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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to never want children?

66 replies

cinammonbuns · 15/01/2021 20:54

So I’m sure someone will call my goady for putting this on a site meant for mums but I joined Mumsnet as I was curious about whether I wanted children and honestly every single thread seems to point out the downsides to having children.

I’m someone who is really career focused and the stories that I read on here about what happens when women get pregnant during their careers are terrifying.

I have never been maternal or ‘broody’ and sometimes I feel that the only reason I would have children is to please a partner or because people tell me I’ll be lonely when all my friends get married and have children.

I don’t really know what I want to hear but maybe I want the experience of those who were career focused and feel having children did not hinder their career. Or maybe the actual positives of having children, because to me while it is obviously lovely to have someone to love and care for the grief they can put you in ( I know I put my parents through grief) can seem too much to me at times.
I’m worried that I don’t know if I don’t want children or worried what it will do to my career.

OP posts:

Catplanter · 15/01/2021 22:12

it’s about feeling that you’ll die content knowing you’ve achieved something wonderful

I think that's massively rose tinted and quite naive.

Cornetttttto · 15/01/2021 22:15

@Terracottasaur

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having children or not wanting children. And you don’t have to decide now. Maybe one day your feelings will change, or maybe they won’t - there is no moral aspect to it either way, and you’re absolutely entitled to do whatever is right for you.

"Right for you" - as opposed to the life that you are bringing into the world? The society they'll enter? The world as it stands?

TrevorTheZombieScarecrow · 15/01/2021 22:29

@Catplanter I guess we’ll never know until it happens but I’m confident my children’s smiles will be one of the last images in my head in my dying moments , and not the view of the deck from the tiller.

TheBeesKnee · 15/01/2021 22:30

I didn't want kids until one day my hormones kicked in... All the down sides seemed like "information" rather than things to put me off. If I told you the down sides of my job you'd be put off audit forever but the bad is part of life along with the good.

3 years on I still want a baby but unfortunately we're having fertility issues.

That being said, don't have kids because of FOMO or something.

Catplanter · 15/01/2021 22:32

I think I'll just be worrying about my son on my deathbed tbh.

tootsytoo · 15/01/2021 22:38

OP of it helps I felt like you I'm now 34 and planning kids. Was pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage.

Honestly, I don't think I'm going to be motherly at alll I'm not maternal and get fed up after more than five minutes with kids.

Probably wandering why I still want them?! Well, because I'm convinced when they're my own I'll love them - that has to be true!

Also, I think my life will eventually tire. It is
already starting to feel a little empty, and I think it would be rewarding to pass on all these life lessons and skills to another generation.

I also intend not to be conventional, mum guilt might kick in but I have the means to pay for support and that's what I'll be doing - if I didn't have that I'm not sure I'd do it I think financial stability is largely underestimated when having kids. Without a lot of money I can see it personally for me being miserable drudgery. I don't mean to sound goady I'm just being honest.

anewdaytoplay · 16/01/2021 03:21

I knew from quite young, 6 or 7 that I didn't want to have children , I've avoided getting involved with a partner who wanted children , and wouldn't consider one who had them , I quite like friends children and have worked with kids in the past , just didn't want them myself , I think generally you just know if parenthood is for you or not

Justlovedogs · 16/01/2021 03:56

OP - 48 years old, chose not to have kids and haven't regretted it yet. Like you, I was never particularly maternal. I love kids - when someone else's and I can give them back. When I turned 30, I had a bit of an uh-oh, clock ticking moment and thought that if DH and I were going to, we ought to sooner rather than later. We talked about it and agreed to wait 12 - 18 months before discussing again, but we never did as the feeling passed! But that's my story. You have to make your own decision, but my only advice would be to do it because you want to and not because you feel you ought to. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Fourcolourpens · 16/01/2021 04:02

I’ve never wanted children, never felt maternal in any way. People kept telling me I will one day feel broody, well, I’m 42 now and have never felt more sure of my decision not to have kids.

I look forward to my future, doing whatever I want, when I want. I feel no guilt or regret at all.

GodOfPhwoar · 16/01/2021 04:22

Tbh, I think the main reason people intrinsically want kids is because it’s a biological imperative. Of course, once you have them you love them, but there aren’t really many logical reasons IMO to have them. The world is hugely overpopulated and kids are expensive, time consuming, and restrictive.

GodOfPhwoar · 16/01/2021 04:24

it’s about feeling that you’ll die content knowing you’ve achieved something wonderful

How is it an ‘achievement’? Plenty of teenage chavs manage to do it by mistake!

sammylady37 · 16/01/2021 05:10

[quote TrevorTheZombieScarecrow]@sammylady37 think you’ve just misinterpreted it. It’s not about leaving something of yourself behind for people to ‘remember you by’, it’s about feeling that you’ll die content knowing you’ve achieved something wonderful.[/quote]
Achieved something wonderful? Wonderful? For who? You? Maybe. For the child? Very possibly not, you’ve no way of knowing what their life will be like. For society and the planet? Definitely not. Over-population is a huge threat.

And ‘achieved’? It’s procreation. To be fair, it’s hardly an achievement. It’s not something rare, it’s what millions of people the world over do.

ViciousJackdaw · 16/01/2021 05:33

@GodOfPhwoar

it’s about feeling that you’ll die content knowing you’ve achieved something wonderful

How is it an ‘achievement’? Plenty of teenage chavs manage to do it by mistake!

Well quite. You had unprotected sex, not obtained a PhD in Astrophysics.

GodOfPhwoar · 16/01/2021 05:52

I like your username, Vicious Jackdaw. We have a mean magpie at work. 😂

AntsMarching · 16/01/2021 10:39

I never wanted kids and neither did DH. Then when I was 29, my hormones kicked in and I wanted one badly. We had 2 dds. I love them more than life itself, I get amazed by them everyday. But it does take over your life in that my needs are secondary and I'm fine with that, which I never thought I would be. No one can tell you how you'll feel, I am a selfish person and never could imagine being okay with not getting to read books because I'm listening to my kid talk about Roblox for the hundredth time. I get pleasure from seeing them happy but wouldn't have believed that pre-kids. It's a risk deciding to have them because it's such an unknown. You are right to consider whether it's right for you and neither choice is wrong. You can have a fulfilled life either way. I would say only have kids if you feel the desire, not for anyone else's expectations.

Namechange2020lalala · 16/01/2021 13:15

I wish I had my DD sooner. I can't believe I had 36 years of my life without her in it, she truly is the most important person in my life.

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