AIBU to never want children?

[cinammonbuns]

So I’m sure someone will call my goady for putting this on a site meant for mums but I joined Mumsnet as I was curious about whether I wanted children and honestly every single thread seems to point out the downsides to having children.

I’m someone who is really career focused and the stories that I read on here about what happens when women get pregnant during their careers are terrifying.

I have never been maternal or ‘broody’ and sometimes I feel that the only reason I would have children is to please a partner or because people tell me I’ll be lonely when all my friends get married and have children.

I don’t really know what I want to hear but maybe I want the experience of those who were career focused and feel having children did not hinder their career. Or maybe the actual positives of having children, because to me while it is obviously lovely to have someone to love and care for the grief they can put you in ( I know I put my parents through grief) can seem too much to me at times.
I’m worried that I don’t know if I don’t want children or worried what it will do to my career.

I never liked or even thought about having children. Met my DH, he wanted them, I agreed. I was mid 30s when I had them due to fertility issues (Hughes syndrome). Never found being a mum tedious or boring altho it was hard work as mine were 18 months apart. They are now teenagers and I adore them beyond belief. They look after me. I look after them. It’s easier now they are teens altho I have to rein them in when they start wrestling. We have a laugh. It’s great

@VeryQuaintIrene the career I’m in is financial advice so probably not one of the best for working around children. Career is definitely not my only consideration in having kids, it’s just the limitations to career is something brought up a lot on MN and my career is important to me.

I wouldn't. The only mistake of my entire life. The exhaustion, the endless effing drudgery of constant bedtimes, naptimes, organising things to do, the thousands of pounds spent on childcare.. I feel like I had this overwhelming biological urge and guess we got a bit carried away by the idealised version of parenting as opposed to the 10pm, 1am, 3am wake ups and the constant focus on the child. With the planet as fcuked as it is, the fact my child will live to see the destruction of our world is my biggest regret.

Thank you for all the advice everyone. I do think I need to make the decision by myself, as obviously it’s a huge decision and one I wouldn’t want to regret. I think I relate a lot to the anxiety of caring for children and also the idea that I will lose a lot of the things I enjoy but obviously there is some things to be gained too. I’ve always leaned towards not having children but as some previous posters have said that may change in the future.

I think one of the biggest loads of shite I see bandied about on the Internet is "you never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't"

I suspect plenty of people do regret having children, they just don't talk about it because they'd be judged to hell and back again.

I love my son so much it is painful, I would die before I let anything happen to him, but I couldn't say that I didn't regret motherhood.

I have three children and a successful career outside of the home.

Never wanted them so never had them. But I do have an amazing career: rewarding, challenging, interesting and one that's made me wealthy enough not to have to go without anything that takes my fancy. I never regretted not having children and I love my life.

Depends. I'm not sure anyone wants kids at the age at which it's best to have them. They'll organise my funeral though. I love them very much, but I would probably have done other things with my life that I'd have enjoyed. I was very successful in my job, passionate about my hobbies, and I can't even imagine any of that any more.

I didn’t want children either.

I had 3 younger siblings and with two working parents was the babysitter throughout my childhood, so I was sick of looking after kids by the time I hit adulthood.

I had zero maternal feelings or broodiness around other babies or children.

Then at 38 and 40 became accidentally pregnant due to contraception issues.
I’d have continued to not want children if that fail hasn’t occurred.

They are the most mindblowing fulfilling, lifechanging, thing to ever happen in my life. Nothing will top their existence in my life, not even the long term plan to circumnavigate the globe by boat in retirement.

In the same way you’ll never know how it actually feels to be pregnant just by reading someone else’s experience of it or watching it, you’ll never know how it feels to have grown and birthed your own until you do it.

The risk is that you’ll always regret it. That’s not a risk I could live with, but some do. How honest they are about not regretting no children we’ll never know.
And how much having a successful career makes up for living your life on Earth without leaving children behind I don’t know either.

Some parents have children without fully thinking it through, as it's still the done thing. Stopping to think about it absolutely the right way OP. I definitely don't want children, but I've thought it through for a few years (I'm 31) and realised that the only reason I was wondering whether I should was because of other people's expectations. Luckily, my DP is on the same wavelength as me. Only you can answer your own question, but YANBU to think a life-changing situation through thoroughly. Good luck!

I was in a similar career line to you at 27, and was sure kids weren’t for me. At 30 I’m married and TTC. Just keep an open mind and see how it happens for you.

Hi OP

It totally depends on three things imo

How supportive your partner is. If they do an equal share then its achievable. For instance if you have to work longer hours but do nursery drop off then your partner can go in earlier if they need to but let you stay late and do pick up. Obviously depends on the nature of your partners job.

Nature of your job. Jobs where you have to work changing shifts or fly across the world at the drop of a hat are obviously difficult unless your partner is a SAHP

How much money you make. If you're a low or middle earner you are stuck with nursery and tied to pick up and drop off times and will always be juggling. If you are a higher earner your partner can always be the stay at home parent but if you are both high earners you can afford a nanny which helps a lot with the rushing around.

