Shielding MIL

[istheresomethingwrongwithme]

Background: MIL is shielding, she had breast cancer in 2014 and has arthritis. We live in Cornwall, PIL are on the edge of a small town and we are very rural.

DH works with FIL. FIL is working from home mainly but they are surveyors so he goes to visit properties with DH and they share a car. FIL only enters vacant properties. It's their own business. DH is in the office with other employees when not on appointments. I'm a SAHM.

We had 2 DS aged 3 and 18 months. DS1 is in the village pre-school usually, but it's been closed since the start of term. DH didn't want me to meet up with one other person for a walk in case we picked something up. I disagreed but obliged just to save stress. We aren't eligible for a support bubble or a childcare bubble, so seeing someone on a walk would be the only time I see anyone apart from DH and the boys.

DS1's pre-school opens again on Monday. I would like him to go for three days a week. DH and PIL have said no because FIL will not work with DH if DS1 is at pre-school and DH says he's too busy to work alone and needs FIL's help.

MIL has met a friend for a walk since this lockdown started. I have put my foot down about meeting a friend for a walk, so I am now 'allowed' to do that now. I literally go for a walk and do the weekly supermarket shop, I don't go anywhere else or see anyone. I feel a bit peeved that the boys and I are essentially being told to shield to protect MIL, who we will have no direct contact with. There is only allowed to be a maximum of 15 in DS1s per-school group and as there are only 16 children in pre-school anyway, there is only ever about 10 children in. It's a small primary school in a rural village.

In my sisters much larger town primary, there are teachers working in school who live with shielding partners. It seems a bit far fetched for the three of us to have to shield just in case DS catches COVID and manages to pass it on to FIL who then passes it on to MIL.

I have suggested they don't travel together or DH just goes to appointments on his own. That's fallen on deaf ears with an 'it's inconvenient' response.

AIBU in thinking DS should be allowed to go to the pre-school that he loves three days a week?

I think he should go to childcare and your husband and his Dad should stop sharing a car etc.

I may be in a minority though.

Nope, I agree @Disfordarkchocolate

I agree also. Especially as the caring for Ds if he isn't in child care falls to you. The whole week will be so much easier for you if he has some time out.

It is the most likely route for transmission into your family though and the reality is, your DS would shake it off very quickly and your MIL could become severely ill.
With FIL & DH working so closely you have other considerations than just your own preferences.

I also think that the solution is to stop car sharing. It's an unnecessary risk without your DS going to Nursery.

Its ott, you are the only person being asked to make a sacrifice here. I know its not easy going out to work in this but as a sahm your world can become quite small and it gets mentally draining. Yanbu to want to keep your sons routine and have a break yourself.

@Disfordarkchocolate is correct in my opinion. Why should your children miss out on so much? It also seems like everything else in the family, apart from you and then do what they want?! Do you in-laws normally control stuff so much?

Sorry middle sentence stuff up. Basically it seems you and your children are constrained but no one else is?!

Yanbu

Way ott.

So your DH goes to the office with other employees, who will obviously mix with others, and that’s ok?

You’re not allowed to go for a walk with someone else, but your MIL is?

Your DH and PIL are all contradicting themselves!

And yes, your son should be able to go to preschool.

Why can't FIL drive his own car to appointments to minimise the disruption to your family?

Is your MIL actually on the shielding list ?
Is she's recovered from cancer 5+ years unless there is something else underlying or ++age I think they are being a little OTT.
DH and FIL should no longer be car sharing and no reason not to keep masks and distance if he's only going to vacant properties.
Send little one to nursery and go for your walk, everyone needs a little balance and RnR and you don't seem to be getting much of either x

What clinical reason does your MIL have for shielding?

Having had breast cancer 6 years ago is not a reason. Being on some types of immunosuppressant for inflammatory arthritis is a reason.

Otherwise the whole thing is just drama.

Your child has needs too. Months of not seeing anyone outside his own household is detrimental I think, that's why I'm sending my three year old. Your husband and father in law need to stop car sharing. Either Mil and FIL social distance from each other in their home and sleep in separate rooms, or FIL takes greater steps to social distance around others. You can't expect a toddler to shield when he could just not be in contact with her. It's not in his best interests. Or yours.

@AnnaMagnani yes, I believe MIL is on immunosuppressants for the arthritis which is why she's on the shielding list. She's definitely been told to shield, she got the letter yesterday.

I think part of the problem was that DH was unsure about sending DS to ore school in case DS tested positive and we all had to isolate, thus loosing two weeks work. We talked about it and I said I really felt the benefit outweighed the risk and he agreed he should go. Since then FIL has said he won't work with DH so it has sort of given him something to bolster his opinion.

Why was your MIL able to meet up with a friend for a walk but you weren’t?! Sorry, but that’s crazy.

Your DH and your FIL need to travel separately.

I do understand his point about not being able to work, I just feel it's blowing it out of proportion a bit considering all of the aspects of our lifestyle that make us so low risk.

Has your MIL actually had a shielding letter?

Breast cancer that long ago wouldn’t be covered and arthritis would only cover certain drugs.

DH has backtracked on the meeting up with one other person thing and to be fair, I don't think he knew MIL was meeting a friend at that point. It was me she told that to and I told him, and he seemed surprised. So we can kind of forget about that, I was mainly saying it to make the point that if she is that terrified of catching COVID then she wouldn't be meeting anyone, even people she believes to be sensible about the rules.

Sorry, I didn't explain that well.

If I had ever agreed to essentially shield myself and my children for MIL’s sake, which I’d have been extremely reluctant to do, that would have been out the window the second I heard she had gone for a walk with someone herself. Your husband sounds like he’s found a convenient excuse to be a controlling dickhead.

@TitsOot4Xmas yes she received the letter yesterday.

@istheresomethingwrongwithme

I think part of the problem was that DH was unsure about sending DS to ore school in case DS tested positive and we all had to isolate, thus loosing two weeks work. We talked about it and I said I really felt the benefit outweighed the risk and he agreed he should go. Since then FIL has said he won't work with DH so it has sort of given him something to bolster his opinion.

Isolation is ten days not two weeks and he's really, really unlikely to get a positive test especially in rural Cornwall. Why doesn't DH go and stay with the PILs if he's that worried? Genuinely.

@Disfordarkchocolate

I think he should go to childcare and your husband and his Dad should stop sharing a car etc.

I may be in a minority though.

I absolutely agree!

@Minky37

It is the most likely route for transmission into your family though and the reality is, your DS would shake it off very quickly and your MIL could become severely ill. With FIL & DH working so closely you have other considerations than just your own preferences.

They don’t need to work closely though so they. They can travel on separate cars, wear masks inside the property and stay 2-3 metres apart.