DM called baby DD a little bitch.

[changedusernameforthisthreaaaa]

So DM is a kind and slightly tortured woman who truly loves me and my 3 dc. I am an only child. She is a people pleaser, socialises, keeps up with the joneses and has always been incredibly judgmental of me (needing perfect grades/weight/friends).

So there is something I can't let go of and I know I should. I only see DM once a year or two as she lives in Australia so it doesn't really factor in to my daily life but AIBU?

10 years ago when DD1 was a baby, 18 months old, DM was visiting and DM was going above and beyond and pushed herself too much. Trying to help with the house, baby, cooking, cleaning. I think she was trying to help me because she can't usually help me due to us living in different countries.

Anyway one day DM got really upset with DD (DD was being typical 18 month old, challenging with some food and wanting me, not Nan who was a bit of a stranger), DM was crying and said to me "DD is such a little bitch". DM said it with quite a bit of vitriol behind it and it shocked me.

So this was 10 years ago, so much has happened since then, 2 more DC, many visits etc but I have always been careful to not leave dc with her for too long for fear of overwhelming her and having a repeat. DD also struggles with social interactions now and it pains me to think others may judge her harshly because she doesn't always have a ready smile or congenial attitude.

what a rambling thread! I guess AIBU to still feel resentful of this comment? I think I am and should let it go but it plays on my mind on occasion.

If this is a one off comment from a frazzled grandparent to a child not old enough to understand anyway you need to get over it. Have you honestly never been trying to get your kid to sleep and thought albeit not said the same thing?

You say she is kind and was trying really hard to help you. Yes she shouldn't have said that, but I would judge her on her actions.

I think would rather have parents who helped with the occasional mistake, than ones who didn't slip up or do or say anything wrong because they never helped. But I have the second kind, maybe the grass is always greener.

I wonder if this is what you are really angry with her about and what else is wrapped up with this.

It seems like you have a handle on your mum's strengths and weaknesses. She doesn't sound like someone whose opinion you would place weight on so that's good.

I'd hazard a guess that it's worrying you more now because you're afraid others are thinking that about your child, too, because she's not a people pleaser, as your mum is and doubtless trained you to be.

The issue isn't your mum, it's about accepting that your daughter is strong and beautiful and will find her way - and her people will think so too, and she will find them.

Re your mum's comment, if you think there is anything in her that can handle and respond to such a conversation, I would indeed say gently, 'You know, as much as I appreciate all you were doing, I'm still haunted by that comment you made. It was such as harsh thing to say about my precious daughter'. And if she has any wit, she will say 'I can't believe I said it' or similar, and at least you will have that.

@Summerstorms

I would have discussed it when it happened

Yes, me too and told her never to talk to her granddaughter like that again.

However your mother said it in the heat of the moment, she knew your daughter was only a baby and didn't really mean it.

I think you have to let this one go.

It stands out because your DM is generally a nice person so it was a bit of a shock. I think you should forgive and forget.

You are the only person who gets to decide what baggage you carry around with you @changedusernameforthisthreaaaa

If it's still affecting you now, that means you can't let it go. Talk to her.

DM has a good heart but was damaged as a child, she has never spoken about it but I think there was trauma (sent to a convent boarding school at 9 and I think maybe some abuse or at least a lack of love).

She does love me and dc, but confuses image with reality at times and I think I do have some resentment towards her for when I was little but as an adult I know she was doing her best. She was never nasty or abusive to me and I know she loved me.

These dynamics are tough sometime aren't they! I hope my dd's and I have better relationships!

To those who asked about DD, she only struggles sometimes, and just like one of my dear friends has a naturally grumpy face (irony is not lost on me given this thread that it could be called a resting bitch face)

toptop - that people pleaser comment just hit home!! am going to do some thinking on that x

It sounds like your mum has given you issues from your childhood, and it's not surprising.
I think maybe have some counselling, if it seems hard to "just get over it".
She was judging your dd behaviour that day like she did to you. That couldn't have been easy.

I think you need to speak to her about it, in a conciliatory and kind way when you next meet, after 3-4 days

Really, it's in the past but it keeps coming back to you and it needs to be laid to rest, if it can.

I suspect that if you simply speak your piece here, however she reacts it will help you lay it to rest.

She might accept she was awful, and apologise (probably realistically the least likely option)

she might get defensive, in which case drop it. You've spoken; the point is made.

she might laugh it off or even deny it. You know it happened, and again the point is made.

You probably won't get exactly the response you're looking for, but a tactful firm expression of how you feel tends to help a great deal in sorting something out.

Have you posted about this before OP? It sounds familiar.

I’m sorry this is still upsetting you. I’d definitely talk to her.

10 years later?? Make like Elsa and let it go.

You say DM is kind, you say she's trying hard, you say she was damaged as a child. She made a throwaway comment at a hectic time. I'm sure you'd hope that if your dd grew up to say similar things as a one off, you'd hope people would be forgiving. Treat your dm the same way.

It was a long time ago! Let it go! Your DM was probably tired, desperately wanted your child at the time to accept her.

Crikey it was ten years ago, let it go and move on.

It wasn’t a nice thing to say but I really don’t think it sounds like your daughter is at any risk. I think you need to let it go given you didn’t say anything at the time.

It’s hard to say. Your mother lives so far away. Not to excuse what your mum said to your DD as a baby it’s disgusting and the fact that she said it TO YOU is worse. Not even in temper and you overheard your mum say that.

I think it speaks volumes that she actually said that to you? I would not leave my child unattended with your mum sorry OP.

it's still bothering changedusername. It's worth addressing. Not harshly, but if it's still bothering her after all this time, it needs doing something about in a gentle way.

Not pleasant language to apply to a child.

You’re still thinking about it 10 years on because you didn’t confront DM at the time. Do you feel guilty about that? There are things that my MIL did and said regarding my DC and DH over the years, and I let a lot of it go unchallenged due to being shit at confrontation and wanting to ‘just get along’ ... result is that many years later I still think about certain incidents and get upset and/or angry. I am angry with MIL, but I am more angry with myself for not sticking up for my family. I am learning- trying - to let it go, but it’s not easy xx

YANBU
Some things you just can't let go.

@FellowFlipFlop

10 years ago you need to let it go! It's not a nice thing to hear but it sounds like she was under huge pressure at the time.

You really couldnt find it in yourself to cut her a bit of slack? Or say something at the time? It's not healthy to stew over something like this for 10 years

^^this. You need to try and bury this is you can. I’m sure this was no more than heat-of-the-moment. Your DM may even remember and feel terrible and want to forget.

I think bitch is not such an offensive term to older generations, or at least, it didn't used to be.
My DM used to call me a slut for going out in scruffy clothes - she saw it as meaning untidy.

I've never called my daughter a little bitch, nor have I ever told anyone else that she is one let's not excuse it

It was a horrible comment to make, but your DM was probably stressed at the time, and sometimes these things slip out.

Your DD will not know anything about this, and you need to let it go. Seriously, it was 10 years ago, and in the great scheme of things not important. I can still recall some awful comments my DM made to me decades ago, but I certainly don't dwell on them, and I'm old enough to realise she didn't really mean it. Life is too short to let things like this upset you and too much time has elapsed to bring it up now.

@LocalHobo

I think bitch is not such an offensive term to older generations, or at least, it didn't used to be. My DM used to call me a slut for going out in scruffy clothes - she saw it as meaning untidy.

I disagree 'bitch' was always offensive. Slut had another, less offensive, meaning but 'bitch' was never OK.