To stay in a marriage that is a bit crap.

[Teloiv]

Hear me out - I don’t think a man is the be all and end all of my life. If I gave a shit and thought I really wanted a relationship then maybe I would leave. But, I have no interest in meeting anybody else.

My marriage is shit. I could give you a million reasons why but you’d all tell me to LTB and I don’t want to. He has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, is the main issue. I’ve found the term ‘vulnerable narcissist’ this evening and it fits him perfectly.

I don’t want to divorce because my kids are my priority and I want to spend every single day with them. I want to wake up on Christmas Day and every birthday and have them with me. I don’t want them hopping from house to house. I want to have enough money to do nice things and have a house big enough for us all.

I actually get on with my DH alright. Never used to. But nowadays, we’re busy with life and we just get on with it and actually have fun together as a family. We do also have good sex. So it’s not that we’re just friends. But, the respect has gone. Both ways. I know he isn’t a ‘life partner’ and I can’t imagine wanting to live with him when the kids have all gone.

Anyone else?
Am I mad to stay?
Could we ‘separate’ but live together. Which would basically mean just cutting out the sex and letting go of expectations for each other?

I dunno. I’ve wanted to leave for a while and now I’ve distanced myself from him emotionally and stopped expecting anything from him, I don’t actually feel that bothered by him or care for change. I’m pretty content just focusing on work and the kids. It’s made me realise that I could just stay. But, am I giving up the opportunity to meet somebody for the future.

My heads in a scramble of over-thinking.

@fedupathome I think if I was you, I’d want out too.

We do spend time together and it can be fun. Silly things like playing top trumps or just having ‘movie night’. With the kids that is. I’ve made it clear to him that I don’t want to spend time with him anymore and told him that I want to mentally detach from him because when I’m pushing forward, he just disappoints me and each time he has one of his episodes I’m reminded that I should have left. It makes me more upset and angry each time, because of the false hope and disappointment.

He used to work evenings but has started new shifts today, leaving at 5am. I’ve woke up without him and instantly gone on right move looking at rentals because it’s so nice not having him here. I just can’t be arsed with him anymore. But then the kids!!! It’s so hard!

But you say he can be ‘short’ with the children — what does that mean? Surely it suggests he’s not great with them, either?

I think your kids have to be the focus here. How old are they? If he's short with them now, what will he do when they turn into teenagers? Ultimately you have to provide the best possible environment for them to grow up in. Things may be OK now, but are you prepared to get the hell out if that changes?

I suspect many relationships feel a bit dull at times, once the initial 2 year spark has gone. IMHO, that's ok and wouldn't be a reason to leave

Some of your comments suggest it may be worse than that

Strangers on the internet can't advise you. How about some relationship counselling?

Is it normal to psycho analyse your husband? Really, poor guy. I wonder what category of narcissist you would fall under?

@IamGateshead poor guy? Don’t get me started.

Relationship counselling is not really on the cards I don’t think. Their is (or was) definite ‘abuse’ in the relationship and I’ve been told it isn’t appropriate in that case.

He’s been an awful awful person to be around and his behaviour has intensified as time has gone on. The only way to deal with him is to ignore him and cut yourself off emotionally.

Things have been okay for a while, but only because I ignore him.

When I say angry with the kids - most of the time it is manageable and I can tell him to chill out. It’s draining because I have to come in and deal with any situations that he finds stressful. When he’s in one of moods which can be triggered by anything - he is awful and I have to tell him to stay away because he will snap at them for anything. He talks to them like a child who is bickering with another child. And will say things like “go away” which I just find totally inappropriate.

Like I say - the best way to manage it is to actually withdraw from him and leave him to it. He’s perfectly fine when everything is easy. But the minute their is anything stressful going on, he can’t handle it.

He honestly makes my life harder and saying that makes me realise how ridiculous it is that I want to stay.

But it’s just finances would be so tight with running 2 households and I just think it would be easier for us to continue in this detached kind of relationship where we act like friends to be honest.
I don’t hate him. I like him when he’s being decent. He has issues and I’d stand by him if he was actually addressing them, but he isn’t.

I am in your exact situation without the sex though. He started withholding it as a punishment but it has never come back (over 2 years now). We used to argue and I was desperate to leave, but it has gone past that now and we have a peaceful house and get along fine. I don’t expect anything from him though and every conversation is just about our daughter. I have my friends and family for everything else. My partner is a good Dad, just an inadequate partner - also a narcissist. I understand him now though and can deal with it. I will leave him when our daughter is late teens. It will be hard as he is v dependent on me and I will feel guilty, but less so when our daughter is older. I do want a fulfilling relationship but don’t mind waiting. So, I don’t think you are being unreasonable really. I don’t want to split custody either and that is my priority right now.