But to your question of course YANBU not to want children, it would be cruel and pointless to have kids if you didnt want them.

I'm late 30s and never for a second wanted children. Zero urge.

All through my 20s I was told that I'd change my mind, "just you wait til you get a bit older and settled, you'll have children". Never happened. DH is the same. We have no interest in having children, even more so seeing friends and family our age having them.

Only you can decide OP. I've never ever been broody and don't like babies or little kids really. What I have always admired though is older teens/adult children having great relationships with their parents and I've always wanted that. Also my mum lost her first child and seeing how that's affected her has always worried me. I've always been scared something like that happening to my own child. How will I live worried about them forever? Anyway I'm almost 30 and pregnant after much consideration, though I'm still unsure I'll manage it. Praying I like my own child! I am worried about my career and hobbies but it's a bit late now!

@DenisetheMenace

Delighted with ours, particularly now we’re equal adults. You must do what makes you happy though. No one needs children. I’ve no doubt my husband and I would be very happy now too, had we decided against, just differently.

Agree with this. Many people would be equally happy without kids as they are with or with kids as they are without and they’d just live a different life. For me having kids hasn’t really massively hindered my career. I was promoted while 8 months pregnant with my second and recognised on a global mastery program a couple of years back when the kids were 4 & 2. I earn about 30% more now than I did before my promotion & I get involved in lots of interesting stuff at work. I think something probably does have to give though as you can only have so many priorities in life. For me my OH, the kids, my career & my parents are my priority. Anything else gets slotted around those and gets reorganised if it doesn’t fit

And I think you're right to seriously think about having kids, the relentlessness of the sacrifices isn't to be under estimated

The risk is that you’ll always regret it. That’s not a risk I could live with, but some do. How honest they are about not regretting no children we’ll never know.
And how much having a successful career makes up for living your life on Earth without leaving children behind I don’t know either

And of course, one of the many risks of having children is also that you’ll regret it. It must be devastating for both the mother and the child when that is the case. I’ve known people who know their mother regretted having children and it’s a very lonely, isolating place to be. Not a barrel of laughs for the mother either.

And as for your last sentence- seriously?? There’s something quite narcissistic about ‘wanting to leave something behind’ and ‘wanting to be remembered’. Frankly, I couldn’t care less if I’m not remembered 10 years after I die. What difference will it make to me? I’ll be dead, I won’t know one way or the other. It doesn’t give me warm fuzzy feelings to think of someone doing a family tree and remembering me. I can cope with being forgotten.

OP, I’ve never wanted children. I’m now 41, and have never wavered. I’ve heard all the arguments, many many times. None of them stand up to my scrutiny. As it happens, I do have a career which is busy and rewarding, but it’s not that I chose career over children, I never had to make that choice as I simply had no desire to have children. I lead a wonderful life, and have absolutely no regrets about not having children. I cannot think of one positive thing they’d bring to my life that I don’t already have.

How does everybody else rationalise or feel about their children being 40 years old in a future most likely altered beyond recognition by climate change? It absolutely terrifies me. I mean, you just have to look in the papers or listen to ecologists to know that it isn't looking good.

I love having children but it's one of many things you can do with your life- and, like pretty well anything else, it is only worthwhile if it is worthwhile to you.

I don’t really think that leaving something behind in the form of a child is something that bothers me. I hope to make other impacts on the world in other ways. I definitely think that I do struggle to think about bringing a child into the world not knowing what the future would be like but I’m sure all prospective parents had to think about it throughout history. However thinks like climate change, water scarcity etc. do worry me.

OP, there are lots of lengthy and detailed threads on here about deciding whether or not to have children, remaining child free, regretting having children, enjoying having children etc — have a look at them.

I never planned to, was and am extremely career-focused, but finally had my DS just before I turned 40. I can honestly say that I’ve become more productive and ambitious if anything. And he’s wonderful.

I think motherhood is a sort of shared delusion where people smile and say lots of lovely things while not thinking too hard about the future. If that makes any sense? Like you're judged for speaking your truth and Lord help you if you reach out and say you're struggling.

YADNBU. The world is over populated as it is. Have children if you want but feel zero guilt if you choose not to. The only thing I'd worry about is suddenly wanting them when it's too late.

FWIW I know some very high-flying career women, not held back at all, who married house-husband types and have been very happy. They have stromg marriages and stable happy children - that can work too.

@sammylady37 think you’ve just misinterpreted it. It’s not about leaving something of yourself behind for people to ‘remember you by’, it’s about feeling that you’ll die content knowing you’ve achieved something wonderful.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having children or not wanting children. And you don’t have to decide now. Maybe one day your feelings will change, or maybe they won’t - there is no moral aspect to it either way, and you’re absolutely entitled to do whatever is right for you.