Calls me a whore during sex

[televino]

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

[Rosehip10]

No, sexual positions which cause you pain are not acceptable for him to do - have you told him?

[surelynotnever]

So much in here.

Firstly, it doesn't matter if other people like being called names during sex, you don't. I have never had that (i'.m 47) and I've had some abysmal sexual encounters but never that. If you don't like it, it should not happen. if you don't like it, your partner should not want to call you it. Simple as that.
Never have sex that causes you pain.

If you have no desire for sexual satisfaction - is that even by yourself? Do you know what causes you pleasure? Would you like to start to want pleasure during sex? If so, I suggest starting with your own solo practice and look up OMGyes, as a source of information.

[partyatthepalace]

I see, but it sounds like you have got to grips with self harm yourself.

I think returning to counselling to talk through your feelings might help you build self esteem so you can move upwards.

Would you consider that? And talking to your GP to get their view?

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

@HowManyToes

His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.

This.

I'm sorry OP but you are being abused. Just read that sentence again.
This is most certainly not normal behaviour.

[VestaTilley]

YANBU. I’m sorry OP- but it is not at all normal.

You should never, ever have sex you don’t want or sexual positions that cause you pain.

If it’s anal sex you’re talking about you do not have to do it. Most women don’t. I never have and never will.

My DH doesn’t watch porn and he’s never called me a negative name at all, and never during sex. Please don’t let him convince you his behaviour is normal. It isn’t. I’m sorry.

Google The Freedom Programme, and remember you may be happier single, and being single is normal and fine. Better than being with an abuser or a man who exploits your past trauma.

You never owe anyone sex.

[WiseOwlRelaxing]

@televino is the root problem core shame?

I have read some good books on core shame. John Bradshaw and Joseph brugo and I've another one on the shelf to get through.

You just honestly can tie every ''issue'' back to unresolved core shame.

xx

[televino]

Would you like to feel close/intimate with him? Would you like to feel secure and loved? Would you like to feel emotionally and physically connected?

Yes and no. It sounds nice to be able to properly let someone in in order to be intimate with them, but I also don't want to do that or be vulnerable enough for that at all. I don't know why. Sorry, I know this makes no sense.

Have you told him you dont like it though - is he particularly experienced or is he doing it because he thinks he should

Yes, I've told him. He's not especially experienced at all, no, so I think some elements of "should do this" play into it for both of us probably.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Firstly, it doesn't matter if other people like being called names during sex, you don't. I have never had that (i'.m 47) and I've had some abysmal sexual encounters but never that. If you don't like it, it should not happen. if you don't like it, your partner should not want to call you it. Simple as that.
Never have sex that causes you pain

Exactly. Its completely and utterly irrelevant if others enjoy being called a whore or slut during sex. Thats great if they enjoy it but YOU DONT LIKE IT which is why it should fcking stop.

[Neolara]

From reading this thread, clearly lots of people think it's ok for a man to call their partner a whore or slut during sex.

However, given the words whore and slut are usually used to try to humiliate and degrade women, I'm wondering why people are ok with this?

[honeylulu]

This is so horrible. I may be narrow minded but derogatory name calling someone you love during sex seems so horrible. I dont mean all dirty talk (which isn't my thing my I get why some people like to vocalise their enthusiasm) but "slut" and "whore" are slang words for promiscuous and prostitute. I really don't understand why a man would say that to his wife unless he was a woman hater/misogynist . Those terms are expressions of disgust for "loose" women. Sadly some men do have the madonna/whore thing going on. They want to "have" you but if you "let" them then you're no better than a prostitute. Why would a man want to convey that to a woman he's supposed to love?

[Lovelydiscusfish]

The language is fine ONLY in the context of a relationship where it has been discussed beforehand, the man is clear that his partner enjoys being spoken to like this during sex (not just is willing to tolerate it - actively enjoys it), and where she knows she can stop it at any point as soon as she wants to, and exactly how to do so (safe words).

This does not seem to be the situation here.

If everything else is good in the relationship I think it is worth a discussion with him about it. If he doesn’t completely and immediately respect the boundaries you put in place tho, you mustn’t continue with this relationship.

Re doing the position that hurts you, you have nothing to feel bad about, you have done it for loving reasons, but you need to stop now and he needs to accept this. Some people enjoy some pain in sex and that’s fine. But from what you say that clearly isn’t your thing, and he needs to accept this going forwards. If he doesn’t, completely, then he really isn’t a good man.........

[pinbinpin]

This may be missing the point but have you tried using pillows, standing up, elbows up/down etc to change the angle in that position? It can make a big difference. If he is willing to try things like that or not use that position then I think that's ok, but communication is the key here and it sounds like you are not communicating about this at all.

[category12]

Perhaps you would find EMDR useful if you haven't tried it, as it's supposed to be good for dealing with trauma triggers.

You need to stop initiating sexual positions you don't enjoy and hurt you, and say to your DH that you don't like being called those names during sex (or at any time). If he doesn't stop, you have a bigger problem.

[Hailtomyteeth]

I don't know if it's 'normal' but I do know that it is unacceptable. He shouldn't be calling you names while he's fucking you, unless you particularly want him to.