@Mummadeeze exactly. And also, my DH is a decent dad - when he has me here to micromanage everything and make everything fun and he just has to tag along.

I know it’s easy to say that splitting is the best thing but I honestly don’t think that it would be good to send my kids to stay with him a few nights a week. I definitely don’t think it’s better than what we’re doing now. They’re happy and we’re generally happy now I’ve learnt to just let go of any idea of things getting better and I’ve realised I can’t ‘fix’ him.

I’ve spent years trying and trying and when it’s only you trying, it’s demoralising.

I know we could be happy - if there was never any stressful situations. But it’s such a burden for me. It is like an additional child that I have to worry about.

I suppose I posted because I wondered if people would make me see sense and give me the courage to leave.

But I don’t think I’m ready. I am happy with my life and don’t think I’d want a relationship for a very long time after this. So what’s the point?

As others have said, it is entirely possible to stay in this kind of a marriage - so many do and I did myself for a long time - but you leave yourself very vulnerable to a major pull factor, falling for someone else being the main one. If that happens, then decisions are made emotionally rather than rationally and the shit really hits the fan. You are also totally on the back foot then in terms of blame, custody etc. What you are planning to do essentially involves shutting down a whole side of yourself and I just don't know how feasible that is in the modern era when you actually do have choices, if unpalatable ones. I chose to leave but with the complication of having fallen for someone else. Did I do the right thing? Depends on the day you ask me. From the relationship aspect purely, absolutely. From the children's side of it, I truthfully don't think it was the right thing. And that's something I have to live with.

@theleafandnotthetree do you wish you had of stayed and not got into something with someone else? Or you wish you’d have left earlier?

Perfectly valid choice. It doesn't sound like there is any abuse in your marriage, it is comfortable and there is no guarantee it would be any better for you post divorce.
Do what feels best for you.

This is what I would do.

Depending on the age of your dc, if they are older, I would plan to leave when they go to university or college, and build up a great support network, friends, hobbies and continue focusing in your career in the meantime. Saving money and having yearly holidays with girl friends and nights out when allowed. IF he treats you and your children with respect and care.

If your children are young and does not treat you with respect and is a bad role model to your children. I would make plans to divorce sooner rather than later, and if your dc are very young immediately.

The disruption of divorce can be tough on older children, so timing is everything. I would put my emotions to one side, and really consider the impact either way on your dc, the timing because you are not in danger - so you can take your time and work out a way without rushing the decision.

I would also say marriages go through peaks and troughs naturally, but if the love and respect have both gone it is very unlikely it can be salvaged unless he is undergoing intensive professional help so he is able to see the behaviour that most troubles you, and makes the changes you need him to, not impossible either, but that would require some serious honesty and direct and frank conversations, and I sense you just don't care enough anymore to do that.

I think you are 'happy enough' from your last update.
And sometimes that is 'good enough'. Life is not a fairytale, it is mundane and ordinary most of the time, and your dh has weaknesses and issues like the rest of us.

You are not keen on meeting someone else, so why take away the security and comfort you have now, and your kids being cared for by both parents. I would stay in your position, because by leaving you (and your children) will be worse off, it is as simple as that.

There must be so many people who stay for the money and nice life and just have a crap marriage. Good luck to them but they are idiots. And the kids aren't stupid, it's basically teaching the kids to put up with shit because you like nice things. I'd personally prefer a nice life without a man who irritated me.

My parents have separated in the last 18 months, and I wish they had done it sooner rather. My dad can be cold, distant, shouty, bad tempered git who occasionally can be lovely and charming, and who has the ability to ruin lovely family days. Why my mum put up with him for 36 years I do not understand. His cruelty affected us all, even though I wouldn’t say he was abusive, just not very nice sometimes.

A shitty husband/Dad can do more harm than you realise.

Me and my ex kinda of stuck together for the sake of our kids for last few years of our relationship. There was no hatred or fighting, but not the kind of happy, loving relationship I wanted my children to see either.
So we sat and talked about whether we both actually wanted to keep going and decided together to separate. This was almost a year ago when the children had just turned 8 and 9. The children did not take it well. But we’d got advice on the best way to talk to them about it and honestly they’re completely used to it now.
Financially I was screwed. I had no job, no income. So I got some help from my mum and my ex so I could get a deposit sorted on a rented house. I applied for universal credit and we came to an agreement on maintenance.

When I finally moved into my new house with the children, it honestly felt like the biggest weight had been lifted. I was so happy. And I still am.
I get on well with my ex, he has the kids every other weekend and whenever else they want to pop down and see him (he lives 2 mins away).

