Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never want children?

66 replies

cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 20:54

So I’m sure someone will call my goady for putting this on a site meant for mums but I joined Mumsnet as I was curious about whether I wanted children and honestly every single thread seems to point out the downsides to having children.

I’m someone who is really career focused and the stories that I read on here about what happens when women get pregnant during their careers are terrifying.

I have never been maternal or ‘broody’ and sometimes I feel that the only reason I would have children is to please a partner or because people tell me I’ll be lonely when all my friends get married and have children.

I don’t really know what I want to hear but maybe I want the experience of those who were career focused and feel having children did not hinder their career. Or maybe the actual positives of having children, because to me while it is obviously lovely to have someone to love and care for the grief they can put you in ( I know I put my parents through grief) can seem too much to me at times.
I’m worried that I don’t know if I don’t want children or worried what it will do to my career.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2021 20:57

Are you in the position of needing to decide now?

LagneyandCasey · 15/01/2021 20:58

How old are you, op?

Original poster
cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 21:01

Late 20’s so maybe I need to consider in the next few years.

OP posts:
Original poster
cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 21:01

@PurpleDaisies @LagneyandCasey sorry I forgot to tag you.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 15/01/2021 21:03

I didn't want children until I was in my early 30s and have 2 now and apart from being tired I'm happy. I have a couple of friends who don't want children and they're really happy too. I'm glad I made my choice, they're glad they did too.

You just have to do what feels right for you.

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 15/01/2021 21:06

Never say never......but I'm in the no kids group.

I was 16 when my first niece was born, i then added a couple of nephews, I was very hands on with them and still am really, so I feel I've done the baby bit if you know what I mean.

Also the thought of being in charge of a child and having to decide schools etc fills me with terror. My DP is the same, we are quite happy as we are and our Dog is our baby.

If your not sure maybe look in to your options for having a baby later in life. It's your decision to make, don't feel pushed into a decision either way, just make sure you have a partner who is on the same page.

GrallaceandWomit · 15/01/2021 21:07

I had a child because I was told it was possible I would struggle to conceive in the future, plus I’d had pressure from my DP’s that they want grandchildren and it’s the best thing ever. I had never felt broody before or had any interest in children. Here I am with 2 year old DS and he’s amazing and I love him with all my heart but it’s so tedious at times and I think if any of my friends had children before me I wouldn’t have bothered with it myself. It’s hard, I feel quite trapped, I don’t do any of my hobbies anymore because my DH is always at work and it would mean getting childcare. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic that has made it all seem worse but I definitely won’t be having any more children. My DS is loved and cared for but there’s a lot of drudgery. And I can’t express any of this in real life because everyone would think I’m a terrible person.

VeryQuaintIrene · 15/01/2021 21:07

Some careers are more child-friendly than others, so there's that. But I would think that the question of whether to have children or not should run a lot deeper than just whether it would fit into a career. I don't have them and never wanted them, focusing instead on a career that I love and have been successful in. I'm very happy in my mid-50s, not lonely at all, and know that by going with my gut, I made the right decision. FWIW.

Original poster
cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 21:07

@NerrSnerr thanks for responding. Could I ask what mad trou want children in your 30’s. Was it a sudden urge or did you find a partner who wanted children?

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 15/01/2021 21:08

Do you post when everything's great? People don't on MN. For the endlessly upbeat ou need Facebook or Instagram. I love my kids. But it's not for everyone. There are so many kids in the world. I think you need to be more of the question am I worth being a parent? What have I got to offer? A lot of people should have thought that. Me included. I'm not good enough.

B33Fr33 · 15/01/2021 21:08

(I was in my 30s 40s)

DenisetheMenace · 15/01/2021 21:09

Delighted with ours, particularly now we’re equal adults.
You must do what makes you happy though. No one needs children.
I’ve no doubt my husband and I would be very happy now too, had we decided against, just differently.

Lookslikerainted · 15/01/2021 21:09

The key word is want here. Of course you’re not unreasonable for the way you feel.

Original poster
cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 21:09

@WhatsTheEffingPoint thanks for your experience. I have been looking for my options but I’m pretty sure my fertility may be compromised because of some ovarian issues. I know I should really go to a fertility specialist about it but I feel like they would ignore me if I say I have no plans to have kids right now.