Nor should he be causing you pain, at all, ever... unless it's a kink of yours and you've particularly said you want it. You don't have to initiate things that you don't really want.

When you say 'position'...do you mean eg doggy rather than missionary, or are you talking about a different sex act, like anal? Either way, he shouldn't be hurting you. If you asking him not to do this (and the name calling) any more, then he does it again, you need to finish with him. Your body, your choice.

If you're to scared or shy - or uncertain - to speak up, you need to leave him for the sake of your own health and well-being.

I recommend that you find therapy. Someone to talk to about your identity and experiences. When you're more sure of who you are, you won't put up with this abuse.

[Megan2018]

It all depends on whether you have told him surely. If you have asked him not to and he still does = abusive.
If you initiate something and don’t tell him to stop = not abusive.
If you ask him to stop and he doesn’t immediately = abusive.

I like a bit of pain sometimes, but not always. DH is responsive. Our language during sex would be unacceptable to some people, but we like it. If he said something I didn’t like he’d stop.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

OP, if you've told him you don't like the insults and the painful sex, he should stop doing it. You said he only does painful sex if you initiate it, but you're presumably initiating it because you have low self-esteem and feel you have to please him. He should not be pleased by doing something that hurts you.

If you're talking about anal sex, it can cause internal injuries.

You deserve so much better than this, OP. Can you talk to him about this? Will he change?

You say he's lovely. But treating you like that when he knows about your childhood trauma and self-harm sounds abusive. Very definitely not lovely.

[ithinkyouareveryrude]

Disgusting language for someone you care about.

Stop sex immediately whenever he calls you this to hammer home how unacceptable it is. Explain every time why it upsets you.

If the problem persists you have far deeper problems in your marriage.

Have you told him that it hurts? If you already have and he keeps wanting to do it then you need to ask yourself why the fuck you are with him.

[BubblyBarbara]

Disgusting. To be honest any woman who would tolerate being called vile names like this during sex are basically against feminism and conditioning their men to think that feminism isn’t a universal must and only matters outside of the bedroom

[televino]

This may be missing the point but have you tried using pillows, standing up, elbows up/down etc to change the angle in that position?

Yes, we've also tried on different heights (e.g. bed vs table) but it's just uncomfortable for me. I don't know why, maybe it is a position that requires more lubrication - sorry, gross word.

If you have no desire for sexual satisfaction - is that even by yourself? Do you know what causes you pleasure? Would you like to start to want pleasure during sex? If so, I suggest starting with your own solo practice and look up OMGyes, as a source of information.

I know what's pleasurable and I do masturbate, I just don't think I've ever seen sex as a thing where I'm actively involved. I don't know how to put it. I think it's probably due to over-use of porn when I was very young, all sex feels like something you should be doing for a camera / third party. I'm never really present.

Would you consider that? And talking to your GP to get their view?

I will try and seek counselling again, but I think it may be challenging during lockdown (and also the faff of finding a semi-decent one).

[user1466068383]

There is no blanket rule of what is abnormal or normal in sex, some people love things that would traumatise others. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then it is not right for you, and you should talk to him about it.

You have the right to say no to anything you don't like during sex - even if it's something that other people are fine with. After all sex should ultimately give you pleasure, if something's not feeling right don't do it.

There's a great podcast called 'Guys we fucked', that really helped me gain alot of confidence around sex - and empowered me to ask for what I want, and to say no to what wasn't right. It's pretty outrageous at times, and totally not shaming, they really want to encourage people to do what's right for them.

[Megan2018]

@honeylulu

This is so horrible. I may be narrow minded but derogatory name calling someone you love during sex seems so horrible. I dont mean all dirty talk (which isn't my thing my I get why some people like to vocalise their enthusiasm) but "slut" and "whore" are slang words for promiscuous and prostitute. I really don't understand why a man would say that to his wife unless he was a woman hater/misogynist . Those terms are expressions of disgust for "loose" women. Sadly some men do have the madonna/whore thing going on. They want to "have" you but if you "let" them then you're no better than a prostitute. Why would a man want to convey that to a woman he's supposed to love?

That’s very judgmental and narrow minded!
I really get off on some of what you describe, DH is not a woman hater!
Jesus

[televino]

When you say 'position'...do you mean eg doggy rather than missionary, or are you talking about a different sex act, like anal?

Doggy vs missionary, specifically. I have some trauma from anal, so I feel fortunate he's not expressed interest in it.

[Godimabitch]

We have a very varied and "out there", for a lot of people, sex life. DH would never say those words to me and would be out on the street bollock naked if he ever did.

Aa far as favouring a position that hurts you, it depends if he enjoys it because it hurts you, which is very concerning, or just so happens to prefer that and it just so happens to hurt you.
Atm missionary hurts me, but its DHs favourite, not connected but he makes an effort to find alternative postions that dont hurt.

The fact you have history of trauma and mental health issues means he should be more considerate of your feelings around sex.

I'm worried you're in an abusive relationship.

[Godimabitch]

Alot of people do enjoy that type of talk in the bedroom, but it should always be at the recipients request or suggestion as should all things that involve someone submitting to another person. It should never be against their will.