So although I could have stayed and muddled on, I think the resentment would’ve grown and probably left us in a worse place in regards to separating further down the line.

My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage for the sake of my sister and me.

Most damaging thing (for me) they ever did.

They finally separated when I was a teenager. I breathed a sigh of relief.

There was no abuse, just unhappiness.

I waited 28 years to leave so I could protect my two SS from their abusive Father. Wish I'd done it years ago, wasted best part of my life flogging a dead horse.

I'm on the fence. There's so many variables. I do think people are too quick to say leave/you only have one life/model good relationships for the DC etc. but leaving can often be a shit show and I'm not sure it's always worth it (when there's no abuse/infidelity I mean). You say there was/is abuse though - can you elaborate?

My parents divorced the year I went to university. Should she have left sooner? Yes. Would we have benefitted from that? Probably not if I'm honest. We would have been even more broke than we already were and as much as people seem to play that down on here, growing up poor is awful for children. Worse than having parents who are somewhat indifferent to each other IMO. I remember feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment, it does effect self-esteem - add the stigma and hassle of divorced parents on top of that (divorce was relatively rare where I grew up) and it would have been a double whammy. I would have HATED having divorced parents.

Yes in an ideal world every child would have happy parents who loved each other but life is often far from ideal. Despite my parents having a subpar marriage that I was aware of in my older teen years, I hadn't a clue as a younger child and I still would have said I had a happy childhood and have so many happy memories.

It's so tough. I am curious about the "abuse" though, as that negates pretty much everything I've said.

Oh and also in regards to the modeling thing. My sisters and I all went on to have loving, happy relationships with men nothing like our father. So that wasn't an issue either.

I was like you. One day it'll hit you like a train and you'll wish you'd left ten years ago. I want my 30s back. I ain't getting them back.

I can see it both ways, depends how bad the bad is I guess. Everyone argues to a degree.
@Icanseegreenshoots & @CatFaceCats have summed it up really well, with different outcomes.

The only thing I’d add is that I wouldn’t stay purely for the children, with every intention to leave as soon as the children reach 18/21 whatever.

I know. I think I have it in my head that I can leave in a few years.

I have 1 year old triplets. Nursery costs a fortune. I like my job and gave steady progression. If I divorced I would need to stop work and either sell my house or really struggle.

The abuse - wide ranging. He lacks empathy in a huge way and actually the more upset someone is, the more angry he gets. He has shoved me a few times and held me down on the bed. He used to hit walls. It’s when he’s angry. I’ve asked him to get help but he won’t. Well, he says he will but it doesn’t happen.

He lies about anything and everything and is generally a very closed off person. It makes like quite hard.

He did sexually assault me a few times - in my sleep. More than a few times but it stopped a few years ago. It was when things were bad and I would tell him the next day that he can’t do that and I don’t want to do that with him - I don’t consent to it when I’m asleep. But it would happen again.

It’s all a bit awful really and there’s some bad stuff that’s happened. But like I say, the past 6 months or so have been fine because I’ve given up. I’ve given up trying to change him and make him happy. I’m just getting on with my very busy life. It’s calmer and we’ve been getting on fine. Until the other day he blew up about something stupid. I can’t even remember what triggered it and I just couldn’t even care enough about it to speak to him afterwards. I’ve given up expecting change.

But honestly I just forget now. The next day I just crack on and we get on with it. It does happen in front of the kids from time to time but not very often and not recently.

He sounds awful. He probably is. But on a day to day basis, he’s fine. Most people in our lives think he is the most gentle and kind man. It’s quite far from the truth but that’s how he does act the majority of the time.

I see both sides. But I think once the babies are in school I’ll be able to manage on my own and still be able to work. If we split now we would honestly scrape by every month. If we even manage that. I too dont want to waste me 30's and i think i am at the point now where i know he wont change. its just when ie the right time.

probably never.

I also think I’d rather be here to supervise his parenting. Which sounds ridiculous. He would never hurt the kids but he just doesn’t have it in him sometimes to be the parent that I think kids deserve. He can dampen the mood somewhat at times.

Ah ok ignore everything I've said. You absolutely can't stay in this situation. You have to find a way out. This isn't a marriage that's a little bit "crap" this is the worst type of marriage OP. Start planning, don't let him know what you're doing and tell a trusted friend and family member - you're going to need help especially with one year old triplets.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but you can - and should - get out

I don't know anyone who regretted leaving a crap marriage. I know plenty of people who regret not leaving one

Lot's of people regret leaving their marriage, even when its shit, for many reasons.

But OP is not in an ok but crap marriage and needs to leave