him that position is painful, as if he’s unaware then you can hardly blame him.

I have told him it's a painful position, yes.

[username888765]

OP it sounds as though you have a very good idea of what's going on here. You talk about self harming behaviour (initiating sex that hurts is self harming) and you also mention dissociation during sex. Sex is something that someone else does to you; it's not something you participate in or want to participate in.

There is no normal when it comes to sex. Sex within a loving, respectful relationship is kind and considerate, taking both people's needs into consideration. There is no right or wrong if it is mutually consensual. The key word here is consent.

It seems as though you are performing sex for the other person, not taking your needs into consideration. This triggers you and you dissociate.

You may have C-PTSD due to your past trauma and may be triggered a lot and just not realise it. There's a good book by Pete Walker called CPTSD from surviving to thriving you can download on amazon, that you might find helpful.

You might find the Freedom Programme which is currently available online, helpful for working out boundaries and red flags in relationships.

You could also contact NAPAC who can direct you towards cheap or free therapy for childhood abuse survivors.

There's a helpline you may find helpful called the Survivor's Trust who you can discuss this with and they can also help you find therapy.

In the meantime, stop having sex you don't want. I know it's hard to assert boundaries but write down what you want to say and how you feel, if you find it difficult to say it directly. Set it out clearly for your partner so he is fully aware of what is happening for you. Perhaps just hugging, kissing and loving affection is all you can deal with while you work this out. A loving partner will support you on your path to healing.

There's some info here on self harm and useful organisations you can contact.

Key words here are kind, love, support, empathy. A healthy relationship has these OP and if you're not experiencing that then take a step back and reassess.

The National Autistic Society may also be helpful for further support and information.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

Why not ask him why he calls you those names? Or be honest and say what you said here, that you don’t know how it makes you feel.

I’m a bit concerned that you say that he is very sexually inexperienced, but on the other hand you seem to have shared with him an awful lot of graphic detail about your previous sexual experience and partners. I get that this is because you have been opening up about your mental health issues, but it’s not really normal to share that much about your sexual past with your current partner. Perhaps that has set the wrong tone for how you relate to each other - eg you thinking he has made assumptions about what you like based on what you told him about past encounters.

[CHIRIBAYA]

'I'm not as active/responsive' in that position' - there's a clue for you, if you think that abusers essentially exploit someone's mind/body/emotions for their own self gratification, release of tension or control. At the moment of greatest intimacy he steps into a role that sets specific demands on you for him to feel 'safe'. Your 'response' to this manoeuvre (and it is a manoeuvre) will signal to you how far along the road to recovery you are and what work you need to do on your own boundaries. You mentioned you are seeking help and this is definitely something that a good trama therapist can help you work through; it is definitely trama related (for you both) Best of luck.

[televino]

I’m a bit concerned that you say that he is very sexually inexperienced, but on the other hand you seem to have shared with him an awful lot of graphic detail about your previous sexual experience and partners. I get that this is because you have been opening up about your mental health issues, but it’s not really normal to share that much about your sexual past with your current partner.

But people are also saying if I didn't tell him about my sexual past, then the onus would be on me for letting him do things without knowing the full story. How much is a normal amount to share with a sexual partner? (genuinely).

And thank you very much for those resources, Username, I'm very appreciative and will have a scour through them soon.

[Worldbarbie]

Can you remember roughly when the names he calls you came about? Did he ask you or tell you that’s something he’s interested in OP?

If I had sex with someone and they just came out with slut/whore I would be mortified by this because I would be shocked that the person hasn’t discussed this with me beforehand!!.

Your both really still young. I don’t think you should be so reliant on a man it’s very unhealthy but I can appreciate you are given your back story .

[Rosebel]

It doesn't actually matter if it's normal or not. The fact is you don't like it.
My husband says certain things like that but knows there are some names I won't tolerate (whore being one of them) so he doesn't say them.
Why are you having sex in a position that causes you pain? You aren't obliged to have sex in a position he likes if it hurts you.
I don't think what you have described is harmful but if you don't like it it's not okay and you are perfectly within your rights to tell him that.

[televino]

Your both really still young. I don’t think you should be so reliant on a man it’s very unhealthy but I can appreciate you are given your back story flowers.

Possibly true, but there's a whole lot of factors contributing to the dependence. While I choose to be with him as a husband, the dependency isn't something I would choose necessarily.

Can you remember roughly when the names he calls you came about? Did he ask you or tell you that’s something he’s interested in OP?

No, he didn't mention he was going to. I can't remember specifically but I think a few months into the relationship when things got more comfortable. He had some problems with PME (still does) so I think the first few months he was focused on trying to control that.

[PlinkPlink]

I think that you need to not have sex for a while.

You don't know what you like or don't like. There is a risk of you asking for more dangerous sex. You need a reset.

Do you think he can solve your problems? Or is he your saviour? Do you feel like you can't survive without him?

If you say yes to any of those that is a dangerous place to be.

You need to realise your salvation/safety/self worth comes from you. The healing has to come completely from you and it can't be from anyone else.

Not wanting sex is a normal response to past abuse. Your partner needs to understand this.

[televino]

Do you think he can solve your problems? Or is he your saviour? Do you feel like you can't survive without him?

If you say yes to any of those that is a dangerous place to be.

I don't think he can solve my problems, but yes I do consider him a saviour and I don't feel I could survive without him. That's not healthy but as I mentioned upthread, there are a whole variety of reasons for that.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

But people are also saying if I didn't tell him about my sexual past, then the onus would be on me for letting him do things without knowing the full story. How much is a normal amount to share with a sexual partner?

I don’t read that anywhere here. You should treat each sexual encounter individually, it’s up to you to decide what is acceptable at that time, no need to justify it with reference to either past partners or even past encounters with that particular partner.

As for how much sharing is normal, my husband and I have no desire to hear a single detail about each other’s past sex lives. I can’t speak for others but why would you want to know?

[televino]

As for how much sharing is normal, my husband and I have no desire to hear a single detail about each other’s past sex lives. I can’t speak for others but why would you want to know?

If I had a partner who had trauma from something innocuous like being touched on the leg, I'd want to be aware of it so I can avoid doing it (especially unintentionally). He knows because a lot of it relates to my character and the way I behave now. Maybe that was wrong of me, but I thought it was important.

[diddl]

If he knows it hurts-he shouldn't (imo) be doing it even if you initiate it.

With the name calling he seems to think it's some degrading role play!

[Worldbarbie]

I think sometimes you can over share I once did this with a BF. Not regarding sex but it became a problem later on.

To be honest I don’t think it’s fair to say he is an abuser like another person said.

You asked if this is normal.... I would say NO it is not normal.

Normal varies. But too use those names during sex is not normal and I wouldn’t say on average everybody is doing that although some people may do that. Especially as you have not said it’s ok to call you slut.

Would he be angry if you said you don’t want to be referred to that during sex?