To stay in a marriage that is a bit crap.

[Teloiv]

Hear me out - I don’t think a man is the be all and end all of my life. If I gave a shit and thought I really wanted a relationship then maybe I would leave. But, I have no interest in meeting anybody else.

My marriage is shit. I could give you a million reasons why but you’d all tell me to LTB and I don’t want to. He has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, is the main issue. I’ve found the term ‘vulnerable narcissist’ this evening and it fits him perfectly.

I don’t want to divorce because my kids are my priority and I want to spend every single day with them. I want to wake up on Christmas Day and every birthday and have them with me. I don’t want them hopping from house to house. I want to have enough money to do nice things and have a house big enough for us all.

I actually get on with my DH alright. Never used to. But nowadays, we’re busy with life and we just get on with it and actually have fun together as a family. We do also have good sex. So it’s not that we’re just friends. But, the respect has gone. Both ways. I know he isn’t a ‘life partner’ and I can’t imagine wanting to live with him when the kids have all gone.

Anyone else?
Am I mad to stay?
Could we ‘separate’ but live together. Which would basically mean just cutting out the sex and letting go of expectations for each other?

I dunno. I’ve wanted to leave for a while and now I’ve distanced myself from him emotionally and stopped expecting anything from him, I don’t actually feel that bothered by him or care for change. I’m pretty content just focusing on work and the kids. It’s made me realise that I could just stay. But, am I giving up the opportunity to meet somebody for the future.

My heads in a scramble of over-thinking.

Yeah stay

If you stay then you are forcing your children to live every day of their lives with a narcissistic too. Can you protect them from that? Can you ensure they dont normalise his behaviour.

How does he feel?

don't live your life a certain way just because you think there's a bunch of mumsnetters who say you should. If you're fine to live with the way things are which I also think is best then I think it's ok. But what if your husband got into a new relationship and tore everything apart. If you seperated he'd be able to

The only regret about getting divorced us not getting divorced years earlier. Once you lose respect for them it never comes back.

Do you want your children modelling her idea of what a good relationship is for their future based on seeing their mother taking care of a narcissist as if he was a child? You can damage kids more by staying than by leaving sometimes...

I checked out of my marriage emotionally some time ago and am currently treading water while I figure it out so I cannot tell you that yabu.

But you do deserve better

I’ve known someone in a marriage like this. She stayed for the kids; on a day to day basis it was sort of okay. But she’d mentally checked out. And then she fell head over heels for someone else. Saw her shot at the life and love she’d never thought she’d have. But boy, did the shit hit the fan. She said she really wished she’d bitten the bullet and sorted if out/divorced at the point she had checked out.

Basically, your position is probably easier in the short term, but not in the long term, if that makes sense?

You're going to stay, because you've made that decision. I'm unsure what you want from this post. Either people agree with you, in which case it makes no difference, or they don't, which means pages of criticism.

Personally I want my child to grow up seeing loving relationships. It's a priority having seen children grow up with parents who didn't like each other.

Stay, I suppose. Divorce is such a faff it only makes sense if you're really unhappy or have found someone else, in my book. If you're both OK with treading water then that's the kind of marriage you can have.

You say 'my kids are my priority', but they're not really, are they? You're prioritising your need to be with them all the time over them living in two happier homes, albeit smaller ones.

I do get where you're coming from - I'd hate for my children to live between two houses and only spend 50% of the 'important' days with them but I think it would be better for them than living with two unhappy parents. And they will, without a doubt, pick up on it.

Oh sorry I missed the part about kids **. Don't stay in that case, you may have decided to stay comfortable with a "vulnerable narcissist" but your kids haven't and you shouldn't subject them to that.

Tbh, in the long run, he think you’ll regret it. My mum stayed with my dad until we’d left the nest, so to speak, and I wish she’d left him when she had the chance. She was so unhappy and depressed by that point it took her years to pull herself up. She’s with an amazing man now and could have been having that years before. I get that you want the security, but it’s more damaging than you realise for the kids. I haven’t had anything to do with my dad for 17 years now, and I don’t regret it one bit. I only realised about 5 years ago that he was a narcissist.

