Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

[Hailtomyteeth]

I feel fortunate he's not expressed interest in it
So many women think they 'ought' to do anal... glad you aren't pressed into that (if you don't want it).
He shouldn't be hurting you, though.
Can you imagine a life without him?

[televino]

Can you imagine a life without him?

I can't, no.

[Peace43]

I rather enjoy both name calling and a bit of pain during sex. My DP and I had a lot of discussions about sexual preferences in our early days and he is confident about what I like.
You need to discuss with your DP and he should not do anything that makes you unhappy / uncomfortable. That boundary will be different for different people. There is no “wrong” sexual behaviour only wrong for you. If the names don’t do anything for you then ask him not to use them. If you don’t enjoy pain with your fucking then tell him that too!

[ChronicallyCurious]

I don’t think there’s any normal. It’s what you like.

Have these names been something he’s always called you during sex? Now that you’re aware have you voiced how you don’t like it? How did he respond?

I’ve had a lot of casual sex (also self harming behaviour, I have BPD). I wouldn’t say that this is common, however not as uncommon as one may think, particularly in younger men. I do think an element of it is that kind of sex is now acceptable and widely available in porn. I have an ex who used to like name calling as well as some quite heavy BDSM which I was okay with, however that was because I felt safe in the relationship and we discussed boundaries regularly (outside the bedroom in a safe environment) and he knew what I was happy and not happy with. There were times when he did something I didn’t like and I expected him to know I didn’t like it because I didn’t respond as much as I usually would. He didn’t.

It is perfectly okay for you to set your boundaries, you do not need to accept being called a whore etc if you don’t want to be called that! Don’t initiate a position just because he likes it if you don’t. My partner really likes a position that used to be good for us and over the last six months it too has caused me great discomfort (I have endo) and after sitting him down and talking about it we don’t do that anymore. I do think it’s worth having a talk outside of the bedroom- not just a ‘I don’t like that’ when he tries to do it. Sit him down and have a proper discussion about how you feel and if he is still doing it knowing you don’t like it then I think it’s time to think about leaving as that’s damaging sexual behaviour.

[Takingontheflab]

Absolutely not normal imo.

[Bubbles1st]

It all depends on what he knows and what he doesn't.
If you are talking about what you do and don't want and he continues to do it, it isn't ok that you dont speak up and remind him that is not what you want. You are entitled to want different things.

If he is in the dark about this and thinks you have no issues then he isnt doing anything wrong, yet.

As for the actual name calling during the deed, i think this is a reasonable thing to occur however to me their needs to a mix of love making in there for it to be healthy over all.

[TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag]

He knows that position hurts you and does it anyway. He shouldn’t want to hurt you, that’s not normal and I wonder how “nice affectionate” he would be if you weren’t so compliant due to the issues you have. The name calling during sex... just yuck.

[televino]

Have these names been something he’s always called you during sex? Now that you’re aware have you voiced how you don’t like it? How did he respond?

He had sex with one person prior to me, so in the early days he didn't call me anything. I think there's a chance on some level that because I've used sex with dominant ( / abusive ) men as a self harm method previously, he's taken that as "she must like dominant men". I've had a conversation about the sexual pain from certain positions, but not the name-calling as I didn't know if it was something I should call him out or not. I don't know if it upsets me, or if I'm fine with it, I can't tell anymore.

[Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople]

I think this needs to be a firm boundary. What helps with this is thinking - if I was certain his opinion and love for me wouldn’t change, what would I say no to? Then say no. Because either it won’t change (sounds likely) because he is a decent man. OR it does change and you’ve had a lucky escape from abuse.

I’d also recommend psychotherapy which is rarely available on the NHS but often can be found very cheaply through charities. That may help with the “root causes” you talked about. You could also ask for DBT which may be more available on NHS and could help with boundaries too.

Best of luck OP and please please tell your DP outright no to anything that hurts you whether it pleases him or not.

[Xmassprout]

Initiating a position that is uncomfortable for you is a self harming behaviour. Considering he knows about your self harming behaviours, I'm surprised he would use a position he knows is uncomfortable for you, regardless whether or not you initiate it

[TooTrueToBeGood]

I really get off on some of what you describe

Perhaps you should consider why you get off on it before you conclude that the fact that you do makes it OK.

DH is not a woman hater

Misogyny is not always black and white, there are invariably a lot of shades of grey. Someone who truly respects women wouldn't be comfortable calling a partner those names even if asked to.

[honeylulu]

That’s very judgmental and narrow minded! I really get off on some of what you describe, DH is not a woman hater

I'll take that. I still think it's revolting. "Whores" aka prostitutes do that job out of desparation not, as the men who use it as an insult seem to think, because they are uncontrollably desirous of cock.

You want to be called a prostitute. Good for you. But for many women: degrading and humiliating.

[ProfessorSillyStuff]

I'd be tempted to see how he likes his own medicine- tell him he's a little slut and whore right back! Lol
Tell him you miss doing your favourite position, you know, the one that requires his cock to bend back on itself painfully!

[2021hastobebetter]

@HowManyToes

His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.

This. Exactly anyone causing me any pain who either didn't stop immediately or then went on to ask to do that particular thing would be dumped.
Likewise a healthy relationship is saying 'I don't like it when you do.......' and they say 'I'm sorry -I didn't realise. I won't do it again' -that's normal.