OP posts:
Namechange2020lalala · 15/01/2021 21:09

I didn't want any until my sister had kids and I got to spend time with little ones who I was related to. I was 36 when I had my daughter and yes it can be pretty lonely when all your friends are in relationships and have families. If you have a good network of relatives and friends who are child free then it's different.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/01/2021 21:09

I love the absolute bones off DS and wouldn't be without him. But having children means your life is no longer your own. And this pandemic has been incredibly difficult if you have young children - home schooling while trying to work, finding things to keep them entertained. I understand why people don't want them.

LagneyandCasey · 15/01/2021 21:10

Late 20's - I would say just concentrate on your life right now and don't worry too much about your future. This past year has taught us to live in the moment as things can happen out of your control however much you try to plan Smile

PearlescentIridescent · 15/01/2021 21:11

I adore my kids. Love doing looking after them and love who they are as individuals. Best thing I ever did.

My enjoyment of motherhood has no bearing on you though, so it's not a reason to have kids, and nor are the threads telling you it's awful.

They are a huge responsibility but people like me need that motivation sometimes.

I will say I had mine quite young and I don't regret that at all. I was/am in a junior role so I feel no conflict with parenting and trying to keep a high level job. I'm now 27 and back at work after my last baby was born last year and I can focus on really moving up the ladder.

It's obviously not black and white and there are pros and cons to kids at any age or stage of life. But as you specifically mentioned careers I thought I would throw it out there :)

Original poster
cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 21:11

@GrallaceandWomit I’m really story that you are in thus situation where you can’t take up your hobbies or go out much . I really think the pressure from family to have children is very old fashioned and I also face the same from my parents.

I’m happy you don’t regret having your son but I’m just worried I would if I did and obviously that’s not fair on the child.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 15/01/2021 21:12

I had my first child at 16, 2nd at 27, 3rd at 31. I am lucky as I have 3 great kids, 27, 16 and 13 now. My oldest is one of my best pals, we go on holidays together all the time (when not in Covid) and chat constantly on what’s app! I hope I have the same relationship with my 2nd son and my daughter. My 2nd child was my hardest, he cried a lot and vomited a lot. But since he was about 3 he hasn’t caused me a moments trouble since. I am lucky to have 2 nice teens, so far, they aren’t entitled, bratty or speak to me rudely. I think before you have kids you can’t imagine how much love you feel for them so it’s hard to imagine how you’d feel when you’re not last on the list of priories or listening to the problems people face.

I had my eldest young so my career came after him but on the contrary it didn’t hold me back but pushed me on. But yes I would have progressed up the ladder a bit more (like their dad has in same organisation) had I not had kids but to be honest that’s fine. They aren’t going to be kids for much longer and I’m genuinely been content to put my own career on hold whilst I raise them. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t done a good job and still got a few promotions.

Good luck with your decision. Few people regret having kids. But of course some do.

Original poster
cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 21:12

@LagneyandCasey thanks for the advice. I think I just see so many threads about biological clocks and stuff that it makes me think I need to think about it now.

OP posts:
Catplanter · 15/01/2021 21:13

I honestly could not recommend having children. I seriously couldn't. I've never loved anyone so much in my life but the anxiety and responsibility is on another level and it hasn't got any easier as he's got older (he's 5).

I can't really describe it, no one ever seems to understand what I mean, but I actually can't get my head round how hard it is. How do people have more than one?!

Original poster
cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 21:14

@Namechange2020lalala that’s my worry! I’m from the U.K. but my culture is one where everybody is expected to have children and I don’t think I would have many friends or family in the same position as me.

OP posts:
tellthem · 15/01/2021 21:14

I felt similar until mid 30s. made sure I spent my early 30s getting as high up the career ladder as possible (and as much as I wanted) sorted house, travelled etc etc so that I knew when I had children I was financially able to afford childcare which enabled me to go back to work when I wanted and not lose that part of myself.
made sure I had a completely supportive partner who does 50/50 of the work too which means I go to the gym, evenings with friends, weekends away etc can continue too.

Francescaisstressed · 15/01/2021 21:14

I'm my 30s and never wanted children. Every now and again get a fear that I may miss my chance, but then I reevaluate it and remind myself of all the reasons why I don't want them.
Noone can advise you, complete your choice but don't feel obliged by society or partners to have them, and also remember that people are having children later.

Swipe left for the next trending thread