@Porcupineintherough I know what you’re saying.

The thing is, because I’ve kind of checked out - we don’t really butt heads anymore and life is quite peaceful. The last few months have been ok and we’ve got on well and I’ve started to feel a bit walmer towards him. Then something triggered him to act like a knob and I was reminded that the ‘narcissist’ side of him is still there. Then I realised that I really need to stay in that place or being emotionally distant from him.

My worry is - he can be short with the kids and I have to reign it in. I’d rather be able to see what he’s like and make sure he’s being ‘nice’.

People will tell you to leave but in the real world there must be loads of people in relationships like this. The grass isn't always greener so I'm not going to tell you what to do.

Can I also say I think you’ve helped me a lot there with the ‘vulnerable narcissist’ info, because it pretty much describes my OH to a ‘T’, and he agrees. He’s currently having online counselling and it’s closely linked to borderline personality disorder I can see. It definitely explains a lot to me about him.

People will tell you to leave but in the real world there must be loads of people in relationships like this. The grass isn't always greener so I'm not going to tell you what to do.

That is true, and many will tell you to stay. It is true that a lot of people have bad relationships and stay anyway, because they are afraid of change (£££). It takes more courage to leave, staying looks easier even if it makes you miserably unhappy.

I think OP you have a heathy starting point for divorce, you are thinking of leaving because you are disappointed with the situation, not thinking there may be “someone better out there”. Obviously, it may be or it may not.

If checking out starts making you feel as if you are dying inside, leave. You don’t need to wait until you are both so fed up of the situation that things start getting nasty.

A lot of people who end up having horrible splits could have ended having an amicable split and a good chance at co parenting separately as a team if they had not decided to wait until they start throwing nasty comments or even things to each other.

If you want to stay, try to repair the situation, book some counselling or at least give sorting your marriage a deadline. Staying without that purpose may waste valuable years of your life and make the split more difficult for the children. At the end of the day, it is not divorce that damages children but all the arguments, nastiness and disagreements they need to endure when their parent start finding the other insufferable.

I'm in a similarish situation OP.

I still love him in a way, I'm not scared of him or anything but my respect for him has well and truly gone now, and I know he won't change. I know I should LTB and that verdict would be unanimous.

I too get the checking out and I'm ok for a while if a bit irritated with him, and then he does or says something and I get hurt again. Exactly the same.

It's up to you I guess. I don't know either.

In your situation I think might stay if he was good to the kids, but make a FOF in case I changed mind. Keep it in cash where he won't find it. If it goes into a bank it has to be declared. You have a decent sex life, get on ok and if he is kind to.kids I could tolerate that in short to medium term. If you don't love him he can't really hurt you.

I don't know anyone who regretted leaving a crap marriage. I know plenty of people who regret not leaving one.

I don't know anyone who regretted leaving a crap marriage. I know plenty of people who regret not leaving one.

Same here, many times over. I also know many people who grew up with miserable parents who wished their parents had divorced. Kids know exactly what's going on, and it eats them up inside.

How many years of living like this will you have to tolerate before you can leave/sell your house and split/whatever ?

And when you finally do split what do you think your children will say to you after compromising their lives for a cushty life ?

And how many years will you have to live like this knowing you can't date anyone else ?

It ain't right

Exactly!

It's not very brave. And it's about you having more money and a nice house. Nothing about showing your kids what a healthy dynamic looks like. But you've made your decision so I guess do that.

I'm in a similar situation OP and I've also checked out.
I'm staying for the kids sake too and also scared of leaving even though I'm unhappy.
I'm scared of the finances and how I'll be able to afford to keep working with 3 kids 2 in the early years of primary school.

I've said to myself I'll keep going like this and see how I'm feeling in the next 5 years when the kids start secondary school.

We don't fight in front of the kids in fact we don't really spend much time together at all and he has no interest in us as a family.
I'm just treading water till things either get better or it's time for me to leave.