[Frenchdressing]

Ugh. I’m just old and inhibited I guess but I can’t imagine ever enjoying sex like this. I just think we live in a horrible porn culture where this stuff is normalised. Not my idea of a good time.

[SendMeHome]

@televino Do you just need to stop sex for a while and work this through in your head? That’s okay, if that’s what you need.

I honestly couldn’t have sex with my husband if he felt like you do. I wouldn’t want him to do it for me. I wouldn’t want to be a part of anything that caused him physical or mental pain, or was self-harm, or caused him to disassociate.

I suspect that you’d need to stop sex to work through your feelings about it, but if you don’t want that, I’d definitely at least stop having sex soggy style, and stop the name calling. Just tell your husband you’re not enjoying it right now. It’s not doing anything for you, so it can go.

That’s no big deal, honestly

[Alexandernevermind]

I'm really sorry to comment with out reading all of your first post and your updates, I couldn't bring myself to, it's too upsetting to read. When I read the first bit of your opening post, I thought - lock him the hell out of your bedroom. Your last update says you are grateful he hasn't asked for anal, this makes me think - get yourself to a councillor. Please value yourself more than this.

[televino]

Likewise a healthy relationship is saying 'I don't like it when you do.......' and they say 'I'm sorry -I didn't realise. I won't do it again' -that's normal.

He's done that previously. He slapped me a few times during sex, which I said I didn't like and he's apologised and has not done it since. I don't know, I think I probably give out mixed messages by consenting to the painful position for his satisfaction.

[partyatthepalace]

Ok, I think whatever you do OP you need to organise some support through therapy to sort things out.

I know now it’s not an ideal time, but hope you’ll be able to take a look online and also book a call with your GP on Monday. A few people have mentioned the freedom programme so perhaps look at that too.

You will be able to keep moving up as long as you take action. You’ve come so far - make sure this is just a plateau and go get some support.

[ScreamingBeans]

I think among younger men and women who have been brought up on misogynistic porn, this name calling is normal, but that doesn't mean it's good and if you don't like it, it shouldn't be happening.

A generation which learned their sexual etiquette from woman-hating porn where there is no such thing as a woman, only dehumanised sluts, whores, slappers etc., have internalised the misogyny and don't know what it's like to not need that to get off.

As a society we need to de-toxify and as a couple it sounds like you two do. Most of the counselling out there is not that great but have you thought of going to a specifically sexual counsellor, or starting again in terms of sex? IE not having penetrative sex at all for a while, but just kissing and stroking and enjoying each other's bodies without the expectation of penetration and porn shit at the end of it - pleasure in its own right.

I think your dissociation from what's happening when you have sex, is something you probably need to talk through with a sexual expert rather than just a general counsellor. And your OH needs to listen to you and stop doing stuff you don't like.

[2021hastobebetter]

@honeylulu

That’s very judgmental and narrow minded! I really get off on some of what you describe, DH is not a woman hater

I'll take that. I still think it's revolting. "Whores" aka prostitutes do that job out of desparation not, as the men who use it as an insult seem to think, because they are uncontrollably desirous of cock.

You want to be called a prostitute. Good for you. But for many women: degrading and humiliating.

I agree. I had someone who called me a "little hussy wanting cock all the time" and some other stuff during sex -biggest turn OFF ever. Immediately stopped. He apologised. Never did it again. But the idea that it turned him on to call the woman names didn't sit nicely with me. It made me uncomfortable and I ended it shortly after.

[LiJo2015]

YANBU.

Past trauma or not. If you dont like something during sex you have the absolute right to say no. This is absolutely central to consent and if your partner is not accepting this he is abusing you.

[televino]

Do you just need to stop sex for a while and work this through in your head? That’s okay, if that’s what you need.

I've done that previously, we were recently on a streak of not having sex for my mental health but I started it up again as I felt like I should. Not having sex just means my desire to not have sex gets stronger though, and I know from threads on here it's reasonable to leave your partner if they don't have sex with you. I don't want that.

[daisyjgrey]

I've experienced men saying things like that, I'm not either not bothered or have occasionally played up to it depending on the person, so I'd say it's 'normal' but only where its consensual. If someone had done it and I'd said "stop it, I don't like it" and they'd carried on then it's not normal and game over.

My partner doesn't do it, he'll say occasionally 'dirty' things but they tend to relate to what we're doing rather than me personally, he'll also say complementary things in a turned on way occasionally too.

[2021hastobebetter]

@televino

Likewise a healthy relationship is saying 'I don't like it when you do.......' and they say 'I'm sorry -I didn't realise. I won't do it again' -that's normal.

He's done that previously. He slapped me a few times during sex, which I said I didn't like and he's apologised and has not done it since. I don't know, I think I probably give out mixed messages by consenting to the painful position for his satisfaction.

I'm not talking about someone slapping or punching you and then saying 'opps I didn't realise that you didn't want to be slapped'. Sorry but that's a given.

Why are you consenting you pain? Why are you not saying 'Stop calling me names during sex, I don't want to do X either as he hurts'. Put your boundary in.

IF he says 'But I enjoy it' -your reply. Tough, I don't.

If he tries to keep going - I'd say - Let's insert a needle up your cock as I enjoy sewing, and it relaxes me -and see what he says then.