DM called baby DD a little bitch.

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So DM is a kind and slightly tortured woman who truly loves me and my 3 dc. I am an only child. She is a people pleaser, socialises, keeps up with the joneses and has always been incredibly judgmental of me (needing perfect grades/weight/friends).

So there is something I can't let go of and I know I should. I only see DM once a year or two as she lives in Australia so it doesn't really factor in to my daily life but AIBU?

10 years ago when DD1 was a baby, 18 months old, DM was visiting and DM was going above and beyond and pushed herself too much. Trying to help with the house, baby, cooking, cleaning. I think she was trying to help me because she can't usually help me due to us living in different countries.

Anyway one day DM got really upset with DD (DD was being typical 18 month old, challenging with some food and wanting me, not Nan who was a bit of a stranger), DM was crying and said to me "DD is such a little bitch". DM said it with quite a bit of vitriol behind it and it shocked me.

So this was 10 years ago, so much has happened since then, 2 more DC, many visits etc but I have always been careful to not leave dc with her for too long for fear of overwhelming her and having a repeat. DD also struggles with social interactions now and it pains me to think others may judge her harshly because she doesn't always have a ready smile or congenial attitude.

what a rambling thread! I guess AIBU to still feel resentful of this comment? I think I am and should let it go but it plays on my mind on occasion.

I would have discussed it when it happened

I would still feel resentful. It’s been a long time but it would stick with me too, and if you don’t see her often I can see how this would stand out.

It was ten years ago, let it go. You sound very anxious about your daughter's social interactions. If she is shy, then that's her character, and it can't possibly have another to do with a comment made when she was eighteen months old.

10 years ago you need to let it go! It's not a nice thing to hear but it sounds like she was under huge pressure at the time.

You really couldnt find it in yourself to cut her a bit of slack? Or say something at the time? It's not healthy to stew over something like this for 10 years

I think if you didn’t discuss it when it happened, you shouldn’t now as your mother will have forgotten about it. She was probably very stressed / upset / jet lagged and it slipped out. Not an ok thing to say, but there’s nothing you can do it about it.

Your DD won’t remember and girls / women don’t have to be congenial anymore like they did in your DM’s day!

I think maybe you’ve projected too much into that comment - both about your DD and your DM.

That was a horrible comment to make. I would never have forgotten it either.

You need to let it go though. But I get the feeling that you want to have it out with your DM? Because you think that's the only way you feel you will get closure.

Let it go. Said in the heat of the moment. Who hasn't snapped when DC are little? If she's otherwise loving I'd let it go.

As it was a long time ago and you don’t think it’s been repeated I’d be inclined to try not to dwell on it.

BUT it was an awful thing to say- I’d never say that about anyone- let alone an innocent baby or toddler! It’s a horrid remark, and an abusive way of speaking.

In your shoes I’d be glad your DM lives abroad, so you don’t have to see her often or risk a repeat of this.

I don’t think I could forgive a parent if they spoke to my DC like this.

I wouldn’t cut her out of your life for it, but I wouldn’t forget it or ever leave her with your DC unsupervised.

It was ages ago, I'd let it go. You say she truly loves you and your DC, so I'd put it in the past and leave it there.

It’s one of those things that I would know I should let go, but like you I wouldn’t be able to forget. When my DD was a baby I found out my sister had described her as a ‘quite a grumpy baby’ and I still haven’t been able to forget it! Even though she actually was quite a grumpy baby so I’m not able to offer advice! The word bitch would really upset me.

Yes it's horrible but actually it sounds like in practical terms you have dealt with it. You recognise that your DM can have her difficulties, she's not part of your day to day life and you keep a close eye on her interactions with your dc now.
A one off comment as a baby won't be the cause of dd being shy/socially awkward now.
Try to put it behind you because dwelling on it is only serving to upset you.

Thanks all, I do need to let it go. We do live so far apart and it is silly to carry it around with me. I don't think of it often, but when I do it brings sadness and anger for DD. I wish I had said something at the time but I think I was so shocked (and heavily pregnant with DS).

I think you are struggling with childhood issues about your mums thoughts and feelings. It is coming back to haunt you now and it is making you more protective of your daughter. At this age your mum was obsessed with your friends, weight and grades and you tried so hard etc.

Leave it in the past. If Shen has said this last week, I would say talk to her about it but 10 years is a long time and while it was a horrible thing to say, the time to bring it up again has gone. I’m not sure what it has to do with your daughters social interactions now?

Was she like that to you when you were little, OP?

My mum always called me a bitch when I was really young and just being a child - it sticks with you so I get it OP.

@SquidInALid

Let it go. Said in the heat of the moment. Who hasn't snapped when DC are little? If she's otherwise loving I'd let it go.

Well I've managed not to call my child a little bitch, actually

Did your mum speak to you like that when you were a child? If she did I would be inclined to think that that is the true her when the mask slips.

Weird thing for a grown up to do. I agree it is a good thing that she lives abroad and you only have to see her in small doses.

YANBU but you are letting it affect everything. You should have talked at the time. There is still time. You could say she may have noticed you have limited time with the grandchildren so she doesn't get overwhelmed as you don't want anymore of your children called bitches and then see what she says.

Well I'm guessing that all has been OK since, but I can't help thinking that she'd have been out of my house PDQ!

I remember my mum once calling me a little bitch. My mum was wonderful though and I have many lovely memories of her. She always went above and beyond for us. One slip of the tongue does not change that. I was pretty young and it stands out not because I'm traumatised by it but because it was so out of character. If it was an isolated incident- let it go.

Youre neither in the right nor the wrong here OP. Of course worse has been said but that is a nasty comment and it would be difficult to forget someone saying that about your baby daughter.

You don't need to "get over it" as I find this a rather dismissive and belittling phrase. You've held on to it for a long time and clearly there are other unanswered questions and lingering feelings from your childhood. The only 'solution' is to maybe find someone qualified to talk it through with.

My Dsis has done similar rather 'nasty' things to my neice (not her own dd, she has no children), like scold her very harshly her for pulling the tablecloth when she was probably only 9mo. Also lots of very loud and sterns NO!s when she was just doing things that little children do. I've never forgotten them either as I thought she was being so cruel to someone so innocent and unknowing. Hence why I would never let her babysit or even watch my DCs.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to bridge a relationship with her and protect your DCs from being on the receiving end again and that is commendable.

Are you worried now, in hindsight that your dd was especially difficult? Now that you see she struggles socially?

My mother was a very mean person (not like yours) and said a lot of harsh things about my children. One has since been diagnosed with a condition that explains certain (challenging) behaviours of which my mother was hugely critical. So when things were tricky socially with this child, my mind would leap to my mother's voice and assume that's how other people viewed him. Maybe they do, maybe they don't, but because I have changed and feel more confident, I no longer worry what others think.

What I'm trying to say is that you too can let go of your mother's criticisms. They are about her, not you or your lovely children.

It was a horrible thing to say and I would have been upset but I don't think it could have affected your daughter in any way.